textfiles/occult/BOB/bob.000

Do what keepeth thou from wilting
shall be the loophole in the law.

His directives have been discovered
on supposedly blank audio tape and
video cassetes, and one young
SubGenius swears a speaking Dobbshead
appeared to him on the video
game, GORF.

Some are convinced his "thermal
sense" is so acute that he can look
at a bed and see the 'heat outline'
of someone who slept there days
earlier.

Another thing: although most American
food IS dangerous to human life, and
godawful radiations pour from every
appliance and power-line, REMEMBER:
SubGeniuses are mutants anyway.

So how do you get a healthy,
slackful outlook in the
face of rampant ecohell?
YOU PLUNGE INTO ECOHELL
HEAD FIRST.

But there is one medicine more
powerful than all the contamination
in New Jersey, and that medicine
is SLACK.

We eat the broccoli to gain its
patience and virtue...We drink of
the Hops and Grain to partake of
their slow, slow yet wise Judgement
and in return sacrifice to them
our Coordination.

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

Too much is always better
than not enough.

If you act like a dumbshit,
they'll treat you as an equal.

Science does not remove
the terror of the gods.

Dear Querant into the profundities
of This Twisted Randomness We Call
Reality: IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?

The stupider it looks, the more
important it probably is.

"Bob" is the gun
 and you are the bullet.

This religion is about
the scary part.

Don't just eat a hamburger...
eat the HELL out of it.

"BOB" DOES NOT MAKE PLANS, BUT
HE POSSESSES A PLAN.
And not just one plan. Many plans.

Normal, rational, causational thinking
confuses "Bob" and lowers him to human
functioning. It is WRONG for "Bob".

I'd rather be lucky than good ANY day.

DO NOT QUESTION THE MEANING 
"BEHIND" THE PIPE.

A SubGenius must be steadfast as the 
mighty amoeba and stray not one R.C.H. 
from the every-which-way Path o'"Bob."

The Slack that can be described
is not the true Slack.

SLACK is neither created 
nor destroyed.
If you don't have it, 
it's somewhere it
shouldn't be.

SLACK: a surge of uncorrupted 
gumption, an explosion of 
the "self" - not obliterating
it, but BLOATING it.

The only problem with enlightenment is
if you THINK you got it,
 you DIDN'T GET IT.

Thinking about perfection 
will only screw you up.

Slack is not simply "Not Giving a Shit." 
It is more like "Giving a Shit FREELY."

Fuck those who'd tell us what's "Good".

Death makes you get off your ass.

Cattle mutilations - Harbingers of the
Aquarian Age or Hamburgers for Wotan??

The key to your problems: 
The world IS against you.

You are owed a living and every day
should be payday.

Blow off all Leave It To Beaver myths.

The One Last Truest Law of SLACK:
Slack comes first!

Perhaps...sidestepping IS the issue.

Patriot or Alien?
Personal Saviour or False Prophet?
Nurd or Hero?
Inspired Madman or Complete Jackass?

The sleep of reason begets monsters.

..."Bob's" grin, while 
innocent-looking,
also implies a 
hellish ultimate horror...

"Larry" is the most Void of the Holy
GrinTrinity, as opposed to "Moe" of the
Left Brain and "Curly" of the Right.

I weigh 666 pounds in zero gravity,
COME AND GET ME!!!!!

They say a godzillion is the highest
number there is. Well, by God! 
I count to a godzillion and ONE!!

The natural order of things is far
too confusing to be accurately 
depicted using the 
street laws of Truth.

Is this a message, a message from 
"BOB"? Or is this just some dumb 
meaningless Bobbie-dream?

It took a genius to invent it but it
only takes a monkey to detonate it.

"Bob" sold it.
I bought it.
That settles it!

1986: "Bob" prevents Halley's Comet
      (actually a space vampire-laden 
       "cocoon")
      from destroying Earth.

1982: Dobbs blackmails U.S. Gov't into
      admitting it lied about Vietnam, 
      Nicaragua, etc. Public doesn't 
      care. Nothing results.

1984: Baboon heart accidentallly
      transplanted into human baby;
      it unexpectedly works.

1989: A Dobbshead is found carved 
      into a Martian crater by 1st 
      manned Mars landing party.

1990: Vatican moved to Mexico City.

1991: Bulletproof robots run most
      convenience stores.

1991: Disneyland converted to 
      Open Murder Park.

1993: American Indians also declare 
      independence, take over North
      and South Dakotas. Successful
      enough to loan money to 
      United States.

1997: Living clones of Elvis, Hitler, 
      Jimi Hendrix, and JFK lead 
      mankind to finally crush 
      forever the threat from the 
      Hollow Earth (details unclear).

Cut out the big Dobbshead, shellac 
it onto a fancy plaque, surround it 
with skulls, guns, swords, other 
meaningful knick-knacks, and
PRESTO you have an ALTAR!

DONATE BUCKS TO "BOB"! Spend like 
there's no tomorrow. There isn't.

For most people, taking a "wind break" 
is hit or miss, lasting no more than 
a couple of seconds.

Make religion a kick-ass adventure!
Self-help through raising hell!

Can't help but chuckle at 
International Crises?
You'll laugh all the way to 
the fully equipped
survival shelter when "Bob" 
lets you in on the
REAL JOKE!

CONTACT ALIENS - both benevolent 
AND evil. They reveal themselves 
to the worthy.

Dobbstown is the best 
place to receive
certified Acubeating, 
the Healing Art involving
transferral of pain that 
some wits have dubbed
"The Laying On of Sledgehammers."

On that promised day, when 
the giant Pipe-shaped spaceship
lands on the White House lawn,
when that great hand comes down
out of a hole in the clouds to
lift us up, will YOU be aboard??

If the Smoke from "Bob's" 
Pipe is no longer rising
to Heaven, HOW CAN OUR 
PLANET STILL EXIST?

"Bob" asks you to give up 
only your wallet, and a
relatively insignificant 
portion of your mind.
The Conspiracy wants you 
to GIVE UP, PERIOD.

For we, too, have an "Eye," 
and that Eye is
"Bob." He is the telephone 
by which Man can
harass the very gods.

He can 'apport' objects -that is,
expel impossible things 
spontaneously from his mouth or
other openings. He once terrified
a diplomat's wife by apporting a
great pile of Pipes out onto her bed.

Some say he emits 'chirps' 
in the dark to help
find his way around 
by an echolocation sense
similar to a bat's.

Wielding the Laser 
Finger of Unrelenting
Humiliation in a 
zeal-fevered studlust of
territorial sexhurt domination!!

THEY are the ones who brought
this Buck Rogers monstrosity of
microchips and inflation, nothing
makes sense anymore and everything
costs too much, the weather is weird, 
WHY DID THEY DO IT?

This planet will be 
sold down the river as sure
as Lee Harvey Oswald's 
clone cashed the 
Conspiracy's checks!

WHERE is the blood on DOBBS'S
head? His head is utterly healed,
not a rent, not a contusion...he's
JUST a Head, with a Pipe, I mean,
how do you know if he's even got
a DICK?

After the Pelting of the Pastor
with Coin, the Pastor should
preach a Waiver of Blame; all
Members agree as loudly as possible
that they are not "guilty" of anything,
or if they are, that they are
PROUD of it.

We keep getting these HINTS. 
Little integrated Hints of
meaning that are much more 
fun than the longer hours of
non-meaning. Hints that 
THE WORLD OWES US A LIVING.

Our minds are too WELL-WORN,
too SMUDGED and STAINED to be
completely washed by their
insidious "mind-cleaning"
techniques.

"Bob" can handle the aliens
but we must police ourselves.

Slack is like freedom, but
unlike freedom it brings no
responsibility.

Isn't there an easier way?
We need answers we can reach
safely, at home, in our spare
time.

False Work, done only for money,
without fun, is a SIN against
YOU ALMIGHTY (unless it's a
LOT of money).

Slack is a QUEST.

THESE are the REAL issues:
Man, God, the Amoeba, DNA,
Sex, and a Truly GOOD
Hamburger.

We don't know if there
really are quarks, whereas
here we have proof of the
"BOB" Particle.

It's "Bob." "Bob" is the TRUE
Mind Storm, the GODLY Lobe
Explosion in your skull.

But...how can we know the
Goodness of Heaven lest we have,
for comparison, vomited in the
porcelain bowls of hell?

The other partner may be a
"Slack Vampire," draining it away
with endless demands. It is so hard
to change a Slack Vampire that the
person in this situation is advised
to "Give Up". Call it quits.

It's a cinch the government
won't support the elderly
much longer.

Sodom and Gomorrah were nuked
by angels for not being
perverted ENOUGH, and Knossos
was microwaved for NO REASON
AT ALL.

The crudest ones drag people into 
their saucers and hypnotize them.

WOTAN may have some pretty vile
plans but at least they don't
include permanent mummification
of our life-spirits so that
loathsome elementals can lay EGGS
in our bodies.

You can forget Spielberg's "cute"
extraterrestrials." There ARE some
of those but they're in the same
boat we are.

Technoboredom manifests itself in
the subliminal-reality areas of the
frontal lobes of the brain and causes
the person afflicted to garner
intense satisfaction from
commercial inanity.

We've been wrong about two major
things. Our leaders DON'T "mean
well," and they AREN'T stupid.

There were originally eight days
in the week. The eighth was Hellesday,
when evil beings reigned supreme...
like Halloween and April Fool's Day
all in one. The day you fucked up on...

The One-World Religion foretold in
ALL BIBLES is here TODAY and you can
NOW CASH IN on it's RELENTLESS ERUPTION.

Going without "Bob's" word is like
taking a long journey without a map.
You'll backtrack, wander aimlessly,
go over rough, bumpy roads on
irritating detours.