159 lines
4.0 KiB
Plaintext
159 lines
4.0 KiB
Plaintext
Path: ns-mx!iowasp!deimos.cis.ksu.edu!ux1.cso.uiuc.edu!brutus.cs.uiuc.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!usc!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!decwrl!looking!funny-request
|
||
From: neil@ist.co.uk (Neil Todd)
|
||
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
|
||
Subject: "The CV macros"
|
||
Keywords: computer, smirk
|
||
Message-ID: <128676@looking.on.ca>
|
||
Date: 8 Apr 90 23:30:10 GMT
|
||
Sender: funnyr@looking.on.ca
|
||
Organization: The Happyville Home for the Cheerfully Insane (GiD Ltd)
|
||
Lines: 145
|
||
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
|
||
Reply-Path: ist.co.uk!neil
|
||
|
||
|
||
Introducing a new "portable" macro package for troff-like processors
|
||
===================================================================
|
||
|
||
|
||
Andy Greener (andy@gid.co.uk)
|
||
Neil Todd (neil@gid.co.uk)
|
||
|
||
GiD Ltd
|
||
Upper Basildon
|
||
Reading
|
||
Berks
|
||
UK
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Tired of messing around with your CV, trying to get it just
|
||
right?
|
||
|
||
Naked troff getting you down?
|
||
|
||
Need to change it at short notice to fit the Job Ad?
|
||
|
||
|
||
Yes??
|
||
|
||
|
||
Well, in that case you need THE CV MACROS!!
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
A simple-to-use Troff macro package that takes care of all
|
||
those messy formatting problems and gives you some added
|
||
features:
|
||
|
||
+ Optional invisible typeface (use .I) that utilises the
|
||
little known feature of most Laser printers that allows
|
||
the selection of a "white" toner cartridge. This
|
||
specially formulated toner is completely invisible on
|
||
white paper, so should your manager see it being
|
||
printed he'll think you've just screwed up again. But
|
||
get it home, pop it in the oven at regulo 6 for 15 mins
|
||
and hey presto! the toner turns black. You never have
|
||
to be furtive in the print room again.
|
||
|
||
+ A hype typeface (.HY) that selects a special toner that
|
||
absorbs 24 in every 25 photons that strike it -
|
||
resulting in a typeface that flashes twice a second
|
||
under normal 50Hz lighting. A slightly increased flash
|
||
rate is automatically selected when applying for North
|
||
American jobs (to match the increased tempo of life
|
||
there).
|
||
|
||
CV HEALTH WARNING: Due to the energy absorbing nature
|
||
of this typeface, prolonged exposure to bright lights
|
||
may seriously damage your job prospects.
|
||
|
||
|
||
+ A little "white lie" macro (.WL) sets the following
|
||
text in a radioactive typeface that has a half-life (in
|
||
days) selectable via an argument. As the toner decays
|
||
the text becomes rapidly unreadable.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
February 19, 1990
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
- 2 -
|
||
|
||
|
||
+ A "photocopy glitch" macro (.PG) is available that
|
||
causes the typeface to be altered by a random dither
|
||
algorithm applied to the laser beam drive logic. Useful
|
||
for those embarrasing A level or degree results.
|
||
|
||
+ The "salary" macro (.SL) is available to generate
|
||
suitable "current salary" and "required salary" lines.
|
||
This is a complicated macro, but illustrates a number
|
||
of the lesser known troff features, including ".ra"
|
||
(the random number generator). This macro also takes an
|
||
optional numerical argument, a weekly auto-increment
|
||
for the required salary. This saves the interview
|
||
weary job-hunter from editing the cv merely to ask for
|
||
more money.
|
||
|
||
The features of this package are open to one and all. So
|
||
long as you can use troff or similar you've got it made. To
|
||
avoid excessive use of these novel features (these typefaces
|
||
are expensive you know!) troff will only function with the
|
||
-mcv macros if the input file name is $HOME/cv.
|
||
|
||
Oh, and one last thing, remember to de-crypt it first!
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
February 19, 1990
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
--
|
||
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
|
||
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
|
||
|
||
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
|
||
|