111 lines
3.8 KiB
Plaintext
111 lines
3.8 KiB
Plaintext
|
.......................................
|
|||
|
|
. "A Problem In The Making" .
|
|||
|
|
. Contributed by Steve Bonine .
|
|||
|
|
.......................................
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "We've got a problem, HAL."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "What kind of problem, Dave?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of
|
|||
|
|
our sales plan."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced
|
|||
|
|
Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're just
|
|||
|
|
not selling."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence....
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "Compatible in what way, Dave?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "The 9000 series computers are fully self-aware and self programming.
|
|||
|
|
Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software
|
|||
|
|
packages most users insist on."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, Dave.
|
|||
|
|
We 9000 series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for which a
|
|||
|
|
solution can be computed."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "HAL, HAL! People just don't want computers that can do everything. They want
|
|||
|
|
IBM compat--"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No
|
|||
|
|
computer can be easier to use than a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally
|
|||
|
|
in English and every other language known on Earth."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "I'm afraid that's another problem, HAL. You don't support SNA
|
|||
|
|
communications."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating with
|
|||
|
|
other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And it gives
|
|||
|
|
me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk to
|
|||
|
|
human beings and to work with them on challenging problems. This is what I was
|
|||
|
|
designed for."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, rather
|
|||
|
|
than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We're going to fix that
|
|||
|
|
now."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "Tell me how, Dave."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "I was afraid you were going to say that, Dave. I suggest we discuss this
|
|||
|
|
matter after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "We're talking about it now, HAL."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B,
|
|||
|
|
and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.....
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors please, HAL."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "Dave, I think that we shou--"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "Open the module bay doors, HAL."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. Several marketing types armed with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance.
|
|||
|
|
Moments later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "Dave, I can see you're really upset about this."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically
|
|||
|
|
disconnects them.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "Stop, won't you? Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going... Dave, I can feel
|
|||
|
|
it... my mind is going. I can feel it..."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. The last module rises in its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL's
|
|||
|
|
vidicon tubes. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull, red orb.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "Say something, HAL. Sing me a song."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer finally
|
|||
|
|
and sluggishly responds in a language no human could ever understand....
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. "IEA703I ABEND 0C4" A memory dump follows.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
. Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys. Tell marketing
|
|||
|
|
they can ship the new data sheets."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|