62 lines
3.1 KiB
Plaintext
62 lines
3.1 KiB
Plaintext
HELP! THE GROMMET'S MISSING!
|
||
|
||
I had a happy Father's Day Eve. I was sipping a tasty Rheinhessen on the back
|
||
porch when a clattering disturbed my oenophilic reveries. I looked up and, eyes
|
||
agog, stared blankly as the rest of the family lugged a huge box marked "Gas
|
||
Grill" into view and dumped it huffing at my feet.
|
||
|
||
(They were huffing; the gas grill huffed later on.)
|
||
|
||
"Happy Father's Day!" they crowed.
|
||
|
||
My ministrations of pleasure and affection amid the hubub of familial
|
||
excitement soon turned into thoughts of defenestration as I set about assembling
|
||
my newest toy.
|
||
|
||
Why? Here is a quote from the assembly manual and you'll see why:
|
||
|
||
"Affix hoop (18) to side standards (33) with provided long bolts after first
|
||
securing hub (4) through axle carrier (12) and side ribs (7). Repeat procedure
|
||
other side. View illustration."
|
||
|
||
I thought about throwing the instructions away right then and should have, but
|
||
my wife (referred to in the instruction manual as "helper") is the logical sort
|
||
who believes her husband ought to "do it right this time."
|
||
|
||
So, I resigned myself to assistance from both manual and spouse and sturdily
|
||
continued assembling my Father's Day gift.
|
||
|
||
I was distracted in this effort by the cat and the two-year-old who both came
|
||
curiously close to being killed when we reached the climactic chapter in the
|
||
instructions -- you know, the one that tells how to "insert Venturi tube into
|
||
line assembly (25), adjusting inlet valves to 1/8-inch windows while drawing
|
||
spark line (41) through eyelet."
|
||
|
||
I was also distracted by the not-so-fond recollection of countless witty
|
||
Sunday magazine insert articles about self-assembly of Christmas bikes, gas
|
||
grills and household widgets. You know the kind I'm thinking about: some
|
||
depraved writer who had to send the bike back to the manufacturer for repairs
|
||
due to his botching the job writes a funny piece in order to recoup his freight
|
||
expenses.
|
||
|
||
This, by the way, isn't one of those articles. The gas grill works fine. But
|
||
the episode does bring to mind a couple of my pet theories about kit-making.
|
||
|
||
The first is about the so-called "ease of assembly." What American
|
||
manufacturers do, I think, is have a group of employees write the instruction
|
||
manual. The product of their effort is then translated into Japanese or Spanish
|
||
(depending on where the kit is packed). Then, either a Japanese or Mexican
|
||
re-translates the manual into English again, prints it and stuffs it in with all
|
||
of the parts. That's my only explanation for the ponderous and, yes, tortuous
|
||
nature of instruction manuals.
|
||
|
||
My second theory is this: You can't fault the quality of workmanship if
|
||
you're the one who did it. So, if the drive chain on your kit-assembled ten
|
||
speed bike falls off, or if your gas grill blows up in your face, or if your
|
||
made-at-night-at-home color TV set only works on Channel 1, you only have
|
||
yourself to blame.
|
||
|
||
For sure you can't blame the wife, kids and cat. Even if they never let you
|
||
forget about the ten speed color gas grill sitting useless on the back porch.
|
||
|
||
|