textfiles/bbs/humor.txt

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THE RICH MAN USES VASELINE,
THE POOR MAN USES LARD;
THE WORKER USES AXLE GREASE
BUT GETS IT TWICE AS HARD.
 
YOUR SPPONING DAYS ARE OVER,
AND YOUR PILOT LIGHT IS OUT;
WHEN WHAT USED TO BE YOUR SEX APPEAL
IS NOW YOUR WATER SPOUT!
  
Definition of old age:
 
When it takes you all night to do what you used to spend all 
night doing!!!
 
A certain young sheik I'm not namin'
Asked a flapper he thought he was tamin'
       "Have you your maidenhead?"
       "Don't be foolish," she said,
"But I still have the box thar it came in."
  
When entering a new office, how can you tell which 
word processor was last used by the Polish secretary??
            
 
 
 
It's the one with white-out all over the screen.
  
There was a young brave who got hot
And chased an old squaw who was not.
    So she stuffed her canal
    With some dried chapparal,
And sprinkled some sand on her twat.
  
What do you call a man who has herpes, syphilis and AIDS?
Continue (Y/N)? What?!?       Y                 
 
 
 
 
 
 
An incurable romantic!!
   
 
 
Withdrawal, according to Freud,
Is a very good thing to avoid.
     If practiced each day,
     Your balls will decay
To the size of a small adenoid.
 
Freud's opinion, said old Dr. Steckel,
Isn't worth a Confederate shekel.
      Withdrawal is fun ----
      But beware lest the sun
Should cause the withdrawn parts to freckle.
  
  
  
Pity the poor spermatozoa!
His life leads him lower and lower.
     With fears in his belly
     He swims through the jelly,
But seldom increases the scoah.
  
Did you hear about the young lady who's nickname was Federal 
Express?
 
 
 
 
When she went to a dates apartment, it was absolutely, 
positively guaranteed that she's be there overnight.
  
There was a young lady of Totten
Whose tastes grew perverted and rotten.
      She cared not for steaks,
      Or for pastry and cakes,
But just lived for Penis au Gratin.
  
There was a young man of Malacca
Continue (Y/N)? What?!?       Y                 
Who always slept on his left knacker.
    One Saturday night
    He slept on the right,
And his knacker went off like a cracker.
 
There was a young man of Madras
Who was screwing a girl in the grass,
    But the tropical sun
    Spoiled half of his fun
By burning the skin off his arse.
  
There was an old man of New York
Whose tool was as dry as a cork.
      While attempting to screw
      He split it in two,
Now he uses his tool as a fork.
 
  
There was a young lady named Perkin
Who swallowed an extra large gherkin.
    Now she doesn't spend much
    On Kotex and such,
On account of her drain isn't workin'.
B > 37  THEN X=1
 > 37 THEN Z=1
325
EK(343)=247 THEN W=-1
ND ***
EK(338)=251 THEN X=-1
EK(338)=254 THEN X=1
EK(339)=251 THEN Y=-1
EK(345)=251 THEN Y=1
There was an old man from Robles
Who went out to dine with some nobles.
    At the risk of his life,
    He fucked the host's wife,
Continue (Y/N)? What?!?       Y                 
And now, so 'tis said, he has no balls.
  
There was a young man from Tahiti
Who went for a swim with his sweetie,
    And as he pursued her
    A blind barracuda
Ran off with his masculinity.
  
There was a young fellow named Tom
Who ran screaming home to his mom.
    The fear of the Bomb
    Scared him back in the womb-----
The bastard, he wasn't so dumb!
  
There was an old rake from Stamboul
Felt his ardor grow suddenly cool.
     No lack of affection
     Reduced his erection----
But his zipper got caught in his tool.
  
There was a young girl of high station
Who ruined her fine reputation
    When she said she'd the pox
    From sucking on cocks-----
She should really have called it "fellation."
    
When the Bermondsey bricklayers struck,
Bill Bloggins was 'aving a fuck.
     By un-ion rules
     He 'ad to down tools----
Now wasn't that bloody 'ard luck!!
 
 
What did the fly say as he landed on the circular saw?
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"They're off...!!"
 
 
 
Did you hear the one about the pregnant sparrow?
 
 
She only did it for lark.
 
A MAN KEPT A LOCKED DRAWER IN HIS BEDROOM FOR 30 YEARS BUT ONE 
DAY HE LEFT IT OPEN AND HIS WIFE FOUND TWO GOLF BALLS AND 
$5,000 IN CASH IN IT. WHEN SHE ASKED HIM ABOUT IT, HE SAID 
THAT EVERYTIME HE CHEATED ON HER HE PLACED A GOLF BALL IN THE 
DRAWER. SHE THOUGHT THAT WAS GREAT THAT HE HAD ONLY CHEATED 
TWICE IN 30 YEARS UNTIL HE TOLD HER THAT EVERYTIME HE 
ACCUMULATED A DOZEN GOLF BALLS HE SOLD THEM FOR $10 !!!!!
  
     
Have you seen Dolly Parton's new shoes...???
 
 
 
 
Neither has she....!!!!
 
There was a young fellow named Rule,
Who went to a library school.
    As he fingered the index
    His thoughts ran to sex,
And his blood all ran to his tool.
 
A girl by the green Susquehanna
Said she would do it manana,
     But her lover got sore
     And sailed off to Lahore....
And now she must use a banana!!!!
Continue (Y/N)? What?!?       Y                 
 
A widow whose singular vice
Was to keep her late husband on ice
    Said, "It's been hard since I lost him--
    I'll never defrost him!
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
 
There was a young girl of Asturias 
With a penchant for practices curious.
     She loved to bat rocks
     With her gentlemen's cocks---
A practice both rude and injurious.
 
There was a young Queen of Baroda
Who built a new kind of pagoda.
    The walls of its halls
    Were festooned with the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.
 
What has 132 teeth and guards the Incredible Hulk....????
 
 
 
 
 
 
My zipper....!!!!
 
Sick joke department:
 
What do the initial letters NASA stand for...???
 
 
 
 
Need Another Seven Astronauts
 
 
Did you hear about the fellow who had diarrhea and ran all the 
way to the doctor because he thought he was melting...???

 
Did you hear about the 95 year-old man who had been picked up 
Continue (Y/N)? What?!?       Y                 
by a 20 year-old girl and spent the night with her?  It seems 
that about two weeks later he started to drip, so he visited 
his doctor for advice - after a complete examination the 
doctor asked the old man if he happened to know where the girl 
lived.  "Yes," said the old man, "and I have her phone number 
as well."  "In that case," said the doctor, "call her up right 
away and get over there - you're about to come...!!!"
HELP ME I'M SINKING


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