62 lines
3.1 KiB
Plaintext
62 lines
3.1 KiB
Plaintext
|
HELP! THE GROMMET'S MISSING!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
I had a happy Father's Day Eve. I was sipping a tasty Rheinhessen on the back
|
|||
|
|
porch when a clattering disturbed my oenophilic reveries. I looked up and, eyes
|
|||
|
|
agog, stared blankly as the rest of the family lugged a huge box marked "Gas
|
|||
|
|
Grill" into view and dumped it huffing at my feet.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
(They were huffing; the gas grill huffed later on.)
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Happy Father's Day!" they crowed.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
My ministrations of pleasure and affection amid the hubub of familial
|
|||
|
|
excitement soon turned into thoughts of defenestration as I set about assembling
|
|||
|
|
my newest toy.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Why? Here is a quote from the assembly manual and you'll see why:
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Affix hoop (18) to side standards (33) with provided long bolts after first
|
|||
|
|
securing hub (4) through axle carrier (12) and side ribs (7). Repeat procedure
|
|||
|
|
other side. View illustration."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
I thought about throwing the instructions away right then and should have, but
|
|||
|
|
my wife (referred to in the instruction manual as "helper") is the logical sort
|
|||
|
|
who believes her husband ought to "do it right this time."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
So, I resigned myself to assistance from both manual and spouse and sturdily
|
|||
|
|
continued assembling my Father's Day gift.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
I was distracted in this effort by the cat and the two-year-old who both came
|
|||
|
|
curiously close to being killed when we reached the climactic chapter in the
|
|||
|
|
instructions -- you know, the one that tells how to "insert Venturi tube into
|
|||
|
|
line assembly (25), adjusting inlet valves to 1/8-inch windows while drawing
|
|||
|
|
spark line (41) through eyelet."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
I was also distracted by the not-so-fond recollection of countless witty
|
|||
|
|
Sunday magazine insert articles about self-assembly of Christmas bikes, gas
|
|||
|
|
grills and household widgets. You know the kind I'm thinking about: some
|
|||
|
|
depraved writer who had to send the bike back to the manufacturer for repairs
|
|||
|
|
due to his botching the job writes a funny piece in order to recoup his freight
|
|||
|
|
expenses.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
This, by the way, isn't one of those articles. The gas grill works fine. But
|
|||
|
|
the episode does bring to mind a couple of my pet theories about kit-making.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The first is about the so-called "ease of assembly." What American
|
|||
|
|
manufacturers do, I think, is have a group of employees write the instruction
|
|||
|
|
manual. The product of their effort is then translated into Japanese or Spanish
|
|||
|
|
(depending on where the kit is packed). Then, either a Japanese or Mexican
|
|||
|
|
re-translates the manual into English again, prints it and stuffs it in with all
|
|||
|
|
of the parts. That's my only explanation for the ponderous and, yes, tortuous
|
|||
|
|
nature of instruction manuals.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
My second theory is this: You can't fault the quality of workmanship if
|
|||
|
|
you're the one who did it. So, if the drive chain on your kit-assembled ten
|
|||
|
|
speed bike falls off, or if your gas grill blows up in your face, or if your
|
|||
|
|
made-at-night-at-home color TV set only works on Channel 1, you only have
|
|||
|
|
yourself to blame.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
For sure you can't blame the wife, kids and cat. Even if they never let you
|
|||
|
|
forget about the ten speed color gas grill sitting useless on the back porch.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|