139 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
139 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
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/----------------------------\
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| Another production of |
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| Shadow Stories, Inc. |
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| "Is there a modem entity?" |
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\----------------------------/
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[Editor's note : When Dark Shadow appeared in my office and gave me the
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following notes, I was somewhat skeptical. However, seeing the amount of
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research that he put into this, I decided to give selected excerpts.]
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Author's note : While trying to answer this timeless question, I ranged from
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the mountains of Nepal to a Bohemian milkman in Wisconsin. I have consulted
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a number of authorities, and asked them for their opinions. Thus, if you
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are somewhat unsure of this enigma, read on.
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Chapter 1 : Noted Authorities
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-----------------------------
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Realizing that no analysis of this question would be complete, I decided
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to ask two of the leading authorities... Professor Toidi is a noted
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musicologist, and Professor Cainam is an authority in the area of midevil
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basket-weaving. Professor Toidi responded :
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"Is there a modem entity? Do you really think I give a flying --"
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[The rest of Professor Toidi's response has been edited out - Ed.]
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I continued on, however, after Professor Toidi's rather heated response,
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and decided to ask Professor Cainam about the modem entity. The main portion
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of his response follows :
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"Professor Cainam," I asked, "do you think that there is a modem entity?"
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"Is it closer to New York or by train?" he replied.
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"Well, er --"
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"Answer that question, my son, and you have the answer to your
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question."
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Needless to say, I was excited about this clear and lucid response, so
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I ventured to Nepal, where it was rumored that the modem entity had left
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evidence...
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Chapter 2 : Evidence in Nepal
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-----------------------------
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Despite an unfortunate incident involving the destruction of two oil
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trucks, I managed to make it to Nepal without major mishap. Asking directions
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from the nearest inhabitant, he directed me to a lonely cave; I am not at
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the liberty to divule the location at this particular time.
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Nonetheless, inside I found some fragments of a bible that appeared
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to be devoted to a modem deity. Some of the more interesting fragments
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follow :
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"And then the the incarnation of the Modem did come down, and the people
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bowed upon their knees; and the vision spake 'I shall give you 256
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commandments, for that is the holy number. You shall follow these, and I
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shall care for your children, and see that they multiply, and divide, and
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do all manner of arithmetic.' The vision then vanished, and the people were
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awed; and thus did one man, known as 'The Prophet' to the people, pick up
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a stone tablet, on which were inscribed the 256 commandments; and thus did
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he raise up the tablet, and begin to incant :
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1. Thou shalt not use overly thy exclamation mark.
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2. Thou shalt not sleep with thy redial still on.
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3. Thou shalt not use overly long borderlines, for they are an
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inconvenience, and very annoying...
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[At this point, the rest of the fragment, torn apart by the endless tides
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of time, was unreadable. -DS]
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"And thus did the tribe break the laws, and defame the pride, and curse
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the name of the Almight Modem Entity; and thus did the Entity appear, and
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the Entity spake : 'You have defamed me, and cursed me, and placed graffiti
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on my likeness; I shall rain upon you three plagues, and you will know them
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by the names of 'The American,' 'The Jackal,' and 'Inver Brass.' Thus you
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shall know my wrath.'"
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"Julia, secure in her faith, was one day met by the anti-user, who went
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by the evil name of Gandalf. And Gandalf did say :
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'You shall bow to me, Julia, for I am your master.'
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'Nay! I shall not,' saith Julia, 'for I am secure in my faith.'
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'You are not,' did spake Gandalf, 'for will you not call Twilight Zone,
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and test your faith? Shall you acquire a carrier in but a single call?'
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'I need not,' saith Julia, 'for I have called three times today, and
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I am but a poor peasant.'
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'Aha! Than submit to me, wench!'
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'No! No!'
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Julia then did call Twilight Zone, and she did achieve a carrier, and
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the modems did sing; and further, she entered her password, and her phone
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number, and the modems danced; and she was admitted, and was not booted from
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the Zone, even though she had called thrice; the modems held a party, and
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cruised the town, and generally had an all-around good time, and thus was
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Gandalf beaten back by the pure light of this miracle; thus, did Gandalf
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vanish, and Julia was in the carrier tone of the Modem Entity."
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Chapter 8 : A Sample Ritual
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---------------------------
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I was fortunate enough to work my way through the security systems, and
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actually witness one of the fascinating rituals by a cult that actually
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believes in a modem entity... the view from the other end, that of the
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Twilight Zone, is created by testimony from Rod Serling, The Enchantress,
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and Princess Leia.
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The cult gathered around the priestess, who was wearing a computer cord;
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she held up the ritual telephone, and picked up the received. She then cried
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"Damn! Busy!" three times in succession, and the circle around her repeated
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those sacred words.
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She then went to the computer, and turned it on; her servants bowed,
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and one came up with a pillow. Upon the pillow lay a disk, which the
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priestess inserted into a slot.
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The computer beeped, and executed a program, and the priestess turned
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around and said to her congregation :
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"Hear me, my children! I now attempt to logon to the Twilight Zone, for
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I am secure in my faith."
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The computer started to beep, and the priestess again picked the
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receiver, and the congregation could hear a high pitched tone. I, myself,
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was amazed by this turn of events, but the priestess accepted it.
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Rod Serling had been watching his computer with waning interest as
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Princess Leia entered another message into the computer. However, his
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eyebrows twitched when Princess Leia logged off in the middle of an
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ellipse.
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The priestess screamed, "79 messages!" and the congregation repeated
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after her. The priestess then said, in a weaker voice, "I, my children, have
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not logged on for a week. Let me have faith in the Entity that presides, and
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let there be --- 11 new messages, not 79!"
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The group around the priestess started to dance about, whooping and
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generally making a racket.
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Rod watched as a user called "The Priestess" -- whom he thought was
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another identity of Princess Leia's -- log on to the system. The Priestess
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entered "Q," and the computer responded with "79 NEW MESSAGES."
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The computer burped, and emitted a quiet squeal. "What the hell --"
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queried Serling, as the computer then printed "11 NEW MESSAGES."
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Serling shook his head, as if to clear his mind. "Damn quickscan needs
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to be fixed again," he thought to himself. It is fortunate that he did not
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see the Priestess receive level 9 access without his approval, for it is
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certain that his reason would have been unseated...
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[Copyright 1985 by Shadow Stories, Inc. All rights reserved. Any reproduction
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of this text or any portion thereof, written, electronic, or otherwise,
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cannot be produced without the express written consent of the author.]
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