87 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
87 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
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.:::::. .::::::::.
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...:::::::::.. ::::::::::::
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..:::::::::::::::::.. ::::: ::::
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.::: ::::::: :::. :::::. :
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:: ::::: :: :::::::.
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: ::: : :::::::::.
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::: ::::::::
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::: :::::
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::::: oxic :::......:::: hock
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presents
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Cat Music
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by
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Bloody Afterbirth
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Toxic File #34
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!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@
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While listening to some Slayer (Reign in Blood if you're interested) the
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other day, I had this wonderfully terrible idea about how to make music..
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With CATS! I can't stand the little fuckers, but I think I can learn to like
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the damn things now... Read on.
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*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&
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We all have a little bit of musician in us. At least, all of the males
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of the species do, and since we're superious, we're all that matters. Well,
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not all of us can afford to buy a jammin' keyboard or a bad ass gee-tarrr, or
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a harmonica or... OR.. Not all of us WANT one of the above.
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Well.. For all of you headbangers out there, there is NOW an alternative
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to expensive instruments. CATS! Yes! These fur balls are cheap ("Free To
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Good Owner", you can act good for a LITTLE while cancha?), and they can make
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the most wonderful sounds. . . Yer parents ever say you listen to Cat
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Strangling music? Wellllll...They have the idea!
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Yes! Go round up 7 cats. Not kittens, they're no good, you need full
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grown cats, preferably female. All females should be used and abused, not
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just the human bitches. Ok. Now, you go get a 2" by 8" piece of wood, about
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3 foot long. Strap the cats to the board, side by side. You will also need a
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rubber mallet.
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Have all that? Good! Now.. The 7 cats correspond, obviously, to the
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notes you can hit. Want a note? Hit a cat! From the left, the notes are
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C-D-E-F-G-A-B, same with the damn cats. Want to play some music? Ok...
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Slam the mallet into the cat's back! A somewhat hard hit will give you
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the "middle octave". Hit 'em softer and you'll go down in octave, knock the
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hell out of them and you can increase the octave. That's the simple part.
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After a few hours of banging on the Feline Xylophone, you might want to
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learn new tricks. Know the way guitarists can make their guitars screech,
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using the bar? Welllll.. YANK on a tail of a cat and your screech will be
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better than any guitar can ever be. The harder you do it, the higher the
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screech goes. (Pitch bending works the same way)
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Need a vibrato effect? Hold the cat's head with one hand, slam the
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mallet into it with the other, and then shake the hell out of its head..
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Vibrato!
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Need the notes to sustain? When you hit the cat, push down on it and
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force the air out of its lungs, it will carry the note for a long time, and
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sounds pretty cool, too.
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The harder and faster you hit, the better it'll sound. If you get really
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good, like I am, you can do Slayer so good that not even THEY could tell the
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difference!
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(c) 1989 Toxic Shock
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The Followers Of Fetus
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Bloody Afterbirth
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Fetal Juice
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Gross Genitalia
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and some another dude.
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