93 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
93 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
SUBJECT: What's Alien You? FILE: UFO2294
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by Dave Barry
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I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that the Earth
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will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is thinking about
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eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to alien
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beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have atomic blaster death
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cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor
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people.
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I realize that some of you may not believe that alien beings exist. But how
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else can you explain the many unexplained phenomena that people are always
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sighting, such as lightning and flying saucers? Oh, I know the authorities
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claim these sightings are actually caused by "weather balloons," but that is a
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bucket of manure if I ever heard one. (That's just a figure of speech, of
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course. I realize manure is silent.)
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Answer this question honestly: Have you, or has any member of your immediate
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family, ever seen a weather balloon? Of course not. Nobody has. Yet if these
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so-called authorities were telling the truth, the skies over America would be
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dark with weather balloons. Commercial aviation would be impossible.
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Nevertheless, the authorities trot out this tired old explanation, or an even
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stupider one, every time a flying saucer is sighted.
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NEW YORK -- Authorities say that the gigantic, luminous object
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flying at tremendous speeds in the skies of Manhattan last night,
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which was reported by more than seven million people, including the
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mayor, a Supreme Court justice, several bishops, and thousands of
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airline pilots, brain surgeons, and certified public accountants,
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was simply an unusual air-mass inversion. "That's all it was, an
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air-mass inversion," said the authorities, in unison. Asked why the
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people also reported seeing the words "WE ARE ALIEN BEINGS WHO COME
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IN PEACE WITH CURES FOR ALL YOU MAJOR DISEASES AND A CARBURETOR THAT
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GETS 450 MILES PER GALLON HIGHWAY ESTIMATE" written on the side of
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the object in letters over three hundred feet tall, the authorities
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replied, "Well, it could also have been a weather balloon."
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Wake up, America! There are no weather balloons! Those are alien beings! They
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are all around us! I'm sure most of you have seen the movie E.T., the story of
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an alien who almost dies when he falls into the clutches of the American
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medical-care establishment, but is saved by pre-adolescent boys. Everybody
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believes that the alien is a fake, a triumph of special effects. But watch the
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movie closely next time. The alien is real! The BOYS are fakes! REAL
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pre-adolescent boys would have beaten the alien to death with rocks.
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Yes, aliens do exist. And high government officials know they exist but have
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been keeping this knowledge top secret. Here is the Untold Story:
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Years ago, when the alien-broadcast program began, government scientists
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decided to broadcast a message that would be simple, yet convey a sense of
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love, universal peace, and brotherhood: "Have a Nice Day." They broadcast this
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message over and over, day after day, year after year, until one day they got
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an answer:
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DEAR EARTH PERSONS:
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OK. WE ARE HAVING A NICE DAY. WE ALSO HAVE A NUMBER OF EXTREMELY
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SOPHISTICATED WEAPONS, AND UNLESS YOU START BROADCASTING SOMETHING
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MORE INTERESTING, WE WILL REDUCE YOUR PLANET TO A VERY WARM OBJECT
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THE SIZE OF A CHILD'S BOWLING BALL.
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REGARDS,
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THE ALIENS
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So the scientists, desperate for something that would interest the aliens,
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broadcast an episode of "I Love Lucy", and the aliens LOVED it. They demanded
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more, and soon they were getting all three major networks, and the Earth was
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saved. There is only one problem: THE ALIENS HAVE TERRIBLE TASTE. They love
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game shows, soap operas, Howard Cosell and "Dallas." Whenever a network tries
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to take one of these shows off the air, the aliens threaten to vaporize the
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planet.
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This is why you and all your friends think television is so awful. It isn't
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designed to please you: it's designed to please creatures from another galaxy.
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You know the Wisk commercial, the one with the ring around the collar, the one
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so spectacularly stupid that it makes you wonder why anybody would dream of
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buying the product? Well, the aliens LOVE that commercial. We all owe a great
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debt of gratitude to the people who make Wisk. They have not sold a single
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bottle of Wisk in 14 years, but they have saved the Earth.
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Very few people know any of this. Needless to say, Congress has no idea what
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is going on. Most legislators are incapable of eating breakfast without the
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help of several aides, so we can hardly expect them to understand a serious
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threat from outer space. But if they go ahead with their plan to cancel the
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alien-broadcast program, and the aliens miss the next episode of "General
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Hospital," what do you think will happen? Think about it. And have a nice day.
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**********************************************
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* THE U.F.O. BBS - http://www.ufobbs.com/ufo *
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