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A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had
the volley of the Dills.
A banker fell over board. His friends couldn't find a life preserver.
One asked, "Can you float alone?"
The women at one college called a would be romeo a great natural athlete.
He makes every broad jump.
A filibuster, throughing your wait around.
Molly invented a stainless-steel sink. It's called the Unbrownable Molly
Sink.
A reverend wanted to call another reverend. He told the operator, this
is a parson to parson call.
A farmer with lots of chickens posted the following sign. "Free Chickens.
Our Coop Runneth Over."
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled
hearing.
Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. Mort is the expert. Bill
is not the rigger Mort is.
Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
The judge fined the offender fifty dollars and told him if he was caught
again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
A rock store was closed by the police, they were taking too much for
granite.
A man who keep stealing mopids was an obvious cycle-path.
A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
during a raid at the house of a mobster. His excuse, "I was making a bolt for
the door."
A farm in the country side had seven turkeys, it was known as the house
of seven gobbles.
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales at breakfast one saturday morning.
His wife asked "What have you got there?" "Just my cup and Chaucer."
A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it platoonic.
Max told his friend he didn't want to go for a hike in the hills. "I'm
an anti-climb Max."
Known as a tough, nasty umpire, the man in a foul mood upon walking
into his home asked his son to come sit on his lap, "Not now dad, GI Joe
is still on." The son never sits on a Brutish Umpire.
A new wagon designed for LA rush hour traffic is called the Stationary
wagon.
An Uncle died, left several hundred clocks to a niece, she's busy winding
up the estate.
A Texan down on the range is suing for a divorce. He found his dear
and an interloper playing.
Two cheerleaders ended up married, they met by chants.
Two cans of paint got married, later the bride whispered, "Darling,
I think I'm pigment."
Two boy silkworms pursued a luscious girl silkworm. They ended up in a
tie.
A doctor told the boy, "This injection won't hurt a bit." That's an MD
promise.
Advice to ice skaters: You can't always tell a brook by its cover.
A guru hops around often, he's known as the Kan Guru.
A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge
was recluse driving.
What do they call a man who builds twenty boats a month? Sir Launchalot.
The clerks of a store went on strike. Things were fine until the owner
found out one of the picketers had had smallpox. The owner called the union,
"This time you've gone to far. My picket has been pocked."
A swami stopped in at the butcher shop and asked for butcher for a pound
of liver, but the dishonest butcher weighed down upon the swami's liver.
A prospector marched into an assayer's office and planted two huge
nuggests
on the counter. "Well, don't just stand there, assay something!"
Indian Chief Shortcake died, so Squaw bury Shortcake.
An Indian family with sixteen kids was just one big Hopi family.
A fortune-teller started laughing seconds after looking into his crystal
ball. The client hit him. "Why did you do that" "My mother always told
me to strike a happy medium."
An American family sent some poor cousins in East Germany a package
of food. Weeks later when they heard it still had not arrived, cabled the
cousins with "Cheer up, the wurst is yet to come."
A man walks into Red Square on day screaming "Gorbachov's an idiot!
Gorbachov's an idiot." Well, the KGB chased him around for awhile until
they finally caught him. They immediately took him to court where the
judge decided on his sentence. The poor fellow was given exactly 10 years
and seven days in jail. Two days for disturbing the peace, five days for
insulting the leader, and ten years for revealing a state secret!!!
An inspector was making the rounds of the communal farms in his district,
and he approached a potato farmer. "How was the potato harvest this season,
comrade?" he demanded. "Excellent, excellent," exclaimed the farmer, "our
potatoes could be piled high enough to reach the toe of God!" A bit taken
aback, the inspector said, "But comrade, this is the Soviet Union; there
is no God." Replied the farmer, "That's no problem, because there aren't
any potatoes, either."
"In News, there is no truth; and in Truth there is no news."
I guess it makes more sense in russian.. Pravda is truth, and Isvestia is
news. The two big Soviet papers: Pravda and Isvestia.
Seems the Department of Information Services (Ministry of Propaganda) was
out
in the field, taking 'the Rewolution" to the people: explaining the
fundamentals
of Socialism to the populace to bolster popularity. A member of the Department
was out talking to a farmer in Siberia...
Official: So you see, comrade, dat it iz de way Marx explained: "From each
according to his abilities, to each according to his needs." You understand?
Farmer: (confused) Nyet...
O: OK. Iz like dis: Say a comrade has two cows. Ve take one cow from him and
give it to comrade that has no cow. Dat is de Rewolution. You see?
F: (Happily) Da, Da! Iz good!
O: And if a comrade has two tractors, ve take one of his tractors and give to
man who has no tractors. Da?
F: (Very excited) Da! Da! Is WERY good!
O: And if a comrade has two cheekens, ve give one cheeken to man who has no
cheekens. Da?
F: Nyet! Iz not good!
O: Vy iz not good?
F: (Despondently) I have two cheekens...
A badger is quietly walking through Red Square. He sees two rabbits,
running just as fast as they can, come from one street.
Badger: "Wait! Why are you running!?"
Rabbit 1: "The KGB is arresting all the camels!"
Badger: "But you're rabbits!"
Rabbit 2: "Yeah, but try telling the KGB that!"
Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "Go to hell" in such a way
that
he looks forward to the trip.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Acid. Acid who? Acid down and be quiet.
Ammmonia. Ammonia who? Ammonia bird in a gilded cage.
Barbara. Barbara who? Barbara black sheep, have you any wool...?
Barry. Barry who? Barry me not on the lone prairie.
Cereal. Cereal who? Cereal pleasure to meet you.
Dennis. Dennis who? Dennis, anyone?
Dwaine. Dwaine who? Quick, dwain the bathtub, I'm dwowning!
Egypt. Egypt who? Egypt me and I want my mummy back!
The invisble man. Well, tell him I can't see him.
Irish stew. Irish stew who? Irish stew in the name of the law.
You're a lady. You're a lady who? I didn't know you could yodel.
Q. Why did the moron throw the butter out the window?
A. Because he wanted to see a butterfly.
Q. Why did the little moron throw margarine out of
the window?
A. He wanted to see an imitation butterfly.
Q. Why did the little moron throw his clock out
of the window?
A. He wanted to see time fly.
Q. Why did the little moron drive his truck off a cliff?
A. He wanted to test his air brakes.
Q. What did the little moron do when he learned that
he was going to die?
A. He went into the living room.
Q. Why did the little moron drive his car into a tree?
A. He wanted to hear its bark.
Q. The little moron and his friend were climbing up a
cliff. His friend fell off. Why didn't the little
moron fall off as well?
A. Because he was a little mor(e) on.
It was three o'clock in the morning when the moron's
phone rang, so he trudged from his seventh-floor bedroom
all the way down to the ground-floor drawing-room to
answer it.
"Hello?", said the moron.
"Hello" said the voice at the other end. "Is that
one-one-one-one-one-one?"
"No", said the moron. "This is eleven-eleven-eleven."
"Oh," said the voice at the other end, "I must have the
wrong number. I'm terribly sorry for disturbing you."
"Oh, that's all right", said the moron. "I had to get
up anyway to answer this blasted phone!"
Q. Why did the very little moron drown in the kitchen sink?
A. He was trying to learn tap dancing.
Q. How can you tell when a little moron has been using your
terminal?
A. There's white-out all over the screen.
The little moron was strolling downtown one day
when he spotted a man walking in the opposite direction
who was being followed by twenty penguins. The man had
a worried look on his face, which is perfectly normal
because everyone knows how dangerous a bunch of penguins
can be if cornered.
"What are you doing?" asked the little moron.
"I'm supposed to take these penguins to the zoo, but
if I do, I'll miss my appointment. Would it be possible
for you to take them there for me?" the man asked.
"No problem", replied the little moron.
About three hours later, the man was on the way out of his
meeting when he saw the little moron going the other way, away
>from the zoo, and behind him followed the twenty penguins.
The man ran over to meet him.
"What do you think you're doing?" asked the man.
"Well, I took the penguins to the zoo like you wanted,
but they got tired, so now I'm taking them to a movie!"
A newspaper headline: "Escaped Leopard Believed Spotted!"
Los Angeles Times, February 8:
At 3,998 meters, the Fletschhorn just fails to make the exclusive club of
a string of peaks known as the "4,000ers," such as the 4,478-meter Matterhorn.
A surprising number of mountain climbers decide against climbing the
Fletschhorn
because it is a couple of meters short of of 4,000. This represents a loss
of revenue for local merchants, who have decided to spend $72,000 to add
some rocks to the top of the Fletschhorn to take it up to 4,000 meters.
Daffynitions
Meter maid: Windshield viper ?
Subject: Swiftiers
"No negroes allowed!" Jim crowed.
"You can do it!" Pep talked.
"She sure is feisty!" Tom bouyed.
"This is a feline smilee." Tom catted.
"This is a *wild* feline smilee." Bob catted.
"He is tall, dark and handsome." Dee scribed.
"I want to have your children!" Dee sired.
"I'm reporting that graffitti." Dee filed.
"I'm going to lure them out." said Dee coyly.
"I'll vote for him." Dee sided.
"To pee or not to pee?" the Miss quoted.
"Of course I'll cooperate." Al lied.
"I heard a rumor about you." Al edged.
"This is how we program." Flo charted
"Follow me." the Miss led. (okok, so "Cool and the Gang" thought it up first)
"This is a soft bed." Matt rested.
"This isn't digital." Anna logged.
You might have noticed the news story yesterday from Leesburg, Va, (where
the Xerox training center is and from where I am writing), about a baby being
born from a frozen embryo:
Would this kid always wear a sweater, like even in the shower?
Would he look at things in a particular way, such as, when asked about the
paint for a wall, say, 'I think we need something warmer.'
Would he, when buying a new car, first ask about the heater?
Shy away from refrigerators?
Be active in the movement to eliminate freon from the environment?
Make others raise their eyebrows when,, later in life at cocktail parties,
he would get concerned as ice cubes melted?
Would they never let their tongues touch metal, for fear it would stick?
Would cryogenic storage after death be like a return to the womb?
There was a young fellow named Dave,
who kept a dead whore in a cave,
He said, "I admit,
I'm a bit of a shit,
but think of the money I save!"
from the depths of the crypt at St Giles
came a scream which resounded for miles
said the vicar "Good Gracious!
has Father Ignacius
forgotten the bishop has piles?"
LUCASFILM TO SEND ACTORS TO JUPITER
Marin (KPI) -- LucasFilm and Industrial Light & Magic today revealed
plans to film the third Star Wars trilogy in orbit around Jupiter. The
actors and film crew for the movies will be the first human beings ever
to venture outside the orbit of Mars. "Due to the rising price of
special effects, and the public's demand for ever more realism, filming
on location is simply the only way we can hope to break even at the box
office," a spokesthing for LucasFilm told reporters. Since the journey
will last many months, cryogenic hibernation technology -- first
developed by ILM to keep actors for the second trilogy young -- will be
used for all humans on board. The ship will be piloted by an ILM 203
mobile computer, who will also play the part of R2D2 in the films. The
rest of the ship crew is still under construction. The launch is
scheduled for February 20, 2020, and will take place in Florida, where
ILM will temporarily take over Pad B of Disneyworld's popular "Moon Ride,"
the largest launch facility in the U.S. "It's not the most
economical launch window," a Disney spokesthing said, "but it is the off-season,
and we wouldn't want to deprive any kid of a chance to visit the moon."
With today's technology we were able to put a man on the moon. But then
why can't we put a man on Martina? (tennis)
He: They have a new pill that will relieve suffering from PMS - do you want
any ?
She: Why would you ask ? I don't suffer from PMS.
He: You're right - YOU don't suffer from PMS.
My uncle was a young man growing up on the farm and had twin sisters
slightly younger than he was. He was walking in the pasture one
day when he spotted them approaching but still some distance away.
Spotting an old pail lying nearby, he quickly set it upside down over a
large, fresh cow pie and sat down on the pail. When the sisters
reached him, they demanded to know what he had under the pail but
he refused to tell them. After they begged and pleaded for a time,
he said, "Oh, all right. I'll lift the pail and whoever grabs it
first can have it." Then he lifted the pail a bit, the sisters made
a grab for whatever was under it, and IT WAS A TIE!
how about:
call up any type of place that is large enough to have to page to locate a
customer.....
Ask for Michael Hunt (then say everyone calls him Mike)
over the paging speaker: is Mike Hunt here? has anyone seen Mike Hunt
(My Cunt) (works best if pager is female...)
Courtesy of PeeWee on the old "Porky's" movies...
Q: How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Zero. Nobody knew they were there.
Bumper sticker seen the other day....
"Save the forests....Wipe your ass with a spotted owl."
Some other things that never happen on Star Trek...
>>A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly
has a surprise birthday party.
>>A redshirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or
whatever.
>>McCoy says, "On second thought, maybe I'm a carpenter and NOT a doctor
after all."
>>The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.
>>Kirk meets a woman whom he's known for years but never had sex with.
>>Sulu and Chekov get to do something interesting.
>>Kirk says, "Uhura, I'm frightened."
>>Kirk gets Court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.
>>A Klingon says to a companion, "Hey, I like you."
>>Harry Mudd manages to turn a healthy profit selling something legal.
>>An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening
or menacing in any way.
>>Some patient of McCoy's who's NOT a central character lives.
>>Riker manages to avoid seeming like a William Shatner clone.
>>The crew of the original Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and
nobody suffers major emotional trauma.
>>A major character dies and isn't resurrected.
>>The mysterious a giant threatening object is on a direct course for some
world other than Earth.
>>Somebody says, "You know, the Enterprise-D looks really stupid! What is
it, a `Close Encounters' reject???"
>>Artificial intelligence and android technology make human exploration of
the galaxy obsolete.
>>McCoy says, "He'll live, Jim."
There was a young lady from Gaul
Who wore a newspaper dress to the ball
But the dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all!
WHY DO POLISH PEOPLE ONLY GO TO MOVIES IN GROUPS OF 17 OR MORE?
BECAUSE THE SIGN OUTSIDE STATES " UNDER SEVENTEEN NOT ADMITED! "
Did y ou hear about the Scottish Kamikaze pilot?
He crashed his plane in his brother's junkyard.
What do 32 Iraqi women in one place have?
A full set of teeth!
HOW DO YOU CLEAR OUT AND IRAQI BINGO HALL?
CALL OUT "B-52".
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW BAGHDAD ROCK GROUP?
NO KIDS ON THE BLOCK.
The first grade teacher assigns her class to use the word "contagious" in
a sentence. The next day, she asks who has their assignment done. Little
Mary goes first, "Mommy told daddy not to kiss her for a week because she
has a cold and its contagious". "Very good", said the teacher and calls
on little Peter. "When I have a cold and sneeze, I use a handkerchief
because I am contagious". "Excellent", said the teacher and called on
Johnny (the foul mouth of the class). "My dad and I went for a ride in
the country and saw this woman on a tall ladder painting a giant barn with
a little bitty brush and my dad said that if she didn't get a bigger
brush, it would take that contagious to finish the barn"!
While watching last night's news, I heard the ultimate lawyer joke. It
wasn't meant to be funny but here's the exchange:
"If that is so stupid, why is Sadaam doing it?
Answer (I swear I'm not making this up) "That's simple. He's not a
trained military man, he's a lawyer.)
King Hussein was on his throne when his aide ran to him saying,
"Both Sadaam Hussein and the Pope are waiting to see you...who
do you want to see?" The King thought a moment, and said, "send in
the Pope, at least I only have to kiss his ring."
"We've got 700,000 attorneys at law
And no-one can tell me what we need them all for...
...he walks in to the room with a briefcase like a bomb
A smile on both faces, and he calls it aplomb
He wants a bite of your apple, hands you back the peel.
He's fresh out of law school, and he's got a license to steal."
A man invites his lawyer and accountant into his office. "Gentlemen, " he
says, "I have a simple question. How much is two plus two?"
The accountant clears his throat and says that he thinks it's probably
four, but he can't be sure without a full audit.
The lawyer says to the accountant, "excuse us please." The accountant
leaves. The lawyer goes to the door, opens it, looks both ways up and down
the hall, closes it carefully, and sits back down. Leaning accross the
desk, he whispers conspiritorially, "How much would you like it to be?"
So I hear that the highway department came to the scene of the accident
where 25 feet of skid marks led up to the skunk. The highway department
picked up the first victim and gave him a proper burial, taking pains to
notify the family of the tragedy. Of course they had to put clothes pins
on their noses and rubber gloves on before they could remove the lawyer...
Did you hear the one about the lion who ate the lawyer?
Had to lick his butt afterwards to get rid of the taste!
These answers were provided by children during Confirmation classes.
Christians have only one wife. That is called monotony.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day..and a ball of fire by night.
The natives of Macedonia did not believe, so Paul got stoned.
This preacher lost his bicycle and looked all over and could not find it.
About mid week he was talking to one of his brother preacher and told him
that someone had stolen his bicycle. Second preacher told him, "On Sunday
when you are giving the service work in the Ten Commandments and when you
get to the one on Thou Shelt Not Steal, the person who took you bicycle
will return it."
On Monday the second preacher saw the first one riding his bicycle and
said, "Well I see it worked."
First preacher replied, "It sure did, whe I got to Thout Shalt Not Commit
Adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle."
This ol country preacher (have to be careful so I am not racist) met a
member of his flock one day and saw she was pregnant and her husband had
died over a year ago. He informed her she had been a sinnin and she told
him no, she had had intercourse with his ghost.
He said impossible and she informed him it was true. So he said ok, for
Sunday's sermon I will work it in and ask if any of the brothers and
sister have had intercourse with a ghost.
Come Sunday, during the service he asked the question and ol' Tobe in the
back of the church was half a sleep and he raised his hand. Preacher said
Toby you mean to say you had intercourse with a ghost. He said, "Ghost?
I thought you said goat!"
A young man was working in the produce department of a grocery store when
a customer came up to him and asked if he could buy a half of head of
lettuce. He said he would check with his manager, however did not notice
that the customer was following him to the back of the store. As he
approached his manager he said " There is some a--hole in the front that
would like to buy a half a head of lettuce". His manager noticing the man
in back of the young man said "Is this the person that wants to buy a half
a head of lettuce?" The young man quickly replied "No, this gentleman
would like to buy the other half!!" The manager was so impressed on how
diplomatically the young man handled the situation he asked im to
temporaily manage the entire produce department the following week while
he took a trip to Canada. The young man thanked him for the opportunity
and asked "Why are you going to Canada, after all the only things in
Canada are whores and Hockey players. His manager replied that he was
going to visit his fiancee to which the young man replied " Really, what
team does she play for?"
Q: What do you call a group of Iraq women walking into a singles bar?
A: Incoming SCUDS
Did you hear which major department store is considering opening a couple
of stores in IRAQ?
TARGET!
Q: DID YOU HEAR IRAQ HAS A NEW NATIONAL FLAG?
A: It is white with a white stripe and a white star!
Why is the camel called "the ship of the desert"?
Because they're full of Iraqi semen.
Three vampires walked into a bar and sat at a corner table. The barmaid
walked over and asked what they would like to drink. The first one
ordered a blood. The second one ordered the same. The third one said
that he was on a diet and ordered a plasma.
The barmaid yelled to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood lite!"
What's the difference between a Canadian Hockey player and an Iraqi woman?
The Hockey player takes a shower after three periods.
What do a vaccuum cleaner and an Iraqi Tank have in common?
They both suck.
What's the difference between the two?
The vaccuum cleaner has only one dirt bag in it.
Ol' preacher was giving his sermon one Sunday and it was about the sins of
life. So during the service he started asking questions on what the flock
had been doing the last week. He asked how many had been a hein' and a
shein'. Some raised there hand. Then he asked how many had been a shein'
and a shein' and a few raised their hands. Then he asked how many had
been a hein' and a hein' and a few more raised there hand. Their sat ol
Tobe in the back and he never raised his hand. Bro' asked Tobe if he
hadn't done anything in the past week. He said, "Brother, yo didn't say
anything about a me n' and a me n'."
This gal from the deep south said, "Tobe, when yall' goin take me
Flordia." Tobe says, " I's not takin you Florida," and she says, "Yo did
too," and he says, I's did not." She says, "Yo promised to Tampa wit me
when I's turn sixteen."
Three clergyman were such good friends that they decided to chip in to
buy a car. After they got the car home they each had to dedicate it in
their own way. The priest sprinkled Holy water on it, the Baptist ran
it through a carwash and the rabbi cut 2 inches off the tailpipe.
A Priest and a Rabbi got together for dinner every year in December to
celebrate the holidays of Xmas and Hannukah. The Priest ordered a ham
steak and the Rabbi some boiled chicken. The Priest said to the Rabbi that
every year for the past four or five that he promised he would try the
ham. The rabbi said that he was not ready yet. When the priest finally
pressed him for an answer as to when he would finally give in and try the
ham, the Rabbi replied "at your wedding."
This guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter mees him at the pearly gates
and tells him to join a group of other newcomers to get the 10 cent tour.
After checking out a few rooms on the first floor, they get into an
elevator to see the rest of the place. As they get in, St. Peter tells
them to be especially quiet as they go by the 5 th floor. On the way
back down he warns them again to be very quiet as they go by the 5 th
floor. When they get to the street floor, our guy asks, 'why do we
have to be so quiet when we go by the 5 th floor?'. St. Peter replies
'that's where the Baptists are and they think they're the only ones here'!
What do you call an Iraqi with a sheep under one arm and a goat under
the other? (Bisexual.)
What do you call an Iraqi with a sheep under each arm? (A pimp.)
What do you call an Iraqi who has sex with donkeys? (Normal.)
On a completely different note, what did the aspiring Zen Buddhist say
to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
Who is the smallest man mentioned in the New Testament?
Peter.
(He slept on his watch)
When is the first mention of Baseball in the Bible?
Gensis, Chapter 1, verse 1.
"In the big inning, ..."
When is the first time motorcycles are mentioned in the bible?
When David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's Daughter.
(She drew a prophet from the rushes at the bank.)
(That's Moses, get it?)
I never knew the Bible as such a gold mine of comedy material.
Must be cuz it had such good writers!
When is tennis firt mentioned in the bible?
The Genesis account of when Joseph served in Pharoah's court
Why did the Detroit Pistons want to sign Sadam Hussain????
Because he's the only player who can shoot over Jordan.
A businessman is caught in Iraq and hauled off to jail as a spy.
After a few days he is taken to Saddam where he pleads for his life.
Saddam asks his mullah for advice and the mullah says:
"According to the ancient law of the land, this man can only prove
he is not a spy by doing the following 3 things:
1) He must drink an entire gallon of our strongest wine without
spilling a single drop, then,
2) He must pull a single tooth from of the mouth of our most
ravenous tiger, and finally,
3) He must make passionate love to the ugliest and oldest woman
in the land.
"Only then, said the mullah, can this man prove he is not a spy!".
So the man agrees to the test.
He drinks an entire gallon of wine and doesnt spill a drop!
Then, very drunk, he is thrown into a cage where a roaring tiger
jumps on him -- there's all this roaring and screaming as the tiger
and the businessman fight it out.
Finally, after more than a few hours, the businessman stumbles out
of the tiger's cage, drunk and bloodied, his clothes ripped off his
back and falls flat on his face at the feet of Saddam...
"Alright (hic!), the businessman says to Saddam, now where's that
old lady who wants a tooth pulled!".
--------------------------------
The Top 10 Rejected Life Saver Flavors
--------------------------------------
#10 Disembowelment
#9 Pineapple Noriega
#8 Marion Berry
#7 Fruit of the Loom
#6 Sonny & Cherry
#5 Anton Figg
#4 Steel Lock Washers
#3 Suck this
#2 ?
#1 Rashberry
I heard on CNN early this morning that the CIA has captured Saddam
Hussein's son an now they are going back to "Bag Dad" !!!
Q. Why is snow like sex?
A. Because you don't know how many inches you're going to get nor how
long it will last!
Everyday Miss Nun would ride from the convent into town to the market.
And as it happens one very persistent cop on a bike (Jan van der Merwe)
would let her pull over to the side of the road and administer a drunken-
ness test (breath-a-lyzer test) on Miss Nun.
This happens for 3 months, after which poor Miss Nun is almost in tears.
She tells Mother Superior of Bad Cop Van der Merwe and that she has to
do the breath-a-lyzer each day! Mother Superior calms Miss Nun down and
tells her that the following day she would accompany her to the town market.
Next day Miss Nun and Mother Superior on the way to the market and as per
usual Van lets her pull over. He parks his bike in front of the car, and
gets his ticket book out and walks over to the car, with Miss Nun and Mother
Superior inside....and (shock!) his pants drop down!
Mother Superior gawks at Miss Nun and exclaims, "So _this_ is the
breath-a-lyzer you talked about!"
You know you are getting old when:
- you go upstairs to the bathroom and wonder why your in there when you arrive
- the checkout girl at the supermarket says "plastic or paper" and you
answer "check"
- it takes you all night to do what you used to do all night
- you are out with the boys for a drink and you want to get home
by 11pm to watch the news
- you are at party and you don't fancy sleeping over in a sleeping
bag on the nice hard floor
- after your third beer you really fancy a cup of tea
- you dunk your biscuits in your tea
Q: Name 3 famous people who where shot in the back of the head?
1. Abraham Lincoln
2. John F. Kennedy
3. The person in the seat in front of Pee Wee Herman.
--------------------------------------------------
Complete Guide to
PARALLEL INTERFACE
for the
Computer Literate
Select your desired CPU and initiate your standard word
processing program to determine compatibility of this CPU
for interface.
(Helpful Hint: once CPU compatibility is established, you
may wish to determine a password which will initiate
immediate interface session signon. This avoids needless
future repetition of the word processing program).
Locate your CPU in a warm, comfortable location away from
drafts, dust, and unnecessary acoustical interference.
Place your CPU on a worksurface with sufficient support,
preferably at an ergonomically proper work height. It is
recommended that any surface on which you place your CPU be
covered with a static mat, or, if you choose to locate your
CPU on the floor, that the surface be protected by a carpet
with a static rating of 1.5KV or less.
Remove any software or peripherals from your mainframe and
that of your CPU (or at least remove software from the
lowercase mainframe) to expose the input/output devices. You
should fully monitor your CPU, preview its hardware and
locate input ports.
Decide upon the position in which your program session will
be executed: horizontal format or vertical format. (Note:
for horizontal format, determine which CPU will be in the
override position). At this time, it is helpful for both
CPUs to wrap tabs around the other to better accommodate
interlink.
Center the output CPU mouse between the tabs surrounding the
parallel port of the input CPU and merge.
Repeatedly toggle your mouse between back-up and return. It
is advised to monitor your CPU display for any signs of
glare. It is also advised to maintain your baud rate at a
reasonable level to prevent breaks. If all hardware systems
continue to function properly, at some point you will
achieve macro, at which time input of data will occur.
Once data transmission is complete, remove your mouse and
log out of the interface session. You will now begin the
recover phase.
Remember: There's no on-line HELP function, so easy DOS it!
GLOSSARY OF TERMS COMMONLY USED IN INTERFACE:
ABORT: deletion of copies created through parallel interface
BACK-UP: reverse line feed, removal of the mouse from the
parallel port (also called REMOVE, BACKSPACE)
BAUD RATE: speed at which parallel interface occurs
BITS: discrete particles of data (HINT: It is advised to
keep a static wipe handy to mop up any bits which might
escape onto the worksurface during parallel interface).
BREAK: an emergency interface session termination caused by
failure of hardware components
COMMANDS: word processing program blocks used by the CPU in
control
CONTROL: whichever CPU is initiating signon session (See
RULER)
COPY: a duplicate CPU which can be created through interface
CPU: Copulation Participatory Unit
CURSOR: a word processing program executed by incompatible
CPUs; also commonly heard if BREAK or ESCAPE sequence is
initiated during interface
DATA: transmissible particles of copy text
DISPLAY: portion of the uppercase mainframe where the
monitors and the word processing output device are stored
DOUBLE DENSITY: multiple interlinks during a single signon
session
DOUBLE SIDE: an attribute of interface in which more than
one position is used during interlink
DUST COVER: another term for software for your mainframe
ENTER: (See MERGE)
FLOPPY DISKS: a common attribute of input CPUs, not
advisable to be commented upon in the word processing
program
FOOTERS: a variation of interface in which certain lowercase
mainframe tabs are deployed (refer to ADVANCED FEATURES)
GLARE: a possible attribute of the input CPU display if
interlink is not acceptable
HARD DISK: a anomalous condition of the floppy disks;
suggest scheduling a maintenance/repair call
HARD DRIVE: an emergency line feed procedure which can be
initiated if the input CPU does not readily accept
connection with the ouput CPU mouse - NOT RECOMMENDED
OPERATING PROCEDURE (See also RAM)
HEADERS: a variation of interface in which the output CPU
inserts its mouse into the input CPUs word processing output
device
HIGH DENSITY: also known as "highly dense", a common
attribute of the computer literate, as shown by the need for
the creation of this manual
INPUT: transmission of data from output CPU to input CPU
INPUT CPU: the CPU (copulation participatory unit) which
receives data from the output CPU
INTERLINK: the act of connecting compatible CPUs through
parallel interface
LINE FEED: the action of insertion of the output CPU mouse
into the input CPU parallel port
LOG OUT: removal of the mouse upon termination of the
interface session
LOWERCASE: area of the mainframe where the mouse and mouse
pad are stored on the output CPU, and the parallel port is
stored on the input CPU
MACRO: the phase of interlink during which CPUs achieve
maximum sensory overload; also when output CPUs input data
to input CPUs
MAINFRAME: the hardware system of the CPU
MERGE: initiating interlink
MODEM: a slang term, short for "more of them", signifying
the desire of a CPU to initiate a signon interface session
or to create a double density interface session
MONOCHROME MONITOR: attribute given to analyzing your
mainframe or hardware in poor ambient lighting conditions,
leading to being only able to see the mainframe in black and
white.
MOUSE: a slang term for the output CPU's data transmission
device
MOUSE PAD: area of the mainframe on the output CPU where the
mouse is stored
ON: as in "Turn On", the act of preparing the input CPU for
interlink and data transmission
OUTPUT CPU: the CPU which transmits data to the input CPU
OVERRIDE: descriptive term for whichever CPU assumes the
superior position during parallel interface
PARALLEL INTERFACE: interlink between consenting CPUs
PARALLEL PORT: area of the mainframe on the input CPU into
which the mouse of the output CPU is inserted during
parallel interface
PAUSE: a short interval between interlinks in double density
signon sessions
PC Jrs: Slang term for CPU copies which can be created
through parallel interface if preventive precautions are not
taken (See Surge Protector)
PC PROGRAM: a Personal Copulation Program developed by a
CPU, usually involving a complex series of interface program
variations (NOTE: requires EXTENDED MEMORY)
PERIPHERALS: like software, additional coverings of the
mainframe, commonly connected to auditory input devices or
other tabs. (Examples: earrings, watch, necklace, etc.)
RAM: an emergency line feed procedure which can be initiated
if the input CPU does not readily accept interlink with the
ouput CPU mouse - NOT RECOMMENDED OPERATING PROCEDURE (See
also HARD DRIVE)
RECOVER: interval between initiation of new interface signon
sessions
RETURN: replacement of the output CPU mouse into the input
CPU parallel port after BACK-UP is executed (See BACK-UP)
ROM: (acronym for "Really Orgasmic, Man!"), describes the
sensory condition during the MACRO phase of parallel
interface during which the output CPU transmits data to the
input CPU
RULER: the CPU initiating interface signon
SELECT: the process of determining the compatibility of CPU
operating programs
SERIAL INTERFACE: interface between more than two CPUs
during a signon session (SEE ADVANCED FEATURES)
SHIFT: attribute of double sided interlink when the position
of one of the CPUs is edited
SIGNON SESSION: the interval during which parallel interface
occurs
SINGLE DENSITY: only one interlink during a signon session
SINGLE SIDE: attribute of interface in which only one
interlink position is employed
SOFTWARE: protective covering for your mainframe (see also
DUSTCOVERS and PERIPHERALS)
SURGE: flow of current into the mouse of the output CPU,
preparing the mouse for insertion into the input CPUs
parallel port
SURGE PROTECTOR: a protective covering for the output CPU's
mouse. Note: especially desirable to prevent viruses from
infiltrating CPU operating systems and for cancelling the
Copy program. (See PC Jrs).
TABS: protrusions of the mainframe allowing mobility and/or
sensory input, excluding the floppy disks and mouse.
(Examples: arms, legs, hands, feet)
TERMINATE: ending an interface session
UPPERCASE: portion of the mainframe where the display is
located, also where input CPU floppy disks are stored
VIRUS: a defective program transmitted through parallel
interface
WORD PROCESSING: a program initiated by either CPU to
determine compatibility, also used to issue commands during
interface
WRAP: placing mainframe tabs around your CPU to better
effect interlink
---------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is this a party school ?
A: Are you kidding ? They don't have tuition - just a cover charge and
a 2000 drink minimum !
Q] Why didnt Pee Wee wait till he got home before jerking off
at that movie in Sarasota ?
A] cos he heard they were giving away free passes for 10 extra movies
on a First COME first served basis.
"ring ring", "ring, ring"
"Hello"
"Hello, is that Mr Cord?"
"Yes"
"Can I talk to Spinal please?"
"Who?"
"Spinal, is he there?"
"There's nobody here by that name"
"Well do know when he'll be BACK?"
Years ago (and I mean *years*) when my brother and I shared a room, I had the
habit of going to bed very late. Actually, 3am was typical. He was (and still
is) a heavy sleeper but occasionally he would slowly wake from his slumber
while I was undressing. When I spied his eyes opening I would reverse my
actions (usually unbuttoning my shirt) and he would think it was morning and
he was late, as usual. I would then be entertained by him dressing, half
asleep, scrambling to the bathroom and shouting loudly when he realised that it
was pitch dark outside.
This went on for many years, until I left. Perhaps he still gets dressed at 3am
out of habit :-)
-----------------------------------------------------
The USENET Guide to Power Posting
1. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason
can't *possibly* be that you're a fuckhead. There's obviously
a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire
net a favor by exposing it. Be sure to mention the CIA, FBI
Oliver North and the Army as co-conspiritors.
2. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #1. Threatening a
lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that
I've posted to the wrong group, Charlie has libeled me, slandered
me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Charlie."
3. Force them to document their claims: Even if Jane Jones
states outright that she has menstrual cramps, you should demand
documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Jane's
cramps, then Jane's obviously lying.
4. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca
of USENET. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three
times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseam",
"vini, vidi, vici", "E Pluribus Unum" and "fetuccini alfredo".
5. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to
convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them?
State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America.
Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school.
"I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell
the word 'premeiotic' ".
6. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're
qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by
using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case
of penis envy."
7. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American
citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed
by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your
cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a Communist, a
fascist, or both.
8. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent,
have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should
have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST!
Call'em an AI project, to really piss them off.
9. Laugh at whatever they write. A good "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
should intimidate just about anyone.
10. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other rules, remember
this one. At some point during your wonderful career on USENET
you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is
better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your
arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point,
there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah?
Well, you do strange things with vegetables."
11. And, if all else fails, remember that you can always fall back on the
favorite defense of Soc.women: "Who cares what YOU think -- this
is Soc.WOMEN!". Add "DAMMIT!" for effect.
12. Be sure to have a cute signature that proclaims that you are a man
basher. No one will respect you unless it's clear that you hate
men.
13. Call'em a "Pman" if you can't think of anything. Tell the
linguists to stuff it -- YOU know a diminutive when you see it.
14. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies
sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly."
"Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."
15. Cross-post your article: Everyone on the net is just waiting for
the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From
rec.arts.wobegon to alt.gourmand, they're all holding their breaths
until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.
16. Use the smiley to your advantage. You can call anyone just about
anything as long as you include the smiley. On really nasty attacks
add "No flames, please". When they bitch, call them an ass for not
being able to recognize sarcasm when they see it.
17. Threaten to destroy Soc.men if your opponent refuses to give up.
This at least gives you an appearance of power, even if nobody on
the net gives a damn about what goes on in soc.men.
18. Should you post something exceedingly stupid and later regret it, don't
worry. You needn't cancel the article. That only shows what a wimp
you really are. Deny that you ever sent it. "It must be a
forgery!" (Yea, that's the ticket, it's a forgery!) "Someone broke
into my account and sent it!" "It's that damn backbone cabal out to
get me!" Take your pick, they've all been used before.
19. A really cheap shot is to call you opponent a "facist". By itself, it
really does nothing. But, when used often, and in enough articles,
it can make you a net-legend.
20. And finally, never edit your newsgroup line when following up (unless
you're expanding it). This drives 'em wild. Be sure to follow up as
many articles as possible, even if you have nothing to say. The
important thing is to get "exposure" so that you can be called a
"regular" in your pet newsgroup. Never change the ">" symbol when
following up; that's for wimps. Dump a hundred lines of "INEWS FODDER"
in every article.
Now that you know the ways to properly post on USENET, let's try
an example:
In article <1452@sab.ck>, Bill Netter writes:
> Dear Sally,
I object to your use of the word "dear". It shows you are a
condescending, sexist Pman. Also, the submissive tone you use shows
that you like to be tied down and flagellated with licorice whips.
> While I found your article "The Effect of Lint on Western Thought"
> to be extremely thought-provoking,
"Thought-provoking"? I had no idea you could think, you rotting piece
of swamp slime. :-) (No flames, please)
> it really shouldn't have been
> posted in Soc.women.
What? Are you questioning my judgment? I'll have you know that I'm
a member of the super-high-IQ society Menstruate. I got an 800 on my
PMS exam. Besides, what does a Pman like yourself know of such things.
This is Soc.WOMEN, DAMMIT!
Your attempts constitute nothing less than censorship. There is a
conspiracy against me. You, Colin, Charlie and the backbone cabal have been
constantly harassing me by email. This was an ad hominem attack! If this
doesn't stop at once, I'll crosspost a thousand articles to soc.men.
> Perhaps you should have posted it in misc.misc.
It is my right, as granted in the Bill of Rights, the Magna Carta, the
Bible and the Quran, to post where ever I want to. Or don't you
believe in those documents, you damn fascist? Perhaps if you didn't
spend so much time sacrificing virgins and infants to Satan, you would
have realized this.
> Your article would
> be much more appropriate there.
Can you document this? I will only accept documents notarized by my
attorney, and signed by you in your blood. Besides, you don't really exist
anyway, you Pseudo, you.
> If I can be of any help in the future, just drop me a line.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
> Bill.
Sally Sourpuss
"If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send them all?"
Soc.women Women WOMEN, DAMMIT!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------