textfiles/humor/JOKES/joking16.jok

Q:  Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
A:  If it had four, it would be a sedan.

                           A I R L I N E  J O K E S
===============================================================================
 AA (American Airlines) - Always Awful
 AI (Air India)         - Allah Informed
 ALITALIA               - Always Late In Takeoff Always Late In Arrival
                        - Air Line In Tokyo And Luggage In Amsterdam
 BOAC (British Overseas Airways Corp.) - Better On A Camel
                        - Bloody Old and Careless
 CA (China Airlines)    - Choose Another
 CAAC (Chinese Avation Airl.Comp.) - Chinese Airline Always Canceled
 (Civil Aviation Authority of China ?) - China Airlines Almost (Always) Crashes
 CPA (Canadian Airl.Intl.) - Can't Promise Anything
     (New code CAI)     - Crash And Ignite
                        - Call Ambulance Immediately
                        - Circle Airport Indefinitely
                        - Cruise Above Iceland
                        - Cancel Alaskan Itinerary
                        - Call Attendants "Idiots"
                        - Check All Items
                        - Copilots Are Imbeciles
                        - Casual Atmosphere Inside
 DELTA                  - Don't Even Leave The Airport
                        - Don't Ever Leave The Airport
                        - Don't Even Let Them Aboard (referring to the arabs ?)
                        - Departing Even Later Than Anticipated
 EAL (Eastern)          - Eastern's Always Late
 ELAL                   - Every Landing Always Late
 JAT (Yugoslav Airlines)- Joke About Time
 LOT (Polish Airlines)  - Last One There
                        - Luggage On Tarmack (wave 'bye!)
 LUFTHANSA              - Let Us Fuck The Horses, Are No Stewardesses Available
 PA (Philippine Airways)- Please Avoid
 PAL (Phil. Airlines)   - Philippines Always Late
 PAN AM                 - Plan On Arriving Nervewracked And Mad
 PIA (Pakistan Intl.Airl) - Please Inform Allah
                        - Panic In Air
                        - Perhaps I Arrive
 QANTAS                 - Queer And Nasty Types As Stewards
 SABENA (Belgium)       - Such A Bloody Experience, Never Again
                        - Such A Bad Experience, Never Again
 SAHSA (Servicio Aero Honduras SA) - Stay At Home, Stay Alive
 SAS (Scandinavian Airl. System) - Sweet And Sexy
                        - Sex And Service
 SIA (Singapore Intl.Airl.) - So Incredible, Aah
 TACA                   - Take A Chance Airline
 TAP (Portuguese Airl.) - Take Another Plane
 TWA (Transworld Airl.) - Travel Without Arrival
                        - Try Walking, Asshole
                        - Try Walking Again
                        - The Worst Airline
                        - Took Wrong Airline
                        - Try Walking Across (transatlantic perspective)
                        - Travel With Arabs
                        - Terrorist Welcome Aboard 
                        - Terrorists With Arms
                        - Teenie Weenie Airlines
                        - Traveling Without Air
                        - Tiny Wings Aflappin'!!!!!
 USAir                  - Unfortunately, Still Alleghany In Reality

SOUNDALIKES:
============
            Aer Lingus               Aer Fungus,
            Aeroperu                 Aeroperhaps
            Air Afrique              Air Freak(out)
            Air Canada               Err Canada  (as in "To err is human...") 
            Air France               Air Chance
            Air Wisconsin            Scare Wisconsin
            Alleghany Air            Agony Air (USAir since many years)
            British Airways          Brutish Airways
                                     Brutish Scareways
            Cascade Airways          Crashcade Scareways
            Continental              Contemptible
            Lufthansa                Lusthansa
            Midwest Express          Midwest Excess (True, but worth it)
            Mohawk                   Slowhawk
            Northwest                Northworst
                                     Northwaste
            People Express           CattleCar Express
                                     People Distress
                                     People Compress
            Piedmont                 Piedmonster (merged with USAir)
            QuebecAir                Quick Air
            TWA                      TightWad Airlines
            United                   Untied
            US Air                   Useless Air
                                     US Scare
                                     YouSAir
                                     USAirheads

OTHERS:
=======
Delta      "We love to fly and it's close"
           "We love to show our flies"
Eastern    Who?
Mexicana   Where being Late is Fashionable

The Canonical List of Telephone Answering Machine Messages

"Hi!  I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and
         number, I'll call you back when I am..."  *beep*
----------------------------------------------------
"You've reached the B&D hotline.  All our operators are tied-up right now,
so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions and bark like a dog,
we'll get right back to you with your penance."
----------------------------------------------------
(1) "Hello, this is Ron.  (pause)   Hello?   Hello!!?    Nah, just
kidding.  This is an answering machine. (etc.)"

(2) "Hello, this is Ron.  I'm not home right now, but I can take a
message.  Hang on a second while I get a pencil."  (background noise -
open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.)  "OK, what would you like me
to tell me?"

Also, something you might do after you've had the machine for a few
months is start answering in person with "Hello, this is a live
voice."  (Variation on a theme by "The Cosby Show".)  Or you could try
answering your own phone with "Hello, is Ron there?"
----------------------------------------------------
"We are unable to come to the phone right now.  At the tone, please
leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express
account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval."
----------------------------------------------------
"You have reached the <city>,<state> Strategic Air Command Nuclear
Missle Storage Facility.  We are unable to come to the phone right
now.  At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of
targets and we'll launch as soon as we can.  And have a nice day."
----------------------------------------------------
     "Hello?" <pause for a few seconds> "Sorry, he's not here right now,
but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you."
----------------------------------------------------
     "Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you
leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can."
----------------------------------------------------
[imitating Ensign Chekov]
"Oh, sair...it was *Khan*!  He made us say things...do things...he
kept us from answering the phone!  But Keptin was strong, and if you
leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as
he can!"  <BEEP>
----------------------------------------------------
[imitating Mr. Rogers]
"Hello.  I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone.
Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?
Sure...I knew you could." <BEEP>
----------------------------------------------------
Steve:  Hello.  Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
Matt:  Steve, what are you doing?
Steve:  I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt:  But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve:  No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt:  No, you're incorrect.  It's definitely my turn.
Steve:  You fool.  I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing
	with that frying pan?!?
  BONK [really loud thud]
Matt:  Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
----------------------------------------------------
"Hello.  I'm David's answering machine.  What are you?"
----------------------------------------------------
	"This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment,
please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking)
Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."
----------------------------------------------------
	"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"
----------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while
the STAR TREK theme plays in the background.
     1:  Room 17, the final frontier.
     2:  These are the messages of Chad's answering machine.  Its 2 semester
         mission:  to seek out your name and your telepohne number.
     3:  To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
----------------------------------------------------
(Annoying flute music in background)
Good day, Jim.  Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name,number, and  
a brief message at the tone.  This tape will self-destruct
in thirty seconds.
Good Luck, Jim.
----------------------------------------------------
"Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right
now, but if you leave your name ...", etc.
----------------------------------------------------
"Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone
right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll
have him call you back as soon as he gets away.  Read all about it in
next week's National Enquirer."
----------------------------------------------------
In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music
<In a soft voice> Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession.
At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get
back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. <Beep>
----------------------------------------------------
	Hi this is <name>. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
	Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.
----------------------------------------------------
A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for
beer, he changed her answering machine message.  In a loud, deep, gravely,
horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING
BETTER."
----------------------------------------------------
     I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather
reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call
first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the  
phone with:
    " Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking."
    " Hartland home for lost whores."  (that was Hartland CG)    " Da, zis iz  
Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
    " Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct:
T        minusone minute and counting"
     And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of  
the
local take-out.  With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with that  
phone.
     "Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please?  -- Captain, there  
is
a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?"
(silence...click)
     "Vancouver coastguard, may I help you."  British long distance rates are
phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had  
managed
to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.
----------------------------------------------------
<Phone Rings>
Noisy pick-up of phone
Uh...<wisperingly> Hello?
Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine.
If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige
where he'll see it.  Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live?
----------------------------------------------------
But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message.
Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone
at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and
then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message.
Feh!
----------------------------------------------------
[Must have good Australian accent]
G'day mate.  Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with
this crocodile.  Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
----------------------------------------------------
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline.  After the tone, leave your name and
number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word.  Today's word
is supercilious                                                 ...}
----------------------------------------------------
The President is not in his office at this time.  Please leave your name,
phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret
password.
----------------------------------------------------
Kemosabe no in tipi now.  You leave'um message after little smoke signal,
and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
----------------------------------------------------
Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was:
"This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message."
Really confused people.
----------------------------------------------------
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler
in the 23rd Century.  Any message you leave will be broadcast into the
future....
------------------------------------------------
Hello.  I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE!  DON'T STAND
ON THAT--goddam.  ...because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over
<loud music cuts in>...BARBARA!  HEY!  DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!...over for
dinner.  After the tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL!
..shit...Leave a message after the tone...HEY, FUCKHEAD...<beep>
------------------------------------------------
Hello.  Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid speaking.
I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and
Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.
------------------------------------------------
"Hi! You have reached 579-7599.  This is an answering machine.  This is the
Eighties.  You know what to do."
------------------------------------------------
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
------------------------------------------------
Ring, Ring:
The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the
new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!
------------------------------------------------
"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your name  
here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's
spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..."
------------------------------------------------
One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a
rather interesting one:
Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and
MaMaMaMarMMMMaark's room. Tom is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss
and MaMark isn'isn'isn'isn't here. isn't here. P-P-Pleas! leave a
messssssssage. Goodbye. 'bye! bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye  {byes repeating
at all different pitches}
------------------------------------------------
Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the outgoing
message. Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them. One that we
usually used during exam time was:
{background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud}
Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now...
{ BJ screams PRESSURE!!! }
So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after (exam end
date)
{ BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out-of-tune BEEP! }
------------------------------------------------
My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded
off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great
recording (call after 5 pm for the message).
[Give it try!  -pZ]
------------------------------------------------
<Ring>
In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans.
<Husky, Soft female voice is best> Hi,... You've just reached {name} pleasure
palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'llget  
back to you in whatever way we can. <Beep>
You wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one...
------------------------------------------------
    [b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented]
    "hello.  you have reached xxx-xxxx.  we are currently unable to answer
    because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats.  please leave
    a message..." etc.
------------------------------------------------
    [the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush]
    (after about 30 seconds): "hello.  you have reached xxx-xxxx.
    we can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers.
    please leave a message..." etc. (30 more seconds of music before    the  
beep.)
------------------------------------------------
(Spoken in a granny voice)
"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like
no ansherin' machine.  You jusht had to call and call until shummbody
got home.  Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay
it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage.  Thanksh a
lot."
Must be spoken in a drawl.
------------------------------------------------
Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but...
>From Calvin and Hobbes:
(phone rings)
(you answer)  Hello, this is <...> speaking.  I'd like a large pizza
with extra anchovies.
(other person)  What?
(you reply)  Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.
(hang up)
Make everyone's day a little more surreal.
------------------------------------------------
"I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls.  So just start talking
and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone.  Otherwise,
well, what can I say?
------------------------------------------------
In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.
[sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex]
But this method doesn't work with a telephone call...
[sound effect: dial tone]
Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops,it slices,  
it dices your incoming calls!  How much would you pay?
Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you
hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
------------------------------------------------
"Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a
message and if we like it we will return your call".
------------------------------------------------
However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day
per year: "This is David.  I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please
leave a message or call back after the holiday."  No one wants to admit not
having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from
the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves
me no bad news or requests for favors.
------------------------------------------------
"This is David.  Talk."
------------------------------------------------
"Hi.  This is David.  I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a
sedative.  As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely.
When I wake up I'll play my messages.  Please leave one."
------------------------------------------------
[with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the background...]
"Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead
reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE!  Leave your name
and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can."
------------------------------------------------
"Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss.  If this were the best of all possible worlds,
I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your
name and number..."
------------------------------------------------
     "Hello?" <pause for a few seconds> "Sorry, he's not here right now,
but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you."
------------------------------------------------
(woman taped off a "phone sex" service)
WOMAN : (seductively) Hi.  I'm Linda.  You know, it can be really lonely
when you're a fashion model.  Sometimes I just have to ...
YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone..
(then ask for a message)
------------------------------------------------
Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine:
     "Hi, this is Jeff.  We can't get to the phone right now because we
were killed in the Earthquake.  Tragic, isn't it?  But, leave a
message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually."  BEEP
My favorite post quake message:
    "Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING!
     Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got."
------------------------------------------------
"Hello, I'm not hear right now.  In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet.
 If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you.
 Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage
 with a vacuum cleaner."
------------------------------------------------
Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just
a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to
click off music, which gets quiet.  sound of person running back
to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!...
uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please
leave a message and I'll call you back.
(this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after
she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)
------------------------------------------------
 "Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now
  because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made  up of  
antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the  resulting energy  
release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker.
  So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my
  component particles have been restored to their normal charges."
------------------------------------------------
 "Speak, worm!" <beep>
  Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.
------------------------------------------------
 "You know what to do at the tone." <beep>
------------------------------------------------
 "Hello?" <beep>
  This confuses anyone who doesn't know you.
------------------------------------------------
 "Hello, I'm not here." <beep>
  A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with
  "Okay, that's all I wanted to know."
------------------------------------------------
   Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now.
If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah,
that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris
is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one
else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president.
Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. <beep>
------------------------------------------------
One voice:  I didn't expect an answering machine.
Another voice:           Nobody expects an answrering machine.
           Our chief use is to get your name. And phone number.
           Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And
               message.  (damn)
           Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and
               message.   And time you called.
           Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No--no time for that, so
               just wait for the beep.
	       ------------------------------------------------
(in an Italian mafia-style tone:)
"Hello.  I can't come to the phone right now.  Me and Guido are trying to
 stuff a body in the trunk.  I think we're going to have to size it a
little... <aside> HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW!  Anyways, leave your name
and a message.  If I like it, you'll hear from me.  If not, _you'll_hear_
from_Guido! ( a little laughter )...  "
------------------------------------------------
(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate instrumental accompaniment)
I just left home baby
I'll be out fer a spell
and if you don't leave a message baby
you can go to <BEEP>
------------------------------------------------
Hello, this is <insert your name here>.  I'm home right now, and in
a few moments, I'll have a decision to make. BEEEP!
------------------------------------------------
	[Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.]
	You've reached the residence of John and Tom.  We can't
	come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the
	refrigerator.  Please leave your name and number, and
	we'll get back to you.
	[Theme from "Indiana Jones" continues until the beep.]
------------------------------------------------
Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his
	refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
	your message to myself with one of these magnets.
------------------------------------------------
One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a
kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes:
The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power
supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten.  If you hang up
before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry
the kitty.  The choice is YOURS....   BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
------------------------------------------------
FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL.  KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.
THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES......         ~~~
------------------------------------------------
	Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
	Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...  er...  bear
	a...  er...  shalt not witness thy...  uh...  neighbor's ass,
	oh, I mean, false...  er...  shalt not commit a bear...  dern...
------------------------------------------------
	How do you leave a message on this thing?  I can't understand
	the instructions.  Hello.  Testing 1 2 3.  I wonder what happens
	if I touch this... YOW!!
------------------------------------------------
	I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
	to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
	this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
	it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
	listening to it...  I mean, like, wait, gosh.  This is so
	confusing.
------------------------------------------------
	I can't come to the phone now, so...  hey -- that's a nice phone
	you have there.  Hey sugar, you call this number often?  I bet
	you have answering machines bothering you all the time...  yes
	indeedy.  Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can
	listen to some old recordings...  I might even play my beep for
	you...
------------------------------------------------
	Don't you do it!  Don't you dare!  I don't want to hear it!
	Don't you beep!  If you beep, I'll...  don't even think about
	it!...  Don't...!
------------------------------------------------
	After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left
	the money.  I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to
	come out of hiding.
------------------------------------------------
	Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05.  Counting
	down to test:  5...  4...  3...  2...  1...
------------------------------------------------
	As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on
	reality.  You begin to hallucinate.  You see a telephone...  the
	telephone is next to an answering machine...  you hear a faint
	click and a light flashes on the answering machine...  you hear
	a beep...
------------------------------------------------
	You're growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You feel
	very sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and
	your ability to resist suggestions.  When you hear the tone you
	will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
	message.
------------------------------------------------
	No!  NO!  Not THAT!  Anything but that!  Not the beep!  No!
	Please!  Not the beep!  Anything but the beep!
	AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
------------------------------------------------
	This is a test.  This is a test of the Answering Machine
	Broadcast System.  This is only a test.
------------------------------------------------
	Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin
	Dvorak.  This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...
------------------------------------------------
	[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"]
	Leave a message...  leave a message...  etc.
------------------------------------------------
	Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink.  I can't come to the phone
	right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
	then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
	mind when you hear the following words:  orange...  mother...
	unicorn...  penis.  I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as
	soon as possible.
------------------------------------------------
	[For Shakespeare lovers only]
	So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
	So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
------------------------------------------------
	[VOICE 1]  Answer the phone, please, Hal.
	[VOICE 2]  I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
------------------------------------------------
	I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
	basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills.  If
	you need any money, or if you just want to check out my
	handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you
	need after the tone.  If you're from the Department of the
	Treasury, please ignore this message.
------------------------------------------------
	Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline.  Father Durway's
	not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and
	confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as
	soon as possible.  And remember, confession doesn't count unless
	you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!
------------------------------------------------
	Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15
	minutes.  Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you
	weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White.  Sorry.
------------------------------------------------
	C'mon...  you can do it...  just a little one.  That's the
	way...  just a little beep, just a little one.  C'mon...  good
	boy...  here we go...  like this -- beeeeep, just a little one,
	beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...  There you go!
------------------------------------------------
	I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
	stupid talking to people I don't remember.  I'd appreciate it if
	you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
	something about myself.  Thanks.
------------------------------------------------
	I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
	brain.  Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings
	assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
------------------------------------------------
	Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole.  Right now, all our assholes
	are busy.  After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll
	have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
------------------------------------------------
Ok, One more time...
This is our answering machine...
This is the message on our answering machine...
..Any questions?
------------------------------------------------
	Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry,
	I must have dialed the wrong number.
------------------------------------------------
	<beep, beep, beep>
	The number you have reached,
	Seven.  Six.  Seven.  One.  Two.  Three.  Four.
	[Use your number here.]
	has not been disconnected and is still in service.
	Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.
------------------------------------------------
HANS: This is Hans
FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to...
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
HANS: But we are not at home, you know
FRANZ: Ya, we are gone
HANS: If you want us to...
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
HANS: You will leave a message after the beep
FRANZ: If you don't leave a message, then you are Girlyman.
HANS: Ya, Girlyman.  And we don't talk to Girlyman, you know
FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to..
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
------------------------------------------------
"Hello!  This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes!  1-800-PRESLEY!
They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there
somewhere.  So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where
*YOU* saw Elvis!"
------------------------------------------------
       "Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where
        you can talk to me, Bren.  I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering         
in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a        power  
forward for the Portland Trailblazers.  I'll tell my deepest        secrets,  
such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority
        girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not
        I'm wearing pants.  Selected callers will get to talk to me live.
        Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the
        beep. "
------------------------------------------------
 In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice: "I'm sorry, you have reached an
imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety
degrees and try your call again."
    A few people even got the joke...
------------------------------------------------
"You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center.
Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey.
TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume
incoming, non-important."
------------------------------------------------
"Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?"
"Lucifer speaking, who in the hall do you want?"
"Heaven, God speaking."
"Bridge, Kirk here."
 "City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"
------------------------------------------------
"Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy.  No KG... Er, no diplomats are
able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name,
telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell."
------------------------------------------------
"I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they
   here a busy signal."
------------------------------------------------
If you are a burgler, then we are probably at home but can't come
        to the phone right now
Otherwise, we probably aren't at home.
------------------------------------------------
The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again!
------------------------------------------------
     This is you-know who.
     We are you-know-where.
     Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
------------------------------------------------
    " I'm Morley Safer."
    "I'm Harry Reasoner."
    "I'm ........
    "And I'm" <the guy whose answering machine it was>
    " We're not home; leave a message."
      He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded
    very funny.
------------------------------------------------
"Greetings.  You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic FilmsUnlimited.   
Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screentests with potential  
leading ladies to star opposite the late JohnHolmes in our upcoming feature  
film "It's Not the Size That Counts butWhether or Not You're Alive to Use It."   
If you're interested in a
screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age,
phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work
experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your
favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of
Cool Whip.  Thank you for calling."
------------------------------------------------
Another one I've done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch
and speed of my voice while recording the message to make it sound
like the machine is broken:(start, low pitch, slow)
"Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy....
(middle, normal)
.home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home...
(later, high pitch, fast)
.butifyou'dliketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...
(end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish)
.kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfdskoreudjfkleqBEEP!"
------------------------------------------------
	This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
	thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your
	name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
	you, and I'll think about returning your call.
------------------------------------------------
    "E'llo."
    "My name is Inigo Montonya."
    "You killed my father."
    "Leave your name and number, and prepare to die."     <beep>
------------------------------------------------
My favorite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also
>from this movie.  My friend recorded the section that goes something
like:
	"I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you
to tell me how the machine makes you feel.  Remember, be honest.  This
is for posterity."
------------------------------------------------
The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my Amiga's
speech sythesizer.  It's set up as a dialog between two distict, but
recognizably artificial voices.  I thought it sort of mediocre myself, but
have gotten quite a number of amused comments about it.
-----
1> Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
2> Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1> Right, just us machines, but don't hang up!  If you like, you can leave
   your name and telephone number...
2> ...and a message!  You forgot about the message!
1> Right.  Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you
   hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people
   get back.
2> ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
------------------------------------------------
I taped theoperator saying "we're sorry.  The number you have reached
has been disconnected or is no longer is service..."
------------------------------------------------
 From Halloween this year:
	(Ominous electronic background music.)
	Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform
	an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh,
	unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by?
	SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...
------------------------------------------------
	(French monologue in the background)
	Around the world today, millions still speak French as either
	a first or second language. But with your continued support
	and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave
	a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone
	tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".
------------------------------------------------
	Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can
	talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please
	leave your credit card number at the tone...
------------------------------------------------
	Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge
	drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets
	you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone,
	and thank you for your pledge.
------------------------------------------------
(click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.  Your
	voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
	later use.  Once this is done, our computers will be able to
	use the sound of _your_ voice for literally thousands of illegal
	and immoral purposes.  There is no charge for this initial
	consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists
	will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the
	benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
	payment.  Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
	Thank you."  (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)
------------------------------------------------
(Use a strong east Indian accent)
Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of (...). I am currently  
meditating, 
but if you leave your name andwhich lifeline you are currently inhabiting at  
the
 sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you whenthe stars 
 align properly.
------------------------------------------------
Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm...
(heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh!  Sorry,
I can't come (Oh! Yes!  Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right
now (pant pant), leave your name and number at the
(scream) (I'm gonna come!!!!!) orgasm.
------------------------------------------------
<Cackle> That's right!  This is an answering machine!  In a few
seconds, YOU'RE gonna have to leave a message!  Then we'll listen
to it and decide whether or not we like you anymore! So make it GOOD...
----------------------------------------------------
(Background music: Something psychotic sounding, like Revolution 9
(Beatles) or Toccata (ELP))
Hello, you have reached the <Housing Complex> Psychatric Ward.
<Residents> aren't here right now, so LEARN HOW TO COPE WITH IT!
(Gasp) Leave a message at the beep, and we'll discuss your case.
Thanks for calling... NOW GO AWAY!   Hahahahahaha oof... <chair
falling over>
----------------------------------------------------
(Background: Something spacy, like "A Saucerful Of Secrets" by Pink Floyd.)
(Try to sound like Carl Sagan.)
Who are you?  Where do you come from?  Why are you here?
(Normal voice)
I don't have the answer to these questions, but you can give ME the
	answers at the beep.
----------------------------------------------------
"At the sound of the tone, you will be charged $10 for the first
minute and $2 for each additional minute.  Please leave your name, phone
number and a message.  You may call as often as you wish."
----------------------------------------------------
"ahhhhhhhhh...hhhhhhhhhhhhh (heavy breathing sounds, like an 
obcene phone call) Oh, shit, you called me!  Sorry, leave your
 name and number at the beep."
----------------------------------------------------
"Hello, this is John's refrigerator, his answering machine's not working right
now, so leave a name and number and we'll get back to you."
 (uses a back-woods slow drawl type voice)
----------------------------------------------------
"This is an answerin' machine, this machine is designed to take full
 advantage of its numerous capabilities.  Please say what you wanted
 to talk about and why did ya call me anyhow?  Wait for the tone to
 sound, and leave yer message after the beep."
----------------------------------------------------
 (uses pompous John Houseman {prof. Kingsfield} type voice)
"It appears Reynaldo has again failed to answer the phone so you'll just
 have to leave a message.  Right now I'm off to find Reynaldo and probably fire  
him."
----------------------------------------------------
Use a pretty much regular message but end it  with "And, remember, this machine
 cannot hurt you--over the phone."
----------------------------------------------------
       "Hello.  This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm *so*
	depressed.  I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner,
	yet all I get to do is answer the phone.  Life.  Don't talk to
	me about life.  Just leave your name and number after the beep."
----------------------------------------------------
	"Hello, this is Ron's toaster.  Ron's new answering machine
	is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message
	when the toast is done .... {Cachunk!}"
----------------------------------------------------
 "Joe and Fred can't come to the phone now because:
 (1) Were at an orgy
 (2) Terrorists have taken over the building
 (3) We saw GOD
 (4) The FBI busted our fraterinty /* BIG news around here lately */
----------------------------------------------------
 "Please leave youre name, phone #, time you called, and favorite 
 color of  underware. we'll get back to you if we like the color."
----------------------------------------------------
Here's my favorite, for calling large offices and idiots-in-general:
"Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?"
----------------------------------------------------
    My solution is upon realizing that I'm talking with a "telemarketing
representative", I ask:  "Are you a telemarketer?"  The answer
(suprisingly) is usually yes.  I then go into a sales pitch to
sell a (nonexistant) telephone ear-cusion.
     I insist that every telemarketer must have one for safety and comfort.
     Eventually, they'll forget to try selling me anything.
----------------------------------------------------
       "And this is the sound the aliens made..."                      (BEEP!)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
waste their
 time:        Have a tape recording of your self going:  "Yes (pause) uh
              huh (pause) hmmm (pause) mmm, yeah (pause) ..." repeated
              indefinitley.  As soon as you realize that it's a telephone
              solictor you turn on the recording, put it by the speaker and
              leave.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Have fun:     Ask them very personal or bizare questions.  If it's the
              opposite sex pretend that you earnestly want to date them.
	      Treat tem as if they're the last source of information on
              giraffe breeding and you MUST have the details.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hi, this is ______________...I'm not here anymore because I've
committed suicide--so if it's about any money I owe you, I'll
see you in Hell!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"You have reached (recites number here). No one is available to speak
with you right now because we either are not here or don't feel like
picking up the phone.
If you are a burglar, we have two hungy dobermans downstairs for your
convenience."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Currently I answer my phone, "Kimona Ackapiecesay!"
>From the AT&T commercial where the guy calls Fiji?  I have no clue
as to what it means, but it never fails to confuse people.
-------------------------------------------------------------
My answering machine reads, with spooky music in the background,
or Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor, "Hello. You have reached 
xxx-xxxx,otherwise known as the epicenter of the universe.  No one is
available right now, but, if you'll leave your name, phone number, 
mastercard or visa number, sexual preference, and message, your deity
 of choice will get back to you as soon as is. . .humanly possible. Thank
 you very much, and have a nice life."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Friend of mine (Known as "K", to protect the innocent - me, not him!)
has anodd one.  Picks up phone, says hello, says K isn't here right
now - oh, is that him under the table?  No, somebody else.  Oh well.
Leave a message, I'll getit to him.   (Walkman is playing heavy metal
into machine microphone all thistime.)
-----------------------------------------------------
	< Lick It...Stuff it in>
	<Lick it... Stuff it in>
	< Lick it.. Stuff it in>

As you can hear, John and Cathy are busy mailing
letters, please leave a message at the ton......
----------------------------------------------------
 in Michelangelo's voice:

 Hi, dudes, this is 031 343 xxxx.  This is the Teenage Mutant Hero
 Turtles' secret underground hideaway.  I'm afraid we're all out just now
 on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine
 messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill,
 or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza
 recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back.
  But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening.  When the
 computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping
 noise and you can speak freely.'
----------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
Answering machines. Nowadays almost everyone has one, complete
 with a snappymessage of their own device. Wait for the beep and then read on.
This is a short adaptation of Simon Butler-White's and Clive Archer's
"could-be" phone messages released in Australian Cleo, August 1989.
(Some of them are bit old, Maggie ain't prime minister of the UK, and
Kylie Minogue isn't seeing Jason Donovan anymore, but you'll get the meaning
anyway,I'm sure).

John McEnroe, Tennis Mouth

You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed
 me by ATLEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get
  anything right?You people make me sick! Leave a message and
   I'll call you back! BEEP.
				----

Sarah Ferguson, Another Royal

(Giggle) Hello, this is Fergie...er (sound of hand being placed over
receiver and a loud whisper). Andrew! What'sthat title again? What? Oh hello,
this is the Duchess of York. The Duke and I are out skiing, so when you hear
the jolly old pip pip, leave your message and we'll give you a tinkle when
we get back - in November. BEEP.
				----

Elvis Presley, Corpse

Hi. I can't come to the phone right now. Actually I can't do much of anything
right now because I've been dead since 1977. But my spirit lives on and if
you'd like to leave your name and number, I'll try to contact you via ouija
board, Madame Zenda or garbled tape recording. This is also the number of
John F. Kennedy, Adolf Hitler, Harold Holt, Lucille Ball, Roy Orbison...BEEP.
				----

Mikhail Gorbachev, Commie Birthmark

Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone number of
Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of
the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics,
Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of
Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet
Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet
People's Council of Peace and Happines and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash
Team. But hey, call me Mike. BEEP.
				----

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Thespian

Gutten day to you. Here I'm being on ze set of mein latest moofie. Eet's
the latest moofie in mein strings of mega-hits. First zere was za Terminator,
zen zere was za Predator...zis one's called za Laminator. Eet's about zis
handyman on a mission. Eet's drama. Very funny stuff. You'll chust luff it.
I know you vill. Leaf a messich after za beep. Don't say you can't. Ve haf
vays off making you talk, you know. BEEP.
				----

Margaret Thatcher, Iron Woman

You have reached the residence of the Prime Minister at No. 10 Downing
Street. When you hear the beep, sit up straight, speak clearly and
distinctly and STOP doodling when you're talking to me! And Dennis, if that's
you, how many time have I told you abut staying at the club after 9.30?
We've been a very naughty boy, haven't we? BEEP.
				----

Kylie Minogue, Singing Budgie

Gee, hi, um, I'm unable to come to the phone right now cos I'm making a
movie, or a video, or a new album or something, but I'll get back to you
next time I'm in Australia. and if that's you Jason, I stick by what I
said last night: You wear your underwear and I'll wear mine. BEEP.
				----

The Pope, Spiritual Leader

Bless you my child. This is John Paul Ringo...heh heh, I tell a liddle
Beatles choke, yes? I'm out kissing airport runways (hey, so would you
if you flew Boeing) and am unable to pontificate at present. Please
leave your name and number when you hear the amen and I'll get back to
you, God willing. BEEP.
				----
[to the tune of "I'm not your stepping stone"]
"I I I I I'm just an answering machine...  I said 'a I I I I I'm just an  
answering machine. BEEP."
--------------------------------
"Thank you for calling XXX-XXXX.  If you wish to speak to Tim push 1 on your
touch tone phone now.  If you wish to speak to Lynn push 2 on your touch tone 
phone now.  If you have a wrong number push 3 on your touch tone phone now.
All of this button pushing doesn't do anything but it is a good way to work off 
anger and makes us feel like we have a big time phone system."
----------------------------
 I hate these machines, as much as you.
  But try as we might, the cats just won't do.
  The scratches they cause,
  Holding the phone with their paws,
  Only leave us feeling lonely and blue.

  So, leave your name at the beep.
  On the recorder it will keep.
  And if there's a way,
  We'll call you today,
  Unless of course your a <beeeeeeeeep>.
----------------------------
"Hello this is the (Last Name) residence, we're in the middle of a family 
fight right now.  Leave your name a number at the beep and whichever one 
wins will call you right back."
----------------------------
  I hate these machines, as much as you.
  But try as we might, the cats just won't do.
  The scratches they cause,
  Holding the phone with their paws,
  Only leave us feeling lonely and blue.

  So, leave your name at the beep.
  On the recorder it will keep.
  And if there's a way,
  We'll call you today,
  Unless of course your a <beeeeeeeeep>.
--------------------------------
Hi, this is Dave.  I'm out right now.  This means I'm either asleep or not
here.  I'll get back to you when I return or regain consiousness, whichever
comes first.
--------------------------------
Here's another one, (partly) remembered.  It is best said very fastand loud and
 with no pauses, to receive the desired effect (the calling party will have  
lost all
concentration and leave babbling garbage on the tape).  It DOES work and is
very funny to hear your messages when you get home:
--------------------------------
Hi, this is Dave.  By getting this message instead of the person you were
originally calling you have stumbled into the position of having to come up
with some reasonable one-sided interpretation of your original reason  
forcalling and leave it on an uncaring audio tape which will not preserve your
normally functioning wit and power of speech.  NOW!!!! (beep)
----------------------------------
It's time to play "What's Your Business" starring you, the caller.
That's right, you get to leave your name and number on this
amazing machine!  But that's not all, if you leave a brief message and
the time that you called, you could win our fabulous Grand Prize, a
RETURN CALL!  Good luck, and here's the beep.
----------------------------------
Recorded phone company message saying number is disconnected
playing in the background while the owner is arguing
with it like this:
Hey don't say that, it is connected
..
No please, I paid all my bills
..
What did I do wrong (desperate)
..
Why are you doing this to me? (bursting into tears)
----------------------------------
ordinary message ending with a recorded BEEP and
then silence for a few seconds:
HAHAHA
Fooled you, here comes the real BEEP
<real BEEP>