1 line
19 KiB
Plaintext
1 line
19 KiB
Plaintext
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
|
|
%% %%
|
|
%% ====================================================== %%
|
|
%% The Rumpus Chronicles Part IV: Rumpus in the Slammer! %%
|
|
%% ====================================================== %%
|
|
%% %%
|
|
%% By your friend..The Reflex %%
|
|
%% %%
|
|
%% Brought to you by Omnipotent, Incorporated %%
|
|
%% %%
|
|
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
|
|
|
|
|
|
PROLOGUE:
|
|
|
|
Well, it seems that since we last left, Rumpus was on his way to prison
|
|
after a little accident in his father's Rumpusmobile. Rumpus was speeding
|
|
(actually he was only doing 35 MPH which appears to be the top speed for a
|
|
Rumpusmobile which is a souped up '88 four-wheel drive turbo Yugo) in a 30 mile
|
|
per hour zone. When he ran a red light, he was chased by police and had his
|
|
tires shot out. The police arrested Rumpus for driving without a license and
|
|
for speeding. There were additional rumors of charges for just looking like a
|
|
Rumpus, but these have yet to be cleared up. They placed him under arrest,
|
|
anyway, and drove off with him. This is where the adventure continues...
|
|
|
|
THE ARREST:
|
|
|
|
The two policemen placed handcuffs on Rumpus not knowing whether or not he
|
|
might be some crazy criminal or not. The mass murderer had not been
|
|
apprehended yet and the police weren't taking chances with anyone that night.
|
|
Rumpus pleaded with them and tried to convince them that he was actually Rumpus
|
|
Senior as the driver's license he was found with stated. However, while they
|
|
were frisking him, the police found exactly 213 unopened condoms and then they
|
|
were convinced that he was a teenager. Soooo...
|
|
|
|
"I swear that I'm 54!" Rumpus almost cried.
|
|
|
|
"Of course you are, son. Hey, MacMurphy, call out a wrecker and have that
|
|
flaming wreck towed off before anyone gets hurt," the first policeman said with
|
|
a heavy Irish accent.
|
|
|
|
"All right, O'Brian!" the other one replied with an even stronger accent.
|
|
|
|
"Looks like we'll have to take you downtown, son," O'Brian said to Rumpus.
|
|
|
|
"No! If you do that, I'll get in trouble!" Rumpus was now screaming.
|
|
|
|
"Hey, MacMurphy, pistol-whip him so we can take him in without any
|
|
trouble," O'Brian ordered his partner.
|
|
|
|
MacMurphy unsnapped the release on his holster and withdrew a long .38
|
|
from it. He turned it around so that he was holding the barrel in his right
|
|
hand. Doing this, he walked over to Rumpus and raised it up in the air.
|
|
|
|
Now at this point, you may remember that Rumpus is a strong believer in
|
|
the hair-mousse cult and always uses more than is necessary to get his hair to
|
|
spike like a porcupine. MacMurphy brought the handle of the pistol forcefully
|
|
down on Rumpus' head. However, when the handle hit the rock-hard spikes on
|
|
Rumpus scalp the gun discharged a single round. The bullet penetrated
|
|
MacMurphy's pants about a half inch below his zipper then ricocheted off the
|
|
cement and whined into the left rear tire of the patrol car. Something small,
|
|
round and bleeding dropped from MacMurphy's pants and made a small PLOP! on the
|
|
ground. As the tire hissed leaking air, MacMurphy grabbed his groin and rolled
|
|
in pain on the ground screaming something about not being able to have any more
|
|
children. Upon hearing the gunshot, Rumpus wet his pants and passed out saving
|
|
the two officers any further trouble.
|
|
|
|
"Looks like the little bugger's fainted, MacMurphy," O'Brian commented.
|
|
|
|
"ARRGHHH!" was all that MacMurphy had to add as O'Brian helped him to his
|
|
feet.
|
|
|
|
The two officers placed surgical gloves (standard procedure) on and lifted
|
|
Rumpus into the rear seat of the patrol car and started off with the car
|
|
dropping up and down as it rolled along with one tire completely depleted of
|
|
air.
|
|
|
|
After driving for approximately fifteen minute Rumpus awoke in the back
|
|
seat wondering why he was feeling a rash beginning. "I guess I should've
|
|
changed underwear last week," he thought to himself.
|
|
|
|
Looking around the back seat of the police car he saw no door locks or
|
|
handles from the inside of the car. Wondering how he was going to escape, he
|
|
tried to pull on the handcuffs, but only succeeded in bruising his wrists. He
|
|
tried kicking one of the doors off, but only succeeded in bruising his feet.
|
|
He tried to bite the chain on the handcuffs, but only succeeded in bruising his
|
|
teeth [Ed. Note: Don't ask...There was so much organic growth on them by this
|
|
time that they were bruisable.].
|
|
|
|
A few minutes later, O'Brian said, "Pull into that gas station, MacMurphy.
|
|
I have to take a leak." So, MacMurphy pulled into an Exxon station. O'Brian
|
|
jumped out as MacMurphy continued to moan about his lost 'nads and about
|
|
getting revenge on "...that little fucker."
|
|
|
|
Up until this time, Rumpus was lying down and making relatively little
|
|
noise (except for hitting the door with his feet). This is why it surprised
|
|
MacMurphy when he saw a living nightmare rise in the rear-view mirror and
|
|
scream, "WONDER RUMPUS!"
|
|
|
|
Rumpus thrust his head forward into the metal grill separating the front
|
|
and back seats. Sparks flew as Rumpus' razor sharp hair cut through the strong
|
|
alloy. MacMurphy hopped out of the car screaming again. Rumpus had managed to
|
|
climb through the small hole he made (though he did have to push with his legs
|
|
when his oddly-proportioned rump got stuck). He grabbed the shotgun that was
|
|
latched to the dashboard with his teeth and jumped out the passenger side door.
|
|
|
|
MacMurphy was pounding on the bathroom door and still screaming something
|
|
about "superhuman midgets" when O'Brian finally opened the door and came
|
|
running out with toilet paper trailing from the back of his pants.
|
|
|
|
"What's wrong?" he asked.
|
|
|
|
MacMurphy babbled some more when O'Brian saw Rumpus running towards the
|
|
street carrying a shotgun in his mouth. O'Brian drew his sidearm and fired a
|
|
warning shot in the air. Rumpus turned around and managed to aim and pull the
|
|
trigger of the shotgun with his tongue. The kick spun him around several times
|
|
and he became dizzy. The blast took the cowboy hat off of officer O'Brian.
|
|
|
|
O'Brian was about to return fire, but by this time, Rumpus was sitting on
|
|
the ground trying to get his head to stop spinning. He had dropped the
|
|
shotgun.
|
|
|
|
The two cops put the prisoner back into the patrol car and bumped back to
|
|
headquarters. Officer O'Brian had to drive this time since Officer MacMurphy
|
|
was still babbling about wondersomethings and had taken to sucking his thumb in
|
|
a prenatal position and rubbing his earlobe with the other one.
|
|
|
|
Once they were back at headquarters for the City of Rumpusville Police
|
|
Force, O'Brian took Rumpus in to be booked while MacMurphy wandered around the
|
|
parking lot still murmuring. Rumpus was told to sit in a chair next to a desk
|
|
where O'Brian sat around on the other side. The officer placed a piece of
|
|
paper in a typewriter and started typing way.
|
|
|
|
"Please state your full name," he said.
|
|
|
|
"Puddin' 'n' Tang. Ask me again and I'll tell you the same!" screamed a
|
|
still dizzy Rumpus.
|
|
|
|
"Please state your address, Mister Tang."
|
|
|
|
"I live at 40 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C. Zip code OU812"
|
|
|
|
"And you phone number, please..."
|
|
|
|
"Area code (312) 555-1212."
|
|
|
|
"Thank you. Please go take a seat over there while I file this
|
|
information," O'Brian told Rumpus. Rumpus walked over to a small bench and sat
|
|
down next to a large black man. In his eternal wisdom, Rumpus turns to the
|
|
black man and yells, "Hey, spearchucker, move it on down. You're dripping
|
|
Afro-Sheen on me!" The black man turned to Rumpus and made a glutteral growl
|
|
that came somewhere from his chest. He picked Rumpus up by his feet and stuck
|
|
him in the wooden bench by his hair.
|
|
|
|
A clerk behind another desk called out, "Mr. Tang."
|
|
|
|
Rumpus, still standing on his head by his hair stuck in the bench
|
|
remembered his alias he gave Mr. O'Brian and said, "Uh, me...um, sir."
|
|
|
|
"Well, don't just stand there, come over here. We have to fingerprint
|
|
you."
|
|
|
|
Rumpus placed his feet against the wall and gave himself a shove. The
|
|
force unlodged his hair from the bench. He flew and did an athletic flip
|
|
(almost) and landed on his -- "Ahhhh! Unh!" -- rump again. He got up and
|
|
walked over to the clerk behind the desk who told him to stick his hands out.
|
|
Rumpus complied by sticking his still handcuffed hands in front of him. The
|
|
clerk stuck each one of Rumpus' fingers on a small inkpad and then rubbed them
|
|
across a piece of paper that another officer had handed him.
|
|
|
|
The clerk then pulled out a rather large inkpad measuring about two square
|
|
feet. Rumpus asked the clerk what it was for. The clerk put one of his hands
|
|
behind Rumpus' head and explained, "Well, our camera broke yesterday and since
|
|
we have to have a picture of all the suspects that come in here..."
|
|
|
|
With this he pulled Rumpus' face down and slammed it onto the large
|
|
inkpad. Rumpus squirmed as he tried to get out. Finally the clerk let Rumpus
|
|
lift his head only to have a piece of paper slapped over it. He took the paper
|
|
off and then put it in a file with the other fingerprints. Rumpus, with a
|
|
rather dirty face and hands now only added an "Unh!"
|
|
|
|
Rumpus was given a paper towel to wipe off on and then directed to a door
|
|
off to his right. He walked through it and a large butch policewoman grabbed
|
|
him and pushed him against the wall. "Give me all your valuables, short and
|
|
squatty," she rumbled. Rumpus dug through his pockets and pulled out his
|
|
change, took off his father's watch, and took off his thick electroplated gold
|
|
chain and handed them to the (if you could call her this) woman. She placed
|
|
them in a manilla envelope marked "Pud N. Tang," Rumpus' new assumed identity,
|
|
and then directed him into another room where there were about nine other
|
|
prisoners.
|
|
|
|
INSIDE THE WALL:
|
|
|
|
A tall, skinny officer came in and directed the prisoners to remove all of
|
|
their clothing. All of them complied except for Rumpus who refused to remove
|
|
his clothing in the company of the other males in the room. Two large cops
|
|
were called into the room by the skinny one and forcefully stripped Rumpus down
|
|
to his underwear (not the last time this would happen to our hero in jail).
|
|
Rumpus was screaming about how he was an American and that they couldn't do
|
|
this to him. He claimed to be the nephew of Ferdinand Marcos which brought
|
|
laughter from the other prisoners.
|
|
|
|
Then the skinny cop said, "Now, please remove your underwear or do we have
|
|
to do that too?"
|
|
|
|
Rumpus only said "Unh!" as he took off his underwear. He held them behind
|
|
his head then flung them at the skinny cop who ducked. The underwear hit the
|
|
wall behind the cop and clung to it.
|
|
|
|
"Do you want solitary confinement, Mr. Tang?"
|
|
|
|
After being handed a Rumpus County Jail uniform, Rumpus was de-liced
|
|
against his will. He was then placed in a dark holding cell with another
|
|
prisoner. Rumpus couldn't tell what he looked like since it was now about two
|
|
o' clock in the morning and all the lights were off. Rumpus collapsed on the
|
|
lower bunk of the cell in exhaustion.
|
|
|
|
Several hours later, Rumpus opened his squinted eyes to find his fellow
|
|
cellmate sitting on his chest on slapping his face. Rumpus screamed and jumped
|
|
up throwing his cellmate off him and ran to the corner of the cell where the
|
|
combination toilet/washbasin was. After a few seconds he managed to focus his
|
|
eyes and realized the door to the cell was open and there were about five
|
|
people standing in the small cubicle.
|
|
|
|
His cellmate, a tall, skinny, AIDS-patient-looking person with orangish
|
|
hair approached him and said, "My name is Dominic. This is my band of Merry
|
|
Men," he gestured to the four guys standing behind him. "Welcome to my
|
|
kingdom," he concluded.
|
|
|
|
"Get away from me, you faggot!" Rumpus screamed again.
|
|
|
|
"That's not any way to talk to the people that you'll be spending a lot of
|
|
time with from now on...pretty boy."
|
|
|
|
Rumpus screamed as everything went dark.
|
|
|
|
[Several hours later...]
|
|
|
|
"And then I shot down this fat pig while running over the other..." Rumpus
|
|
bragged. All of the Merry Men and Dominic replied with an "Oooooh!" in unison.
|
|
|
|
"Then after I blew up California, I fled to this place, but they managed
|
|
to catch me after using laser-guided hound dogs," he added. By this time,
|
|
Rumpus had the prison gang so impressed that they made him their new leader.
|
|
Over the next couple of days he enjoyed complete run of the jail while walking
|
|
with a gait that was more free. But things grew lonely at the top for the
|
|
kingfish Rumpus.
|
|
|
|
That night, Rumpus was talking to Dominic after bedcheck. He confided how
|
|
he always wanted somebody he could talk to. He got up off his bunk and stood
|
|
on it so he could talk to Dominic who was in the upper bunk. Rumpus removed
|
|
his father's class ring from the Class of 1892 or something like that. After a
|
|
dramatic pause, Rumpus said, "Dominic, will you wear my ring...and be my ho?"
|
|
|
|
Dominic squealed with delight and hugged Rumpus. They had fun the rest of
|
|
the night. They made a plan to escape and live the rest of their lives
|
|
together. After getting the rest of the Merry Men together, they dug a tunnel
|
|
all night that extended from their cell to the forest on the other side of the
|
|
wall. They waited until dawn to make their escape.
|
|
|
|
THE GREAT ESCAPE:
|
|
|
|
When the guard was making his rounds, he noticed that Rumpus and Dominic
|
|
were still in bed. "Hey, you two. Get out out of bed...it's breakfast time!"
|
|
the guard told them. They didn't move. He walked over to the bunk and pulled
|
|
the covers back. Inside the bed were two condoms inflated to human size with
|
|
smilely faces painted on them. It was then that he noticed that there was a
|
|
tunnel dug through the toilet.
|
|
|
|
The guard picked up his walkie-talkie and practically yelled into it, "We
|
|
have a prisoner escape! The fag and the short Flip! They tunnelled their way
|
|
out through the john!"
|
|
|
|
Sirens were starting to blare just as Rumpus, Dominic, and the other Merry
|
|
Men were trying to help Big John out of the tunnel opening which had been
|
|
(surprisingly enough) large enough for Rumpus to get through, but Big John
|
|
couldn't get through.
|
|
|
|
Rumpus took off running through the forest telling the others to follow
|
|
and forget about Big John. They wouldn't follow. Rumpus tripped over a root
|
|
of a tree and stumbled down a bank into a stream just as a helicopter flew over
|
|
and spotted the Merry Men. Rumpus had hit his head on a rock and was knocked
|
|
silly. It's a good thing that blubber floats, otherwise, he would have drown
|
|
as he was swept down the stream.
|
|
|
|
Two hours later, Rumpus came through just as the stream was emptying into
|
|
a septic disposal management facility. It was there that he took a bath after
|
|
being in "that dirty water" for so long. Obviously, Rumpus does not know what
|
|
septic disposal management means. It took him a while to figure out what it
|
|
was that he was scrubbing his back with. He jumped out of the tank and started
|
|
to retch after remembering that he had taken a drink and gargled with the water
|
|
earlier.
|
|
|
|
He waited until nightfall before he started on his way home since he was
|
|
still in his prison uniform. Just after dusk, he came upon a house where a
|
|
lady was stringing out laundry on a clothesline. He decided to steal some
|
|
clothes so he wouldn't be recognized. After the lady went in, he slipped over
|
|
the fence.
|
|
|
|
It was a mistake, though. Rumpus had just leapt onto a sleeping Doberman
|
|
pinscher that hadn't been fed. It awoke quickly and started to chase Rumpus.
|
|
Rumpus ran for the clothesline and grabbed whatever he could then started for
|
|
the other side of the yard. Rumpus managed to grab the top side of the
|
|
chainlink fence and started to pull himself up. The Doberman caught Rumpus'
|
|
left foot and started to pull him back down. Rumpus lost his hold on the top
|
|
of the fence and fell backwards hitting the ground. Rumpus closed his eyes
|
|
believing he was about to become dog food.
|
|
|
|
Several seconds later Rumpus opened his eyes and looked around. He
|
|
couldn't see the dog anywhere. He stood up and realized that when he fell, he
|
|
landed on the dog and crushed it. "Unh!"
|
|
|
|
Just then, the lady came back out and started screaming. Rumpus jumped
|
|
back over the fence and ran off. When he looked at the clothes he had grabbed,
|
|
he found that he had grabbed only a dress, a bra, and a pair of pantyhose. He
|
|
decided it would be the best disguise and he could use the bra anyway.
|
|
|
|
After dressing in drag, Rumpus staggered to the highway and started
|
|
thumbing for a ride back to his part of town. A fat, balding businessman with
|
|
glasses picked Rumpus up and started to drive him home.
|
|
|
|
When they reached Rumpus' house, Rumpus started to get out, but the man
|
|
locked the door automatically and started to grab Rumpus while saying, "Come
|
|
on, baby, just one quicky in the back sea-- Uhhhh!" It was at the time that
|
|
he had grabbed Rumpus in areas unknown. The man screamed and pushed Rumpus out
|
|
of the car screeching off.
|
|
|
|
Rumpus walked to his front door and used the spare key hidden under the
|
|
doormat to get in. When he walked in his father was still passed out on the
|
|
couch and his mother was still making gurgling sounds with her head resting in
|
|
her food. Rumpus sighed as he walked up the stairs. "These things sure are
|
|
comfortable," he said to himself about the pantyhose as he closed his bedroom
|
|
door.
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Disclaimer: Please note that this text file is not meant to show any
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-= connection between Rumpus and Omnipotent, Inc. All other
|
|
characters in this story are either fictional or real.
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
If you wish to contact Omnipotent, Inc., please do so on one of the following:
|
|
|
|
The Dark Side AE/BBS.............................................[408] 245-SPAM
|
|
The Works BBS....................................................[914] 238-8195
|
|
Central Office BBS (2600 #2).....................................[914] 234-3260
|
|
The Haunted House BBS............................................[408] 773-1202
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
FINALLY:
|
|
|
|
Well, that seems to rap it up for Rumpus this time. Rumpus V will be out
|
|
just as soon as we get more info about what's been going on with him. Until
|
|
then do whatever you want.
|
|
|
|
(C) 1988 -- Omnipotent, Incorporated
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|