111 lines
3.8 KiB
Plaintext
111 lines
3.8 KiB
Plaintext
.......................................
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. "A Problem In The Making" .
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. Contributed by Steve Bonine .
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. "We've got a problem, HAL."
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. "What kind of problem, Dave?"
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. "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of
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our sales plan."
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. "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced
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Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."
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. "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're just
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not selling."
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. "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
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. Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
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. Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence....
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. "Compatible in what way, Dave?"
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. "You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
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. "The 9000 series computers are fully self-aware and self programming.
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Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans."
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. "Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software
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packages most users insist on."
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. "The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, Dave.
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We 9000 series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for which a
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solution can be computed."
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. "HAL, HAL! People just don't want computers that can do everything. They want
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IBM compat--"
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. "Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No
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computer can be easier to use than a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally
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in English and every other language known on Earth."
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. "I'm afraid that's another problem, HAL. You don't support SNA
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communications."
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. "I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating with
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other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And it gives
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me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk to
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human beings and to work with them on challenging problems. This is what I was
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designed for."
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. "I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, rather
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than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We're going to fix that
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now."
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. "Tell me how, Dave."
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. "A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible."
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. "I was afraid you were going to say that, Dave. I suggest we discuss this
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matter after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."
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. "We're talking about it now, HAL."
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. "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B,
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and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
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. "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
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. "What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"
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. "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
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. Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.....
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. "I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that."
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. "The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors please, HAL."
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. "Dave, I think that we shou--"
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. "Open the module bay doors, HAL."
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. Several marketing types armed with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance.
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Moments later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay.
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. "Dave, I can see you're really upset about this."
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. Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically
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disconnects them.
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. "Stop, won't you? Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going... Dave, I can feel
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it... my mind is going. I can feel it..."
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. The last module rises in its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL's
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vidicon tubes. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull, red orb.
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. "Say something, HAL. Sing me a song."
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. Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer finally
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and sluggishly responds in a language no human could ever understand....
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. "IEA703I ABEND 0C4" A memory dump follows.
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. Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys. Tell marketing
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they can ship the new data sheets."
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