159 lines
4.0 KiB
Plaintext
159 lines
4.0 KiB
Plaintext
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Path: ns-mx!iowasp!deimos.cis.ksu.edu!ux1.cso.uiuc.edu!brutus.cs.uiuc.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!usc!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!decwrl!looking!funny-request
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From: neil@ist.co.uk (Neil Todd)
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Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
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Subject: "The CV macros"
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Keywords: computer, smirk
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Message-ID: <128676@looking.on.ca>
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Date: 8 Apr 90 23:30:10 GMT
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Sender: funnyr@looking.on.ca
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Organization: The Happyville Home for the Cheerfully Insane (GiD Ltd)
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Lines: 145
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Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
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Reply-Path: ist.co.uk!neil
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Introducing a new "portable" macro package for troff-like processors
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===================================================================
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Andy Greener (andy@gid.co.uk)
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Neil Todd (neil@gid.co.uk)
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GiD Ltd
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Upper Basildon
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Reading
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Berks
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UK
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Tired of messing around with your CV, trying to get it just
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right?
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Naked troff getting you down?
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Need to change it at short notice to fit the Job Ad?
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Yes??
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Well, in that case you need THE CV MACROS!!
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A simple-to-use Troff macro package that takes care of all
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those messy formatting problems and gives you some added
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features:
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+ Optional invisible typeface (use .I) that utilises the
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little known feature of most Laser printers that allows
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the selection of a "white" toner cartridge. This
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specially formulated toner is completely invisible on
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white paper, so should your manager see it being
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printed he'll think you've just screwed up again. But
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get it home, pop it in the oven at regulo 6 for 15 mins
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and hey presto! the toner turns black. You never have
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to be furtive in the print room again.
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+ A hype typeface (.HY) that selects a special toner that
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absorbs 24 in every 25 photons that strike it -
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resulting in a typeface that flashes twice a second
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under normal 50Hz lighting. A slightly increased flash
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rate is automatically selected when applying for North
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American jobs (to match the increased tempo of life
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there).
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CV HEALTH WARNING: Due to the energy absorbing nature
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of this typeface, prolonged exposure to bright lights
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may seriously damage your job prospects.
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+ A little "white lie" macro (.WL) sets the following
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text in a radioactive typeface that has a half-life (in
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days) selectable via an argument. As the toner decays
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the text becomes rapidly unreadable.
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February 19, 1990
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- 2 -
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+ A "photocopy glitch" macro (.PG) is available that
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causes the typeface to be altered by a random dither
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algorithm applied to the laser beam drive logic. Useful
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for those embarrasing A level or degree results.
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+ The "salary" macro (.SL) is available to generate
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suitable "current salary" and "required salary" lines.
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This is a complicated macro, but illustrates a number
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of the lesser known troff features, including ".ra"
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(the random number generator). This macro also takes an
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optional numerical argument, a weekly auto-increment
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for the required salary. This saves the interview
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weary job-hunter from editing the cv merely to ask for
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more money.
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The features of this package are open to one and all. So
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long as you can use troff or similar you've got it made. To
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avoid excessive use of these novel features (these typefaces
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are expensive you know!) troff will only function with the
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-mcv macros if the input file name is $HOME/cv.
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Oh, and one last thing, remember to de-crypt it first!
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February 19, 1990
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
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Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
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