textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/define.txt

  An unabridged, uncommon, and
unnecessary dictionary of computer
terms

snagged off a vax system by:
--->king herman

array:
  what comes out of buck roger's
  gun.

Assumed decimal point:
  located two positions to the right of
  a programmer's current salary in
  estimating his own worth.

Basic:
  1) what programs appear to be but
     never are.
  2) Achronym for "beginners
     all-purpose society for
     incompetent computing"

bit:
  the increment by which computer
  programmers slowly go mad.

Buffer:
  1) a job for out of work programmers
     consisting of polishing floors.
  2) The active ingredient in the
     programmer's favorite drug:
     aspirin.

Bus:
  as in greyhound or pdp, upon which
  all data commute to work.

Card reader:
  woman who tells fortunes.

Chaining:
  a method of attaching programmers to
  desks to speed up output.

Character set:
  a group of qualities that programmers
  begin to lack after many years of
  overflows and head crashes. (See: any
  term above that you don't know or
  understand, because if you don't,
  then you probably still have one.

Checkpoint:
  the location from which a programmer
<0A>  draws his salary.

Cobol:
  two bols working together on a common
  project.

Comments:
  see fixed word length.

Compiler:
  program that continually finds fault
  with your work. (See also:  wife.)

Complex:
  adjective used to describe problems
  to be avoided.

Computer crime:
  a system without star trek,
  adventure, vaxman, and the like
  installed on it.

Concatenation:
  catholic ritual performed once a year
  to bless programmers.

Constant:
  anything but a,e,i,o or u.

Core storage:
  a receptical for the center section
  of apples.

Counter:
  a device over which martinis are
  served.

Cpu:
  acronym for "central pulverizing
  utility."

Debugging aids:
  insecticides.

Dequeue:
  southern reference to queue. Example:
  "where'd you put de queue, man?"

Dummy arguements:
  discussion betweeen programmers.

Dump:
  slang term for computer building.
  (I.E. "Why do I spend so much time in
  this dump?)
<0A>
Dump list:
  list of branch offices.

Edt:
  pesticide for getting rid of cute
  little aliens.

Error:
  what someone else has made when they
  disagree with your computer output.

External storage:
  wastebasket.

Fixed word length:
  four-letter words used by programmers
  in a state of confusion.

Floating control:
  a characteristic exhibited when you
  have to go to the restroom, but can't
  leave the computer.

Floating point:
  the absolute limit before floating
  control is lost.

Flow chart:
  a graphic representation of the
  fastest route to the restroom.

For:
  a good conditional statement for
  initializing a loop. (See: loop. See
  also: watfor.)

Format:
  what you wipe your feet on before
  entering the computer building.

Fortran:
  answer to watfor

free:
  an obsolete expression.

Function:
  what a program never does on the
  first run.

Global variable:
  a variable who likes to travel.

Goto:
<0A>  often used in conjunction with
  biblical locations. (See also: fixed
  word length.)

Hardware:
  frozen software.

Head crash:
  last step before computer goto,
  usually executed by programmer
  crashing his head against the nearest
  wall.

Hex:
  a spell cast on anyone deciding to be
  a programmer.

Infinite loop:
  see:  loop.

Input:
  food, whiskey, beer, aspirin, etc.

Interface:
  the area between a programmer's chin
  and hairline.

Interrupt:
  usually the result of a keypunch.
  (See also: head crash.)

Job queue:
  input file for operating system
  random file loss utility.

Keypunch:
  error solving procedure used by
  programmers; consists of applying
  one's fist to the teletype terminal.

Line printer:
  machine that prints lines on blank
  paper, also known as a paper
  shredder.

Lisp:
  the language of variables.

Logical operater:
  extinct species.

Loop:
  see:  infinite loop.

Looping:
<0A>  feeling experienced by drunk
  programmers.

Machine language:
  grunts, groans, squeaks, shudders,
  etc.

Macro:
  the last half of an expression of
  suprise: "holy macro!"

Mass bus:
  a very large bus, sometimes a gmc
  motor coach. (See also:  bus.)

Memory dump:
  amnesia.

Node:
  1) useless apendage.
  2) Any programmer that refuses to
     write anything but serious code.
     Similar to a four-letter word
     beginning in the same letter, but
     ending in "erd".

Operator:
  the person who always rips your
  program in half when removing it from
  the line printer. (See also:
  inefficient.)

Output:
  see also:  floating conrol.

Overflow:
  condition resulting from exceeding
  floating point.

Pascal:
  traveling between utah and mexico (or
  the other way around).

Pinbol:
  most widely used language. Terminals
  usually found in pool halls, bars,
  etc.

Pointer:
  a breed of hunting dog.

Post mortem dump:
  place for dead programmers. (See
  also:  dump.)

<0A>Programmer:
  1) red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable
     of conversing with inanimate
     objects.
  2) People who pass themselves off as
     exacting experts on the basis of
     being able to turn out, after
     innumerable debugging sessions, an
     infinite series of incomprehen-
     sible answers calculated with
     micrometric precision from vague
     assumptions based on debatable
     figures taken from inconclusive
     documents of problematical
     accuracy by persons of dubious
     reliability and questionable
     mentality for the purpose of
     annoying and confounding a
     hopelessly defenseless department
     that was unfortunate enough to
     have asked for the information.

Queue:
  stick used for the playing of pocket
  billiards.

Register:
  often found in stores.

Significant digit:
  middle finger of either hand,
  commonly used by programmers when
  talking to operators. (I.E.He gave
  the operatror two significant
  digits.)

Sin:
  not attending concatenation services.

Serial:
  what you pour milk (or whatever) over
  and eat for breakfast (e.G. Frosted
  flakes, cheerios, sugar pops, fruit
  loops, oatmeal, etc.).

Serial interface:
  what happens when a programmer's
  breakfast misses his (or her) mouth.
  (See: interface, serial.)

Snobol:
  what programmers throw at operators
  during the winter.

Spitbol:
<0A>  what programmers shoot in class.

Stack pointer:
  pointer used in hunting buxom women.

Symbol:
  loud percussion instrument.

Tape:
  sometimes used to chain programmers.

Tape drive:
  device best known for its ability to
  have lunch in the middle of reading
  the only copy of a source tape.

Terminal:
  condition programmer reaches just
  before a post mortem dump is
  required.

Text editor:
  employee of the local newspaper.

Trapezoidal rule:
  country ruled entirely by trapezoids.

Underflow:
  symptom of an impotent programmer.

Variable:
  bisexual programmer.

Watfor:
  statement frequently uttered by
  computer science students.