51 lines
2.4 KiB
Plaintext
51 lines
2.4 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
HOW TO OPEN A PACKET OF DRY ROASTED PEANUTS.
|
|||
|
|
============================================
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
1) Hold the packet upright in your left hand.
|
|||
|
|
2) Turn it round so that the front is facing away from you.
|
|||
|
|
3) Grasp the packet 3/4" from the top with the tumb & forefinger of your
|
|||
|
|
right hand.
|
|||
|
|
4) Grasp the opposite edge of the packet 3/4" from the top with the thumb
|
|||
|
|
and forefinger of your left hand.
|
|||
|
|
5) Pull gently but firmly.
|
|||
|
|
6) Turn the packet round so that the front is now faving towards you, &
|
|||
|
|
rotate through 90 degrees.
|
|||
|
|
7) Place either end of the packet in each palm, close the fists & grind
|
|||
|
|
them in alternate clockwise & anticlockwise directions as if wringing
|
|||
|
|
out a small towel.
|
|||
|
|
8) After 20-30 turns, place packet down on bar & order a large whiskey.
|
|||
|
|
9) Approach the packet quickly & silently from below, grabbing it round
|
|||
|
|
the neck with one hand & ruthlessly scoring the obverse edge with the
|
|||
|
|
thumbnails.
|
|||
|
|
10) Without giving the packet a chance to react, bring it up to the teeth &
|
|||
|
|
clamp hard on the bottom edge.
|
|||
|
|
11) Worry the packet to & fro, champing & twisting with the teeth & pulling
|
|||
|
|
with a steady pressure with both hands in the other direction.
|
|||
|
|
12) In the same movement rip the whole packet along the metallic bevelled
|
|||
|
|
top, cutting your hands open, throw it on to the floor & jump up & down
|
|||
|
|
on it, grunting & screaming.
|
|||
|
|
13) And rest.
|
|||
|
|
14) Order another large whiskey.
|
|||
|
|
15) Wait another six hours.
|
|||
|
|
16) Scrabble viciously at the packet all over using nails, eye-teeth &
|
|||
|
|
key-ring. Rub packet harshly between now unshaven chin (or calves if
|
|||
|
|
woman) & surface of bar.
|
|||
|
|
17) Stab packet suddenly & without warning with pait of ice-tongs.
|
|||
|
|
18) Still using tongs raise packet high in air & slam down on to one of the
|
|||
|
|
ornamental beer-cans atop the beer-taps.
|
|||
|
|
19) Repeat mercilessly, sobbing aloud. Rush outside cursing obscenely.
|
|||
|
|
20) Find small child (there is usually one locked in a Cortina in the
|
|||
|
|
car park) & ask them to do it.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
NEXT WEEK: HOW TO OPEN A LOCKED CORTINA USING ONLY A PACKET OF DRY ROASTED
|
|||
|
|
PEANUTS.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|||
|
|
Downloaded from the Pinnacle Club (Auckland, NZ) Thanks Bernadette!
|
|||
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|