146 lines
4.9 KiB
Plaintext
146 lines
4.9 KiB
Plaintext
IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, IT'S A . . . BONK!
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
WOMEN OFTEN ASK, ''WHAT do men really want, deep in their
|
||
souls?''
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
The best answer--based on in-depth analysis of the complex and
|
||
subtle interplay of thought, instinct and emotion that
|
||
constitutes the male psyche--is that deep in their souls, men
|
||
want to watch stuff go ''bang.''
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
When I was about 10 years old, my friend Neil Thompson and I
|
||
found a heavy old industrial washing machine that somebody had
|
||
dumped in the woods. We spent an entire afternoon laboriously
|
||
rolling the washing machine up a hill and pushing it off the
|
||
edge of a small cliff. It would tumble down and smash onto some
|
||
rocks, and we'd immediately go down and start laboriously
|
||
rolling it back up the hill again. We would never have expended
|
||
that kind of effort on anything useful, such as mowing a lawn.
|
||
But it was worth the hard work. Because of the ''bang.''
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Of course as males mature and become responsible members of
|
||
society, they are less likely to spend their time pushing
|
||
washing machines off cliffs. They are more likely to pursue an
|
||
activity such as Car Bowling. This is an exciting new sport that
|
||
I found out about from an alert reader named Robert Grimm. He
|
||
referred me to a friend of his named Mark Luman, a pilot in
|
||
Michigan, who informed me that what he and his pilot friends
|
||
sometimes do, for recreation, is go up in airplanes and drop
|
||
bowling balls on cars.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
At this point, many of you women are thinking, ''They drop what?
|
||
On what? From what?'' Whereas you men, because of your complex
|
||
and subtle psychic interplay, are thinking: ''When can I do
|
||
this?''
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
I have to admit that the idea of Car Bowling appealed to me,
|
||
although I did have a couple of concerns, the main ones being:
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
1. Are there motorists in these cars?
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
2. Do the pilots wear rental shoes?
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
I am pleased to report that the answer to both questions is
|
||
''no.'' Luman told me that in Car Bowling, you use an unoccupied
|
||
junk car, which you place on the runway of a private airport.
|
||
Then you fly over in a small plane, going 80 to 90 miles per
|
||
hour at an altitude of 20 to 50 feet, and attempt to hit the car
|
||
with a bowling ball. If you succeed, you get the sense of inner
|
||
spiritual gratification that comes from seeing what happens to a
|
||
car that has been hit by a bowling ball. But the beauty of Car
|
||
Bowling is that even if you miss, you get a very positive
|
||
result, from the male perspective.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
''You cannot imagine,'' said Luman, ''how far a bowling ball
|
||
will bounce when it hits a hard surface at that speed. It's
|
||
amazing.''
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
But fun though it is, I believe that Car Bowling could be
|
||
adapted to provide major social benefits in the field of
|
||
shopping-mall parking enforcement. Think how many times you've
|
||
been inconvenienced at the mall because some jerk has left his
|
||
car sprawled across two parking spaces. Right now little can be
|
||
done about this, because the law prohibits mall security
|
||
personnel from writing parking tickets. But the law does not--I
|
||
urge you to confirm this for yourself--specifically state that
|
||
mall security personnel may not drop bowling balls on improperly
|
||
parked cars from low-flying aircraft. And if I know anything
|
||
about mall security personnel, they would jump at the chance.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Oh, sure, there would be a certain degree of risk. You cannot
|
||
guarantee 100 percent surgical accuracy with this kind of
|
||
operation; you're going to have some unfortunate situations
|
||
where an errant bowling ball, traveling at 85 miles an hour,
|
||
blasts through the wall of, say, a crowded greeting-card store.
|
||
But that will be a small price to pay if motorists start showing
|
||
some respect for the parking-lot lines. As the old saying goes:
|
||
''You can't make an omelet without jeopardizing the lives of
|
||
innocent people.''
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Speaking of high-speed bowling balls, here's a:
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Trebuchet Update You may recall that some months ago I wrote a
|
||
column about three Texas guys--John Quincy, Richard Clifford and
|
||
Don Capers--who want to build a trebuchet--a medieval weapon
|
||
similar to, but more advanced than, a catapult--capable of
|
||
hurling a Buick 200 yards. I'm pleased to report that they've
|
||
made important progress in the form of producing hats, T-shirts
|
||
and official stationery that says ''International Hurling
|
||
Society.''
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Also they made a video. It opens with an arty shot of their
|
||
prototype trebuchet silhouetted against the sky; dramatic music
|
||
is playing in the background. A somber voice says: ''We have
|
||
created a weapon of war that the world has not seen in more than
|
||
500 years. Why?''
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Then another voice says: ''I have no idea.''
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
This is followed by scenes of the prototype hurling bowling
|
||
balls an astounding distance. Watching it, I couldn't help but
|
||
think: This thing could definitely bring down a small plane.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Not that I am suggesting anything.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
DAVE BARRY is a Miami Herald columnist and best-selling humorist
|
||
whose syndicated column appears on Sundays.
|
||
|
||
|