156 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
156 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü
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ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý
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Ý Û Ý Ý Ý
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BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý
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File ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ Written August 3rd, 1992
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#009 Ý Ýig Ýong ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý Ýairy
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Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý
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ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ
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Presents
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Ú ÄÄ ¿
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"101 Ways To Kill or Maim a Senior Citizen"
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³ by ³
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Chessman
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À ÄÄ Ù
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{----------------------------------------------------------------------}
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1. Beat them silly with their walking stick
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2. Take away their Clapper
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3. Put a rabid rat in their pink fluffy slippers
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4. Put spikes on the seat of their wheelchair
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5. Put cyanide in their tea bags
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6. Strap two huge speakers to their head and play Megadeath until their
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head explodes
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7. Tell them that huge electrical thing is their bathroom
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8. Push them into the oven when they're making dinner
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9. Float a poisonous frog in their oatmeal
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10. Tell them that the little red sign says "WALK"
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11. Cut their hair <Remember Sampson?>
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12. Feed them clay, while assuring them that it IS squash
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13. Make them sit on the wing of the plane
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14. Clip some jumpers to your engine and tell them to hook the cables
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to their ears
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15. Tell them Orville Reddenbacher is younger and better looking
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16. "Don't worry Grandma, I'll hold the ladder...."
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17. Tell them you need to give them an autopsy for a school report
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18. Put their head in the fan and tell them they're at the beauty parlor
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19. Wheel them right into the deep end of the pool
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20. Sell them to science
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21. Take Wheel of Fortune off the air
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22. Put them in the moving van with the rest of the "antiques"
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23. Ask them if they want to go out in the snow, and make them into a
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snowman
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24. Put out a contract on them
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25. Make them go to Mexico City and drink the water
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26. Buy a pit bull and make them scratch its tummy
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27. "A little farther grandma.. there's a sand bar out there somewhere..."
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28. Replace their fiber with heroine
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29. Convince them it was their fault the "where's the beef" lady died
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30. Next time their thirsty put the hose in their mouth and turn it on
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full blast
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31. Put them in a box and give them to the UPS guy as a gift
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32. Tell them the roof is a slide
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33. Convince them it IS safe to bungee jump with dental floss
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34. Incite a riot at the local bingo parlor
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35. Tell them to answer the iron
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36. Stab them with a pitchfork while they work in the garden
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37. Introduce them to Jeffery Dahmer
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38. "You stand here and tell me if the headlights work..."
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39. Strangle them with their Depends
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40. Put them on a pair of Rollerblades and push them down the highway
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41. Stick a battery onto a stick and tell them it's a lollipop
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42. Push them into some quicksand
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43. Feed then Indian food
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44. Have the Keebler Elves repeatedly assualt them
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45. Open a window and tell them their room is through there
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46. Give them to a group of bikers in exchange for a k-rad Harley Davidson
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sticker
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47. "My bazooka's clogged. Will you look in and see what's wrong..."
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48. Give them a stick of dynamite and say it's a candle
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49. Give them a banana and when they open their mouth shove it in and choke
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them
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50. Put them on the swing and push it REAL high
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51. Ask them if they want to play jacks and when they grab the ball, pick
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up the jacks and throw them in their eyes
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52. Set up Monopoly and insist that you be the thimble
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53. Wallpaper them to the wall and leave them there until they stop kicking
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54. "I bet you can't stick your hand into the paper shredder..."
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55. Stick them with pins
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56. Have them stand under an apple tree and shake it real hard so they get
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pelted by falling apples
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57. Convince them your little brother will only love them if they go down
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the chimney on their way inside
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58. Knock them into the head of the mafia as he leaves the courthouse
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59. Put them in a nursing home
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60. Put them on the barbeque after telling them it will kill their warts
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61. Place each of their fingers into a pencil sharpener
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62. Send them to training camp with the Bears
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63. Dress them up like Rodney King and have them speed along in front of the
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police station
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64. Tell them a bull really is a gentle creature
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65. Test their elasticity by putting them on a stretching rack
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66. Make them drink acrylic paint while telling them it's from the fountain
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of youth
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67. Take them to the gas station and hold their nose saying, "I don't want
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you to take in any fumes," and when they open their mouth to breathe
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stick the gas thing in and push it.
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68. Roll them up and smoke them
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69. Dress up like Peter Pan and tell them they can fly but only from really
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high places
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70. Leave them out in the sun and watch them dehydrate
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71. Take them on safari and push them into a den of lions
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72. Squirt them with acid
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73. Have them breathe pure radon
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74. Send them to Chernobyl for a summer get away
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75. Tell them the best stores are on Three Mile Island
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76. Have them sit on a cactus
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77. Put a set of horns on them and push them into a field of Buckmasters
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78. Put their tongue in a light socket
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79. Take away their glasses and put them in a room covered with sharp
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objects
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80. Lay a mattress across railroad tracks and put them there
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81. Claim they're possessed by demons and remove they're stomach and feet
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82. Cut off their legs and make a hat
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83. Make them into a cool, frosty slurpy
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84. Tie them to a camel and have it walk off
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85. Waltz with them until they turn into butter
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86. Send them in a boat to get an eye-witness account of a tropical storm
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87. Put a straw in their nostrils and suck the life right out of them
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88. Play baseball with their head
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89. Practice for your Biology final on them
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90. Give them thermite instead of Metamucil
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91. Put a bomb in their hair-nets
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92. Sweep up a slaughter house with them
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93. Make them move the piano into the garage... and then move it back
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94. Kick them with wooden shoes
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95. Push them off the high dive into an empty pool
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96. Flick cigarette butts at them until they go insane
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97. Put a live lobster in their underwear
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98. Pack them into a nuclear bomb and drop them somewhere in the USSR
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99. Beat them to a bloody pulp with a hammer
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100. Light their hair on fire
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101. Put tapeworms in their dentures
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Wow! It's a real testament to the human spirit that I finshed that.
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After 47 I just ran out of ideas, which probably shows by the last few....
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Nevertheless I hope you enjoyed this Za/\/y BLaH release as much as I
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enjoyed making it.
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{---End of File... Safe-T-Nutz 0.90á says "7600 Bytes Total"--------------}
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BLaH, as of now, is: REMEBER
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Chessman -------
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Guido Sanchez If it says BLaH, it probably isn't...
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"Whenever I hear the name Guido Sanchez,
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I have to laugh, because who is that guy?"
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-Chessman
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BLaH <sigh>ts
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Nun-Beaters Anonymous | <708>251-5094 | 110/16.8k
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Hell Bound | <708>965-8965 | 2400/14.4k
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{--The Wall..anything on the WEST is pure, the EAST is evil---------------}
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So which side are we on?
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