449 lines
26 KiB
Plaintext
449 lines
26 KiB
Plaintext
SUBJECT: WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO AN ALIEN? FILE: UFO2839
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BY ERIN MURPHY for OMNI
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The alien spacecraft settles noiselessly to the ground. Having been alerted by
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radio signals several weeks before of the extraterrestrials' peaceful
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diplomatic mission to Earth, world leaders stand ready to welcome the
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visitors. As the aliens emerge, President Clinton steps forward on behalf of
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his peers to greet them. He extends his hand and says . . .
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Well, your guess is as good as ours on that count.
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Omni asked Clinton recently what he would say to such an unprecedented
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delegation. He never responded. Neither did First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton,
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Vice President Al Gore, White House senior adviser George Stephanopoulos, or
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the members of the cabinet. Health-care reform, the crime bill, and not
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invading Haiti do make for a busy schedule, but couldn't they have found just
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a couple of minutes to ponder such an intriguing scenario, particularly in an
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era when more people than ever before believe that we are not alone in the
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universe? Or, for the conspiracy-minded, do they have something to hide?
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We posed our question to every member of Congress, to, and we're glad to
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report that one intrepid senator from Tennessee sent us a delightful and
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insightful answer, welcoming our fictional visitors as only a denizen of
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Capitol Hill could. We canvassed staffers in virtually every branch of the
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federal government as well, and the three responses prove that while humor may
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be rare indeed in the government, it's not altogether extinct.
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We didn't restrict our survey to the U.S. government. We asked world leaders,
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governors of all 50 states and the U.S. territories, mayors of major U.S.
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cities, and influential figures in the arts, science, the media, and other
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fields. Four governors and one mayor sent us thoughtful responses, with the
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wily governor of Puerto Rico concocting a truly stellar ad campaign for his
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island's tourism industry.
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We heard from three Pulitzer Prize-winners: Playwright Arthur Miller
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delivered a cautionary message to would-be visitors, humorist Dave Barry has
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a pressing question of his own, and Bloom County and Outland cartoonist
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Berkeley Breathed relayed his version of Opus the Penguin's close encounter of
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the third kind.
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Cosmopolitan editor Helen Gurley Brown reminded us in her response that
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traveling hundreds of light-years must be terribly draining. Not to worry,
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Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous host Robin Leach and author Harlan Ellison
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have figured out the perfect refreshments to offer pinkish extraterrestrials.
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Those are just a few of the fascinating responses we received.
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Actually, some of the notes from our survey subjects telling us why they
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couldn't answer our letter were even more entertaining. James Earl Jones, who
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gave voice to the most imposing fictional alien around, Darth Vader, told us
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via his publicist that he's "not comfortable with this kind of article and
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does not feel he has anything to say in this context. "Maryland governor
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William Donald Schaefer "prefers not to comment on possible extraterrestrial
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beings visiting Earth. "David Letterman, according to his executive assistant,
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is "currently putting all of his energies into making the show a complete
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success." We were hoping that Dave would deliver one of his trademark Top Ten
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lists, but since he didn't come through, we went ahead and made up our own.
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Now we'd like to hear from Omni's readers. What would you say to a peaceful
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alien delegation to Earth?
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Joseph Duffey
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Director, U.S. Information Agency
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I would be torn, as many might be, between the impulse to be oh so serious and
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the impulse to be very, very silly. In any case, I submit to you two
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greetings, one for each impulse: "At last! An impartial jury for the O.J.
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Simpson trial." Welcome, strangers. Were you lonely, too?
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Jane Alexander
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Chairman, National Endowment for the Arts
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I would say, "Let me show you what it means to be human." And then I would
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take them to the theater, the symphony hall, the opera house, the movies, the
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museums. I would show them our great architecture and design, read poems, tell
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stories to them, take them to see the paintings of da Vinci, Georgia O'Keeffe,
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and Picasso, to a Greek tragedy or a comedy by Shakespeare, to hear Louis
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Armstrong, Mozart, and Oklahoma! I would show them the grace of dancers, the
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elegance of a bow passed across the violin's strings, and the profundity of a
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child drawing a picture of her mother. And then, after a crash course in our
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culture, when the gain insight into our imaginative life, our truest
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expressions of our humanity, I would ask them: "What is art where you live?"
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And I would hope to be swept up by their story. And I would hope that we could
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go on telling each other our stories long after they had intended to fly away.
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Leonard Nimoy
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Actor and director
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Due to language barriers and other sociological considerations, it is highly
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unlikely that we will have any success with verbal communications. I have
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therefore handed the assignment to my friend, Spock, who is highly skilled in
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nonverbal diplomacy. I have great trust that he will handle matters
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successfully.
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Berkeley Breathed
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Cartoonist, Bloom County, Outland
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Priorities would have to be decided, of course. Naturally, official victim
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status would need to be established, a grievance group founded, and
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letterheads designed. A suitable term for their minority would need to be
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determined even before their feet, or tentacles, or ambulatory hair follicles
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reached the ground from their craft. For instance, "alien of color" or
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"noncolor" if pigment-challenged. The Los Angeles Times would have to be
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informed of these terms and their stylebook appropriately changed. At that
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point we could move forward to nailing down a merchandising deal. Anything
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else would be small talk.
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Pedro Rossello
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Governor, Puerto Rico
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Friendly star-travelers arrive. How do I greet them? All right. Let's see.
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Well, I guess I could do worse than to give them our standard treatment . . .
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"Welcome to Puerto Rico, the United States' Island of enchantment in the
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Caribbean Sea . . . and--since the honor seems to have fallen to me--on behalf
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of all God's creatures on this planet, welcome to Earth." Assuming they
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understood that much in either Spanish or English. I might then be inspired to
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add . . . "Don't take this wrong, esteemed visitors, but your decidedly
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extraterrestrial appearance--coupled with your magnificent vehicle--have given
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me an irresistible idea: Could you possibly stay around long enough to do a
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couple of tourism-promotion commercials for us?" What an opportunity! I can
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see it now:
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for a certifiably
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OUT OF THIS WORLD
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Vacation Experience
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sail, fly or warp-speed yourself to the Cosmic Continent of Puerto Rico!
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"Great folks. Our favorite Earthlings." -- The Alpha Centauri Six
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Obviously disposed to humor the homeboys, our guests readily assent. Then,
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after I scramble my troops via cellular phone (trying to assemble a camera
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crew at 3:00 in the morning), we engage in some small talk while waiting to
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shoot the immortal endorsement spots. Sure enough, I ascertain that our sunny
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soil has been selected as Landing Site One because the first Search for
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Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI) signals they received were transmitted
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from the world-famous radio telescope situated in the mountains above arecibo,
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Puerto Rico. What a deal! Are we on the map, or what? Is our admission as
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America's 51st state a cinch, or what? Am I as good as re-elected, or what?
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What, what, what? Alas, the alarm clock rang and I woke up. But it sure was
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fun while it lasted.
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Arno Penzias
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Vice President of Research, AT&T Bell Labs
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Personally, I'd like to make sure that both sides got a lot of preparatory
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material before the folks in question actually set flipper on the Earth. Given
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their evident technological superiority, we would probably have to take their
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peaceful intentions at face value and help them get as much data about us as
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they would care to have. Hopefully, that would give them enough insight to
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avoid triggering a social calamity when one of them gets on a talk show, or
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meets an overly ambitious politician. Assuming then, that I could leave such
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practical cares aside, I'd tell them about our attempts to find the meaning of
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life. Like us, they probably know more than they can prove. Perhaps we can
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find some common ground in our contemplation of the universe we both inhabit.
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I'd sure like to find out.
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Dave Barry
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Humorist
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"Do you guys have cable?"
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Paul Bohannan
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Anthropologist and writer
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What would I say to an "extraterrestrial delegation" visiting Earth? It seems
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to me that it makes little difference what we say. Far more important is that
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we listen and pay attention to what we hear. The most important single factor
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would be overcoming our fears. Human nature developed evolutionarily in
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situation that made it wise for us to distrust strangers. First contact
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between Columbus and the Caribbean natives began on a friendly note--but both
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were soon overcome by fear; the situation deteriorated fast, and Columbus
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kidnapped several of them. The Pilgrims were greeted in English when they
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landed--a local Indian had spent twenty years as a slave in England,
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recognized them, and could talk to them. Unfortunately we have no record of
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what either of them said. Cortes had a clumsy system of interpretation (from
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Aztec to Mayan to Spanish via a Spaniard he had "rescued" after some years
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among the Maya, including a Mayan wife). The major question: Who is going to
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be the interpreter? Do we trust the interpreter? How do we deal with our own
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terror that these extraterrestrials have come to destroy us? How do we keep
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from mobbing or killing or enslaving them? The problem is with ourselves at
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least as much as with the aliens, no matter what problems they present. We
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have to be sure we understand what, if any, problems they do in fact present.
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What we hear from inside ourselves--our own fears--is or far greater moment
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than what they hear from us (and, without that interpreter, wouldn't
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understand in any case). Only then can we talk to them!
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Bruce Campbell
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Actor, The Adventures of Brisco Country, Jr., Evil Dead
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If friendly aliens happened upon our planet, my message to them would be very
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simple: "What took you so long?!"
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Kirk Fordice
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Governor, Mississippi
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"Welcome to the State of Mississippi, one of fifty United States of America,
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on a planet known as Earth, third planet from the sun, located in this
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beautiful outer fringe of the Milky way. We greet you in peace. We welcome you
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in the same adventurous spirit that led you to break away from your home
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planets--if indeed you come from planets--for we have a history of courageous
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adventure all our own. Our country was discovered by a man who bravely went
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against conventional wisdom that the world was flat in order to found a New
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World--America. Brave souls from all continents of Earth left the only homes
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they had ever known to come to this New World in search of freedom from
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oppression of all kinds: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men
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are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain
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unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of
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Happiness.--Declaration of Independence. We welcome you also in the names of
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the brave men and women of Earth's space programs, who gave enormously of
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their talents and lives to reach the moon and beyond. As you pass our only
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natural satellite, please note the American flag symbolizing the "giant leap"
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of faith, resources, and determination we made in achieving this victory over
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the cold void of space. I deeply regret to say that it has been almost a
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quarter of a century since we have ventured so far out again. This is
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attributable to the shortsightedness of many of our past and present elected
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leaders. It is my sincere hope that this, too, will pass and that, once again,
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we will take to the stars in quest of knowledge and excellence--and the many
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benefits that obtaining such knowledge bestows on all humankind. We commend
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your obvious technological achievements from which we hope to learn. We invite
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you to sample the great literature, artwork of all kinds, pinnacles of
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philosophical and religious thought, and marvelous botany and wildlife
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comprising our planet and history. Where a world and a species of enormous
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potential. If you come to evaluate us, judge us on our successes as well as
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our failures. While we have not always made the best use of our potential, we
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are a species of much courage, capable of great understanding, conviction, and
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achievement."
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Harian Mathews
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U.S. Senator, Tennessee
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I would welcome extraterrestrial visitors to Washington, DC, by telling them I
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thought I'd landed on a different planet myself when I came here two and a
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half years ago. If they'd arrived during some days of the 103rd congress, I'd
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have asked for a lift back to Tennessee. They'd probably be dropping Elvis at
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Graceland, anyhow, and my native Nashvill is on the way. My first words would
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be directed to my fellow senators. I'd say that if extraterrestrials can
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traverse a galaxy to reach Capitol Hill, Republicans and Democrats should be
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able to cross a carpet to reach a compromise. 1994 was an election year, so
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extraterrestrials might be mistaken for newly arriving senators and
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congressmen--many of whom already are suspected of being from another planet.
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Of course, the extraterrestrials probably spent less to get here, and they
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arrived by spaceship, whereas politicians usually reach Washington by telling
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voters what an awful place it is. Most of all, I would welcome our new friends
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with a particular hope: that the people of our worlds--not the governments or
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ambassadors but the everyday folks who constitute the life of worlds--will
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share wondrous possibilities. I would assure them we are not perfect nor is
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our Earth ideal. But I also would say there is something in humanity that
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tries to rise above our shortcomings. For that, we are worth knowing. I would
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add my hope that the meeting of our worlds will make us both better than we
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are alone.
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Douglas Rushkoff
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Author, Cyberia: Life in the Trenches of Hyperspace
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My response may come off as flip at first, but it really does encapsulate what
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I'd say if they came: "Please pardon our appearance while we remodel."
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Tome Servo
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Urbane robot co-host of Mystery Science Theater 3000
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Okay, first of, let's not make the classic and erroneous assumption that
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anybody who's able to hurl a can a few dozen light-years is automatically
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smarter than us. I mean, sure, it's a momentous occasion and all, but we don't
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have to fall all over ourselves to show them how friggin' great they are, do
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we? I think you should let me handle this. First, I'd open with a joke. Let's
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assume that if they're so damn smart to come there in the first place, they'd
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know a little of the local tongue. If the aliens had butts, I might try the
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classic, "Can I touch your butt?" That'd catch 'em off guard; it always does.
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If they understood this risky yet sensitive greeting, they might immediately
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sense our strength and vulnerability, the essentially dualistic nature of the
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earthbound, eternally struggling for balance and equanimity, grasping for the
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serene supernal, yet mired in he physical plane, the poignant, ironic,
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fragile state of the world community. Then perchance they might offer us their
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butts to touch, and a new age for humankind would open, the childhood endeth,
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the future made manifest, a communion transcending, beyond time and space.
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Then again they might hit me and go right back where they came from, so I
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probably wouldn't open with, "Can I touch your butt?" Probably don't have
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butts anyway, poor misshapen geeks . . . I'm sorry, what was the question
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again?
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Walter J. Hickel
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Governor, Alaska
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In 1936, I graduated from high school in Claflin, Kansas. I remember our
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teacher telling our graduating class that within our lifetime, man would walk
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on the moon. Now Claflin, Kansas, which is populated by German Catholics, was
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a very religious community, and any talk of man going to the moon--God's moon-
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-was not warmly received. But I could picture it in my mind. I saw it as clear
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as a bell, and knew it would happen. Thirty years later, as Secretary of the
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Interior, I stood at Cape Kennedy and watched as Apollo 11 lifted off,
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destined for the moon. Since that time, I have been privileged to sit on the
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National Space Board, where the focus of our mission was to design the first
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manned colony on the moon. I have always believed that mankind should strop
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warring and, instead, channel our energies into pioneering projects that serve
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the progress of civilization. Whether that civilization is within a region, or
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across international boundaries, or interplanetary, is not what's important.
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My message to such a delegation of extraterrestrials would be: "We welcome you
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in peace. We have much to learn, and much to teach."
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Arthur Miller
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Playwright
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"Go back! Go back! You can get killed her!"
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Edward G. Rendell
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Mayor, Philadelphia
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After a quick hello, I'd ask them if they had a cure for AIDS, unemployment,
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crime, drugs, hopelessness, and the breakdown of the family. Hope springs
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eternal!
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Steve Allen
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Writer and comedian
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To Our Visitors:
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We have translated the key part of your recent message as, "We are peaceful,
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and we're dropping by for a visit." If ours were a largely rational universe,
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your statement could be taken at face value. But our own judgment, on Planet
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Earth, must inevitably be conditioned by long centuries of experience, and it
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had been our finding that such protestations, when made by Earthlings, have
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often been lies. If you are indeed peaceful you are unlikely to consider us
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warlike. This is not because we fear you, and this largely because we know
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practically nothing about you. We assume that because you have managed to
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reach our part of space, you far exceed our own competence in matters
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scientific. This, in turn, suggest that your intelligence is superior to our
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own. Unfortunately, there has been no necessary connection, at least on our
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planet, between intelligence and virtue, so as regards your either short-term
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or ultimate intentions, we can do little more, for the present, than hope for
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the best. But I must issue a warning, and it is one that I hope you will take
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seriously. In saying this I intend no threat; I do not warn against acting on
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such aggressive tendencies as you might harbor but rather of our own long
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habituation to the most bloodthirsty behavior. There is scarcely a page of our
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history that is not stained with blood. Secondly you should be aware, for your
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own protection, that of all the hundreds of thousands of living creatures you
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will find on our planet, we humans are, beyond the slightest question, the
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most dangerous. It is true that there are other creatures that can inflict
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harm, but they do so purely in self-defense or in accordance with their own
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nature, to satisfy their hunger. That fearful creature known among humans as
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the man-eating shark, for example, knows nothing of the human emotion of
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viciousness. He si simply dangerous to other creatures when he is hungry. The
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aggression of animals, therefore, is entirely understandable. The more ominous
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aggression of humans has a large component of irrationality to it. You will
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not even be able to depend on out acting in self-interest, for if that were
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our only concern we would scarcely ever have initiated a war. And yet wars
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have not only sporadically broken out to separate long periods of peace: it
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has rather been the other way around. War seems to be our natural state, times
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of peace come about because of either emotional, physical, or economic
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exhaustion. Except for a few of us--who are often harshly criticized--we
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humans do not seem to have any natural aptitude for peace whatever, partly,
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perhaps, because peace is a blank, a negative, and absence of something,
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whereas war is concrete, definite, and active. You will find that we humans
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are remarkably gifted at waging war, whereas we are clumsy amateurs when
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maintaining a peace. There is a certain amount of grim humor, I suppose, in
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the possibility that, although we have traditionally, historically been
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embroiled in tribal rivalries, your unexpected coming may serve to bring us
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together by forcing us to realize that we are, after all, one human family.
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But whether this happy outcome results or not, I would suggest that you do not
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long turn your backs on us. And yet--such is the mystery of life in our
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peculiar corner of the universe that many of us are also capable of the most
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exquisitely tender concern for our fellow creatures, an ability to love that
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extends even to the lesser animals. It is from this primary, primitive
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emotion, I suspect, that there comes our sometimes astonishing ability to
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create beauty, whether that attribute takes the form of painting, music,
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sculpture, poetry, drama, or any other art. Perhaps the greatest favor you can
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bestow on us is to share your opinion of the purpose of life, for we have
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neverknown what it is. There is no shortage of theories, of course, but they
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are legion and many are mutually exclusive. It is tragic, in fact, that some
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of our most savage wars have been among groups that differed in regard to this
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one basic question. Most of us, in the total absence of an ability to explain
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either the physical universe or the reason for its existence in the first
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place, simply assume that there is some all-powerful spirit that has created
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literally everything. But even our most intuitive theologians have always been
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at a loss to explain why a benevolent deity would create poisonous snakes and
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spiders, deadly plants, and billions of bacteria and viruses that will kill
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millions all over our planet. It follow, therefore, that if you are in a
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position to enlighten us on such age-old questions, we will be profoundly
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grateful.
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Helen Gurley Brown
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Editor, Cosmopolitan
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I don't mean to be too sensible or realistic, but I doubt I would be able to
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get anyplace near the peaceful extraterrestrials who visited Earth. They would
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immediately be snapped up by Hard Copy, Prime Time, 20/20, I.C.M., Creative
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Artists and other talent agencies, Elite and Eileen Ford and other modeling
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agencies, and asked to be quests of honor at a dozen fundraisers . . . how
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could you get to them? If I eve did, I would just say, "Hello, I'm glad you
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finally got here. Are you feeling jet-lagged, dehydrated, or debilitated in
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any way from your long trip? It's nice to see you."
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George Carlin
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Comedian
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"Get out! Go back! Save yourselves! You don't know what you're getting into.
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Prolonged contact with our species can only degrade your present standards,
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whatever they are."
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Bernard Shaw
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Principal Anchor, CNN
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I would not assume the delegation could speak or understand English. Nor would
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I presume to be Earth's spokesman. I would run!
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Brereton C. Jones
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Governor, Kentucky
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I was extremely intrigued by your question of how we would welcome an
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extraterrestrial delegation visiting Earth. If a member of the delegation
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stated, "Take me to your leader," I could explain that I am the leader of a
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proud group of people known as Kentuckians. I also would explain that we are a
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peace-loving people, and we are interested in learning about the other beings
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in the universe. In addition, I would want to give them two items that I
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believe would best explain who we are as a country. I would present to them a
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copy of the U.S. Constitution, and a copy of the Bible. The Constitution, I
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would tell them, is the compilation of rules that we as a people have chosen
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to follow. The Bible, I would continue, is the compilation of rules that our
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Creator has chosen for us to follow. I would explain that we do not always
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abide by all of these rules, but that we are striving to do so, and that is
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our ultimate goal. Then, I would conclude by inviting them to stay awhile, and
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sample some of the many advantages Kentucky has to offer. They are simply out
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of this world!
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Chuck Yeage
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Brigader General (retired) U.S. Air Force
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It would depend on who, when, and where. In my opinion one cannot predict what
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one would say to a bunch of extraterrestrial being unless we knew a few things
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about the conditions of the meeting.
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William Beecher
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Director, Office of Public Affairs for the U.S. Nuclear Regulatory Commission
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|
My first instinct was a flip response. "What would you like for lunch?" But,
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since you're obviously serious, I would ask how we could put together teams of
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outstanding specialists from a cross-section of disciplines to explore ways of
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|
trying to improve the quality of life on each planet, based on disparate
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lessons learned in science, medicine, history, literature,and the arts.
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Harlan Ellison
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Writer
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If, by some frenzied desalination of our murky gene pool between then and now,
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exultantly ridding us of our hideous and undying xenophobia, I suggest that we
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go out to meet them buck naked, our hands empty and palms up, extended and
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open. And I suggest we say only this: "Help us. We are very young and we want
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to know." Alternately, if we don't get the clean-up time, if it happens
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tomorrow or Thursday, then there is only one thing we should say to visiting
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aliens, and it is this: "So? You had a nice trip? Are you tired, want to wash
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up, have a bite to eat? A nice piece of brisket, maybe, some fresh fruit?
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Sweetheart, you'll suck an orange, you'll feel so refreshed! Then we can
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chat."
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Lawrence Ferlinghetti
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Poet
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Who could translate?
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Robin Leach
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Host, Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
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"Welcome--we hope you find us peaceful, too. What took you so long? We always
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believed you were out there! Would you like some champagne and caviar to
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celebrate your arrival? Then we have a million questions to ask you;
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especially, how long have you existed and how long have you known about us?
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And did you see E.T.?"
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* THE U.F.O. BBS - http://www.ufobbs.com/ufo *
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