textfiles/magazines/BLAH/blah-022.txt

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    File        <20><><EFBFBD>    <20>        <20><>   <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>        Written August 12th, 1992
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                         Presents
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                    "Creative Paranoia"
                   <20>        by         <20>
                        Constantine
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                           [or]

             [Constantine Shits Out Another File]

        Ever seen a psychotic walking down the street of your neighborhood,
muttering to himself about the saucer people controlling the New York Stock 
Exchange?  Sure you have.  And like thousands of others, you've probably
asked yourself, "Without the use of heavy (and expensive) pharmacuticals,
how can <I> achieve that state of cosmic awareness?"  Now you can.
        Creative paranoia is YOUR path to a brand new worldview.  A world-
view unhampered by such trifles as rationality, logic or common sense.  No,
it's NOT the same thing as Christian Fundementalism.  It's much more fun.
First, test your PP (Paranoia Potential) with this quick quiz:

#1:  Who REALLY controls the country?
        A.  George Bush
        B.  Jesus
        C.  the CIA
        D.  the NFL

#2:  What happened in Ohio in 1978?
        A.  Nothing much
        B.  Even less
        C.  Ohio-type stuff
        D.  Aliens from the Sirius system landed and replaced every single
          citizen with tall leafy vegetables.  Of course, nobody noticed.

#3:  What do you have in your ear?
        A.  Eardrum
        B.  Earwax
        C.  Ear canal
        D.  A miniature microphone, planted by CIA agents, that bounces
          your innermost thoughts up to a Canadian satellite.

#4:  What prominant government figure is actually an Illuminati agent?
        A.  Illuminiwhat?
        B.  Illuminiwho?
        C.  I dunno
        D.  All of them

#5:  Jerry Lewis is actually...
        A.  Satan
        B.  Satan
        C.  Satan
        D.  Satan

  SCORING:  Give yourself one point for each "D" answer.  If you scored above
one point, you definitely have Paranoia Potential.  Keep reading.

        Now that you have discovered your true potential in this fast-growing
field, all you need to do is master the three elements of creative paranoia--
the Look, the Walk and the Talk.
        The Look takes a bit of practice, but is remarkably easy to develop.
Keeping your head down, jerk your eyes from side to side.  Even in 
conversation, never look at the same spot for more than two seconds.  Keep
your eyes REAL WIDE and try not to blink unless you absolutely have to.
When you do make eye contact with someone, don't stop staring at them until
they look away.
        The Walk goes with the Look-- head down, shoulders hunched, shuffle
aimlessly.  Keep that head moving.  Develop a very large twitch if possible,
affecting an entire arm or leg.  Shudder involuntarily.  Do this in front
of a mirror for a few hours, and you'll be up to Paranoia Par in no time!
Of course, make sure it's your OWN mirror.  Doing this in, say, a shopping
mall, will only lead to embarrassment as all the real paranoiacs laugh at
you and make derisive "wanna-be" comments behind your back.
        Finally, the most important part, the Talk.  This is the running
patter that seperates the men from the schitzophrenics.  Practice repeating
this over and over again:
        "Well, you know about the saucer men taking over the Transamerica
building but I know that that's only because the Rockefellers have 108%
controlling interest in the Campbell Soup Company-- they bought it up because
of the Andy Warhol subliminal messages on the labels and did you know he's
not really dead?  And I've got this damn microphone in my ear, they're 
probably after me now, the men in black I mean, because of my knowing about
Elvis shooting JFK and what-all with the nuclear bomb that was on the 
Titanic, damn Girl Scouts..."
        The pros can do this for hours at a time without repeating 
themselves.  It will take time, but after dilligent practice, you too  
will be able to act the part.  Now for the final test-- get into your
grungiest old clothes (for 90210 fans reading this, this may mean getting
your Gucci shit just the slightest bit dirty), and hit the streets.
        If you see mothers holding their children close, large men crossing
the street to avoid you, and Scientologists rushing up to ask for advice,
then congradulations!  You're paranoid!  You are now well on your way to
a long, rewarding career as a disturbed vagrant.  That's okay, you don't
have to thank me, I know you're one of THEM anyway...

{--End Of File.yes, the end.. no more. S-T-Nz v0.95<EFBFBD> says "5719 Bytes Total"-}

This file goes out to those of you who want a dedication from a BLaH file.
Here's lookin at all two of you!

                         BLaH <sigh>ts are..

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Yes, call the BLaH VMB at 1-800-ANY-TIME <hy kim!>

{---Timberline, the street I used to live on, and the question I missed on--}
{---the quiz in 7th grade..-------------------------------------------------}