textfiles/sf/histcomp

A History of The Computer Era on Earth
By Vincent B. Navarino, The Year 2795 A.D. (Alien Date)

Today, class, we are going to talk about the people that worked in
the early days of the computer era on a planet called Earth; which
had many similarities with our great planet.  In fact, the Earth it
seems had a history almost identical to our own planet's, save for
some critical and tragic differences.

Many years ago, before the computer revolution took place on this
relatively young planet, there was an ancient concept called 'Manual
Labor.'  A concept that reached its height after the first McDonald's
opened up.  Many, many people were constantly being forced to talk
'McLanguage' which meant that the people's minds went the way of the
dodo bird. 

        - A flightless bird of old that was quite stupid

The common people that worked at such laborious tasks were usually
high school students or high school dropouts.  Since these persons
were not deemed of any value by their society, no one cared.  After
all, they still had to be home at a certain time, had to wash up
before eating, couldn't vote, and were constantly in a state called
"grounded."  Therefore they were not paid any real attention until
they became adults (i.e. paid REAL rent or moved out).

In the scheme of things on Earth there were always people who
performed 'Manual Labor.'  This was so that real people could enjoy
the benefits of not being bothered with such laborious and mundane
tasks.  After all, it is hard to get a rocket scientist out of his
house to take the trash out to the curb; he could get lost.

With the concept of 'Manual Labor' established, and the "people" to
fill such a role it left a hole that needed to be filled by society.
Meaning, if you didn't have to exert yourself what were you to do?
What would you be called?

          - And so the Computer Programmer was born

The Programmer realized that if there were people to fix his car,
flip his burgers and shine his shoes then he could enjoy the benefits
of using his mind, not his muscles.  Soon he found that he could make
tons more money than the 'Manual Laborer.'

                 - After all, he WAS smarter

However, the Programmer soon found out he was not perfect.  After
what seems like a millennium he had to grudgingly admit that he was
flawed.  He lacked an adversary.  Truth be told, he needed someone to
blame his mistakes on.

         - And thus the Hardware People filled the void

The Hardware People soon took all the blame for the Programmers'
errors.  It was they who were fired because 'Mr. Big' didn't get his
report on time.  They were the ones who were always persecuted
because the system crashed; not the innocent Programmer whose coding
skills were so weak it invaded all the regions in the mainframe and
made $5 million dollars worth of pure computing power act like a
power toaster.  No, they weren't to blame.  It wasn't they who did it
. . . it was those nasty downstairs Hardware People that were to
blame. 

             - After all, they always LOOKED guilty.

Soon the wars between the Hardware People and the Programmers took
their inevitable toll.  Too many companies went bankrupt because they
fired all the Hardware People and the bad, nasty, evil and incredibly
smart Programmers didn't care when, if ever, 'Mr. Big' got his
report.  So both the Hardware (let's call them 'Manual Laborers')
people and the Programmers (let's call them the Smart Ones) were all
out of a job.  Both needed money, and quickly.

             - Thus The Computer Consultant was born

The Consultant was and still is an enigma to us.  He was neither a
Programmer nor a Hardware Person; he was a deadly mixture.  Rarely
did he help.  Money was his first, last and middle name.  You could
never get this guy to answer a simple question without it costing you
$250.  He was a danger to all life.  It was his special brand of
ineptness that makes him of value in this tale.  The Consultant is
like the lawyer. 

           - No ethics, morals or shreds of humanity 
                      clouded his thinking

Money was his God.  The more he made and the less he worked for it,
the better he felt.  He preyed on the weak, the unknowing, the small
businesses.  He was all that went wrong in their world and more.  He
caused grief and chaos wherever he went.  And worst of all. . . he
got paid to do it.

The Consultant was a hybrid; a fluke like the Platypus.  A freak of
nature that ate cash and promises like they were going out of style.
Soon mankind, sickened beyond belief at this atrocity, decided to do
something about it.  They wanted to put an end to this monster.  They
wanted to erase all traces of the Computer Consultants.

            - So they hired them and made them Managers

And life as they knew it took an even worse turn.  That's when the
intelligent and ultra-advanced aliens from the Milky Way got so fed
up with the human's pitiful existence that they decided to sit back,
sip root beer and nuke the Earth from orbit to put those poor humans
out of their misery.

To date the only sad part of this story is that the Universe missed
out on something special after the Earth was nuked.  One shining
glimmer of hope and beauty that could have only been found on Earth.

                  - The Nickelodeon Channel

bbbbbbrrrrriiiinnnngggggg!ing!ing!

Alright class, that ends the lesson for today.  Remember to read
Chapters 2-5 in your _Past Parallel Civilizations that Were Killed
Mercifully by the Ultra-Advanced Aliens from the Milky Way_
textbooks.  And remember our field trip to Mars is next week.  I need
all of your parental permission slips signed by Thursday or you'll
miss out on thumbing through the old Mars probe wreckage!

Have a good day, class.                                         {RAH}
--------------
Vincent B. Navarino is a Sr. Mainframe Applications Programmer and
the SysOp of The Particle Board III BBS (FidoNet 1:272/60).  After
being asked politely to leave his former employer, he has wandered
the lengths of the land to find the Colonel's secret recipe.  Rumor
has it that Mr. Navarino is quite mad and has attempted to bungee
jump off of bridges sans bungee chord.  Due to quick action by
several passing motorists, he is still alive and banging his head
randomly on his computer keyboard.