textfiles/anarchy/MISCHIEF/carbowl.txt

IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, IT'S A . . . BONK!    



WOMEN OFTEN ASK, ''WHAT do men really want, deep in their
souls?''



The best answer--based on in-depth analysis of the complex and
subtle interplay of thought, instinct and emotion that
constitutes the male psyche--is that deep in their souls, men
want to watch stuff go ''bang.''



When I was about 10 years old, my friend Neil Thompson and I
found a heavy old industrial washing machine that somebody had
dumped in the woods. We spent an entire afternoon laboriously
rolling the washing machine up a hill and pushing it off the
edge of a small cliff. It would tumble down and smash onto some
rocks, and we'd immediately go down and start laboriously
rolling it back up the hill again. We would never have expended
that kind of effort on anything useful, such as mowing a lawn.
But it was worth the hard work. Because of the ''bang.''



Of course as males mature and become responsible members of
society, they are less likely to spend their time pushing
washing machines off cliffs. They are more likely to pursue an
activity such as Car Bowling. This is an exciting new sport that
I found out about from an alert reader named Robert Grimm. He
referred me to a friend of his named Mark Luman, a pilot in
Michigan, who informed me that what he and his pilot friends
sometimes do, for recreation, is go up in airplanes and drop
bowling balls on cars.



At this point, many of you women are thinking, ''They drop what?
On what? From what?'' Whereas you men, because of your complex
and subtle psychic interplay, are thinking: ''When can I do
this?''



I have to admit that the idea of Car Bowling appealed to me,
although I did have a couple of concerns, the main ones being:



1. Are there motorists in these cars?



2. Do the pilots wear rental shoes?



I am pleased to report that the answer to both questions is
''no.'' Luman told me that in Car Bowling, you use an unoccupied
junk car, which you place on the runway of a private airport.
Then you fly over in a small plane, going 80 to 90 miles per
hour at an altitude of 20 to 50 feet, and attempt to hit the car
with a bowling ball. If you succeed, you get the sense of inner
spiritual gratification that comes from seeing what happens to a
car that has been hit by a bowling ball. But the beauty of Car
Bowling is that even if you miss, you get a very positive
result, from the male perspective.



''You cannot imagine,'' said Luman, ''how far a bowling ball
will bounce when it hits a hard surface at that speed. It's
amazing.''



But fun though it is, I believe that Car Bowling could be
adapted to provide major social benefits in the field of
shopping-mall parking enforcement. Think how many times you've
been inconvenienced at the mall because some jerk has left his
car sprawled across two parking spaces. Right now little can be
done about this, because the law prohibits mall security
personnel from writing parking tickets. But the law does not--I
urge you to confirm this for yourself--specifically state that
mall security personnel may not drop bowling balls on improperly
parked cars from low-flying aircraft. And if I know anything
about mall security personnel, they would jump at the chance.



Oh, sure, there would be a certain degree of risk. You cannot
guarantee 100 percent surgical accuracy with this kind of
operation; you're going to have some unfortunate situations
where an errant bowling ball, traveling at 85 miles an hour,
blasts through the wall of, say, a crowded greeting-card store.
But that will be a small price to pay if motorists start showing
some respect for the parking-lot lines. As the old saying goes:
''You can't make an omelet without jeopardizing the lives of
innocent people.''



Speaking of high-speed bowling balls, here's a:



Trebuchet Update You may recall that some months ago I wrote a
column about three Texas guys--John Quincy, Richard Clifford and
Don Capers--who want to build a trebuchet--a medieval weapon
similar to, but more advanced than, a catapult--capable of
hurling a Buick 200 yards. I'm pleased to report that they've
made important progress in the form of producing hats, T-shirts
and official stationery that says ''International Hurling
Society.''



Also they made a video. It opens with an arty shot of their
prototype trebuchet silhouetted against the sky; dramatic music
is playing in the background. A somber voice says: ''We have
created a weapon of war that the world has not seen in more than
500 years. Why?''



Then another voice says: ''I have no idea.''



This is followed by scenes of the prototype hurling bowling
balls an astounding distance. Watching it, I couldn't help but
think: This thing could definitely bring down a small plane.



Not that I am suggesting anything. 



DAVE BARRY is a Miami Herald columnist and best-selling humorist
whose syndicated column appears on Sundays.