120 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
120 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü
|
||
ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý
|
||
Ý Û Ý Ý Ý
|
||
BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý
|
||
File ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ Written August 12th, 1992
|
||
#022 Ý Ýig Ýong ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý Ýairy
|
||
Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý
|
||
ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ
|
||
|
||
Presents
|
||
Ú ÄÄ ¿
|
||
"Creative Paranoia"
|
||
³ by ³
|
||
Constantine
|
||
À ÄÄ Ù
|
||
|
||
[or]
|
||
|
||
[Constantine Shits Out Another File]
|
||
|
||
Ever seen a psychotic walking down the street of your neighborhood,
|
||
muttering to himself about the saucer people controlling the New York Stock
|
||
Exchange? Sure you have. And like thousands of others, you've probably
|
||
asked yourself, "Without the use of heavy (and expensive) pharmacuticals,
|
||
how can <I> achieve that state of cosmic awareness?" Now you can.
|
||
Creative paranoia is YOUR path to a brand new worldview. A world-
|
||
view unhampered by such trifles as rationality, logic or common sense. No,
|
||
it's NOT the same thing as Christian Fundementalism. It's much more fun.
|
||
First, test your PP (Paranoia Potential) with this quick quiz:
|
||
|
||
#1: Who REALLY controls the country?
|
||
A. George Bush
|
||
B. Jesus
|
||
C. the CIA
|
||
D. the NFL
|
||
|
||
#2: What happened in Ohio in 1978?
|
||
A. Nothing much
|
||
B. Even less
|
||
C. Ohio-type stuff
|
||
D. Aliens from the Sirius system landed and replaced every single
|
||
citizen with tall leafy vegetables. Of course, nobody noticed.
|
||
|
||
#3: What do you have in your ear?
|
||
A. Eardrum
|
||
B. Earwax
|
||
C. Ear canal
|
||
D. A miniature microphone, planted by CIA agents, that bounces
|
||
your innermost thoughts up to a Canadian satellite.
|
||
|
||
#4: What prominant government figure is actually an Illuminati agent?
|
||
A. Illuminiwhat?
|
||
B. Illuminiwho?
|
||
C. I dunno
|
||
D. All of them
|
||
|
||
#5: Jerry Lewis is actually...
|
||
A. Satan
|
||
B. Satan
|
||
C. Satan
|
||
D. Satan
|
||
|
||
SCORING: Give yourself one point for each "D" answer. If you scored above
|
||
one point, you definitely have Paranoia Potential. Keep reading.
|
||
|
||
Now that you have discovered your true potential in this fast-growing
|
||
field, all you need to do is master the three elements of creative paranoia--
|
||
the Look, the Walk and the Talk.
|
||
The Look takes a bit of practice, but is remarkably easy to develop.
|
||
Keeping your head down, jerk your eyes from side to side. Even in
|
||
conversation, never look at the same spot for more than two seconds. Keep
|
||
your eyes REAL WIDE and try not to blink unless you absolutely have to.
|
||
When you do make eye contact with someone, don't stop staring at them until
|
||
they look away.
|
||
The Walk goes with the Look-- head down, shoulders hunched, shuffle
|
||
aimlessly. Keep that head moving. Develop a very large twitch if possible,
|
||
affecting an entire arm or leg. Shudder involuntarily. Do this in front
|
||
of a mirror for a few hours, and you'll be up to Paranoia Par in no time!
|
||
Of course, make sure it's your OWN mirror. Doing this in, say, a shopping
|
||
mall, will only lead to embarrassment as all the real paranoiacs laugh at
|
||
you and make derisive "wanna-be" comments behind your back.
|
||
Finally, the most important part, the Talk. This is the running
|
||
patter that seperates the men from the schitzophrenics. Practice repeating
|
||
this over and over again:
|
||
"Well, you know about the saucer men taking over the Transamerica
|
||
building but I know that that's only because the Rockefellers have 108%
|
||
controlling interest in the Campbell Soup Company-- they bought it up because
|
||
of the Andy Warhol subliminal messages on the labels and did you know he's
|
||
not really dead? And I've got this damn microphone in my ear, they're
|
||
probably after me now, the men in black I mean, because of my knowing about
|
||
Elvis shooting JFK and what-all with the nuclear bomb that was on the
|
||
Titanic, damn Girl Scouts..."
|
||
The pros can do this for hours at a time without repeating
|
||
themselves. It will take time, but after dilligent practice, you too
|
||
will be able to act the part. Now for the final test-- get into your
|
||
grungiest old clothes (for 90210 fans reading this, this may mean getting
|
||
your Gucci shit just the slightest bit dirty), and hit the streets.
|
||
If you see mothers holding their children close, large men crossing
|
||
the street to avoid you, and Scientologists rushing up to ask for advice,
|
||
then congradulations! You're paranoid! You are now well on your way to
|
||
a long, rewarding career as a disturbed vagrant. That's okay, you don't
|
||
have to thank me, I know you're one of THEM anyway...
|
||
|
||
{--End Of File.yes, the end.. no more. S-T-Nz v0.95á says "5719 Bytes Total"-}
|
||
|
||
This file goes out to those of you who want a dedication from a BLaH file.
|
||
Here's lookin at all two of you!
|
||
|
||
BLaH <sigh>ts are..
|
||
|
||
Nun-Beaters Anonymous ; <708>251-5094 ; 110/16.8k
|
||
Carbon Nation ; <708>965-8965 ; 9600/16.8k
|
||
The Insane Asylum ; <305>927-3028 ; 2400/16.8k
|
||
The Realm Of Death ; <419>475-3089 ; 2400/16.8k
|
||
|
||
Yes, call the BLaH VMB at 1-800-ANY-TIME <hy kim!>
|
||
|
||
{---Timberline, the street I used to live on, and the question I missed on--}
|
||
{---the quiz in 7th grade..-------------------------------------------------}
|
||
|