textfiles/humor/JOKES/eng-math-phy.txt

Hey! lets pick on engineers today:

Fire!

A physicist and a mathematician are in the faculty lounge having a cup of
coffee when, for no apparent reason, the coffee machine bursts into flames.
The physicist rushes over to the wall, grabs a fire extinguisher, and fights
the fire successfully.
The same time next week, the same pair are there drinking coffee and talking
shop when the new coffee machine goes on fire. The mathematician stands up,
fetches the fire extinguisher, and hands it to the physicist, thereby
reducing the problem to one already solved...


Measurement Techniques

Similarly, a mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are each given 50
dollars to measure the height of a building. The mathematician buys a ruler
and a sextant, and by determining the angle subtended by the building a 
certain distance away from the base, he establishes the height of the building.

The physicist buys a heavy ball and a stopwatch, climbs to the top of the
building and drops the ball. By measuring the time it takes to hit the
bottom, he establishes the height of the building.

The engineer puts forty dollars into his pocket. By slipping the doorman the
other ten, he establishes the height of the building.


Conclusions...

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe
watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of
the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will
be empty again."


Another fire!

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel
sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms. The physicist woke
up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC, and began
working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes,
he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and
measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire,
extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep. The
engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the
taps full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire,
and went back to sleep.

The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working
through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you-name-it, and after a few minutes,
put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I
*can* put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep.

Breakdown

Four engineers were travelling by car to a seminar, when unfortunately, the
vehicle broke down. The chemical engineer said "Obviously, some constituent
of the fuel has caused this failure to occur." The mechanical engineer
replied "I disagree, I would surmise that an engine component has suffered a
catastrophic structural failure." The electrical engineer also had a theory.
"I believe an electrical component has ceased to function, thereby causing
an ignition malfunction."

The software engineer thought for some time. When at last he spoke he said
"What would happen if we all got out and then got back in again?"


Einstein

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not
yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very
sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with
others." he is told by the doorman (say his name is Pete). Einstein says
that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a
great fuss. So Pete leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is
introduced to all of the present inhabitants.

"See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
"Why that's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss literature!"
"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"Why that's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!" "And here
is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That's Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theatre!" Just
then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your
last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80." Albert smiles back at
him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"

Howitzers

When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:

A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land. A
physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there. An engineer will
stand there and try to catch it.

Travel Games

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun
game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away
and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real
easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer
you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll
pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now,
that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer
asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, its
the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a
hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him
with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his
references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer
$50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the
question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to
the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.