textfiles/magazines/BLAH/blah-040.txt

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    File        <20><><EFBFBD>    <20>        <20><>   <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>        Written March 23th, 1993
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                         Presents
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                "The Great Phreak Conspiracy"
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                          Lemuel       
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     It's a famous story in the Computer Underground:  In the mid-1960s
Cap'n Crunch breakfast cereal "accidentally" gave out 2600Hz whistles as
a "promotion," instantly introducing a generation of phone phreaks to
easy blue boxing and giving John Drapier his now-infamous psuedonym.  However,
when one does more research, it becomes apparent that this is, in fact,
part of a larger conspiracy to provide assistance to phone phreaks
everywhere.  Some incidents previously suppressed by the media involving
food products include the following strange events:
     
     o    As early as 1943 canisters of Quaker Oats were discovered which
          contained packets of the Icelandic five aurak coin, ostensibly
          for numismatic purposes.  A helpful note on the package reminded
          kids that "five aurak coins not only help teach you about money
          and the different cultures of the world, but they can also be
          used in pay phones in place of dimes."  Wilfred Brimley could not
          be reached for comment.

     o    In 1955 a young New Jersey boy was seriously injured after
          playing with a device given away free in boxes of Malt O'Meal:
          a urine box.  Apparently he had dialed the local ringback and
          set the dial to "kill," thinking that it was just a joke.
          His parents threatened to sue the company, but settled out
          of court for an undisclosed sum not before BellCo had secured
          a promise from them to keep quiet.

     o    In 1960 a Swanson's frozen dinner consumed by an Ohio housewife
          allegedly contained a salisbury steak branded with a strange
          ten-digit number.  After several days of pondering this mystery
          her husband suggested that it might be a phone number; quickly
          calling it up, she found to her surprise that it was a prototype
          Bell REMOB line.  Other purchasers of Swanson's dinners around
          this time reported finding "a piece of chicken stamped with the
          President's private phone number," "a clump of mixed vegetables
          who's corn spelled out a local PBX indial," and "a brussel
          sprout that looked remarkably like Elvis."

     o    A 1976 promotion by Kellogg's Honey Smacks involved a free
          giveaway of a lineman's test set in every box of cereal.
          While strange in itself, even more strange were the cartoon
          panels on the back of the box which showed kids how to
          "have hours of fun playing 'let's find the junction box'."
          A recall was ordered because of public outcry stemming from the 
          horrible deaths of several young children who electrocuted
          themselves after tapping into power relays.

     o    In 1981 a man who choses to remain anonymous discovered an
          AT&T calling card sandwiched between two strawberry Pop-Tarts
          he was about to toast.  He quickly called AT&T, who insisted
          that they had no such card number on record.  Later that day
          the man called a relative in Germany from a pay phone using
          the card and discovered that it was, in fact, valid.  To this
          day it still works without a hitch.  Who is picking up the
          bill?

     o    In 1984 Fruit Loops gave away a free 6.5536MHz crystal in every
          box of it's colorful, sugary breakfast cereal.  This may be
          dismissed as coincidence, but consider that a small coupon on a
          side panel offered:  "Free Radio Shack Thirty-Three Number Memory
          Pocket Tone Dialer!  Send this coupon and thirty UPC symbols..."

     o    In 1988 boxes of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes were distributed with
          small electronic devices of unknown origin and function.  On
          the rear panel Tony the Tiger was shown with one "King Blotto"
          discussing how you should "show Ma Bell you're a tiger" and
          connect the device to a phone and an electrical outlet and
          "make all of the phones blow up."  Strangely enough, the first
          boxes containing this promotion were distributed in New York
          only days before AT&T suffered a massive failure of it's long 
          distance network...

     o    Later that same year a box of Count Chocula was found by a
          young hacker in Seattle which had a UPC code mysteriously
          corresponding to the unlisted phone number of the 206 CNA office.
          Other boxes were later found to have bar codes which were actually
          numbers to PBXs, 800 extenders, and Northwestern Bell UNIX systems.
          A shocked mother in Bellview discovered that the bar code on her
          son's box of Frankenberry exactly matched her AT&T calling card
          number and PIN.  Pure chance?  Unlikely.

     o    More ominously, a Chicago-area hacker recently discovered a
          "professionally-made" FM bug in a package of Jimmy Dean Country
          Sausage.
     

     After hearing of this incident it dawned upon me that breakfast cereals
might just be the tip of the iceberg.  Using my "inside connections" I was
able to gain access to a recently declassified CIA docket including the
following information:

     o    According one document in the file, on May 17, 1990 a 23-year-old
          shopkeeper living in Bombay, India bit into a "small,
          metallic object" while enjoying some vegetable chutney.  This
          object was later discovered to be "a critical junction element
          from an ESS7 switching system."  But how did it get into his
          chutney?

     o    A second case is cited in which a Japanese businessman nearly
          choked on "a piece of cardboard" embedded in a rice cake.  After
          closer examination, the cardboard turned out to be a Southwestern
          Bell ID badge from a lineman who had disappeared on a fishing
          trip six months earlier under "unexplained circumstances."

     o    As revealed in the stolen logs of a team of Swiss archaeologists
          excavating a tomb found near Luxor, Egypt in 1958, an ancient
          bias-relief found in the tomb's antechamber depicts "a strange
          Latin figure wearing a long cape and carrying a notched staff
          or cane" presenting the Pharoh with what appears to be a cellular
          (or, perhaps, cordless) phone.  Small clay models of similar
          phones were found in other parts of the tomb, apparently
          included with the mummy to insure that the Pharoh would
          (as one Hieroglyphics expert later translated) "remain in
          contact with his concubines during his journey to the spirit
          world."
          
          The tomb was plowed over in the late 1970s by the Egyptian
          government to supposedly provide space for a new tourist hotel
          (which was never actually built); one confidential inside source
          referred to only as "Mr. James Blackwell of 1583 Trent Ave.,
          Parma, Ohio" stated that this was actually a coverup at the
          behest of certain "key cellular carriers."  Mr. Blackwell claimed
          to posess a document showing secret money transfers from Motorola 
          executives to high-ranking Egyptian officials via the National
          Bank of Yemen, but the papers were destroyed in an unexplained
          house fire which also killed Mr. Blackwell.

     o    Another document, much of which was still blacked-out for
          security reasons, was allegedly uncovered in newly-unsealed
          KGB archives.  It includes interviews with Russian peasants
          living near the site of the 1908 Tungusta Blast, who claim to
          have discovered charred fragments of COSMOS manuals, circuit
          boards, and "red-, green-, yellow-, and black-coated wires"
          while plowing their fields during the months following the 
          infamous explosion.

     o    Scrawled notes from an unnamed Scottish businessman written
          shortly before his sudden illness and death in the 1920s reveal
          that, only minutes before it's destruction by the U.S.
          government, the Lusitania had encountered "the seaweed-encrusted
          spires of a magnificent city, barely piercing the ocean's surface --
          none other than the reminants of the lost city of Atlantis.  Dual
          tones were heard coming from one the _______ [illegible], and
          after a short time a short warbling tone was heard several times
          intersperced with longer pauses."  Could this be evidence that
          the ancients had Touch-Tone(tm) service?

     o    A torn page from an unknown Medieval manuscript was stuffed in
          the docket.  The page recounted that some time during the
          15th century English farmers reported to local monks that 
          "Hatts of an Unknowne Materiel felle from the Sky like Raine.
          These Hatts were of a White Manner and did bear the Simbole of
          a Church Bell inscribed within a Circle, bothe of the Colour
          Blaue."

     o    Recent excavations near C<>diz, Spain have uncovered a series of
          ancient Phoenician clay tablets which puportedly speak of
          a device which "sings the 10,000th forbidden name of Muaba'el
          into the Spirit Device of the Elders, giving those learned in
          the true and ancient ways unlimited free access to 'the network.'"
          Other inscriptions, tables of seemingly unreleated numbers,
          have recently been determined to correspond to MCI rate tables
          for the Friends and Family plan.  A third tablet, though badly
          damaged, has been determined to be part of an area code map of the
          United States, *including area code splits which have yet to be
          publically announced*!

          Similar cryptic writings have been found carved into the
          base of the Sphynx, painted into murals on several buildings
          at Pompeii, illuminated on scrolls found in the forgotten 
          corners of isolated Tibetian monastaries, inscribed on sacred
          stones recovered from ancient Celtic burial mounds, and chiseled
          into the stonework of the the High Priest's inner sanctum at
          the Incan holy city of Tiwanaku.  Prehistoric cave paintings in
          rural France show, in addition to the usual horses and bison, a
          large structure bearing a striking resemblance to a microwave relay
          tower; however before more studies could be made of the paintings
          MCI bought the property and quickly sealed it to outside
          researchers.

     o    Highly-detailed telephone cabling maps have been uncovered in
          the British Museum in London, the Biblioth<74>que Nationale in
          Paris, the Vatican's Z collection, and, of course,
          the Miskatonic University library in Arkham, Massachusetts.
          (How do they get all of these rare books, anyway?).  Many of
          these maps are centuries old, some predating the development
          of the printing press.  How did such uncannily accurate maps
          end up in the hands of unknown European cartographers of old?

     
     Are we at BLaH the first to notice this disturbing pattern?  No.  A
diary entry made by Syd Barrett in mid-1967 noted that he was "very close
to unravelling this massive phone phreak conspiracy."  Unfortunately, all
subsequent entries are filled with meaningless ranting and disjointed
ramblings about Battle Creek, Michigan.  As a side note, MI5 records from
the same date make occational references to LSD and a cryptic "Operation:
Madcap," about which nothing is known.  Other records which may hold the
key to this clandestine operation were sealed by order of the Queen until
the year 2050.)

     Well folks, clearly there can only be one force behind this eons-old 
plot: yes, it's the 5<><35><EFBFBD>$<24><>f]x^<5E>_`

NO CARRIER

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