87 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
87 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
|
|
.
|
|
.:::::. .::::::::.
|
|
...:::::::::.. ::::::::::::
|
|
..:::::::::::::::::.. ::::: ::::
|
|
.::: ::::::: :::. :::::. :
|
|
:: ::::: :: :::::::.
|
|
: ::: : :::::::::.
|
|
::: ::::::::
|
|
::: :::::
|
|
::::: : ::::
|
|
::::: oxic :::......:::: hock
|
|
.:::::::. :::::::::::
|
|
::::::::::: :::::::::
|
|
|
|
presents
|
|
|
|
Cat Music
|
|
|
|
by
|
|
|
|
Bloody Afterbirth
|
|
|
|
Toxic File #34
|
|
|
|
!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@
|
|
|
|
While listening to some Slayer (Reign in Blood if you're interested) the
|
|
other day, I had this wonderfully terrible idea about how to make music..
|
|
With CATS! I can't stand the little fuckers, but I think I can learn to like
|
|
the damn things now... Read on.
|
|
|
|
*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&
|
|
|
|
We all have a little bit of musician in us. At least, all of the males
|
|
of the species do, and since we're superious, we're all that matters. Well,
|
|
not all of us can afford to buy a jammin' keyboard or a bad ass gee-tarrr, or
|
|
a harmonica or... OR.. Not all of us WANT one of the above.
|
|
Well.. For all of you headbangers out there, there is NOW an alternative
|
|
to expensive instruments. CATS! Yes! These fur balls are cheap ("Free To
|
|
Good Owner", you can act good for a LITTLE while cancha?), and they can make
|
|
the most wonderful sounds. . . Yer parents ever say you listen to Cat
|
|
Strangling music? Wellllll...They have the idea!
|
|
|
|
Yes! Go round up 7 cats. Not kittens, they're no good, you need full
|
|
grown cats, preferably female. All females should be used and abused, not
|
|
just the human bitches. Ok. Now, you go get a 2" by 8" piece of wood, about
|
|
3 foot long. Strap the cats to the board, side by side. You will also need a
|
|
rubber mallet.
|
|
|
|
Have all that? Good! Now.. The 7 cats correspond, obviously, to the
|
|
notes you can hit. Want a note? Hit a cat! From the left, the notes are
|
|
C-D-E-F-G-A-B, same with the damn cats. Want to play some music? Ok...
|
|
|
|
Slam the mallet into the cat's back! A somewhat hard hit will give you
|
|
the "middle octave". Hit 'em softer and you'll go down in octave, knock the
|
|
hell out of them and you can increase the octave. That's the simple part.
|
|
|
|
After a few hours of banging on the Feline Xylophone, you might want to
|
|
learn new tricks. Know the way guitarists can make their guitars screech,
|
|
using the bar? Welllll.. YANK on a tail of a cat and your screech will be
|
|
better than any guitar can ever be. The harder you do it, the higher the
|
|
screech goes. (Pitch bending works the same way)
|
|
|
|
Need a vibrato effect? Hold the cat's head with one hand, slam the
|
|
mallet into it with the other, and then shake the hell out of its head..
|
|
Vibrato!
|
|
|
|
Need the notes to sustain? When you hit the cat, push down on it and
|
|
force the air out of its lungs, it will carry the note for a long time, and
|
|
sounds pretty cool, too.
|
|
|
|
The harder and faster you hit, the better it'll sound. If you get really
|
|
good, like I am, you can do Slayer so good that not even THEY could tell the
|
|
difference!
|
|
|
|
(c) 1989 Toxic Shock
|
|
|
|
The Followers Of Fetus
|
|
Bloody Afterbirth
|
|
Fetal Juice
|
|
Gross Genitalia
|
|
and some another dude.
|
|
|
|
|