42 lines
2.4 KiB
Plaintext
42 lines
2.4 KiB
Plaintext
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OUR LAWYER WRITES:
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Dear Our Lawyer:
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A few days ago, I opened a bottle of milk purchased at a local supermarket
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and found a rat inside it. What should I do about this?
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It is interesting that you do not say, "I opened a bottle of milk and found,
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*to my horror*, a rat inside it." That is the usual form, and one which we in
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the legal profession strongly recommend. If it was not to your horror, what
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exactly *was* it to? If, for example, it was to your delight, then I am
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afraid that I am ethically bound to advise you that there is little we can do
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to screw the supermarket for every penny it has. Indeed, it could well be in
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your interest to write a note of thanks to the shop, enclosing a nominal
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cheque, in order to protect yourself against any claim on the part of the
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supermarket for its rat back.
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If, though, it was merely to your surprise, say, then there may well be
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what we in the profession call a bob or two to be made out of it. Depending,
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naturally, on the extent of your surprise: far be it from me to put ideas into
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your head, but if the surprise was such that you fell back against a priceless
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T'ang vase which, as it shattered, caused your prize chihuahua to snuff it,
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then compensation could well be considerable. Whereas if you merely
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exclaimed: "Bugger me, it's a rat!" I do not see much material advantage in
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going before the courts.
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Nor do you say whether or not the rat was dead. If the rat left the shop
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alive and expired while in your charge, you could well find an action for
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cruelty brought against you, with the result that you might well be prohibited
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for life from keeping another rat. We in the legal profession should not,
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were this the case, wish to touch you with a bargepole.
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Why not write me another letter something along the lines of: "A few days
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ago, I opened a bottle of milk purchased at a local supermarket, and to my
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inexpressible horror and disgust found a dead rat inside it, since when I have
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had no sleep, suffered fainting fits, been unable to hold anything on a
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stomach which has always been sensitive, and lost all sexual interest. Can
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you in the legal profession take the supermarket to the cleaners, not just for
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me, but for decent human beings everywhere?"
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