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From mlindsey@X102A.UUCP Tue Jan 10 18:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: mlindsey@X102A.UUCP (Steve Lindsey 04396)
Subject: Some comments from Julius
Keywords: chuckle, sexual
Date: 11 Jan 89 00:30:06 GMT
These are all true Groucho Marx anecdotes garnered from "The Portable
Curmudgeon" compiled by Jon Winokur.
**********************************
Groucho Marx was having problems sexually (premature ejaculation).
Someone recommended a topical creme guaranteed to prolong erection. When asked
later whether it worked, Groucho replied, "I came rubbing the stuff on."
**********************************
A guest on Groucho Marx's "You Bet Your Life" television show was a
woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. "I love my husband," the
woman explained sheepishly.
"I love my cigar too," Groucho said, "but I take it out once in a
while."
--
Steve Lindsey
--
From jsb@actnyc.UUCP Thu Jan 12 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: jsb@actnyc.UUCP (The Invisible Man)
Subject: Anouncing badnews
Keywords: usenet, original, chuckle
Date: 13 Jan 89 00:30:05 GMT
Announcing badnews*, a realistic approach to Usenet.
Why badnews?
The news software currently in use freely mixes policy with mechanism and
actually creates obtacles for its user community. In practice, this inhibits
no one and merely results in frustration which, as has been clinically proved,
leads to aggression. The time has come to give users what they really want.
Badnews fixes the following bugs in previous news software:
1) Due to a bug, previous news read/post programs limited the 'cancel' command
to the users own postings. Badnews fixes this problem.
2) Previous signatures were limited to 4 lines. Badnews supports arbitrarily
large signatures. If your signature is too small, badnews will pad it with
such cute sayings as "flames >/dev/null" and the like.
3) Previous software insisted that followup additions be longer than included
text. In this interim release, badnews fixes this restriction by
automatically generating extra lines of cute sayings like "inews fodder".
4) To avoid wasting bandwidth caused by articles failing to reach their
intended target, badnews will refuse to post articles not crossposted to
at least 4 newsgroups.
5) Due to a design error, previous news software actually discouraged thoughtful
postings and selected for ego-maniacs and one-true-wayists by trying to
intimidate the poster asking if they "really wanted to do this". Badnews
will be more supportive and say "Thank you for sharing."
6) Current software encourages a bandwidth wasting redundancy by requiring a
'Subject:' line when the actual subject (if any) can always be inferred
from the article itself. Badnews eliminates this redundancy by
automatically generating a contentless or irrelevant 'Subject:' such as
"Help needed", "Posting", or "This line intentionally left blank".
New commands available:
1) The 'Sue' command automatically initiates a lawsuit against the author of
the currently read message.
2) The 'Expand' command automatically decrypts many common abbreviations which
may appear in the currently read message, such as: IMHO, PC, SO, BTW, MOTAS,
BMW, MES
3) The 'Suicide' command automatically deposits the users name in other
users' kill files. In this interim release, this command is limited to
adding your name to Ted Kaldis's kill file.
4) The 'Notify' command contacts powerful people associated with the currently
read message. Current options include: notify employer, notify sysadmin,
and notify the press.
5) The 'Sexchange' command automatically switches the genders in the message
currently being read. The interim release limits this function to two
genders.
New posting aids:
Many postings are actually the same or similar to messages sent before. In
order to make such duplication easier, Badnews provides automatic posting on
common topics selected from a menu. Menus currently available will cover
1) Hoaxes/urban legends
2) Requests for money
3) Jokes about strings
4) Commonly asked questions (e.g. How do I get my current directory to print
out in my prompt?)
5) A SERIOUS DILEMMA FOR THE NET
6) Appropriate flames to respond to the user using 1-5 above
7) Appropriate counter flame to respond to user using 6 above
Future enhancements will include:
1) Kill with prejudice which will notify via mail (with appropriate nasty
epithets) the author of any article being killed.
2) Kill by gender, ethnic group, political slant
3) Auto-forge to fake the header of real or non-existent persons.
4) The 'Pull' command to pull another user's net account.
5) Kill with extreme prejudice, to actually terminate the life of a user.
6) Starwars, to build a shield to protect oneself from 1-5 above.
Followups or requests for Beta versions should go to alt.paranoid.
* Badnews is a trademark of Charletanics
--
From danny@masscomp.UUCP Sun Jan 15 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: danny@masscomp.UUCP (Dan Pearl)
Subject: David's LAST Wish
Keywords: original, funny
Date: 15 Jan 89 11:30:04 GMT
Organization: Concurrent Computer Corp. - Westford, Ma
{ed Forwarded from misc.misc by Jamie Walsh.}
>From the Winchendon Observer, 19 December 1988:
12 Year Old Guinness Record Holder Dead
(AP) December 18, 1988 - Streetly, England - Mario Morby, a 12 year old
record holder in the "Guinness Book of World Records", was killed yesterday
when he asphyxiated under the weight of hundreds of thousands of postcards
that accidentally toppled on him. Morby, a cancer patient currently
in remission, collected the postcards from supporters all over the world
who took sympathy on his condition. The bulk of Morby's collection,
estimated at over 2 million with 30,000 arriving daily, was turned over
to an auction house for disposal. Morby had retained about 500,000 of
the nicer ones.
Florida Child's Wish Come True, Inc. publicized Mario's
wish for postcards. "Had we realized the trouble that we caused,
we would have never gotten involved," said Frances Keefe, the founder of
the Spring Hill, Florida organization that specializes in satisfying the
last wishes of dying children. They used the pseudonym "David" when
requesting postcards on Morby's behalf. "It makes us heartsick," Keefe
continued, "to realize that we have contributed to this gentle child's
death. He was in remission, and his spirits were up. Those postcards
were his life."
Morby's body was discovered by the family dog, who notified
the district constable. Foul play is not suspected.
Ross McWhirter, author of the "Guinness Book of World Records", said in
a prepared statement that "it is ironic that Morby's record has been
overshadowed by that of another boy named 'David' who is dying of
leukemia. In tribute to Morby, however, we have decided to enter him
in a new catagory in the mid-year 1989 update edition:
'Most Senseless Death'."
Contributions in Morby's memory may be made to Florida Child's Wish
Come True, Inc., P.O. Box 5997, Spring Hill, FL, USA.
--
Daniel Pearl ...!uunet!masscomp!danny
--
From bogart%gr@cs.utah.edu Mon Jan 16 05:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: bogart%gr@cs.utah.edu (Rod G. Bogart)
Subject: pirate's interview
Keywords: heard it, smirk
Date: 16 Jan 89 11:30:03 GMT
The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who
was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red,
"I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg."
"Well, I was thrown from the ship during galeforce winds, and before me
mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off."
The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the
end of your right arm?"
"I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard."
Again the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting
story about the patch on your eye?"
"One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and crapped in me eye."
The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?"
"Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.
From argyriou@violet.Berkeley.EDU Mon Jan 16 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: argyriou@violet.Berkeley.EDU (Anthony Argyriou)
Subject: Communist Quiz (Not "Who won the F.A. cup?")
Keywords: chuckle, offense=trotskyites
Date: 17 Jan 89 00:30:04 GMT
(48pt) ME? A GREAT LEADER?
(12 pt) "ME, START A VANGUARD PARTY TO LEAD THE WORKING CLASS TO
REVOLUTION? YOU MUST BE KIDDING!"
JUST IMAGINE BEING A RESPECTED AND BELOVED FATHERLY LEADER UNDER WHOSE
WISE GUIDANCE THE REVOLUTIONARY MASSES WILL FORGE AHEAD DAILY WITH THE
FIERY ZEAL OF A "SPEED-UP" CAMPAIGN!!!!
(10 pt)
Over the past few years, Party Builders Associates has aided countless
individuals and groups to form vanguard parties intelligently tailored
to their own needs. These people are now leading creative, happy lives
fighting one another. What we've done for others, we can do for you.
A few minutes filling out the following questionnaire may be the best
investment you'll ever make. Your answers will enable Party Builders
Associates, preserving strict confidentiality, to work out a party
program that is JUST RIGHT for you and your friends.
And now, here's the questionnaire. We advise using a pencil, since these
are by no means easy questions, and your party will not be able to alter
the positions taken here without seriously damaging your credibility
among the workers.
1) The Russian Revolution turned away from socialism in:
___(a) 1917
___(b) 1927
___(c) 1953
___(d) 1957
___(e) It hasn't yet, but my group will be te first to denounce it when it does
2) Black people are:
___(a) A nation
___(b) A nation of a new type
___(c) A super-exploited sector of the working class
___(d) Petit-bourgeios
___(e) A colony
___(f) Please send me more information about this controversial group
3) The main danger facing the workers' vanguard in the present epoch is:
___(a) Right opportunism
___(b) "Left" sectarianism
___(c) Right opportunism masking as "left" sectarianism
___(d) My parents
___(e) Other (please specify)
4) Rather than focus on narrow economic issues, my party will offer a cultural
critique of life in advanced capitalist countries. The following are signs of
capitalist decadence:
___(a) Feminism
___(b) Trotskyism
___(c) Pornographic movies
___(d) Recent price increases in pornographic movies
___(e) Other (please give exact details)
5) I would like to include the following in the title of my party:
___(a) Labor
___(b) Workers
___(c) Revolutionary
___(d) Socialist
___(e) Communist
___(f) Vanguard
___(g) Progressive
___(h) October(November)
___(i) United
___(j) International
___(k) World
___(l) Movement
___(m) M
___(n) L
___(o) All of the above
[reprinted from "The Fifth Estate", Detroit, MI, whatever the hell that is]
[ Reputedly now defunct ]
--
From bill@ssbn.WLK.COM Tue Jan 17 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: bill@ssbn.WLK.COM (Bill Kennedy)
Subject: Conventioneers
Keywords: heard it, chuckle, sexual
Date: 18 Jan 89 00:30:05 GMT
Three conventioneers had finally managed to tire their wives to go back to
the hotel and finally located a house of negotiable affection. The madam
was crestfallen.
"Sorry fellows, all the girls are busy... No one left but me."
"Gee, we spent most of the evening getting rid of our wives and we're leaving
tomorrow, isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well there's always me, I give specials..."
The first guy decided he'd go for it and when he came back downstairs he had
a grin ear to ear.
"How was it? How much was it?"
"It was great! I got the $25 special. She has this can of Readi-Whip and
she sprays it all around and then licks it off, great!"
The second fellow doesn't hesitate, bolts up the stairs and is back after a
while, grinning like the first.
"How was it? How much was it?"
"It was super! I got the $50 special. Same as Jack, the Readi-Whip, but
she had some chopped walnuts that she sprinkled on it. Nibbled off the
walnuts and licked off the Readi-Whip, faantaaastic!"
The third could not be constrained, he raced up the stairs and came back
shortly thereafter, chin between his knees.
"Gosh! What happened? What went wrong?"
"Well, I got the $75 special, kinda like what you guys got but she starts
with a pineapple ring. Then there's the Readi-Whip, the chopped walnuts,
but she's got some chocolate sprikles and a cherry she puts on top. Damn!
it looked so good I ate it myself..."
--
Bill Kennedy ...{killer,att,cs.utexas.edu,sun!daver}!ssbn!bill
or bill@ssbn.WLK.COM
--
From coltoff@prc.unisys.com Wed Jan 18 18:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: coltoff@prc.unisys.com (Joel Coltoff)
Subject: Let's pick on the ecomomists
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 19 Jan 89 00:30:03 GMT
An economist is back in his old college town many years after
graduation and decides to drop in on one of his old professors. He
happens to see a copy of an exam sitting on the desk so he picks
it up to look at it. Upon deciding that it looks familiar he comments
to the professor that it is the same exam that he had taken 10 years
ago. The professor assures him that this is correct but adds that
this time the answers are different.
--
From toddm@tekig5.PEN.TEK.COM Thu Jan 19 05:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: toddm@tekig5.PEN.TEK.COM (Todd Mount PO Box 500)
Subject: Longevity...
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 19 Jan 89 11:30:05 GMT
(Original source unknown)
One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his
doctor was amazed.
"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of
any 64 year old I have ever examined!"
"Did I say I was 64?"
"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"
"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"
"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old
was your father when he died?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"You mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"
"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your
grandfather live?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"No! You can't mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"
"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would
want to get married at that age!"
"Did I say he _wanted_ to get married?..."
--
From ericco%sag4.ssl.Berkeley.EDU@jade.berkeley.edu Thu Jan 19 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: ericco%sag4.ssl.Berkeley.EDU@jade.berkeley.edu (Eric C. Olson)
Subject: The Chairman
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 20 Jan 89 00:30:05 GMT
>From former chairman of the US Federal Reserve Paul Volcker according
to the Wall Street Journal:
A parrot fancier who happened into a London pet shop noticed a
particularly colorful bird and asked its price.
"Five thousand pounds," the shop owner replied.
"Five thousand pounds?" the man asked. "Why so much?"
"Well, this bird speaks fluent Italian, Spanish and French, is
brushing up on his German and starting to study English," came the
reply. "With the European Community's unicifation due in 1992, he'll
be a great asset."
"I don't care about the Common Market," the parrot fancier said.
"What about that gray one in that other cage?"
The gray one was 15,000 pounds, he was told, because the bird spoke
Arabic, Chinese, and Korean and was learning Japanese -- "the
languages of the 21st century."
"I'm too old to worry about the 21st century," the frustrated parrot
lover replied. "What about that mangy brown one up on that perch in
the corner?"
The brown one, said the shopkeeper, was 25,000 pounds.
"Twenty-five thousand pounds!" exclaimed the customer. "What does
he do to worth that?"
"We're not sure," the pet-shop owner replied. "But the other two
call him chairman."
--
Eric C. Olson
ericco@sag4.ssl.berkeley.edu
--
From hack@merkin.cactus.org Fri Jan 20 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: hack@merkin.cactus.org (Greg Hackney)
Subject: Mortal talks with God
Keywords: smirk, heard it
Date: 20 Jan 89 11:30:04 GMT
Mortal: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second...
--
From srt@aerospace.aero.org Sat Jan 21 02:20:18 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: srt@aerospace.aero.org
Subject: Top Ten Earthquake Lines
Keywords: original, topical, chuckle, gross
Date: 21 Jan 89 08:20:18 GMT
[On the 18th, Southern California was rocked with an earthquake that
registered 5.0 on the Richter Scale.]
Top Ten Lines Associated With Last Night's Earthquake
10. Was it good for you?
9. I guess Oprah's off her diet.
8. What's that Scotsman doing in that alley?
7. Oh no, not *another* Apocalypse.
6. I told you that was Mary Lou Retton.
5. Whoa! Who dropped the soap?
4. Jesus Christ, is that a body? That's Jimmy Hoffa!
3. The King *is* alive.
2. It is I, *System Administrator Man*!
And the Number One Line heard during last night's earthquake:
1. Did you fart?
-- Scott Turner
--
From cplai@daisy.UUCP Mon Jan 23 05:30:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: cplai@daisy.UUCP (Chung-Pang Lai)
Subject: Practice joke
Keywords: sexual, smirk
Date: 23 Jan 89 11:30:07 GMT
Once upon a time, there was a village.
The people in the village were extremely conservative. No one talked
about sex. Newlyweds had to figure out how to do such business on
their own because no one ever talked about it in their lifetime.
A mischievous couple decided to pull a practical joke on a pair of
people getting married.
The man pulled the groom-to-be aside and talked to him privately:
"I know it is not appropriate to talk to you about sex life. But
you are getting married soon, I don't want you to get hurt."
"What is it? What is it? Let me know," the ignorant groom eagerly asked.
The man first told him what sex was all about. And he said,
"But ... , you have to be careful. Some women grow teeth in their
'private place'. Some poor men have lost their valuable body part to
these ruthless jaws."
"How should I find out? What should I do on the first night?"
"Fear not, young man. Let me tell you what to do. Don't take
any risks. On the first night, test her first with your knee."
The woman also talked to the bride-to-be in private:
"You are getting married soon. I cannot resist warning you..."
The bride also eagerly asked for advice.
The woman first explained to her what would happen in bed the first
night, then she said, "Some men have a HUGE life-threatening penis.
If you have sex with this type of man, you may not survive."
"Oh, please help me. What should I do?" The bride was scared.
"Well, let me tell you what I did on my first night," she lied.
"I sharpened my finger nails and put my hand in front of my
vulnerable spot, and grabbed anything that approached."
In the wedding night, the shy newlywed slipped into bed in pitch
darkness. Moments later, both screamed in horror.
... And they slept separately ever after.
{ed Are teeth-in-vagina jokes becoming a new genre? I rejected several
of them, but I thought I would try this. Don't send me yours.}
--
From dwv@ihuxz.UUCP Tue Jan 24 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: dwv@ihuxz.UUCP
Subject: A priest and his parrot
Keywords: sexual, heard it, smirk
Date: 24 Jan 89 11:30:04 GMT
This man had a parrot. This parrot knew only one sentence,
which was "Let's make love." The parrot said it all the time,
embarassing the owner to no end.
Finally, He went to his parish preist and told him of his parrot
problem. The priest repleid, "I have a parrot who also only knows
one sentence. He always says, 'Let up pray.' Bring your parrot over
Sunday after mass, and I'm sure your parrot will be praying by the
end of the day."
So, as directed, The owner brought the parrot over to the rectory
after mass. The parrot, spying the priests parrot, opened his mouth
and blurted out "Let's make Love."
The priest's parrot closed his eyes, looked up at heaven and said,
"my prayers have been answered."
--
From jdd@db.toronto.edu Wed Jan 25 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: jdd@db.toronto.edu (John D. DiMarco)
Subject: Margaret Thatcher joke
Keywords: smirk
Date: 25 Jan 89 11:30:04 GMT
Here's a joke my uncle told me:
Through some cosmic fluke, Reagan, Thatcher, and Gorbachev all died on
the same day. Off they went to the gates of Heaven. Peter, seeing that
these were all VIPs, sent them straight off to the Almighty.
God, sitting on his throne, called up Reagan.
"Ronald, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"
"I tried to improve the US economy", replied Reagan, "and I did my best to
benefit the nation."
"Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my right hand."
And so Reagan sat at his right.
God then called up Gorbachev.
"Mikhail, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"
"I tried to make Soviet society more open", replied Gorbachev, "and I did
my best to improve the Soviet economy."
"Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my left hand."
And so Gorbachev sat at his left.
God then called up Thatcher.
"Margaret, my daughter, what have you to say for yourself?"
"Only two things", replied Thatcher.
"First of all, I'm not your daughter. Secondly, get out of my chair!"
John
--
From tr@djinn.bellcore.com Thu Jan 26 04:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: tr@djinn.bellcore.com (tom reingold)
Subject: Duct Tape
Keywords: sick, chuckle, rot13
Date: 26 Jan 89 10:30:05 GMT
Jul qb lbh unir gb jenc qhpg gncr nebhaq n treovy?
Fb gung vg qbrfa'g rkcybqr jura lbh fbqbzvmr vg.
--
Tom Reingold
--
From rsalz@pineapple.bbn.com Thu Jan 26 05:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: rsalz@pineapple.bbn.com (Rich Salz)
Subject: Decline of the Romans
Keywords: smirk
Date: 26 Jan 89 11:30:03 GMT
>From Mark Brader's <msb@sq.com> .signature:
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
their C programs." -- Robert Firth
--
From 16016_1127@uwovax.uwo.ca Mon Jan 30 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: 16016_1127@uwovax.uwo.ca (John Palmer)
Subject: The PLO
Keywords: original, smirk
Date: 30 Jan 89 11:30:04 GMT
I have been subjected to the biases and special pleadings of the
artsy-fartsy culture vultures long enough. They sneer at anything which isn't
in their own mold (mould?) of avante-gardishness. They perpetuate stupid jokes
by laughing at people who quite seriously say, "I may not know much about....
but I know what I like."
It is time for the rest of us to revolt against this claptrap of
self-indulgent behaviour which passes itself off as "the actualization of
one's self potential," and which somehow has unfortunately [in Canuckland,
at least] bedeviled enough politicians that fully 65.7% of our tax dollars
go to supporting these alleged artistes through direct grants and purchases
of junk that any sensible person would pay someone else to haul off to the
municipal landfill site. It is time for a new organization to be formed
to aid this revolution. To that end, I hereby announce the formation of
The P.L.O.
The Philistine Liberation Organization welcomes as new members
anyone who supports this cause. The basic tenets of the PLO are divided
into two general categories: things we like and things we don't like. An
overall score of 80% qualifies you for membership.
Things we like:
1. Montovani's music - great stuff, easy listening.
2. McDonald's burgers - great taste, fast service, ok price.
3. Vinyl instead of leather for gloves, clothing, upholstery, etc.
- cheaper, requires less care, more durable.
4. Canadian wine - good high for the buck.
5. Shopping at K-mart - hey, they got some good stuff there, ya know.
6. Commodore 64s - good games and they're real computers, too.
7. Shopping Mall landscape art - ain't it amazing how real that stuff looks.
8. Barry Manilow's songs - they capture the true meaning of life.
9. Hockey Night in Canada, Monday Night ____ball, etc. - great entertainment.
10. "If I have to go to a 'concert', I hope they play some marches - you
know, something I can hum along with and tap my feet to."
Things we don't like:
1. Real flowers - they wilt and need care - plastic's much better.
2. BMW's, Mercedes, etc. - I'll take an Econoline any day.
3. Gourmet food - so little food, such bad tastes, such high prices!
4. 100% wool or cotton - they require too much and too costly care - give me
polyester or acrylic any day.
5. Symphony orchestra concerts - especially playing 20th century music.
6. Real wood furniture - vinyl laminate is easier to care for and harder
to damage.
7. Birkenstock Sandals - footware of the truly effete snobs.
8. "Serious" drama - hey, for $25 it had better make me laugh a lot.
9. Pictures that aren't pictures of anything.
10. "Cocktail" parties that serve only Perrier and vegetables.
Want to join the P.L.O.? ok, you're probably already a member then.
Want to add to the tenets? E-mail your suggestions to me, and I'll keep a
list.
--
-=John Palmer (519)-661-3533=-
--
From brad@cs.utexas.edu Mon Jan 30 18:30:06 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: brad@cs.utexas.edu
Subject: Don't talk that way to a mother....
Keywords: true, funny, sexual
Date: 31 Jan 89 00:30:06 GMT
On the subject of interns examining overweight women, the symptoms of
pregnancy are often masked by obesity. The brother-in-law of a friend
told me the first part of this story; my cousin told me the second.
Both are now doctors, and both assured me that the stories are true.
In attempting to do a vaginal/cervical exam on a very overweight woman
the intern could not make room to do his work. He finally enlisted
the aid of two orderlies who wrapped the woman's legs in sheets and
pulled them apart. Still not having enough room, the intern pushed a
chair between her legs and made his diagnosis:
"You're pregnant," he said. "But how you got that way without two
sheets and a chair is beyond me."
After making a similar comment, my cousin was informed by the
patient, "You're not the first short-dick white boy to tell me that."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.
From ccj@raybed2.RAY.COM Tue Jan 31 02:20:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: ccj@raybed2.RAY.COM (CHRISTOPHER CHENEY)
Subject: Dan Quayle again -- can't you folks get enough?
Keywords: smirk, topical
Date: 31 Jan 89 08:20:04 GMT
(Heard this joke from a Mike Dukakis field worker.)
What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
A Dan Quayle watch.
--
From jem@latcs1.oz.au Tue Jan 31 05:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: jem@latcs1.oz.au (Joan McGalliard)
Subject: New Punchline to old joke
Keywords: computer, funny
Date: 31 Jan 89 11:30:03 GMT
Organization: Comp Sci, La Trobe Uni, Australia
Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer
salesman?
A: The car salesman can probably drive!
--
joan
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From rostamia@umbc3.UMBC.EDU Tue Jan 31 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: rostamia@umbc3.UMBC.EDU (Rouben Rostamian)
Subject: Problems like these
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, heard it, chuckle, swearing, sexual
Date: 1 Feb 89 00:30:04 GMT
Organization: Univ of Maryland Baltimore County
Here is a joke from the March issue of Playboy: {ed But they didn't write it.}
An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood
bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and
asked him if anything was wrong.
"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband
wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his wife."
"So stop," the barkeep said.
"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't
sign his name!"
--
Rouben Rostamian
Department of Mathematics
University of Maryland Baltimore Counnty
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