51 lines
2.4 KiB
Plaintext
51 lines
2.4 KiB
Plaintext
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HOW TO OPEN A PACKET OF DRY ROASTED PEANUTS.
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============================================
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1) Hold the packet upright in your left hand.
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2) Turn it round so that the front is facing away from you.
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3) Grasp the packet 3/4" from the top with the tumb & forefinger of your
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right hand.
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4) Grasp the opposite edge of the packet 3/4" from the top with the thumb
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and forefinger of your left hand.
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5) Pull gently but firmly.
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6) Turn the packet round so that the front is now faving towards you, &
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rotate through 90 degrees.
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7) Place either end of the packet in each palm, close the fists & grind
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them in alternate clockwise & anticlockwise directions as if wringing
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out a small towel.
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8) After 20-30 turns, place packet down on bar & order a large whiskey.
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9) Approach the packet quickly & silently from below, grabbing it round
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the neck with one hand & ruthlessly scoring the obverse edge with the
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thumbnails.
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10) Without giving the packet a chance to react, bring it up to the teeth &
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clamp hard on the bottom edge.
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11) Worry the packet to & fro, champing & twisting with the teeth & pulling
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with a steady pressure with both hands in the other direction.
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12) In the same movement rip the whole packet along the metallic bevelled
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top, cutting your hands open, throw it on to the floor & jump up & down
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on it, grunting & screaming.
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13) And rest.
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14) Order another large whiskey.
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15) Wait another six hours.
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16) Scrabble viciously at the packet all over using nails, eye-teeth &
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key-ring. Rub packet harshly between now unshaven chin (or calves if
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woman) & surface of bar.
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17) Stab packet suddenly & without warning with pait of ice-tongs.
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18) Still using tongs raise packet high in air & slam down on to one of the
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ornamental beer-cans atop the beer-taps.
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19) Repeat mercilessly, sobbing aloud. Rush outside cursing obscenely.
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20) Find small child (there is usually one locked in a Cortina in the
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car park) & ask them to do it.
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NEXT WEEK: HOW TO OPEN A LOCKED CORTINA USING ONLY A PACKET OF DRY ROASTED
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PEANUTS.
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Downloaded from the Pinnacle Club (Auckland, NZ) Thanks Bernadette!
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