textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/is.modem.entity

                        /----------------------------\ 
                        |   Another production of    | 
                        |    Shadow Stories, Inc.    | 
                        |                            | 
                        | "Is there a modem entity?" | 
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[Editor's note : When Dark Shadow appeared in my office and gave me the 
 following notes, I was somewhat skeptical. However, seeing the amount of 
 research that he put into this, I decided to give selected excerpts.] 
 
Author's note : While trying to answer this timeless question, I ranged from 
the mountains of Nepal to a Bohemian milkman in Wisconsin. I have consulted 
a number of authorities, and asked them for their opinions. Thus, if you 
are somewhat unsure of this enigma, read on. 
 
Chapter 1 : Noted Authorities 
----------------------------- 
     Realizing that no analysis of this question would be complete, I decided 
to ask two of the leading authorities... Professor Toidi is a noted 
musicologist, and Professor Cainam is an authority in the area of midevil 
basket-weaving. Professor Toidi responded : 
     "Is there a modem entity? Do you really think I give a flying --" 
     [The rest of Professor Toidi's response has been edited out - Ed.] 
 
     I continued on, however, after Professor Toidi's rather heated response, 
and decided to ask Professor Cainam about the modem entity. The main portion 
of his response follows : 
     "Professor Cainam," I asked, "do you think that there is a modem entity?" 
     "Is it closer to New York or by train?" he replied. 
     "Well, er --" 
     "Answer that question, my son, and you have the answer to your 
question." 
     Needless to say, I was excited about this clear and lucid response, so 
I ventured to Nepal, where it was rumored that the modem entity had left 
evidence... 
 
Chapter 2 : Evidence in Nepal 
----------------------------- 
     Despite an unfortunate incident involving the destruction of two oil 
trucks, I managed to make it to Nepal without major mishap. Asking directions 
from the nearest inhabitant, he directed me to a lonely cave; I am not at 
the liberty to divule the location at this particular time. 
     Nonetheless, inside I found some fragments of a bible that appeared 
to be devoted to a modem deity. Some of the more interesting fragments 
follow : 
 
     "And then the the incarnation of the Modem did come down, and the people 
bowed upon their knees; and the vision spake 'I shall give you 256 
commandments, for that is the holy number. You shall follow these, and I 
shall care for your children, and see that they multiply, and divide, and 
do all manner of arithmetic.' The vision then vanished, and the people were 
awed; and thus did one man, known as 'The Prophet' to the people, pick up 
a stone tablet, on which were inscribed the 256 commandments; and thus did 
he raise up the tablet, and begin to incant : 
      1. Thou shalt not use overly thy exclamation mark. 
      2. Thou shalt not sleep with thy redial still on. 
      3. Thou shalt not use overly long borderlines, for they are an 
         inconvenience, and very annoying... 
 
[At this point, the rest of the fragment, torn apart by the endless tides 
 of time, was unreadable. -DS] 
 
     "And thus did the tribe break the laws, and defame the pride, and curse 
the name of the Almight Modem Entity; and thus did the Entity appear, and 
the Entity spake : 'You have defamed me, and cursed me, and placed graffiti 
on my likeness; I shall rain upon you three plagues, and you will know them 
by the names of 'The American,' 'The Jackal,' and 'Inver Brass.' Thus you 
shall know my wrath.'" 
 
     "Julia, secure in her faith, was one day met by the anti-user, who went 
by the evil name of Gandalf. And Gandalf did say : 
     'You shall bow to me, Julia, for I am your master.' 
     'Nay! I shall not,' saith Julia, 'for I am secure in my faith.' 
     'You are not,' did spake Gandalf, 'for will you not call Twilight Zone, 
and test your faith? Shall you acquire a carrier in but a single call?' 
     'I need not,' saith Julia, 'for I have called three times today, and 
I am but a poor peasant.' 
     'Aha! Than submit to me, wench!' 
     'No! No!' 
     Julia then did call Twilight Zone, and she did achieve a carrier, and 
the modems did sing; and further, she entered her password, and her phone 
number, and the modems danced; and she was admitted, and was not booted from 
the Zone, even though she had called thrice; the modems held a party, and 
cruised the town, and generally had an all-around good time, and thus was 
Gandalf beaten back by the pure light of this miracle; thus, did Gandalf 
vanish, and Julia was in the carrier tone of the Modem Entity." 
 
Chapter 8 : A Sample Ritual 
--------------------------- 
     I was fortunate enough to work my way through the security systems, and 
actually witness one of the fascinating rituals by a cult that actually 
believes in a modem entity... the view from the other end, that of the 
Twilight Zone, is created by testimony from Rod Serling, The Enchantress, 
and Princess Leia. 
 
     The cult gathered around the priestess, who was wearing a computer cord; 
she held up the ritual telephone, and picked up the received. She then cried 
"Damn! Busy!" three times in succession, and the circle around her repeated 
those sacred words. 
     She then went to the computer, and turned it on; her servants bowed, 
and one came up with a pillow. Upon the pillow lay a disk, which the 
priestess inserted into a slot. 
     The computer beeped, and executed a program, and the priestess turned 
around and said to her congregation : 
     "Hear me, my children! I now attempt to logon to the Twilight Zone, for 
I am secure in my faith." 
     The computer started to beep, and the priestess again picked the 
receiver, and the congregation could hear a high pitched tone. I, myself, 
was amazed by this turn of events, but the priestess accepted it. 
 
     Rod Serling had been watching his computer with waning interest as 
Princess Leia entered another message into the computer. However, his 
eyebrows twitched when Princess Leia logged off in the middle of an 
ellipse. 
 
     The priestess screamed, "79 messages!" and the congregation repeated 
after her. The priestess then said, in a weaker voice, "I, my children, have 
not logged on for a week. Let me have faith in the Entity that presides, and 
let there be --- 11 new messages, not 79!" 
     The group around the priestess started to dance about, whooping and 
generally making a racket. 
 
     Rod watched as a user called "The Priestess" -- whom he thought was 
another identity of Princess Leia's -- log on to the system. The Priestess 
entered "Q," and the computer responded with "79 NEW MESSAGES." 
     The computer burped, and emitted a quiet squeal. "What the hell --" 
queried Serling, as the computer then printed "11 NEW MESSAGES." 
     Serling shook his head, as if to clear his mind. "Damn quickscan needs 
to be fixed again," he thought to himself. It is fortunate that he did not 
see the Priestess receive level 9 access without his approval, for it is 
certain that his reason would have been unseated... 
 
[Copyright 1985 by Shadow Stories, Inc. All rights reserved. Any reproduction 
 of this text or any portion thereof, written, electronic, or otherwise, 
 cannot be produced without the express written consent of the author.]