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From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: dale@amc-vlsi.UUCP
Subject: Sexist joke. Don't decrypt if you are a feminist. I mean it.
Summary: I really mean it. Don't decrypt this one.
Keywords: sexist, sexist, rot13, chuckle
Date: 13 Oct 88 09:30:06 GMT
Jul ner gurer fb znal ubzrf sbe onggrerq jbzra?
Orpnhfr gurl whfg qba'g shpxvat yvfgra!!
[ Frr, V gbyq lbh, naq lbh qrpelcgrq vg naljnl. Fb lbh xabj jung V
jvyy qb jvgu nal pbzcynvagf. (V unir na rkgen ynetr /qri/ahyy)
Nygubhtu lbh pbhyq nyfb gnxr guvf nf n wbxr nobhg gur vqvbpl bs zra jub
orng jbzra. Lrnu, gung'f gur gvpxrg. ]
--
.
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: herlihy@K.GP.CS.CMU.EDU (Maurice Herlihy)
Subject: Quayle
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 13 Oct 88 10:30:03 GMT
>From the New York Times:
Q: What were Dan Quayle's three hardest years?
A: Second grade.
--
.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: richard@gryphon.CTS.COM (Richard Sexton)
Subject: Greek Horses?
Keywords: funny, heard it
Date: 13 Oct 88 15:30:04 GMT
Ok, did you hear this one:
Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, thwo cars both slightly cross
over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a
fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It's
impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however.
They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls
the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.
It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The laywer offers
the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts,
drinks and hands it back to the laywer, who puts it away.
``Arnt you going to have a drink ?'' the doctor says.
``AFTER the police get here'' replies the lawyer.
--
.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jailbird@ihlpm.UUCP
Subject: Yuppies and Oral Sex
Keywords: maybe, sexual
Date: 14 Oct 88 03:30:04 GMT
My gal pal told me this one:
Q: What do yuppies call mutual oral sex?
A: Sixty-something.
---
Ron D. Harvey ..!att!ihlpm!jailbird
[ I rejected this one a long time ago, but it has shown up more frequently
so I guess there's more to it than I thought at first. ]
--
.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: richter@milano.UUCP (Charlie Richter)
Subject: Quayle rehabilitation
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 14 Oct 88 10:30:04 GMT
Psychiatrists are now recommending a new therapy, called "Quayle
rehabilitation," for certain disturbed patients. In Quayle rehab,
the patient compares himself to Jack Kennedy and hopes all his
problems go away.
-- Charlie Richter, MCC, Austin, Texas
--
.
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: wanttaja@ssc-vax.UUCP (Ronald J Wanttaja)
Subject: The Pope bites the bit one
Keywords: pun, smirk, sexual
Date: 14 Oct 88 15:30:04 GMT
Q. What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye shot him...
--
.
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: sethg@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Seth Gordon)
Subject: Yet another campaign joke
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 15 Oct 88 08:30:07 GMT
At the Republican convention, some radicals presented themselves as an
"organization," "Draft Dodgers for Quayle." One of them quipped:
"The GOP nominated a drug dealer and a draft dodger... and
*they* think *we're* caught up in the Sixties?!"
--
.
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: tart@reed.UUCP (Stephanie Shelton)
Subject: Opium is the religion of the masses.
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, smirk
Date: 16 Oct 88 15:30:03 GMT
Organization: Reed College, Portland OR
Here's a few I read in some verysmalledition book of Soviet Anecdotes.
An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages.
Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it.
"Thank God," she says.
A man in the seat behind her says "Ecxuse me comerade, but this is an athiest
society. You should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'"
"Of course you are right," the old woman says. "Thank Stalin." She is
silent for a moment, then says: "Comerade, I have just had a terrible thought:
What shall we say when Stalin dies?"
The man behind her replies "In that case I think we can say 'Thank God.'"
--
.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: johnd@physiol.su.oz.au (John Dodson)
Subject: Amusing ? item for sale
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 17 Oct 88 03:30:04 GMT
Organization: Physiology Dept., Univ. of Sydney, NSW, Australia
I saw this in the For Sale column of our local newspaper...
( some parts have been censored ;-)
Cemetary Plot, No. XXX, C of E Section,
XXXXXXXX Cemetary, $150. Phone XXX XXXX
I wondered if it was used or if the seller had decided not to go after all.
johnd@physiol.su.oz
--
.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: dba@ihlpe.UUCP
Subject: Baseball and hot dogs
Keywords: topical, funny
Date: 17 Oct 88 08:30:06 GMT
P.S. Heard on David Letterman:
You know, baseball was an exhibition sport in the Olympics this
year. Much as it was in Baltimore.
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: sandell@batcomputer.UUCP (Gregory Sandell)
Subject: [ ethnic ] ventriloquist
Keywords: smirk, heard it, swearing
Date: 17 Oct 88 15:30:03 GMT
A ventriloquist in a nightclub is telling a series of [ethnic]
jokes. He plays straight man while the little dummy on his knee poses
the riddles and answers questions. After many of these, a doddering
old man gets up from his chair and shouts, "Will you just knock it off!"
Everyone in the room turns to look and the ventriloquist stops. "I'm
just sick and tired of all these idiodic [ethnic] jokes that try to
make [ethnic]s look so stupid! 'How many [ethnics] does it take to
screw in a lightbulb?'... 'There was an Italian, a Jew and an [ethnic]...'
and so on! Well just stop it, because we [ethnics] proud of our
heritage, our contribution to civilization and the great intellects
we have produced!" The club is silent as the old man sits down
angrily. Finally, the ventriloquist, in a conciliatory tone, says,
"Sir, I am really sorry to cause such an offense. I really didn't
intend to hurt anybody's feelings at all. I just want everyone to
have a nice time and enjoy themselves, and the last thing I want
to do is make someone upset. Would you accept my apology?"
The old man gets up suddenly and exclaims, "It's not *you* I'm
talking to, you fool, it's that little bastard on your knee!!"
Greg Sandell
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jss2z@uvacs.cs.virginia.edu (Jeffrey S. Salowe)
Subject: Poor Ben
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 18 Oct 88 03:30:04 GMT
I heard this joke from a friend, and he attributed it to another friend.
This is purported to be a true quotation.
Prior to the World Championships in Rome, Ben Johnson was asked whether
he would prefer a gold medal or a world record. He said that he would
prefer a gold medal because "no one can ever take it away from me."
Jeff Salowe
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: smv@apollo.COM (Steve Valentine)
Subject: Vollyballocracy
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 18 Oct 88 08:30:07 GMT
>From Dennis Miller's Saturday Night News on Saturday Night Live 10/8/88:
We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
--
.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: dale@sp7040.UUCP (Dale Clark)
Subject: First Day in Prison joke.
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, sexual, swearing, rot13
Date: 18 Oct 88 09:30:04 GMT
Organization: Unisys, Salt Lake City, UT
Znex Ubsszna (n jryy xabja jrveq-b va Hgnu) jnf frag gb cevfba naq cynprq
va n pryy jvgu n uhtr, oheyrl thl. Jura yvtugf-bhg bppheerq, gur
ovt thl tbg bhg bs uvf ohax naq fnvq gb Ubsszna,
"Jr'er tbvat gb unir frk! Lbh jnag gb or gur Zbzzvr be gur Qnqqvr?"
N irel greevsvrq Ubsszna ercyvrq,
"Hu, jryy, V thrff V'yy or gur Qnqqvr."
Gura gur oheyrl thl fnvq,
"BX gura, trg qbja urer naq fhpx lbhe Zbzzn'f qvpx!"
--
.
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: leonard%iros1.UUCP%mcgill-vision.UUCP@Larry.McRCIM.McGill.EDU (Nicolas Leonard)
Subject: About speed...
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 18 Oct 88 15:30:03 GMT
Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their
fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow,
and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter.
He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then
says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant.
He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
--
.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: johnl@ima.ISC.COM (John R. Levine)
Subject: Election day follies
Keywords: topical, true
Date: 19 Oct 88 07:20:03 GMT
We had a primary here a few weeks ago. Herbert Connolly, a candidate
for reelection to the Governor's Council (a largely ceremonial body
dating from the 1600s) lost by one vote, to Robert B. ("No relation")
Kennedy, 14,716 to 14,715.
Now it turns out that Connolly was so busy campainging that he
neglected to go and vote for himself. Who says your vote doesn't
count?
Well, I thought it was funny.
Regards,
John Levine, johnl@ima.isc.com
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: brd@cornell.UUCP (Bruce Randall Donald)
Subject: Economists
Keywords: smirk
Date: 19 Oct 88 15:30:03 GMT
A former student of Derrida's told this story while making some point
about narrative:
Two cannibals had just cooked up a missionary, and were having dinner.
The first says to the second, "Hey, what do you think of this
missionary?" The second replies, "Quite tasty; much better than those
porkpies they used to serve us at the London School of Economics."
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: steve@oakhill.UUCP (steve)
Subject: Re: Trains.
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, heard it, chuckle
Date: 20 Oct 88 03:30:04 GMT
Organization: Motorola Inc. Austin, Tx
I heard this one from a dissident that our local Amnesty International
group got out:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Through the center of Czechoslovakia there a train speeding along. In one
compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young
woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident.
Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel.
It is completely dark.
Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.
When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his
face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.
The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Russian
soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"
The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier, he'd
rather kiss that old hag than me."
The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steal the kiss
and I get slapped."
And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the
tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a
Russian soldier."
Steven R Weintraub
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: evan@telly.UUCP (Evan Leibovitch)
Subject: big ben speeding again?
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 20 Oct 88 07:20:03 GMT
Organization: System telly, Brampton, Ontario
TORONTO, Oct 3, 1988 - Ben Johnson was charged today with speeding. His
Ferrari was clocked significantly higher than the 100km/h limit on highway
401 (similar to an interstate, but about 14 lanes wide).
And no, his gasoline has not been tested for illegal additives.
--
Evan Leibovitch
--
.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: DOHC@TUCCVM.BITNET (Bob Roberds)
Subject: The Churchill Wit -The Untold Story
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, laugh, swearing, rot13
Date: 20 Oct 88 09:30:06 GMT
Organization: Triangle Universities Computation Center
Jvafgba Puhepuvyy unf unq n ahzore bs jvggl dhvcf nggevohgrq gb uvz, ohg
gur snpg vf gung va fbzr pnfrf jung ur fnvq naq jung ur vf fhccbfrq gb
unir fnvq ner dhvgr qvssrerag. Urer ner fbzr rknzcyrf bs jung JP ernyyl
hggrerq:
1. Jvafgba Puhepuvyy jnf trggvat n ovg gvcfl ng n ubvgl-gbvgl fbpvny
qvaare jura gur ntvat ubfgrff, Ynql Fbzrguvat-Ulcurangrq, fnvq, "Jvafgba,
lbh'er qehax!" Gb juvpu Puhepuvyy ercyvrq, "V znl or qehax, ohg lbh
ner htyl, fb shpx lbh."
2. Ng n fvzvyne shapgvba, gur ntvat ubfgrff erznexrq, "Jvafgba, vs lbh
jrer zl uhfonaq, V jbhyq chg cbvfba va lbhe pbssrr." Gb juvpu gur ovt
zna ercyvrq, "Fhpx zl qvpx."
3. Gura gurer jnf gur gvzr ng gur Cbgfqnz Pbasrerapr jura Cerfvqrag Gehzna
onetrq vagb Puhepuvyy'f ebbz qrznaqvat gb frr uvz vzzrqvngryl. JP'f
inyrg cebgrfgrq gung gur Cevzr Zvavfgre jnf va gur ongu. "V qba'g pner,"
Gehzna ergbegrq, "trg uvz bhg urer!" Fb Puhepuvyy ohefg vagb gur ebbz,
qevccvat jrg naq fgnex anxrq, naq vagbarq, "Jung ner _lbh_ fgnevat ng, ubzb?"
======================================================================
EBOREG EBOREQF QBUP@GHPPIZ.OVGARG
--
.
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: mitchell@tekigm2.TEK.COM (Mitchell Levy)
Subject: Japanese Management
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 20 Oct 88 15:30:05 GMT
Organization: Tektronix Inc., Beaverton, Or.
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one
American, were on their way to an international business conference when
they were kidnaped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, you compaines and you countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed
the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last
requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want to honor my contry and protest this barbaric act by
singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men."
That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor MY country before I die by singing
"The Marseilles" to your men."
The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor MY country by giving the
lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management."
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
"What is YOUR last request?"
The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to
listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"
--
.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: georgem@microso.UUCP (George Moore)
Subject: Dodgers & Nostradamus
Keywords: smirk, original, topical
Date: 20 Oct 88 21:03:46 GMT
Being a Dodgers fan, I realize that I should heed the predictions of
Nostradamus and know that the A's will lose to the Dodgers. In the book
"Nostradamus: The Missing Quatrains" is the prediction:
And in the Eighth year of the Incompetent One
The Men of the Smog shall vanquish the Men of the Oak
In a war fought seven battles long
And defeat the Athletic Men strong
And the Men of the Smog shall fight in the West
A fierce war of seven battles against the Bay Men
And the sphere shall meet the stick many times
And the unruly northern supporters shall have many fines
And in the final section of the seventh battle
A great earthquake shall have the sphere struck over a wall
And the great Athletic Ones shall not recover the sphere
And Southern Men shall win the series by one run clear
(This is a semi-original work. iccdev!mark originally posted something
similar in talk.rumors back in May about the NBA championships. I made
up some new rhymes for the current World Series. You can post in
anonymously if you wish, but in case someone complains, I *did* mention
this is not a 100% original work.)
--
.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: baron@uhccux.uhcc.hawaii.edu (Baron Fujimoto)
Subject: They want you, they want you, they want you as a new recruit.
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 21 Oct 88 03:30:04 GMT
Do you know why the new [ethnic] navy is buying glass-bottom boats for their
new fleet?
So they can see the old [ethnic] navy.
--
.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: shane@chablis.cc.umich.edu (Shane Looker)
Subject: Union TV Ads
Keywords: topical, funny
Date: 21 Oct 88 07:20:03 GMT
You know, I realized something last night which I consider great.
All those "Union Yes!" commercials being shown on TV were delayed 5 months
because of the writers strike.
Shane Looker
America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
--
.
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: rnelson@watdcsu.UUCP (Randy Nelson)
Subject: New software
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 21 Oct 88 15:30:03 GMT
---- MEDIOCREWRITER ----
JOES GARAGE INC.
500 Bituminous Ave.
Sleazonia, Ont. 3N7 N5S
1/2-sided, sloppy-sectored, 5 3/8 inch droopy disk. 39 cents.
As you might expect from this program's name and price, it's a
bare-bones, no-frills word processor package. What does 'bare bones'
mean? For one thing, you don't get multiple screens - in fact, you get
no screens at all. Joe, the program's writer, claims that in about six
months an update (19 cents) will be available that'll give the program
video-display capabilities. In the meantime, you'll simply have to
remember what you key in.
Another upgrade will enable you to type upper-case characters and
numbers greater than seven. But don't let these seemingly negative
comments dissuade you from buying the program. In reality, the 39 cent
price makes it good value for the money. You can for, example, use the
disk as a coaster for large beer mugs.
What are the program's good points? It contains a 3-word spelling
correction program called (predictably) MediocreSpeller. If you
misspell the words A, AND, or THE, it causes your computer to shut off
and locks the disk drive head on track 42.
MediocreWriter's documentation is in keeping with the program's other
annoying features. It consists of a barely legible mimeographed sheet
with the following insruction's on it:
* Turn computer on
* Insert disk
* Use program
The program is not copy protected.
Explains Joe: 'Who would want to copy it?' And it takes little memory
space: 323 bytes. It's available for the Lemming/dos operating system
for use on Joe's PC (available from Joe for $9.95).
ASST. SYSOP'S COMMENTS:
In short, MediocreWriter is Joe's latest attempt to write software that
works. It doesn't pretend to be anything other than what it is: the
sleeziest, most limited, bug-ridden word-processing program that exists.
Joe admits, 'it stinks.' In addition to its lack of a video-display
capability, it has a tendency to set computers on fire and trigger
nearby automatic washing machines. It handles 21 lower-case alphabetic
characters and numbers from one to six; punctuation is limited to the
exclamation point.
The program is interactive with Joe's other two packages: Lousycalc, a
1-column, 1-row spreadsheet; and RottenFiler, a database-management
program that accepts one entry. In short, I like it!
DETAILS: List price, 39 cents. Available only for Lemming/DOS on Joe's
PC ($9.95); configured to drive Joe's Smudge-Matrix Printer.
($14.95).
JOE'S GARAGE INC.
500 Bitumious Ave.
Sleazonia, Ont. 3N7 N5S
Phone 911
--
.
Remember: Spell Check your jokes, and include a one line signature at most.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: will@jane.jpl.nasa.gov (Will Deich)
Subject: Wheat, fields of wheat
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 22 Oct 88 07:20:03 GMT
P.S. The Texas Commissioner of Agriculture was quoted on
NPR (or was it in the LA Times?), as saying
``George Bush's idea of a good farm program is "Hee Haw". ''
[ And I'll counter this by noting that Jay Leno asked:
What's all this about a Massachusets Miracle? Did somebody
find a live fish in Boston Harbour? ]
--
.
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: dmh@sq.sq.com (David Harrison)
Subject: Centre for disease control
Keywords: sexual, chuckle
Date: 23 Oct 88 15:30:03 GMT
--------------------------------------------------------------
A fellow picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home.
When he takes off his shoes and socks, it is apparent that his toes
have had something dreadful happen to them.. "Eeek!" says she.
"Oh, I used to have toe-lio," says he. "You mean polio?" "No,
toe-lio." So they continue.
When he takes off his pants, his knees look like they have been beaten
with sledge hammers. "Eeek!" says she. "Oh, I used to have the
knee-sles," says he. "You mean measles?" "No, knee-sles". Still
undaunted, they continue.
When he takes off his underpants, she laughs and says "Don't tell
me! Small-cocks!"
--
.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: sandyf@tekig5.PEN.TEK.COM (Sandy Frazier)
Subject: I Have Noticed
Keywords: smirk
Date: 24 Oct 88 03:30:03 GMT
Organization: Tektronix Inc., Beaverton, Or.
I Have Noticed
Everthing is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as far to
the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for the
bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as
everbody speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the
hips and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces.
And the sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so
much smaller.
Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used
to be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much
older than I am.
I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
that she didn't recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really
now, they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
Sandy Frazier
--
.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: evan@sunrise.COM (Evan Marcus)
Subject: Quayle joke
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, topical, sexual, laugh
Date: 24 Oct 88 07:20:03 GMT
Organization: Sun Microsystems, NY District Office
Q: What did Marilyn Quayle say to her husband immediately after sex?
A: You really are no Jack Kennedy.
--
WHO: Evan L. Marcus
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: fgz@lakart.UUCP (Fred Genoese-Zerbi)
Subject: Amusing true law case
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 24 Oct 88 15:30:04 GMT
This is a case of law found in a West Law digest. This is an actual
case heard by the Michigan court of appeals (Fisher v. Low, 333 N.W.2d 67)
that was recently shown to me by somebody at school (after a long time
being a software engineer I started evening law school). I thought
it was funny...you be the judge.
Court of Appeals of Michigan
Docket No. 60732
A wayward Chevy struck a tree
whose owner sued defendants three.
He sued car's owner, driver too,
and insurer for what was his due.
For his oak tree that now may bear
a lasting need for tender care.
the Oakland County Circuit court,
John O' Brian, J., set forth
the judgment the defendants sought
and quickly an appeal was brought.
Court of appeals, J.H.Gillis, J.
Gave thought to this and had this to say:
1)There is no liability
since no-fault grants immunity;
2)No jurisdiction can be found
where process service is unsound;
and thus the judgment, as it's termed
is due to be and is
Affirmed.
Reason summaries (Squibbs)
1.
Defendant's Chevy struck a tree-
there was no liability;
the No-Fault Act comes into play
as owner and the driver say.
barred by the act's immunity
no suit in tort will aid the tree.
Although the oak's in disarray
No court can make defendants pay.
2.
No jurisdiction could be found
where process service was unsound;
In personam jurisdiction
was not even legal fiction.
Where plaintiff failed to well comply
with rules of court that did apply.
Summary of appeal court's opinion
J.H. Gillis, Judge
We thought that we would never see
a suit to compensate a tree.
A suit whose claim in tort is prest
upon a mangled tree's behest.
A tree whose battered trunk was prest
against a Chevy's crumpled crest.
A tree that faces each new day
with bark and linb in disarray.
A tree that may forever bear
a lasting need for tender care.
Flora lovers though we three,
we must uphold the court's decree.
Affirmed.
Federico Genoese-Zerbi
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: finton@ai.cs.wisc.edu (David Finton)
Subject: A judge, bishop, and conductor argue: who is the greatest
Keywords: smirk
Date: 25 Oct 88 03:30:03 GMT
(This joke courtesy of orchestral trumpeter Michael Bowman)
A judge, a bishop, and a conductor were having a discussion. All three
were rather vain men, and their talk soon turned to the question of which
of them was the greatest.
"Well," said the judge, "my position is one of dignity and power. When
I walk into the courtroom, the bailiff says 'All rise!' and all the people
stand to pay me honor."
"That's very nice," said the bishop. "People stand in your honor; but
when people have an audience with me they kneel, kiss my ring, and they
address me as 'Your Holiness.'"
The conductor snorted and said, "I think I got you both beat; when I
step onto the podium, as guest conductor, the people look down, put their
hands over their eyes, and say 'Oh, my God!'"
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: granger@cg-atla.UUCP (Pete Granger)
Subject: Golf and Sex Joke
Keywords: heard it, chuckle, sexual
Date: 25 Oct 88 15:30:04 GMT
So there are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for a
fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so
they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.
"Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes
late, so wait for me."
So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00,
and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and
beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if
he'd like to play again the following Saturday.
"Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I may be about ten minutes
late, so wait for me."
The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but
this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're
getting ready to leave, George says:
"See you next Saturday. But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait
for me."
Every week, George is right on time, and plays great with whichever
hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same
message.
After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he
says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten
minutes late, but you're right on time. And you beat us either
left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?"
"Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the
morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play
left-handed. And if she's sleeping on her right side, I play
right-handed."
"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks.
"Then I'm about ten minutes late," George answers.
Pete Granger
--
.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: ciaraldi@rochester.UUCP
Subject: Robin Givens / Mike Tyson Divorce
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 26 Oct 88 07:20:04 GMT
Robin Givens has announced that she is filing for divorce
>From heavyweight boxing champ Mike Tyson.
Said the actress,
"Our marriage was like a PG-13 movie: Too much violence and not enough sex."
Tyson apparently agrees, as he is filing for an annulment.
-------
Mike Ciaraldi
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: malton@csri.toronto.edu (Andrew Malton)
Subject: Radio Free Warsaw
Keywords: smirk
Date: 26 Oct 88 15:30:04 GMT
Organization: University of Toronto, CSRI
Comrade Popov was taking trips to various cities. From Warsaw
he sent back a postcard: Greeting from Free Warsaw. From Czechoslovakia
on the next trip he wrote: Greeting from Free Prague. He traveled on to
Bulgaria and wrote back: Greetings from Free Sofia; and then to Hungary,
writing a card back: Greetings from Free Budapest. Finally he reached
Vienna and wrote his last card: Greetings from Free Popov.
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: brown@mfci.UUCP
Subject: I'm with him
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle
Date: 13 Oct 88 03:30:04 GMT
Organization: Multiflow Computer Inc., Branford Ct. 06405
-----------------------------------------------------------------
During a recent international sports meet , one of the Scottish
track and field coaches was entertaining some friends and col-
leagues in his hotel room. As so often occurs the libations were
used up before it was time to end the festivities.
After receiving directions to the nearest wine/liquor store, the
Scottish coach departed the party.
Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three
or four people waiting in the queue.
Immediately ahead of him were two men dressed in military fa-
tigues and heavily bearded. He overhead one of them ordering
several bottles of Scotch and rum. Upon being told the value of
his purchases, this fatigue dressed individual told the clerk
that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book
and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the
Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement.
The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order
at least twice what his companion had ordered. Upon receipt of
his total he also told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Same
book, same procedure as the first fatigue clad individual.
By this time the Scotsman had figured he was on to a good thing.
He ordered bottles of this, that, cigars, cigarettes etc. Upon
being presented with his bill he told the clerk that he was with
Fidel.
The clerk told him that he could not be with Fidel.
"Why not?" said the indignant Scotsman.
"Because you do not have the beard and the big cigar." the
clerk replied.
Pausing for only a moment, the Scotsman reached down, lifted up
his kilt and proudly announced, "SECRET SERVICE!!!"
--
.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: djones@megatest.UUCP (Dave Jones)
Subject: Practical Joke Down South
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, true, funny
Date: 12 Oct 88 03:30:04 GMT
Organization: Megatest Corporation, San Jose, Ca
(He wants some jokes and anecdotes. - DJ )
True story:
I used to work for T.I. in Houston. Once a young programmer fellow
>From the Bedford, England came to do some consulting. He was a nice
enough guy, but very stiff and proper. On his last day before returning
to G.B., I took him to lunch at a Luby's Cafeteria. While waiting
in line, I told him that before he left Texas, he simply *must* try
some mepyew.
He said, "What?"
I said, "Mepyew. It is very popular. Everyone here eats it with lunch.
Sort of a Texas tradition. The woman in the serving line will ask you
if you want some."
I give a sly wink or two to various prospective diners who
were overhearing the conversation and looking quizical.
He agreed to order some mepyew.
We approached the first station where the lady was selling jello
deserts and chilled salads.
"Mepyew?", she asked.
"Yes please," he responded.
"Mepyew?"
"Yes."
"Mepyew?" (Now with noticable agitation.)
"Yes! If you Please!"
"Well ahm not a mind reader!"
I laughed a little.
Finally realizing that he had been had, he proceded directly to the
roast beef and mashed potatoes, as any good Englishman would.
I giggled. The people I had winked at giggled. My English friend
busied himself with macaroni and cake.
Back at the office, Shiela and Mike giggled. The Englishman studied
a directory listing.
Someday, I'm going to invent a dish called mepyew. Maybe it will be
a jello and roast beef casserole.
--
.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: BimmerPilot@cup.portal.com
Subject: Talk about service
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, smirk, sexual
Date: 11 Oct 88 15:30:05 GMT
Organization: The Portal System (TM)
A salesmen while on the road went to his motel room tired and beat.
Upon pulling down the sheets and about ready to go to bed after a long
and harrowing day, he noticed a hole in the wall with hair around it
and a little sign saying "Wife away from home".
So he decided to try the mystery hole, stood up on the bed and put is
(you know what into it). He let out a blood curdling scream and yanked
it out, and there it was, with a button sewn on the end of it.
--
.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jester@jessica.stanford.edu (Perry Friedman)
Subject: Offensive to women
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, sexist, smirk, rot13
Date: 11 Oct 88 09:30:05 GMT
Organization: Stanford University
Fgnasbeq jbzra ner erfcbafvoyr sbe gur fhpprff bs znal Fgnasbeq zra:
gur tvir gurz nabgure ernfba gb fgnl va naq fghql rirel avtug.
Jul qb jbzra unir crevbqf?
Orpnhfr gurl qrfreir gurz.
Wbr: V tbg n ceboyrz.
Rq: Jung'f gur znggre?
Wbr: Jbzra. V whfg qba'g haqrefgnaq gurz.
Rq: Qb lbh haqrefgnaq lbhe GI?
Wbr: Ab.
Rq: Fb jung'f gur ceboyrz?!
--
.
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: neeman@uicsrd.csrd.uiuc.edu
Subject: Scott Free
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, smirk, ethnic
Date: 11 Oct 88 03:30:03 GMT
Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar,
but if they drink it at home, they only take one,
and if they drink it while visiting, they always take three.
--
.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: migod@csri.toronto.edu (Mike Godfrey)
Subject: Since it's election time...
Keywords: topical, chuckle, ever so mildly sexist
Date: 20 Nov 88 08:20:03 GMT
Q. Are there any historical precedents for the Soviet system of elections?
A. Yes, in the story of the creation. God made Eve, put her in the Garden of
Eden, and said to Adam: "Now choose a woman."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: brad@looking.uucp (Brian Glendenning)
Subject: Updated Version of joke recently made famous
Keywords: original (sort of)
Date: 20 Nov 88 01:47:32 GMT
Followup-To: news.misc
A member of an ethnic group reputed to have a stingy reputation and a
member of an ethnic group often stereotyped as having a miserly cunning
went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the table waiting attendant came
by with the inevitable bill. To the amazement of all, the member of the
ethnic group reputed to have a stingy reputation was heard to say,
"I'll pay it," which he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"VENTRILOQUIST FROM ETHNIC GROUP OFTEN STEREOTYPED AS HAVING A
MISERLY CUNNING FOUND SEVERELY CHASTISED IN BLIND ALLEY."
[ If you don't understand why I posted this, check out the flamefest raging
in soc.culture.jewish over the original version of this joke. In that
group, richmond@athena.mit.edu and davidm@ihlpa.ATT.COM are demanding my
removal as moderator because I posted the original version of this joke.
Mr. J. Richmond has even intimated he will take action against me and Looking
Glass Software. Respond to them, not to me. ]
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: brian@greek.UUCP
Subject: gaggle me with a spoon...
Keywords: chuckle, heard it, mildly sexual
Date: 21 Nov 88 03:30:04 GMT
Four Oxford professors (dons, whatever...) were taking their evening walk
together and as usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation.
On this particular evening, their conversation was about the names given
to groups of animals, such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, and
posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded in
acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the
others nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor remarked
to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of the
four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your thoughts?"
The fourth professor replied, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
--
-Brian Smithson
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: svh@xait.UUCP (Susan Hammond)
Subject: A Quail in my voice
Keywords: topical, funny
Date: 21 Nov 88 08:20:04 GMT
(From: Miriam Lezak)
Don't know much about history
Don't know much foreign policy
Don't remember how I got through school
I'm sure I didn't break the rules
But what's it matter 'cause my granny says
"Boy, if you want to you can be vice prez
And what a wonderful world this will be"
Don't know much about the women's vote
Don't know much about the bill I wrote
Don't know much about the foreign vets
I've never voted for 'em yet
But I do know if your dad tries hard
He can get you in the National Guard
And what a wonderful place that can be
Now I never claimed to be an A student
But what's wrong with C's?
And maybe by knowing the names of my cabinet
I can win their love for me
Don't know much about air pollution
Don't know much about the constitution
Don't know much about th'economy
It never much affected me
But there's one thing that I know for sure
If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be
Don't know much about the national debt
I've never had to pay one yet
If we need to we can sell the States
To the Japanese at discount rates
But I do know if things get bad
George and I can always call my dad
And what a wonderful world this will be...
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM
Subject: More soviet jokes
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, funny
Date: 21 Nov 88 16:30:07 GMT
Organization: Xerox, Sunnyvale, CA
Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal
Assistance.
Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked
me down and took my Russian watch.
Desk Sergeant: Come again?
Czech: Are you deaf? Out there in the street, a Swiss soldier
knocked me down and took my Russian watch.
Desk Sergeant: You're confused. It was a Russian soldier who
knocked you down and took your Swiss watch.
Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
--
Henry Cate III
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: bill@ssbn.WLK.COM (Bill Kennedy)
Subject: Submission - Talking to Fish
Keywords: original, smirk
Date: 22 Nov 88 03:30:04 GMT
This was published in The South Texas Fisherman, sometime 1972. I'd
like to take credit for it but the "Bill Kennedy" author is Sr, I'm Jr.
TALKING TO FISH
by Bill Kennedy
A character in one of Shakespeare's plays, boasting of his accomplishments
said "I can call up monsters from the vasty deep." Any fisherman could have
given the answer: "So can I and so can any man, but will they come?" Men
and women have been calling to fish, pleading with them and swearing at them
without response since the beginning of time. A federally supported research
project may change that situation.
Working with the whale family (porpoise or dolphin), scientists in Florida
have set out to translate fish language. They are not far along yet but
have made some headway. Various clicks and whistles have been recorded
that indicate, at least in the whale family, one fish has a way to commun-
icating what is on his mind to another fish. If the research continues as
planned, it should be only a matter of time until man will be able to
reporoduce fish noises and communicate what is on his mind to bass, perch,
and catfish.
All right-minded fishermen agree that fish-talk research projects should
be cancelled and the scientists in it forced to seek other employment.
The reasoning behind this point of view is simple and sound. If the
research continues to its logical conclusion, fishing will cease to be
the pleasant and relaxing sport that it now is. Fishing will become a
business of bellowing speeches in fish language designed to convince fish
that they would be better off on the bank or in the boat than they are in
the water. In such circumstances any fool knows who the men that will
catch all the fish will be. They will be politicians!
--
Bill Kennedy
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: rn10+@andrew.cmu.edu (Ronald J. Notarius)
Subject: Elvis
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, topical, funny
Date: 22 Nov 88 08:20:04 GMT
Organization: Carnegie Mellon
Sorry guys, but there is now definitive, undeniable proof that Elvis is, indeed,
dead.
He was registered to vote in Chicago.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: fraser@engine.dec.com (Product Acoustics Group*MLO6-2/T13*223-8744)
Subject: Difference between US & UK...
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, smirk
Date: 22 Nov 88 16:30:06 GMT
Organization: Digital Equipment Corporation
UK - 100 miles is a long distance.
US - 100 years is a long time.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM
Subject: DATA statements...
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, true, chuckle
Date: 23 Nov 88 06:02:00 GMT
Organization: Xerox, Sunnyvale, CA
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This
also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
[ 3 Last minute additions to the R.H.F. 1988 Annual:
The Purity Test
Emily Postnews
A Joke Index.
This weekend is not a Holiday in Canada, BTW, so we'll be around
if you call. -ed ]
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: leonard%iros1.UUCP (Nicolas Leonard)
Subject: American and Canadian Senate.
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 23 Nov 88 08:20:05 GMT
You know the difference between the American and the
Canadian Senate?
In the US, you have to win an election to get in.
In Canada, you have to lose one.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: brad@looking.UUCP (Brad Templeton)
Subject: Important Item missing from Book order information
Keywords: administrivia
Date: 23 Nov 88 08:22:38 GMT
Followup-To: rec.humor.d
Organization: Looking Glass Software, Waterloo Ont.
I left out one very important thing from the ordering information. If
you want to order by mail, make the cheque payable to Looking Glass Software
Limited, or to Brad Templeton. Not to "jokebook" as one person asked!
Also, as I noted in an earlier joke posting, my office is open Thursday &
Friday. Sorry to clog up the group like this. I usually try to keep the
volume nice and low, and based on what I've had to accept recently to keep
it at 60/month, perhaps I should keep it lower. Oh yeah, in the USA, it's
OK if you write a check instead of a cheque. I'll accept either.
--
Brad Templeton, Looking Glass Software Ltd. -- Waterloo, Ontario 519/884-7473
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: rmach@polyslo.calpoly.edu (Roger Mach)
Subject: Three rodents with defective visual perception
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 24 Nov 88 03:30:03 GMT
(sung to the tune of Three Blind Mice)
Three rodents with defective visual perception,
three rodents with defective visual perception.
Visualize how they perambulate,
Visualize how they perambulate.
They all perambulated after the agriculturalist's spouse,
she severed their spinal columns with a kitchen utensil.
Have you ever seen such a spectacle in your existence,
as three rodents with defective visual perception?
--
< Roger Mach > Heard around a campfire a long time ago...
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: suhre@trwrb.UUCP (Maurice E. Suhre)
Subject: Odds and Ends
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, true, chuckle, topical
Date: 24 Nov 88 08:20:04 GMT
Organization: TRW Space and Defense Sector, Redondo Beach, CA
A local throwaway paper has a column called News of the Weird which
may be syndicated. Excerpting...
George Bush's August message attempting to woo the support of the
National Letter Carriers missed its mark because campaign officials
sent the message by Federal Express, whose deliveries the union refuses
to accept.
--
Maurice Suhre
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: grant@looking.UUCP (Grant Robinson)
Subject: Vaseline salesman
Keywords: sexual, chuckle
Date: 24 Nov 88 16:30:05 GMT
A Vaseline salesman is driving through the country, when his car starts
leaking and loses all its oil. Not knowing what to do, he fills the
engine with Vaseline, thinking that it is similar to oil, and drives away.
It works fine until about half an hour later, when the engine gets real
warm, and the Vaseline melts, and runs out through the same hole as the
oil did. This time there is a farm nearby, so he decides to look for a
phone.
Meanwhile, inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and daughter
are having a fight about who's going to do the dishes. "I did them this
morning," complains the farmer. "Well I did them at lunch," says his wife.
"And I'm tired from doing all the farmwork," says the daughter. So the
farmer, in a stroke of brilliance, decides that they will settle it by all
taking off their clothes, lying on the floor, and declaring that the first
one to speak gets to do the dishes.
The Vaseline saleman gets to the front door, and rings the bell.
No one answers so he goes in and looks for a phone. He eventually stumbles
into the kitchen, and ignoring the odd sight, asks for a phone. No one
answers, so he goes and looks some more. Still no luck, so he goes back to
the kitchen. They still won't answer, so he decides to see what else he
can get away with. He has sex with the daughter several times, bemused by
her silence, then finally goes and looks for the phone again. A while
later, he comes back, looks at the wife, and says, "Why not?" After having
sex with the farmer's wife, he is getting tired and exasperated. He
thinks, maybe if they have some Vaseline, I can drive my car for another
half-hour. So he asks, "Do you have any Vaseline?" at which the farmer
jumps up and yells, "I'll do the dishes!"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: swordfis@pnet51.cts.com (Tim Mitchell)
Subject: A Modern Idea
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, smirk
Date: 25 Nov 88 03:30:05 GMT
Organization: People-Net [pnet51], Minneapolis, MN.
Guy walks into a restaurant. Orders eggs.
The waitress asks "How would you like those eggs cooked?"
The guy says "Hey, that would be great."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: sidhu@bnlux0.bnl.gov
Subject: Topical trick
Keywords: smirk, topical
Date: 25 Nov 88 08:20:03 GMT
This week is a perfect opportunity to find out the true age of those individuals
who are always evasive on the point. Just ask them what they were doing when
they heard about president Kennedy's assassination! They will be telling you
long before they realise that you can add 25 to what you can easily surmise
to be their age at the time of the said activity.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: migod@csri.toronto.edu (Mike Godfrey)
Subject: cleanliness is next to ...
Keywords: smirk
Date: 25 Nov 88 16:30:03 GMT
A great Soviet general was once asked by his adjutant, "Comrade General,
what is the meaning of Marxist dialectic?"
The general replied, "I will explain it to you with an example. A filthy
man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?"
"Of course," replied the adjutant.
"No, you're wrong," said the general. "A filthy man is filthy by his nature,
and will not go in to the bath house. Only clean men, knowing the virtues of
cleanliness, will bathe."
"I understand, comrade general."
"Now, let me give you another example. A filthy man is standing outside
a bath house. Will he go in?"
"Absolutely not," replied the adjutant immediately.
"You're wrong again," said the general. "Why should a filthy man not
enter a bath house? He is dirty, the bath house is there to enable him to
become clean, and he will use it."
"I think I understand, comrade."
"Now, one last example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house.
Will he go in?"
"How the hell should I know?"
"Now, comrade, you truly understand the meaning of Marxist dialectic."
(A very similar joke from Leo Rosten's _The_Joys_Of_Yiddish_ (If you haven't
got a copy of this book, then drop everything and go out and buy a copy--it's
full of jokes, folk sayings and other assorted witticisms.))
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: larry@uts.amdahl.com (Larry Hardiman)
Subject: politics, dirty tricks
Keywords: swearing, true, chuckle
Date: 27 Nov 88 16:30:03 GMT
(Heard from a friend in New York in about 1970.)
When Lyndon Johnson was running for congress he called
his opponent a "pig fucker."
Lyndon's campaign manager said, "Lyndon, you know he doesn't do that!"
Johnson replied, "I know that, but I want to make him deny it."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: bill@ssbn.WLK.COM (Bill Kennedy)
Subject: It's not the meat
Keywords: sexual, chuckle
Date: 29 Nov 88 03:30:04 GMT
(This might be an oldie, but I got a grin out of it when I remembered it.)
A fellow sitting in a bar noticed that the bartender was staring at him.
Each time he'd look away and finally came over, a bit embarrassed.
"I'm sorry sir, let me buy you a drink."
He accepted and accepted the subsequent two apologies and drinks.
"Really sir, surely you know this, you must be the ugliest man I've
ever seen and I can't keep from staring at you."
"You think I'm pretty ugly? That ugly? Are you a betting man?"
"Well it depends on what I'm betting on, but I do bet from time to time."
"Do you see that cute little blonde sitting over there with that young
man? I've got $50 that says I'll go over there and pick her up."
The bartender accepted immediately, plopping his $50 on the bar next to
the customer's who had started to approach the table but wheeled and
came back.
"I've got another $50 that says that I'll pat her on the fanny as we walk
by you and she'll give you a wink."
The bartender quickly added another $50 and shortly after that the guy
walked out with the blonde on his arm and as they went by he patted her
on the fanny, she winked at the bartender, and the guy collected the win.
Astonished the bartender went over to the table where she had been
sitting to quiz the young man she had been with, he was sitting there with
a stunned look on his face.
"My gosh fellow, I'm amazed! What did he do? What did he say?"
"Nothing! Nothing at all! He just stood there; licking his eyebrows..."
--
Bill Kennedy
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: grant@looking.UUCP (Grant Robinson)
Subject: You ain't seen nothing yet!
Keywords: sexual, smirk
Date: 28 Nov 88 16:30:05 GMT
A man is going to work one day and accidentily slams his penis in the car door.
Goes to the doctor, and the doctor says "We're going to have to put a splint on that." The guy says "No way Doc, I'm getting married in a week." The Doc
replies "Well if we don't, it's going to be bent for the rest of your life."
So finally the guy agrees, and the doctor gets out a couple tongue depressors
and some tape and fixes him up.
A week later, and he's on his honeymoon. His new wife is doing a
slow, seductive strip-tease in front of him. She takes off her bra and says
"See these, they've never been touched by a man before." She then takes
off her panties and says "See this, it's never been seen by a man before."
So the husband whips off his shorts and says "See this, it's not even out
of the crate yet!"
--
>From comedy night at Yuk-Yuks.
--
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: peterr@sco.UUCP
Subject: Healing by the pipes
Keywords: smirk
Date: 29 Nov 88 16:30:05 GMT
A Scotsman was sick and in hospital. His doctors were afraid that
this was to be the end of him since nothing they did could do anything
to make him healthy. His physician asked him if there was anything
that he could do to make him more comfortable in his final hours.
The Scot replied, "If I could only hear the pipes one more time it would
make me very happy." So the doctor arranged for a piper to come into the
room and play for the dying man.
When the Scot heard the pipes the color came back into his cheeks, his
eyes became bright, his breathing was easier, and he got up and danced
around the room. He was completely cured! Later, while recounting the
tale to his fellows over lunch the doctor confessed that this was a
miracle cure that he couldn't explain. When the pipes began to play
the Scotsman was cured. The only problem he could see was that 2
Englishmen in for checkups died.
--
peter
uunet!sco!peterr
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: keithe@tekgvs.GVS.TEK.COM (Keith Ericson at TekLabs (resident factious factotum))
Subject: Report cards
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 30 Nov 88 03:30:04 GMT
Organization: Tektronix, Inc., Beaverton, OR.
(This actually happened the other night. I'll always remember it... keith)
It's report card time around here and my junior-high-school-aged
daughter was preparing me for her soon-to-be-delivered grade slip.
After telling me about her solid A in math, an almost-as-solid A in
both science and English, a hoped-for A in phys ed, and "pretty
certain" A in choir, she had to inform me that she would only be
getting a "low B" in history. I asked her "Why don't you do as well
in history as in your other subjects?" After a bit of a pause she
replied, "I don't remember."
--
keith
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: john@n7kbt.WA.COM (John Opalko)
Subject: South African chess
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 30 Nov 88 16:30:06 GMT
This one was told to me by a rather strange acquaintance the other night.
Have you heard about South African chess? It's a variation on standard chess.
The object is to capture the black bishop. Of course, that's not very
difficult, as only the white pieces are allowed to move.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: carl@aoa.UUCP (Carl Witthoft)
Subject: The mysteries of time
Keywords: original, smirk
Date: 1 Dec 88 03:30:02 GMT
The following was post/followuped in sci.physics.
From: dleigh@hplabsz.HPL.HP.COM (Darren Leigh)
In article <1174@sri-arpa.ARPA> huntress%v70npt.decnet@nusc-npt.arpa writes:
>Is time continuous?
No. It's sampled at 44.1 kHz and quantized to sixteen bits.
This is why CDs sound so good even though there are gaps in the music.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: 16016_1127@uwovax.uwo.ca (John Palmer)
Subject: It goes both ways
Keywords: sexual, chuckle, offense=men, swearing
Date: 1 Dec 88 11:30:06 GMT
(Urer'f n srznyr punhivavfg wbxr V unira'g frra ba gur arg:)
N engure ybhq-zbhgurq zna fjnttrerq vagb n juberubhfr naq naabhaprq
gb gur znqnz, "Oevat n ynql jvgu ernyyl ovt gvgf naq n ernyyl gvtug chffl!"
N srj zbzragf yngre gur zna jnf nccebnpurq ol bar bs gur rzcyblrrf:
"Rkphfr zr, fve. Ner lbh gur zna jvgu gur ovt zbhgu naq gur gval cevpx?"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you don't know how to decode this, ask a fellow reader at or near your site.
Don't ask me. You take full responsibilty for decrypting the joke, and you
give up all right to complain about its offensiveness if you do.
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: TheMessenger@cit5.cit.oz.au (TheMessenger)
Subject: God and The Post Office
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 1 Dec 88 16:30:04 GMT
Organization: Chisholm Institute of Technology, Melb, Australia
A nice young worker from Australia Post ( yes they do exist ), was sorting
through her regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as
follows:
GOD
c/o Heaven
Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old
lady who had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of
$100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.
Well the young lady was deeply touched and made a collection from her
fellow workmates and collected $90 and sent it off to the old lady. A few
weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young lady opened
it and it read "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it, however
I only received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post Office."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: fgz@lakart.UUCP (Federico Genoese-Zerbi)
Subject: The POWER of RANDOM
Keywords: true, smirk
Date: 2 Dec 88 03:30:03 GMT
This was an ad I found in a "Sporting Edge" catalog (you know, one of those
yuppy hardware stuff catalogs). I thought it was great....I also thought
that I should perhaps open up my own service. I can just see it:
FEDERICO'S RANDOM NUMBER SYSTEM. Guaranteed to follow no
pattern whatsoever, or something like that.
Anyway, enjoy the ad.
_________________________________________________________________________
Tap the power of _random_ selection to increase chances of winning the
lotto!
Lotto players face a dilemma each time they buy a ticket. What numbers
to pick? Studies have shown that most lotto winners don't use any sort of
special system to select their numbers. Instead, they tap the power of
_random selection_.
The Millionaire Maker is a novel, fun way to user random selection to
pick your numbers. It works just like a state Lotto machine. A tiny
battery-powered motor under the base rotates the sphere, which holds 80
numbered balls. Press one button and the sphere mixes the balls thoroughly.
Touch the other and the sphere rotates in the opposite direction...a clever
scooping system lifts a single ball at a time, up and into a sliding tray.
To return the balls to the sphere simply place them on the filling tray
and tilt it up. Now you are ready to choose another perfectly random set of
numbers.
Order Millionaire Maker today, for yourself, or friends who enjoy
playing Lotto. _YOU_ night bust the Lotto and be an instant millionaire!
#413110 Millionaire Maker $19.95 (1lb.)
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: brad@looking.UUCP (Brad Templeton)
Subject: EMail to Newspaper not a good idea, after all
Keywords: administrivia
Date: 2 Dec 88 16:11:09 GMT
Organization: Looking Glass Software, Waterloo Ont.
It is with regret that I must say that the controversy over this matter and
the volume of response have blown far out of proportion. It is my
current belief that an excessive amount of mail directed at the Kitchener-
Waterloo Record can only aggravate the situation. While I originally set
up an email drop box for letters to the Record, I must ask that people send
no more.
The letters so far have all supported me, and due to the excessive volume,
I would understand if the editors felt the batch were suspect coming from
me. Because of this, I must ask that any who still require me to forward
their letter send a confirmation. I regret having to ask this but I truly
feel it is the best course at this time.
If you INSIST, you can do this by replying to this message, which will
mail to rconfirm@looking.UUCP
If you do confirm, you can re-send the text of your letter, or just a
confirmation, in which case I will get it from the "record" mailbox.
You will not hear much, if anything, more from me on this subject.
Thank you all for your kind support. I know (perhaps more than anybody, now)
how difficult it is to come out in public to defend somebody accused of
racism, or anything like it. You are all to be applauded.
(Sorry, but mail to me on this topic will not receive a reply.)
--
Brad Templeton, Looking Glass Software Ltd. -- Waterloo, Ontario 519/884-7473
From werner Thu Oct 27 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000001
From: jborza%burgundy@Sun.COM (Jim_Borza)
Subject: With apologies to Henny Youngman
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, sexual, funny
Date: 2 Dec 88 16:30:04 GMT
A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular
trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their
hotel and were shown to their room, the man said:
"You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes
by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out
of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurance, she lies down once more. Again
a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated,
she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager
says he'll be right up.
The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is
true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!".
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in.
"What", he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies:
"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
--
Jim Borza
Communication Factors - Fremont, CA (415) 797-3039
Sun Microsystems - Milpitas, CA
--
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