237 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
237 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü
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ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý
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Ý Û Ý Ý Ý
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BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý
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File ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ Written March 23th, 1993
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#040 Ý Ýig Ýong ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý Ýairy
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Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý
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ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ
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Presents
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Ú ÄÄ ¿
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"The Great Phreak Conspiracy"
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³ by ³
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Lemuel
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À ÄÄ Ù
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It's a famous story in the Computer Underground: In the mid-1960s
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Cap'n Crunch breakfast cereal "accidentally" gave out 2600Hz whistles as
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a "promotion," instantly introducing a generation of phone phreaks to
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easy blue boxing and giving John Drapier his now-infamous psuedonym. However,
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when one does more research, it becomes apparent that this is, in fact,
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part of a larger conspiracy to provide assistance to phone phreaks
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everywhere. Some incidents previously suppressed by the media involving
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food products include the following strange events:
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o As early as 1943 canisters of Quaker Oats were discovered which
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contained packets of the Icelandic five aurak coin, ostensibly
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for numismatic purposes. A helpful note on the package reminded
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kids that "five aurak coins not only help teach you about money
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and the different cultures of the world, but they can also be
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used in pay phones in place of dimes." Wilfred Brimley could not
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be reached for comment.
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o In 1955 a young New Jersey boy was seriously injured after
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playing with a device given away free in boxes of Malt O'Meal:
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a urine box. Apparently he had dialed the local ringback and
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set the dial to "kill," thinking that it was just a joke.
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His parents threatened to sue the company, but settled out
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of court for an undisclosed sum not before BellCo had secured
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a promise from them to keep quiet.
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o In 1960 a Swanson's frozen dinner consumed by an Ohio housewife
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allegedly contained a salisbury steak branded with a strange
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ten-digit number. After several days of pondering this mystery
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her husband suggested that it might be a phone number; quickly
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calling it up, she found to her surprise that it was a prototype
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Bell REMOB line. Other purchasers of Swanson's dinners around
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this time reported finding "a piece of chicken stamped with the
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President's private phone number," "a clump of mixed vegetables
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who's corn spelled out a local PBX indial," and "a brussel
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sprout that looked remarkably like Elvis."
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o A 1976 promotion by Kellogg's Honey Smacks involved a free
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giveaway of a lineman's test set in every box of cereal.
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While strange in itself, even more strange were the cartoon
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panels on the back of the box which showed kids how to
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"have hours of fun playing 'let's find the junction box'."
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A recall was ordered because of public outcry stemming from the
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horrible deaths of several young children who electrocuted
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themselves after tapping into power relays.
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o In 1981 a man who choses to remain anonymous discovered an
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AT&T calling card sandwiched between two strawberry Pop-Tarts
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he was about to toast. He quickly called AT&T, who insisted
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that they had no such card number on record. Later that day
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the man called a relative in Germany from a pay phone using
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the card and discovered that it was, in fact, valid. To this
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day it still works without a hitch. Who is picking up the
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bill?
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o In 1984 Fruit Loops gave away a free 6.5536MHz crystal in every
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box of it's colorful, sugary breakfast cereal. This may be
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dismissed as coincidence, but consider that a small coupon on a
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side panel offered: "Free Radio Shack Thirty-Three Number Memory
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Pocket Tone Dialer! Send this coupon and thirty UPC symbols..."
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o In 1988 boxes of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes were distributed with
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small electronic devices of unknown origin and function. On
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the rear panel Tony the Tiger was shown with one "King Blotto"
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discussing how you should "show Ma Bell you're a tiger" and
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connect the device to a phone and an electrical outlet and
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"make all of the phones blow up." Strangely enough, the first
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boxes containing this promotion were distributed in New York
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only days before AT&T suffered a massive failure of it's long
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distance network...
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o Later that same year a box of Count Chocula was found by a
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young hacker in Seattle which had a UPC code mysteriously
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corresponding to the unlisted phone number of the 206 CNA office.
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Other boxes were later found to have bar codes which were actually
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numbers to PBXs, 800 extenders, and Northwestern Bell UNIX systems.
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A shocked mother in Bellview discovered that the bar code on her
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son's box of Frankenberry exactly matched her AT&T calling card
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number and PIN. Pure chance? Unlikely.
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o More ominously, a Chicago-area hacker recently discovered a
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"professionally-made" FM bug in a package of Jimmy Dean Country
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Sausage.
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After hearing of this incident it dawned upon me that breakfast cereals
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might just be the tip of the iceberg. Using my "inside connections" I was
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able to gain access to a recently declassified CIA docket including the
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following information:
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o According one document in the file, on May 17, 1990 a 23-year-old
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shopkeeper living in Bombay, India bit into a "small,
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metallic object" while enjoying some vegetable chutney. This
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object was later discovered to be "a critical junction element
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from an ESS7 switching system." But how did it get into his
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chutney?
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o A second case is cited in which a Japanese businessman nearly
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choked on "a piece of cardboard" embedded in a rice cake. After
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closer examination, the cardboard turned out to be a Southwestern
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Bell ID badge from a lineman who had disappeared on a fishing
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trip six months earlier under "unexplained circumstances."
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o As revealed in the stolen logs of a team of Swiss archaeologists
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excavating a tomb found near Luxor, Egypt in 1958, an ancient
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bias-relief found in the tomb's antechamber depicts "a strange
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Latin figure wearing a long cape and carrying a notched staff
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or cane" presenting the Pharoh with what appears to be a cellular
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(or, perhaps, cordless) phone. Small clay models of similar
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phones were found in other parts of the tomb, apparently
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included with the mummy to insure that the Pharoh would
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(as one Hieroglyphics expert later translated) "remain in
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contact with his concubines during his journey to the spirit
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world."
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The tomb was plowed over in the late 1970s by the Egyptian
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government to supposedly provide space for a new tourist hotel
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(which was never actually built); one confidential inside source
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referred to only as "Mr. James Blackwell of 1583 Trent Ave.,
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Parma, Ohio" stated that this was actually a coverup at the
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behest of certain "key cellular carriers." Mr. Blackwell claimed
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to posess a document showing secret money transfers from Motorola
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executives to high-ranking Egyptian officials via the National
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Bank of Yemen, but the papers were destroyed in an unexplained
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house fire which also killed Mr. Blackwell.
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o Another document, much of which was still blacked-out for
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security reasons, was allegedly uncovered in newly-unsealed
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KGB archives. It includes interviews with Russian peasants
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living near the site of the 1908 Tungusta Blast, who claim to
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have discovered charred fragments of COSMOS manuals, circuit
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boards, and "red-, green-, yellow-, and black-coated wires"
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while plowing their fields during the months following the
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infamous explosion.
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o Scrawled notes from an unnamed Scottish businessman written
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shortly before his sudden illness and death in the 1920s reveal
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that, only minutes before it's destruction by the U.S.
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government, the Lusitania had encountered "the seaweed-encrusted
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spires of a magnificent city, barely piercing the ocean's surface --
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none other than the reminants of the lost city of Atlantis. Dual
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tones were heard coming from one the _______ [illegible], and
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after a short time a short warbling tone was heard several times
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intersperced with longer pauses." Could this be evidence that
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the ancients had Touch-Tone(tm) service?
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o A torn page from an unknown Medieval manuscript was stuffed in
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the docket. The page recounted that some time during the
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15th century English farmers reported to local monks that
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"Hatts of an Unknowne Materiel felle from the Sky like Raine.
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These Hatts were of a White Manner and did bear the Simbole of
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a Church Bell inscribed within a Circle, bothe of the Colour
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Blaue."
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o Recent excavations near C diz, Spain have uncovered a series of
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ancient Phoenician clay tablets which puportedly speak of
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a device which "sings the 10,000th forbidden name of Muaba'el
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into the Spirit Device of the Elders, giving those learned in
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the true and ancient ways unlimited free access to 'the network.'"
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Other inscriptions, tables of seemingly unreleated numbers,
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have recently been determined to correspond to MCI rate tables
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for the Friends and Family plan. A third tablet, though badly
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damaged, has been determined to be part of an area code map of the
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United States, *including area code splits which have yet to be
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publically announced*!
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Similar cryptic writings have been found carved into the
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base of the Sphynx, painted into murals on several buildings
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at Pompeii, illuminated on scrolls found in the forgotten
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corners of isolated Tibetian monastaries, inscribed on sacred
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stones recovered from ancient Celtic burial mounds, and chiseled
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into the stonework of the the High Priest's inner sanctum at
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the Incan holy city of Tiwanaku. Prehistoric cave paintings in
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rural France show, in addition to the usual horses and bison, a
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large structure bearing a striking resemblance to a microwave relay
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tower; however before more studies could be made of the paintings
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MCI bought the property and quickly sealed it to outside
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researchers.
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o Highly-detailed telephone cabling maps have been uncovered in
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the British Museum in London, the Biblioth‚que Nationale in
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Paris, the Vatican's Z collection, and, of course,
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the Miskatonic University library in Arkham, Massachusetts.
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(How do they get all of these rare books, anyway?). Many of
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these maps are centuries old, some predating the development
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of the printing press. How did such uncannily accurate maps
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end up in the hands of unknown European cartographers of old?
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Are we at BLaH the first to notice this disturbing pattern? No. A
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diary entry made by Syd Barrett in mid-1967 noted that he was "very close
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to unravelling this massive phone phreak conspiracy." Unfortunately, all
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subsequent entries are filled with meaningless ranting and disjointed
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ramblings about Battle Creek, Michigan. As a side note, MI5 records from
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the same date make occational references to LSD and a cryptic "Operation:
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Madcap," about which nothing is known. Other records which may hold the
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key to this clandestine operation were sealed by order of the Queen until
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the year 2050.)
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Well folks, clearly there can only be one force behind this eons-old
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plot: yes, it's the 5Ìþ·$¯¾f]x^ò_`
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NO CARRIER
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{---End Of File. But that's not really.. what I am---}
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"Welcome my son, Welcome to the Latrine.."
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BLaH <sigh>ts
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The Battle Of Evermore <312>476-1508
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The Obloid Sphere <708>965-3098
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Nun-Beaters Anonymous <708>251-5094
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He's the sun god, and he's the fun god, and he's the ONE god...
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{--They know EVERYTHING...---}
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