42 lines
2.4 KiB
Plaintext
42 lines
2.4 KiB
Plaintext
OUR LAWYER WRITES:
|
||
|
||
Dear Our Lawyer:
|
||
|
||
A few days ago, I opened a bottle of milk purchased at a local supermarket
|
||
and found a rat inside it. What should I do about this?
|
||
|
||
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
It is interesting that you do not say, "I opened a bottle of milk and found,
|
||
*to my horror*, a rat inside it." That is the usual form, and one which we in
|
||
the legal profession strongly recommend. If it was not to your horror, what
|
||
exactly *was* it to? If, for example, it was to your delight, then I am
|
||
afraid that I am ethically bound to advise you that there is little we can do
|
||
to screw the supermarket for every penny it has. Indeed, it could well be in
|
||
your interest to write a note of thanks to the shop, enclosing a nominal
|
||
cheque, in order to protect yourself against any claim on the part of the
|
||
supermarket for its rat back.
|
||
|
||
If, though, it was merely to your surprise, say, then there may well be
|
||
what we in the profession call a bob or two to be made out of it. Depending,
|
||
naturally, on the extent of your surprise: far be it from me to put ideas into
|
||
your head, but if the surprise was such that you fell back against a priceless
|
||
T'ang vase which, as it shattered, caused your prize chihuahua to snuff it,
|
||
then compensation could well be considerable. Whereas if you merely
|
||
exclaimed: "Bugger me, it's a rat!" I do not see much material advantage in
|
||
going before the courts.
|
||
|
||
Nor do you say whether or not the rat was dead. If the rat left the shop
|
||
alive and expired while in your charge, you could well find an action for
|
||
cruelty brought against you, with the result that you might well be prohibited
|
||
for life from keeping another rat. We in the legal profession should not,
|
||
were this the case, wish to touch you with a bargepole.
|
||
|
||
Why not write me another letter something along the lines of: "A few days
|
||
ago, I opened a bottle of milk purchased at a local supermarket, and to my
|
||
inexpressible horror and disgust found a dead rat inside it, since when I have
|
||
had no sleep, suffered fainting fits, been unable to hold anything on a
|
||
stomach which has always been sensitive, and lost all sexual interest. Can
|
||
you in the legal profession take the supermarket to the cleaners, not just for
|
||
me, but for decent human beings everywhere?"
|
||
|
||
|