423 lines
9.7 KiB
Plaintext
423 lines
9.7 KiB
Plaintext
Do what keepeth thou from wilting
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shall be the loophole in the law.
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His directives have been discovered
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on supposedly blank audio tape and
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video cassetes, and one young
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SubGenius swears a speaking Dobbshead
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appeared to him on the video
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game, GORF.
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Some are convinced his "thermal
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sense" is so acute that he can look
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at a bed and see the 'heat outline'
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of someone who slept there days
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earlier.
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Another thing: although most American
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food IS dangerous to human life, and
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godawful radiations pour from every
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appliance and power-line, REMEMBER:
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SubGeniuses are mutants anyway.
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So how do you get a healthy,
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slackful outlook in the
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face of rampant ecohell?
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YOU PLUNGE INTO ECOHELL
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HEAD FIRST.
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But there is one medicine more
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powerful than all the contamination
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in New Jersey, and that medicine
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is SLACK.
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We eat the broccoli to gain its
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patience and virtue...We drink of
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the Hops and Grain to partake of
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their slow, slow yet wise Judgement
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and in return sacrifice to them
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our Coordination.
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Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
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Too much is always better
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than not enough.
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If you act like a dumbshit,
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they'll treat you as an equal.
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Science does not remove
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the terror of the gods.
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Dear Querant into the profundities
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of This Twisted Randomness We Call
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Reality: IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?
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The stupider it looks, the more
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important it probably is.
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"Bob" is the gun
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and you are the bullet.
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This religion is about
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the scary part.
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Don't just eat a hamburger...
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eat the HELL out of it.
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"BOB" DOES NOT MAKE PLANS, BUT
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HE POSSESSES A PLAN.
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And not just one plan. Many plans.
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Normal, rational, causational thinking
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confuses "Bob" and lowers him to human
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functioning. It is WRONG for "Bob".
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I'd rather be lucky than good ANY day.
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DO NOT QUESTION THE MEANING
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"BEHIND" THE PIPE.
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A SubGenius must be steadfast as the
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mighty amoeba and stray not one R.C.H.
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from the every-which-way Path o'"Bob."
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The Slack that can be described
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is not the true Slack.
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SLACK is neither created
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nor destroyed.
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If you don't have it,
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it's somewhere it
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shouldn't be.
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SLACK: a surge of uncorrupted
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gumption, an explosion of
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the "self" - not obliterating
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it, but BLOATING it.
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The only problem with enlightenment is
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if you THINK you got it,
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you DIDN'T GET IT.
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Thinking about perfection
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will only screw you up.
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Slack is not simply "Not Giving a Shit."
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It is more like "Giving a Shit FREELY."
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Fuck those who'd tell us what's "Good".
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Death makes you get off your ass.
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Cattle mutilations - Harbingers of the
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Aquarian Age or Hamburgers for Wotan??
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The key to your problems:
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The world IS against you.
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You are owed a living and every day
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should be payday.
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Blow off all Leave It To Beaver myths.
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The One Last Truest Law of SLACK:
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Slack comes first!
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Perhaps...sidestepping IS the issue.
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Patriot or Alien?
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Personal Saviour or False Prophet?
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Nurd or Hero?
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Inspired Madman or Complete Jackass?
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The sleep of reason begets monsters.
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..."Bob's" grin, while
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innocent-looking,
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also implies a
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hellish ultimate horror...
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"Larry" is the most Void of the Holy
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GrinTrinity, as opposed to "Moe" of the
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Left Brain and "Curly" of the Right.
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I weigh 666 pounds in zero gravity,
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COME AND GET ME!!!!!
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They say a godzillion is the highest
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number there is. Well, by God!
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I count to a godzillion and ONE!!
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The natural order of things is far
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too confusing to be accurately
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depicted using the
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street laws of Truth.
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Is this a message, a message from
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"BOB"? Or is this just some dumb
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meaningless Bobbie-dream?
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It took a genius to invent it but it
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only takes a monkey to detonate it.
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"Bob" sold it.
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I bought it.
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That settles it!
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1986: "Bob" prevents Halley's Comet
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(actually a space vampire-laden
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"cocoon")
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from destroying Earth.
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1982: Dobbs blackmails U.S. Gov't into
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admitting it lied about Vietnam,
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Nicaragua, etc. Public doesn't
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care. Nothing results.
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1984: Baboon heart accidentallly
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transplanted into human baby;
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it unexpectedly works.
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1989: A Dobbshead is found carved
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into a Martian crater by 1st
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manned Mars landing party.
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1990: Vatican moved to Mexico City.
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1991: Bulletproof robots run most
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convenience stores.
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1991: Disneyland converted to
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Open Murder Park.
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1993: American Indians also declare
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independence, take over North
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and South Dakotas. Successful
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enough to loan money to
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United States.
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1997: Living clones of Elvis, Hitler,
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Jimi Hendrix, and JFK lead
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mankind to finally crush
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forever the threat from the
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Hollow Earth (details unclear).
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Cut out the big Dobbshead, shellac
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it onto a fancy plaque, surround it
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with skulls, guns, swords, other
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meaningful knick-knacks, and
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PRESTO you have an ALTAR!
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DONATE BUCKS TO "BOB"! Spend like
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there's no tomorrow. There isn't.
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For most people, taking a "wind break"
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is hit or miss, lasting no more than
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a couple of seconds.
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Make religion a kick-ass adventure!
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Self-help through raising hell!
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Can't help but chuckle at
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International Crises?
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You'll laugh all the way to
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the fully equipped
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survival shelter when "Bob"
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lets you in on the
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REAL JOKE!
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CONTACT ALIENS - both benevolent
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AND evil. They reveal themselves
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to the worthy.
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Dobbstown is the best
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place to receive
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certified Acubeating,
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the Healing Art involving
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transferral of pain that
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some wits have dubbed
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"The Laying On of Sledgehammers."
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On that promised day, when
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the giant Pipe-shaped spaceship
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lands on the White House lawn,
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when that great hand comes down
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out of a hole in the clouds to
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lift us up, will YOU be aboard??
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If the Smoke from "Bob's"
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Pipe is no longer rising
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to Heaven, HOW CAN OUR
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PLANET STILL EXIST?
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"Bob" asks you to give up
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only your wallet, and a
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relatively insignificant
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portion of your mind.
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The Conspiracy wants you
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to GIVE UP, PERIOD.
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For we, too, have an "Eye,"
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and that Eye is
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"Bob." He is the telephone
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by which Man can
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harass the very gods.
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He can 'apport' objects -that is,
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expel impossible things
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spontaneously from his mouth or
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other openings. He once terrified
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a diplomat's wife by apporting a
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great pile of Pipes out onto her bed.
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Some say he emits 'chirps'
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in the dark to help
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find his way around
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by an echolocation sense
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similar to a bat's.
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Wielding the Laser
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Finger of Unrelenting
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Humiliation in a
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zeal-fevered studlust of
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territorial sexhurt domination!!
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THEY are the ones who brought
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this Buck Rogers monstrosity of
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microchips and inflation, nothing
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makes sense anymore and everything
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costs too much, the weather is weird,
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WHY DID THEY DO IT?
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This planet will be
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sold down the river as sure
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as Lee Harvey Oswald's
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clone cashed the
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Conspiracy's checks!
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WHERE is the blood on DOBBS'S
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head? His head is utterly healed,
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not a rent, not a contusion...he's
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JUST a Head, with a Pipe, I mean,
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how do you know if he's even got
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a DICK?
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After the Pelting of the Pastor
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with Coin, the Pastor should
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preach a Waiver of Blame; all
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Members agree as loudly as possible
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that they are not "guilty" of anything,
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or if they are, that they are
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PROUD of it.
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We keep getting these HINTS.
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Little integrated Hints of
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meaning that are much more
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fun than the longer hours of
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non-meaning. Hints that
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THE WORLD OWES US A LIVING.
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Our minds are too WELL-WORN,
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too SMUDGED and STAINED to be
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completely washed by their
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insidious "mind-cleaning"
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techniques.
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"Bob" can handle the aliens
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but we must police ourselves.
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Slack is like freedom, but
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unlike freedom it brings no
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responsibility.
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Isn't there an easier way?
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We need answers we can reach
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safely, at home, in our spare
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time.
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False Work, done only for money,
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without fun, is a SIN against
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YOU ALMIGHTY (unless it's a
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LOT of money).
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Slack is a QUEST.
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THESE are the REAL issues:
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Man, God, the Amoeba, DNA,
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Sex, and a Truly GOOD
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Hamburger.
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We don't know if there
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really are quarks, whereas
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here we have proof of the
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"BOB" Particle.
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It's "Bob." "Bob" is the TRUE
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Mind Storm, the GODLY Lobe
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Explosion in your skull.
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But...how can we know the
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Goodness of Heaven lest we have,
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for comparison, vomited in the
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porcelain bowls of hell?
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The other partner may be a
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"Slack Vampire," draining it away
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with endless demands. It is so hard
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to change a Slack Vampire that the
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person in this situation is advised
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to "Give Up". Call it quits.
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It's a cinch the government
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won't support the elderly
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much longer.
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Sodom and Gomorrah were nuked
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by angels for not being
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perverted ENOUGH, and Knossos
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was microwaved for NO REASON
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AT ALL.
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The crudest ones drag people into
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their saucers and hypnotize them.
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WOTAN may have some pretty vile
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plans but at least they don't
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include permanent mummification
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of our life-spirits so that
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loathsome elementals can lay EGGS
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in our bodies.
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You can forget Spielberg's "cute"
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extraterrestrials." There ARE some
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of those but they're in the same
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boat we are.
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Technoboredom manifests itself in
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the subliminal-reality areas of the
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frontal lobes of the brain and causes
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the person afflicted to garner
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intense satisfaction from
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commercial inanity.
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We've been wrong about two major
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things. Our leaders DON'T "mean
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well," and they AREN'T stupid.
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There were originally eight days
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in the week. The eighth was Hellesday,
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when evil beings reigned supreme...
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like Halloween and April Fool's Day
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all in one. The day you fucked up on...
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The One-World Religion foretold in
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ALL BIBLES is here TODAY and you can
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NOW CASH IN on it's RELENTLESS ERUPTION.
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Going without "Bob's" word is like
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taking a long journey without a map.
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You'll backtrack, wander aimlessly,
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go over rough, bumpy roads on
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irritating detours.
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