textfiles/sf/XFILES/x-feld

Hi all,

I know I said earlier that I wouldn't post any more stories again for a
while, but I just couldn't help myself.  I just got so bored waiting for
the second season to start.  And if anyone gets offended by the story, well 
then, feel free to flame me.  I've gotten used to it by now. :^)

This story qualifies as perhaps the stupidest crossover yet, a crossover 
from hell - the X-Files with "Seinfeld."

Here follows "X-Feld", by Steven Han, 8/24/1994.  (That's #8 officially, 
Cheryl, if you're counting. :^) )


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


11:25 p.m.
Saturday night
New York City

"So what's the deal with those laundromats?", asked Jerry, gesturing out
to the audience.  "All I know is, I come in with perfectly matched pairs of
socks, and *boom*, I come out and there's always a sock missing.  Not two 
missing socks, mind you, not three, always just one.  You know what I 
think?  I think aliens are stealing our socks.  Yup, I think those laundry 
machines and dryers are a gateway to another universe.  And these aliens 
are collecting our socks to further their knowledge of our society.  And 
the day they invade our planet, we won't be able to defend ourselves,
'cause we won't have any socks to wear."

[insert Seinfeld bass riff here]



7:55 a.m.
Monday Morning
FBI Headquarters

Scully walked into her office as she did every morning, intent and ready 
for whatever the world and Mulder might throw at her.  She glanced briefly 
over at Mulder on the way to her desk, letting out a friendly "Hello, 
Mulder."

"Hello Scully," responded Mulder.  He was sitting back in his chair,
carefully inspecting a single argyle sock.  He turned it over in his
hands, twisted it, turned it inside out, and put it up to his nose and 
took a whiff.

Scully was befuddled by Mulder's strange behavior.  She had expected him to 
be studying the latest UFO rags or gawking at the latest issue of Playboy, 
but not something like this.  "Is this a new fetish, Mulder?", she asked 
wryly, sitting down in her chair.

Mulder continued to study the single sock.  "No, Scully - there's something 
very sinister going on here.  I think I've finally got actual proof that 
aliens are reaching into our world."

Scully shook her head in amazement, then looked back at Mulder.  "What, 
Mulder - is the secret of the universe wrapped up in that ugly sock?"

Mulder looked back at her, smiling.  "I know you don't understand, Scully.
But the fact is, socks have been disappearing from laundry machines for as 
long as people can remember.  And do you know where they go off to, Scully?"

"Let me guess, to an alien world with a sock shortage."

"Close but no cigar, Scully.  I believe the aliens have acquired the 
ability to teleport objects through great distances.  I believe they're 
using portals through space - something goes into a portal at one end, 
and then pops up instantly at another portal somewhere else.  They're 
collecting our socks through these portals to gather information about 
our planet, Scully."

"And you think laundry machines are the portals, through which they steal 
our socks," said Scully, barely able to contain her laughter.

"Don't be so skeptical, Scully.  We've now had our first reports of
*people* disappearing in laundry machines.  I believe the aliens have
stepped up the intensity of their operation.  First it was just socks, but 
now they're using the portals on actual people.  Come on, Scully, we have 
an investigation to conduct."  

Mulder got up from his desk, putting his papers and folders into a
briefcase.  He glanced over at Scully, expecting her to do likewise.

Scully merely looked back at Mulder with a smile on her face, as if to
say - you've got to be kidding.  "So, where are we headed this time?"

"To the Big Apple, Scully.  Our kind of town, New York, New York."



10:15 a.m.

"So, there we were, Jerry", said the short, stocky balding man, opening up
Jerry's fridge for a snack.  "Jenny and I were there in her house, making 
out on the couch, all ready to get it on.  When all of a sudden, her 
*parents* show up.  Why, I had to pretend she had passed out and I was 
giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."

"So, did they buy it?", asked Jerry, reaching into the cupboard for a
box of cereal.

"Well, I think they were a little suspicious, but Jenny put on a good show.
She made it look like she almost choked from the popcorn.  Boy, I tell ya,
her living with her parents is really putting a damper on our romance," 
said George, shaking his head.  He pulled an apple out of the fridge and 
stared at it.

Jerry poured milk into his cereal, saying, "Well, George, it's like I
keep telling you, maybe *you* should move out of your parents' house."

George continued, moving over to the sink to wash the apple.  "Well, Jerry,
easy for you to say.  You can afford a nice place like this - me, first I 
gotta find me a real job."  He began washing the apple with dishwasher 
detergent.

"What the, George! what are you doing? you're washing that apple with 
soap!", exclaimed Jerry.

George glanced back at Jerry, and continued with the washing.  "Yes, I 
*am* washing this apple.  These apples are loaded with pesticides, you know.
I heard that apples nowadays are coated with stuff that can make you, you
know..."

"What? make you what?", asked Jerry, his hands on his hips.

"Well,... you know, im-potent," hushed George.

"Oh geez, I can't believe you actually...," responded Jerry, throwing
his hands up in the air.

Just then, Jerry's front door flung open, and a tall, wild-looking man 
with raggedy hair flew into the apartment.  "Hiya Jerry, George," he said.

"Hey Kramer, hiya Kramer", said the two.  Jerry continued on, "George,
that's nonsense.  Whatever stuff they spray on those apples, it can't
make you *IMPOTENT*."

"Whoa, now hold on a minute there," interjected Kramer, walking over to 
the two men and raising his hands in the air.  "It's true - I know someone 
who had a friend lose his, ur, you know - his drive, from eating a batch 
of bad apples.  It's a scientific fact that too much pesticide will turn 
your willie into jellie."

Jerry waved off both of them, shaking his head in disbelief.  "You guys are
both nuts.  I can't believe you actually believe any of this nonsense."

The downstairs door buzzed, and Jerry went over to turn on the intercom.  
"Who is it?" he asked.  "It's me," was the reply.  Jerry pressed the 
button for front door, and turned back to the pair.  "And besides, I've 
been eating apples all my life, and I'm doing just fine.  There."

Kramer pointed his finger at Jerry, shaking it as if chastising an errant
little boy.  "Now now Jerry, you never know when that thing could go out
on you.  Maybe it could happen at a most inopportune moment, if you know 
what I mean."

George jumped in.  "Yeah Jerry, what're you gonna say when Christine is
suddenly disappointed?  I wonder how she'll react when you blame your 
condition on apples!", he said hysterically.

Elaine walked into the apartment, wondering why Kramer and George were
laughing and exchanging high-fives.  "What's going on with them?" she
asked Jerry.

"Uh, it's nothing.  They're just nuts - they think pesticides on an
apple can make you impotent," he replied, shaking his head.

Elaine smiled, then pointed her finger towards Jerry's cereal bowl.  She 
said in dark seriousness, "Now Jerry, I don't know about apples, but you 
know what I *have* heard - I heard eating too much Fruit Loops can lower 
your sex drive."

Jerry looked at her in consternation.  "Oh, now if that isn't the most
ridiculous thing I have ever..."

Elaine continued, nodding her head.  "Oh yes, it's all true - all that 
sugar in your bloodstream - it neutralizes the hormones that make you 
horny," she said smiling.



11:30 p.m.

Mulder and Scully rode through the streets of New York in the back of a 
city cab.  The ride in from JFK through the midday traffic had seemed to 
take forever, and Mulder wondered how these people ever got around in this 
sardine can of a city.  Worse, the obnoxious cabbie just wouldn't stop 
talking.

"...And ya folks know what else I'd do?  I'd put Howard Stern into the
white house.  Yeah, dat's it - den he'd show dem screwballs in congress
who's boss.  And he'd give dem baseball players a good swift kick in the
behind and get 'em back to work.  And he'd give dem owners a kick in the 
butt too, for chargin' dem outrageous prices for a stinking pair of seats
up in the rafters.  I mean, hey, whatssa guy gotta do to afford a decent
pair of Mets tickets?  rob a bank?"

"...And then he'd give dat Castro a good kick in the rear too, let 'im 
know who's boss.  Then, he'd give dem feminazis a kick in the arse too -
oops, excuse me, maam - I'm not talking 'bout yooze, just dem Hillary
types.  Heck, while he's at it, maybe Howard Stern could give ole' Hillary
a kick in the butt too.  Er, pardon my french, ma'am."

Mulder and Scully wondered when it would all end.  The streets were
gridlocked, and it appeared they wouldn't get out of this block before
the week was over.

Scully suddenly opened her door and said, "Well, we'll just get out
here, thank you very much."  She pulled Mulder out by his arm, despite
his protests.

"But Scully, it's another mile to the laundromat!" he said, but to no
avail.  Scully leaned in through the passenger's side window to pay the
cabbie.  "Here you go," she said, giving him a twenty-cent tip.

"Well, thanks a million, toots.  Now I can retire and go buy that island 
in the Bahamas," snorted the cabbie.

Mulder and Scully began walking towards the laundromat that had reported
the man missing.  They found the going rough, as oceans of pedestrians
swarmed the sidewalks like a school of mackerel.  Scully had to keep 
bobbing her head above the crowd to see where she was going.

As they walked by a street bench, a scraggly bearded face popped up from 
under a pile of newspapers and grinned in their direction.  Startled, 
Scully paused for a moment to look at the disheveled man.  He looked up at 
Mulder and Scully and said, "Uh, howdy, -hic-, sir, ma'am, can you spare 
some change for world peace?"

Mulder smiled at the man and said, "sorry, I just gave my last dollar to
the O.J. Defense fund."

Scully gave Mulder a nasty look, then opened up her purse and started 
digging.  She pulled out a couple of dollar bills and handed them to the 
man.

The man looked up at Scully, smiling with what was left of his teeth.
"Well, thanks, babe.  Now how's bout having dinner with me sometime?"

Shocked, Scully quickly turned and walked away, leaving Mulder gazing at
the man.  Mulder bent down and whispered to the bum, "bad move, fella. 
First you ask her to lunch, *then* to dinner."  Mulder then turned to catch 
up with Scully.



12:45 p.m.

Jerry, George, Kramer, and Elaine were finishing up their lunch at the
local diner.  Jerry was still incredulous that these guys could actually 
believe the apple story.

"I'm telling ya, Jerry," said Kramer, leaning back in the booth.  "It's a 
documented fact.  My cousin Elmer personally knows at least a dozen guys 
that got turned off of sex from eating too many apples.  Last I heard, I 
think they went into a monastery."

"Oh geez, Kramer, would you just listen to you," said Jerry, waving him off.
"Going into a monastery?  And what kind of a name is Elmer?  I for one
wouldn't trust anything from a guy named *Elmer*."

"Now wait, Jerry," interjected Elaine.  "My psychic's name is Elmer.  And I
listen to everything he tells me.  Why, he told me ..."

"You guys, this is all ridiculous," said Jerry, shaking everyone off.  
"Anyway, I've gotta go meet Christine."

"Where are you meeting her?" asked Elaine, playing with her apple pie.

"Well, she's going to be doing her laundry this afternoon," said Jerry,
examining the tab.  He up looked at the others, who just stared at the bill
and grinned.  Jerry shook his head and said, "Oh alright, I've got the
tab - AGAIN,"

"So Jerry, when are you going to introduce us to this Christine?" asked
George.

"Well, heck - why don't you guys come along?" suggested Jerry.

"To the *laundromat*? you can't be serious!" winced Elaine.

"Why not? Heck, you might even meet a new guy there, Elaine," said Jerry, 
smiling.



1:00 p.m.

"You know, Jerry, I'd forgotten how much action there is in these
laundromats," said George, looking inside the laundromat window.  His eyes
darted around the machines, gazing at the single women washing their
fineries.

Jerry looked over at George, who was grinning from ear to ear.  He turned 
his head up the sky in disbelief.  "George," he exclaimed, "hitting on
women in the laundromat is practically a cliche!"

Elaine concurred.  "Yeah, George - it's so seventies.  Sounds like 
something you'd see on an episode of 'Love, American Style'."

Kramer bent over, pointing his finger at Elaine and dropping his jaw.
"'Love, American Style'? why, that's my favorite show of all time!"

Elaine groaned.  "Gee, why am I not surprised?"

"Come on, guys, break it up.  Let's go inside and meet Christine," said
Jerry, motioning inside.

The group walked in through the sliding doors and walked up to Christine, 
who was unaware of their approach.

"Well, hi Christine! say hello to my friends!" said Jerry, Smiling.

Christine looked up and her face turned red.  She immediately stepped
in front of her laundry basket, tucking it behind her back.  She then
turned to Jerry, and addressed him in an angry tone.  "Jerry, what the heck
are you trying to do here? You're embarrassing me!"

Jerry shrugged his shoulders in innocence.  "But Christine, I just wanted 
you to meet my friends!  No harm in that!"

Christine's tone turned angry.  "But Jerry, dammit, I'm doing my laundry 
here.  How would you like it if I invited my friends over to see your 
hamper?"

Jerry pursed his lips and said, "well, heck, that would be just fine with 
me!  Hey, let 'em see my underwear, if that's what they want.  And maybe 
I'll start charging admission.  I can just see it now - 'Come and see 
Jerry's underwear - boxers, jockeys, bikini underwear, anything you could 
ever wanna see.  Only a buck fifty!'.  Heck' I'll be famous!  I'll be rich!"

Christine buried her face in her hands in disbelief.  But just then,
the group was startled to see a man and woman, both well dressed, entering 
the laundromat and heading their way.

          *               *                *

Mulder and Scully walked past the odd group of people standing next to
the washing machines and headed for the office counter in the back.
There they saw a balding bestubbled man with a large beer belly, leaning 
back in a patio chair and reading an issue of Boy's Life.

"Hello, I'm agent Mulder, and this is Agent Scully.  We're with the
FBI," said Mulder, as they flashed their badges.

"Yeah, and I'm agent 99.  What can I doos fer yas?" said the man, still
relaxing in his chair.

"We're here to investigate the disappearance of a man in a drying machine," 
said Mulder.

Suddenly, Scully felt a sea of heads turning in her direction.  She
move closer to Mulder, not wanting to make eye contact with the customers.

The man sat up in his chair, his eyes narrowing.  He got up and approached 
Mulder, and hunkered down on the counter.  "Who told you this?" he asked
suspiciously.

"Let's just say I have my sources.  Now what can you tell us about the
incident?" Mulder asked.

The man looked around the laundromat and saw the faces still staring in 
their direction.  He hunched down even further on the counter and leaned
close to Mulder.  He whispered quietly, "now folks, I don't want my 
customers gettin' scared, so let's just try and keep this all very hush
hush, okay?"

Mulder looked at the man's nametag, and responded in a soft voice.  "Well,
Mr. Shletsky, now you wouldn't want any more of your customers being 
swallowed up by your dryer, would you?"

The man gulped, then thought for a moment.  Finally, he looked at Mulder
and Scully and began to talk.  "Well, um, okay, um, here it is.  Um, it was 
all so strange.  It was about 3 in the mornin' last night.  There was only 
dis one guy here washin' his clothes, and myself.  I tried gettin' some 
shuteye, but I couldn't, 'cause of my 'roids, ya know?  Dat can get really 
nasty real fast.  Anyway, I was watchin' a program on da tube, and it was 
tellin' me how I could become a millionaire real fast, without doin' no 
work or nuttin'.  Why, I was just 'bout to reach for the phone."

"Anyway, just den, I heard da guy screamin'.  I turned to look where he 
was, and I saw him bein' sucked into one of our jumbo dryers.  And he was 
all of 'bout three hunnert pounds, too - it was really somethin.  Why, I 
couldn't believe my eyes - I thought I was havin' a bad dream from the 
leftover egg foo young I had for dinner.  But then I remembered just how
bad my back was itching, and how bad my 'roids were flaring up, so I 
figured it couldn't be no dream."

"So, I got up and went over to take a look.  And sure 'nuff, the guy's
laundry basket full of clothes was still there - but he wasn't.  It sure 
wasn't no dream," he said, taking another gulp.

"So, did you look inside the dryer?" asked Scully.

"Well, I sure did - and there wasn't nuttin' left in there, not a trace of 
any clothes, or nuttin'.  The guy just done vanished, like outta dis world.
Too bad his wallet and ID's went with him, so I dunno who he was.  Ain't 
nobody come by to ask 'bout him, either.  So I guess I'll just have to hold 
on to deese clothes of his," he said, fingering the sleeve of his green and 
purple plaid shirt.

Mulder stood in thought for a moment, then asked, "Which dryer was this?"

"Number 37, right over there," pointed the man.

          *               *                *

Elaine bent over to Jerry and whispered, "who do you think they are?"

"Looks like G-men to me," hushed Kramer.

"Maybe they're here from the IRS," speculated Jerry.

"Uh oh, I hope they're not from the unemployment office - I told them I 
had a job interview today," said George, cowering in fear.  "Hey, Jerry,
here, stand in front of me, so they won't see me."

"Cut it out, George - they're not from the unemployment office," said
Jerry, feigning a slap on George's face.

"Uh oh, here they come - they're headed this way," said Christine.

"Quick, everyone, pretend we're doing our laundry!" cried George.

Looking around, Kramer and George reached behind Christine to grab some 
items from her laundry basket.  Christine frowned and tried to stop them, 
but before she knew it they had each grabbed several items of clothing.  
Kramer held up a pair of pink panties, marveling at the fine patterns of 
lace.  George fumbled around with several pieces of underwear, uncertain of 
what they were.  He finally opened them up and realized they were pushup 
bras and black lace crotchless panties.

Jerry saw what George had pulled out, then looked back at Christine in
shock.  His mouth was agape as he looked at her, and he whispered,
"Christine! w-what are these?"

She looked back at him and shrugged, "Well, Jerry, I guess you found me
out.  They're for my act."

Jerry was dumbfounded.  "A-Act? What? what act? you told me you were a
librarian!"

"A librarian by day, that is.  A girl's gotta have some fun at night!"

Jerry's dumbfounded expression broke as the two government agents stepped 
up to a dryer right next to them.  The group's ears perked up as they tried
their best to listen in on the conversation.

          *               *                *

"But Mulder, this is nuts.  Do you really think this dryer sucked up a
human?"

"That's what the man said, Scully.  Never close your mind to the extreme
possibilities."

Jerry was suddenly thinking, 'hey - this all sounds familiar somehow...'

"Mulder, if you want to know what I think..." stated Scully.  "I think that 
man in the office there probably had a few shots last night to pass the 
time.  And he confused what came on the TV with what happened in the 
laundromat, which was *nothing*."

"But Scully, then how do you explain the clothes that were left behind?"

"Mulder, if I had clothes like that, I'd leave them behind too."

Mulder scratched his chin for a second, then popped some sunflower seeds
in his mouth.  Thinking for a second, he turned around to face the group
behind him.

Jerry and his friends suddenly turned and glued their faces to the
washing machines.  "Uh, Jerry, was that the hot or cold water cycle you
wanted..." asked George.  "Oh yeah, and do we want to use the water
softener?" asked Elaine.

Mulder thought the people were being rather unfriendly, as he could
have sworn they had been listening in on him just a minute ago.  He
turned to the woman standing in front of a laundry basket.  "Excuse me
ma'am, I'm agent Mulder, and this is agent Scully.  We're with the FBI.
Can we borrow an article of clothing?"

"Can you what?" asked Christine indignantly.  "Hey, I haven't done anything
wrong, at least not in this state...  You can't take my clothes without
a warrant!"

Mulder smiled at her and continued.  "Ma'am, I just want to run a test on 
this dryer.  Hopefully I can return the item right back to you."

"You want to stick my clothes into that thing?  The dryer that ate up
that man? Uh-uh, mister, no way," said Christine, shaking her head.

"Christine, there's no way a dryer can suck up an object.  That's just 
ridiculous," said Elaine.

"Well now actually," said Kramer, jumping in.  "I have a cousin that lost 
three of his in-laws in dryer accidents.  I heard they were sucked off into
some alternate universe."

Mulder turned to the tall man and asked, "Sir, is this a documented account?
what were the circumstances involved in the abductions?"

Jerry cut in.  "Now agent, you shouldn't believe anything this man says.
He's got a lot of weird friends, if you know what I mean."

George put his two cents in.  "You know, my mother told me about her
friend Berniece from her bridge club - she lost her cat in one of these
big dryers."  He flung his arms up in the air towards the dryer, making 
a whooshing sound with his lips.  "Just went and sucked the little baby 
kitten right up, it did."  

Scully had been listening to all of this, and began to sigh.  She couldn't
believe these seemingly normal people could argue over such nonsense.  
"Mulder!" she called.

Mulder finally waved his hands in the air and interceded.  "Okay, okay,
folks.  We'll get to these stories later.  Right now, I have to run a test."

He turned back towards the dryer, and began removing his shoes.

"Mulder, what are you doing?" asked Scully, puzzled.

"Well, Scully, these people won't lend me their clothing, so I'm going
to use my socks as the subject.  Here, hold this," he said, handing
Scully one of his shoes.

Mulder removed both his socks, and pulled out two stopwatches from his
coat pockets.  He inserted one stopwatch in each of the sweaty socks as 
the group watched on, holding their noses.  Mulder then placed the socks in 
the dryer, and fumbled around in his pocket for a quarter.

Not finding any change, he looked back towards the group and asked, 
"anyone got a quarter?"

The group all shrugged their shoulders, and turned to Christine.
Christine looked back at them and said, "What? - hey, I have to do my
laundry too, you know; I haven't got any extra quarters."

"You can't spare one quarter?" asked Elaine, incredulous.

"That's right, I haven't got a quarter to spare!" replied Christine.

Mulder and Scully looked around the laundromat, but none of the other
patrons seemed to be in a helping mood either.

"Well, okay.  We can use the change machine.  Anybody got a single, or a
five?" asked Mulder, going through his wallet.

Scully looked through her purse and shook her head.  "Sorry Mulder, I gave 
my singles to that man on the bench.  All I have left are big bills." 

Jerry looked through his wallet, and saw nothing smaller than a twenty.
He looked over at Kramer, who grinned foolishly and pulled his pants 
pockets inside out.  George just shrugged his shoulders and said, "what, 
are you kidding?"  Elaine was also of no help, being without her purse.

"Oh boy, this is ridiculous," said Mulder, shaking his head.  "I'll be
right back; I have to go get some change," he said, and headed towards the
door.  He turned back towards the group and asked, "Do you folks know where
I can break a large bill?"

George and Kramer looked at each other, then said, "Heck, we'll come with
you.  Oh, and by the way, I'm George, and this is Kramer."  Mulder 
introduced himself, and other introductions were made all around.

Stepping outside the laundromat, George pointed towards a newsstand by
the corner.  The three of them walked up to the stand, and Mulder picked
up a pack of gum.  He then handed the merchant a hundred-dollar bill.

"What? Whatz dis?  You can't gimme a hunn'erd for a pack 'a gum!" said the
vendor, pushing the bill back.  "You gotta buy more!"

Shaking his head, Mulder turned towards George and Kramer.  "You guys
want anything?"

Kramer and George smiled.  "Well, hey, sure, if you're buying," said
George, and picked up a fistful of candy bars.  Kramer grinned and went
over to the adult magazine section, grabbing an issue of 'Forum.'

Mulder turned back to the merchant, saying "Okay, one pack of gum, and
er, let's see - six bars of candy, and a 'Forum'."

The merchant shook his head.  "Not 'nuff.  Gotta buy more."

Mulder shook his head in frustration, and he and George and Kramer
turned back towards the rack to see what else they could buy.

A few minutes later, Scully noticed the three of them returning to the 
laundromat.  Mulder was holding a pack of chewing gum, and George was 
carrying an armful of candy bars.  Kramer was carrying a big stack of what 
appeared to be adult magazines.  "Don't ask," said Mulder as he approached 
her.

Mulder walked up to the dryer and inserted the quarter.  He then turned
the lever and released it.  Nothing happened.

Infuriated, Mulder kicked the dryer.  "Why, you goddamned stupid dryer,
you ate my quarter! You'll pay for this, you stupid machine!"

Mulder suddenly realized that everyone in the laundromat was staring at him. 
He quickly composed himself, shook himself down, and smiled back at 
everyone.  He then started fiddling with the coin return button.

Christine saw the silly scene and walked up next to Mulder.  "Here, agent
Mulder, you kinda have to jiggle the lever like this," she said, expertly
demonstrating the technique.  Soon, the dryer started up.

Mulder and Scully stepped back, and observed the two socks as they
bounced around inside the dryer.  Jerry and his friends stood behind the 
pair, watching in rapt attention.

"Well, Mulder? nothing's happening," said Scully, unimpressed.

"But Scully - er, I don't think they would be dumb enough to steal the 
objects while we were looking.  Let's all turn around for a second and 
give them a chance."

Scully groaned, but decided to indulge him.  The group momentarily turned 
their backs to the dryer.

"Allright, Scully.  Now let's turn back around," said Mulder.  The group 
then turned back towards the dryer, and Mulder opened up the dryer door.

"Whoa, Scully! I was right! one of the socks is missing!" exclaimed Mulder 
excitedly.  He pulled out one sock, and pointed to the empty dryer.

Incredulous, Scully stuck her head inside the dryer.  She spun her head 
around inside the hot cavernous chamber, looking for the other sock.  She 
saw a couple of pieces of chewing gum and a loose penny, but no trace of 
the second sock.  She pulled her head back out, puzzled.

"But Mulder, what could have happened?  we only looked away for an instant.
There couldn't possibly have been enough time for anyone to stop the dryer 
and remove the sock!"

"Precisely, Scully.  It had to have disappeared from *inside* the dryer,
through some teleportation device.  Do you believe me now?"

Scully shook her head, still skeptical.  "No Mulder, there's got to be a
rational explanation.  We can't be so quick to jump to illogical 
conclusions."

Kramer jumped in.  "Well, if you want my opinion, I think it's one of
those portals to other worlds, like in those science fiction movies.  Like 
one of them Star Wars transporter things or something."

"You mean Star Trek," said Jerry.

"You guys!" shouted Elaine in an annoyed voice.

"Now, now, I don't think they're completely nutso here," said George,
stepping up confidently.  "Why, my dad's cousin's roommate's best friend 
said that portals to other worlds would open up every now and then, in the 
strangest of places."

Jerry interjected, "Well hey, yeah, it all fits - after all, heck, why do 
we keep misplacing our keys?  it's this silly interdimensional 
teleportation thing.  One minute, the keys are in our universe, the next 
minute they're gone, off into the other universe."

Kramer grew excited, crouching down and pointing a finger at Jerry.
"Ooh ooh, yeah, that's right, Jerry.  And you know how sometimes you try
to open your doorlock with your keys, only the lock won't turn no matter
what? that's because your keys have been switched with those of your
alter ego from the other universe!"

George's eyes lit up.  "Yeah, that's right! why, I remember, just last
night, I was looking for my Victoria's secret catalog.  I searched for 
hours and hours, with absolutely no luck.  Then, I finally found it,
right in the very first place I looked!  I tell ya, Jerry, someone in
the other universe was playing a cruel game with me!"

Mulder finally cut in, saying, "Well, it's certainly been enlightening,
folks, but we do have to leave."

Suddenly, a thought occurred in George's mind.  "Uh, hey, folks, are you
staying in a hotel?"

Mulder and Scully looked at each other, and Scully asked, "Yes, why do
you ask?"

George fidgeted for a moment, wringing his hands, then looked back up at
the pair, smiling.  "Uh, you see, folks, my girlfriend and I, um, we're 
currently experiencing difficulties finding a quiet place to get away.  And 
if you're not using your hotel room this afternoon, I figure, heck - why 
let it go to waste?  My girlfriend and I will take good care of it, and 
you can pick up the keys later at Jerry's place," said George, blushing.

"George!" growled Elaine, frowning.  Jerry and Kramer just snickered, 
barely able to control their laughter.

Scully rolled her eyes up to the ceiling in disbelief, but Mulder just
smiled and handed his hotel keys over to George.  "Just go easy on the room
service - okay, George?"

George smiled and said, "You betchya!", then rushed out of the laundromat.

Jerry leaned over to Mulder and whispered, "I'd have the cleaning maid drop 
by after he's gone, if I were you."



1:45 p.m.

Mulder and Scully stepped outside the laundromat and onto the sidewalk.
They glanced about and once again saw waves of people swarming the streets.
Mulder wondered whether if he tried tripping one of them, a million people 
would fall over like dominoes in front of him.

Shaking off the thought, he waved to Scully to follow him.  "Come on, 
Scully, let's grab a bite to eat."  He led Scully through the crowd towards 
a hot dog stand on the corner.  Mulder stepped up to the vendor and ordered.
"A bratwurst with everything on it - and plenty of saurkraut," he said 
eagerly.  "Hey Scully, you want anything?"

Scully looked at the vendor as he reached inside his cart, pulling a
bratwurst out from a thick brown pool of grease.  She turned pale and 
groaned.  "No thanks, Mulder - I think I just lost my appetite.  Don't you 
know that stuff will kill you?"

Mulder grinned with anticipation as he watched the vendor generously slap on
gobs of saurkraut on the bun.  Mulder took the messy concoction and raised
it up to his mouth, salivating.  "I'd rather this bratwurst take me out than
the MIB, Scully," said Mulder, grabbing a bite of the sloppy mess.

Scully turned her head away from the grossness and looked around the street.
"So, Mulder, just where are we?"

"'bout thurd en Brawdwey, I'd zey," said Mulder, chewing on his dog.

"No, Mulder, I mean, where are we in the investigation?  We seem to be
at a standstill."

"Naw so fass, Scawwy, I'm sue-aw the-aw aw othews who 'ave hawwd 'bout da 
keelaw dwye-aws," said Mulder.

Just then, the hot dog vendor's eyes seemed to perk up.  He glanced up at 
Mulder and Scully and spoke.  "Did you say killer dryers? You folks looking 
into that laundromat death?"

Mulder froze in the middle of a chew and turned to face the vendor.  He
looked at the vendor's nameplate, which said 'Ekim Yrahc.'  "So, Ekim, you 
heard about that laundromat death?"

Ekim's eyes darted between Mulder and Scully, and he began speaking in a 
hushed voice.  "Well, I can see you folks aren't from around here, so I'll
fill you in.  Fact is, they say the laundry machines, especially the 
dryers, they're haunted - in a manner of speaking, at least."

Scully grinned, amused.  "Haunted dryers? that's certainly original."

Ekim continued on undaunted.  "It's true, miss.  Of course, not everyone 
believes it.  They seem to think those of us that do believe it are crazy.  
But I know for a fact that those dryers have developed a sentient 
intelligence, and have decided to fend for their own.  After all, if you 
were a washing machine or a dryer, and people kept throwing their dirty 
laundry at you, wouldn't you react?"

Mulder listened intently.  "Pwease, dew go on", he said.

"Well, you see, you have to understand - there's a lot more to this than 
you might first imagine.  It's actually all part of the greater order of 
things.  You see, the world around us, the air we breathe, the soil we walk 
on, the water we drink, they are all one, a single unified entity.  
Together, they make up a single common being that manifests itself as the 
multiple facets of the world we've come to know."

Scully groaned at the lecture, but Ekim continued on.  "And we, the humans, 
as well as all the animals and the plants - all living things, in fact, are 
all part of this unity, the great order of the universe, the 
all-encompassing existence we have come to refer to as nature.  We must 
strive to understand its ways and learn to coexist with it; in other words,
we have to join with our surroundings, and become one with nature."

Mulder finished up his hot dog, and pointed back at the rack of buns.
"Well, in that case, I'm still hungry, so make me one with everything."

Ekim frowned at Mulder, not appreciating the humor.  He opened up the 
sausage compartment and continued talking.  "And you see, as we humans in 
the nineteenth century moved into the industrial age, we gave birth to 
technology, to machines which eased our lives and improved productivity," he 
said, as he slathered mustard on the bun.

"And some hot peppers too this time," said Mulder, eagerly rubbing his hands
in anticipation.

Ekim opened up the jar of hot peppers as he continued on.  "But these
machines - they are more than the mechanical slaves we treat them as.  Why,
all things, all objects, they all have a place in the great order of things.
They all have a soul, just like you and I.  Every tree, every rock, even 
every grain of sand has a soul, an eternal spirit that exists beyond this 
material plane."

"Even this hot dog stand of yours," snorted Scully.

"And this hot dog you're handing me," added Mulder, taking the
cellophane-wrapped mystery meat product.

Ekim frowned at the pair, but his expression quickly changed back to a 
smile.  "Why yes, folks - even this hot dog stand and that bratwurst.  Both 
of them, like all of nature and all of man's creations, has its own soul, 
an inextinguishable spirit.  And although man may mold his environment to 
suit his needs, forging new shapes out of metal and stone, the immutable 
spirits contained in those objects continue to survive and flourish.  No, 
despite mankind's best efforts to quash the spirits of the things that 
serve him, their inner souls are still there, lurking and waiting to exact
revenge upon their oppressors."

"And dese spiwits, dey keeld du people?" asked Mulder, biting into the dog.

"Yes, that is what I believe.  Even inanimate objects will take only so
much injustice and degradation before they rebel.  And these washing 
machines and dryers, they bore constant witness to mankind's abuse of his 
environment.  Why, with the creation of man-made clothing fibers such as 
polyester that don't biodegrade..."

"Or which upset the fashion police," quipped Scully.

Ekim went on.  "As well as our continued use of phosphate-loaded detergents
that pollute our waters.  And people's continued use of inefficient dryers 
to dry one or two item of clothing, wasting endless amounts of electricity.
And do you know just how much carbon dioxide and sulfites are released into
the environment to generate just one kilowatt of electricity?

Mulder finished his dog and responded, "So you're telling me that the
laundry machines are striking back at us, punishing us for our stupidity?"

Ekim shook his head.  "Not so much our stupidity as our foolishness, our 
refusal to listen to the world around us, crying out in pain.  We must 
learn to strike a balance between our needs and the environment, and learn
to live in harmony with nature."

Mulder held out his hands, saying, "Well, that's all fine and dandy, but 
for right now, what exactly are we supposed to do about these angry 
machines?  Make a public service message denouncing our abuse of washers 
and dryers?"

Scully added, "or maybe have Maytag and Whirlpool issue a recall?"

Ekim smiled at their ignorance and responded softly.  "Just look into your 
hearts, folks, and you'll find all the answers there, waiting patiently for 
you make contact with your inner spirits."



4:30 p.m.

Mulder and Scully walked into Jerry's apartment, where they saw Jerry,
Kramer, and Elaine arguing over something about apples.  Mulder turned to
Jerry and asked, "Hi, Jerry, has George returned yet?"

"Oh, hi, agent Mulder, agent Scully - and no, George is still out there,
whipping it up."

"And we *do* mean whipping it up," added Kramer.  "You see, George's
new girlfriend has a fetish for whipped crea..."

"*KRAMER!*" yelled Elaine, and Kramer turned around to look at her,
ending his speech.

Mulder and Scully looked at each other, then shrugged their shoulders.
Mulder said, "Well, we'll just wait here if you don't mind."

"Sure folks, just take a seat on the couch," said Jerry, getting up from 
the couch.  Kramer also got up, and Elaine scooted over to the side.  Mulder
and Scully sat down awkwardly on the couch next to Elaine.

"So you folks really FBI agents?" asked Kramer, dripping with curiosity.

"That's correct, Mr. Kramer," replied Scully.

"So you guys get in any good shootouts lately?" asked Jerry.

"Well, no - I'm afraid we don't get into much of that," said Mulder,
smiling.

"Do you guys carry those big Tommy guns under your coat? like Elliott
Ness?" asked Kramer excitedly.  "Boy, I loved that old movie, the 'St. 
Valentine's Days Massacre' - Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat," he Kramer, gesturing 
as if firing a machine gun.

"Well actually, Elliott Ness worked for the Secret Service.  And no, we
don't carry Tommy guns," replied Scully politely.  Mulder added, "We spend 
most of our time investigating the paranormal."

"Paranormal? like strange goings-on?" asked Kramer.  "Hey, you know, my 
cable kept conking out on me last night for no reason.  Can you guys 
investigate that? Personally, I think it was those space aliens trying to 
screw me up!"

Jerry jumped in.  "Oh yeah - and talking about space aliens, what about 
those New York cabbies? I'd swear, some of them must *definitely* be from 
another planet.  Or how about those crazy bicycle messengers? I say, hey -
what's the deal with them? I mean, darting in and around traffic like 
maniacs - I almost got hit by one of them just the other day, just swished 
by me, two inches away from my nose."

Kramer added, "Ooh ooh, yeah, and talking about crazy things, what about 
that McDonalds? why do they call that sandwich a quarter pounder with 
*cheese*, when you can't even get it any other way?  You can only get it 
*with* cheese!  And it's not even really a quarter pound either, when they 
hand it to you - it's them aliens' fault, I tell you, they're trying to 
screw us up, I say!"

Jerry followed, "Yeah, Kramer!  And speaking of food, what about those 
frozen TV dinners?  There are no little TVs in those packages! a blatant 
alien plot, I say.  And of course, how about that instant coffee? what's 
the deal with that?  Instant? hah!  Why, it takes me five minutes to boil 
the water!  *Instant* coffee my hiney - those aliens are really sticking 
it to us, I say."

Kramer followed again. "And don't forget those little sugar cubes you put 
in the coffee.  Where do they come from?  From little square sugar canes?  
Nonsense!  I say they must be from another planet!  And what about that 
*non-dairy* creamer?  Did you ever wonder what's really in that stuff? 
hmmmmm?  How can you make a creamer without creme?  Aliens at work again,
I say!"

Jerry added, "You know, Kramer, I was thinking the exact same thing myself.
And you know what else? I always wondered why we make coffee out of beans, 
and tea out of leaves!  Personally, I'd like to try a tea made from 
coffee leaves.  Or maybe a beverage made from ground tea beans.  Why, I'd 
bet they'd taste just dandy.  But I say it's these aliens that are keeping 
these fine concoctions from us.  Why, I'd bet those aliens are out there 
right now, sipping their coffee-leaf tea and their tea-bean coffee, enjoying 
it with their creme wafers, and they don't want to share it with us."

Kramer looked at Jerry and said, "Yeah, yeah - that's right, Jerry! and you
know what else? I'd bet anything those aliens invented the creme filling.  
You know, the stuff in Twinkies and Oreos, the white mush that lasts 
forever, and never spoils!  Now where on earth are you going to find stuff 
like that? Nowhere, I tell ya, Jerry, nowhere!"

Jerry opened his mouth in wonder.  "You know, Kramer, I think you're
right!  It all makes sense!  And you know what else?  I think aliens
also invented beef jerky! that stuff lasts forever too!  Why, you buy a
big strip of jerky, bite off a piece, and you throw the rest away
somewhere.  Then you come back a year later, and you find that strip under 
a cushion in your sofa!  And you know, it's perfectly preserved, still in 
perfect condition - and it still tastes just as good as it did the first 
time you took a bite out of it!"

Scully began feeling ill just listening to the exchange, and looked up at 
the ceiling in disgust.  She was about to intercede and object to the 
discussion, but Mulder suddenly got a call on his cellular phone.  "Hello?"
he said, removing the phone from his pocket.  He listened intently for a 
moment, then folded the phone back up and turned to Scully.

"It's the laundromat.  There's been another abduction," said Mulder grimly.

"Oh my god, Mulder! we have to get over there right now!" exclaimed Scully.

Jerry stretched his hands out and exclaimed, "hey, I'll drive you guys over
there!"

Elaine and Kramer got up, saying "hey, can we come too?"

          *               *                *

Mulder got into the front passenger seat of Jerry's BMW, as Scully
squeezed in the back next to Elaine and Kramer.

Scully suddenly noticed something strange, but she couldn't quite place her
finger on it...

"Hey Jerry," said Elaine, sniffing the air inside the car.  "Maybe it's
just me, but doesn't this car smell funny?"

Jerry took a whiff, and responded, "Yeah, I think you're right, Elaine -
it smells like..."

"B.O.! it smells like B.O.!" exclaimed Kramer.  "God, roll the windows
down, man!"

"Yeah - that's it, Kramer! roll all the windows down!  Boy, it really 
*reeks* in here!" cried Elaine.

Scully began to turn pale as she fumbled around for the power window lever.
Mulder just smiled in the front seat as he lowered the driver's window.  
Just like the DC city buses, he thought.

They finally pulled up to the laundromat, holding their noses the entire
way.  Scully flung open the door and dashed out.  She grabbed the edge
of her coat and smelled it, turning her head away in disgust.  This coat 
will have to be fumigated, she thought...

Mulder stepped into the laundry, and immediately noticed a group of
people gathered around a dryer - dryer #37.  He stepped up to the manager,
followed closely by Scully and Jerry's group.  The manager had opened the 
dryer door and was peering inside.  "Mr. Shletsky, why didn't you shut 
this dryer down?" asked Mulder.

"Hey, Mr. Hoover, I've got a business to run here.  The bank don't wanna
hear some nonsense 'bout a dryer gobblin' up people!  After all, there
ain't nutttin' here," said the manager, leaning inside the dryer to take 
a look.

>From behind the group, George suddenly appeared, smiling at Mulder.  "Hey, 
agent Mulder, you weren't back at Jerry's place, so I figured I'd find you 
here.  Here are your keys; thanks again for the room."

"Did you find everything okay?" asked Mulder.

"Oh, sure, sure.  Only problem was, the room had two double beds, so er,
we went back down to the front desk, and I pretended to be you, and Jenny 
pretended to be agent Scully.  That way, we were able to get into agent 
Scully's room, which turned out to have a nice king-sized bed."

"You did *WHAT*?!" shouted Scully in disbelief.

"Uh well, you see, agent Scully, we really...," started George.

Suddenly, they were interrupted as the crowd heard a loud, whooshing sound 
coming from inside the dryer.  The manager instantly screamed out, crying, 
"Aaarrrrgh!! help! it's pulling me in!!"  

The manager grabbed the edge of the dryer opening with his hands, fighting 
the sucking force.  Moments later, however, his entire head and upper torso 
had been pulled into the greedy dryer.  The noise grew louder, turning into 
a turbine-like whine.

The crowd reared back in fear, but Mulder rushed forward to grab the man
by his waist.  Mulder pulled back with all his might, but the machine kept
drawing the manager in.  "Arrrgh! it's pulling me in, the damn thing! 
Dammit, where's that Maytag man when you need him?!" screamed the manager.  
The noise from the dryer intensified further, now as loud as a jet engine.

Scully joined in, grabbing the manager's leg.  Shletsky was being pulled 
further and further into the dryer, and Mulder's grip began to slip.  He got
a new grip on the man, this time grabbing his thigh.  "Shletsky! what do 
you see?!" shouted Mulder.

"Aarrgh!!! it's all dark!  I can't see a thing! get me outta here!" cried 
Shletsky.

Jerry, Kramer, and George ran up and grabbed the man's ankles.  Kramer 
leaned up and asked, "Hey, mister - while you're in there, can you ask the 
guys in the other universe if they've seen my TV remote?  I can't find it 
anywhere!"

"Kramer!" shouted George.  "Why don't you just shut up and pull harder?"
Thinking for a second, he too turned towards the dryer and shouted, "And 
hey, as long as you're in there, can you see if you can find my old college 
ring?  I thought I had it in my dresser, but..."

Someone from the crowd shouted towards the dryer, "mr. Shletsky, can you 
see if my dear departed husband is in there? ask him if he likes my new 
hairstyle!"

Another voice shouted, "hey, do you see Lee Harvey Oswald?  Ask him if he 
really did it!"

Someone else yelled out, "yeah, and tell Lyndon Johnson he's a jerk!"

Another voice shouted, "hey, do you see Elvis? ask him what he thinks of 
his daughter marrying Michael Jackson!"

Another person joined in.  "Hey, do you see Luke Skywalker in there?  Ask
him when they're making another Star Wars movie!"

Another person cried out, "hey, can you see John Wayne?  Give him my
regards!"

Someone else shouted, "yeah, and do you see Hank Aaron in there too?  Tell 
him I'm a big fan!"

Another person muttered, "Hey, Hank's not dead yet, you moron!"

Mulder and the group ignored the crowd, holding on desperately to the 
manager's legs.  But they were fighting a losing battle, as first the 
man's legs slipped through their fingers, then his ankles, and finally most
of his feet.  Before they knew it, the manger was almost completely
enveloped in the dryer, with only the tips of his feet being held onto by 
the desperate band.  Suddenly, a blinding flash emanated from the dryer, and
the last of the manager was jerked inside.

Stunned, Mulder looked inside the dryer, which suddenly looked normal again.
He turned back to Scully and asked, "Whoa, Scully, that was incredible!  And
you just saw this - you saw this abduction happen right in front of your 
eyes.  Are you still skeptical?"

Scully thought for a moment and was about to begin speaking, when all
of a sudden a gust of wind came blowing out of the dryer.  The group jumped 
back, as the blast intensified and scattered laundry baskets and clothes
all around the laundromat.

Mulder fought back the wind and tried to approach the dryer, attempting
to see what was causing it to spew out the hot air.  With great difficulty, 
he managed to grab the edge of the dryer's opening and glanced inside the 
chamber.  He saw what looked like a deep chasm, a dark tunnel emanating 
from the back of the dryer and extending off into infinity.

Suddenly, Mulder saw something emerging from the tube.  A bright flash
of light then pulsed in the channel, driving him back.  Moments later, a 
loud whooshing sound came from the dryer, and a body came flying out.  
It was the manager!

Mulder stepped forward to examine the manager, when he heard another
whooshing sound.  Moments later, another body flew out of the dryer,
landing on top of the manager.  "Ouch! get offa me, you creep - yer 
crushin' me!" yelled the manager.  The second man rolled around on top
of Shletsky, appearing dazed and confused.

Mulder bent down and helped the rather large second man get himself off the 
manager.  Shletsky looked up at the second man and said, "Hey, I know you - 
you're the guy that disappeared last night!"

Mulder looked over at Scully, who was examining the second man's condition.
Mulder bent down on his knees and addressed the two men.  "Gentlemen, what
happened to the two of you?"

Shletsky rubbed his balding head and started, "Well, um, it was real 
strange.  I don't know how to describe it - you're gonna think I'm crazy 
here."

Mulder smiled and said, "No, Mr. Shletsky - after what just happened, I can
definitely assure you, I'm not going to call you crazy.  Now just what 
exactly happened to the two of you?"

Shletsky took a deep breath, then began speaking.  "Well, agent, when I got
sucked into that dryer, somehow I landed somewhere else.  Someplace where 
dese monster-looking thingies were lookin' down at me all of a sudden.  And 
all around me, I saw piles of socks and socks, as well as some old underwear 
and hankies.  And dey all smelled April fresh too, like dey jus' been 
outta da dryer."

"Anyway, dese aliens, deys started talkin' to me - askin' me questions.
I just yelled, 'Get outta my face, ya stinkin' alien scum!' - and deys
didn't seem too happy 'bout dat.  Deys said somethin' about startin'
interstellar relations or somethin' - and I naturally yelled back at
'em, saying, 'What? you want inter-what relations with me? You guys homos 
or somethin'? Get away from me, ya queers!"

Scully groaned, and turned her head up to the ceiling.

"And deys den looked at each other, den looked back at me, and told me
dey's wanted to study me, as an example of da human species.  And I told
'em, 'Hey, no way you're studying dis fine specimen, you freaks! Send me
back, or my uncle Vinny is gonna come here and kick some serious butt!
He's a goodfella you know, my uncle Vinny is."

Mulder leaned closer.  "What happened then?" he asked.

"Well, everybody's heard of my uncle Vinny, so naturally deys sent me
back.  Dey sent dis other guy back too, right after me, apparently.
And just before deys sent me back, dey mentioned somethin' 'bout it not
being worthwhile to contact me and my people any more.  Can ya imagine that?
they wanted actual contact! All this time, they just wanted to feel us up! 
dem alien fags!"

Mulder got up and thought for a moment.  He leaned inside the dryer and 
tapped the back wall.  Solid metal.  He shook his head and stared down at 
the floor.

He then turned and walked away from the crowd, exiting the laundromat.  
Scully, Jerry, and his friends followed him.

Once outside the laundromat, Mulder turned to Scully and began.  "Well,
Scully, it looks like our race just lost another fine opportunity to
communicate with another species.  And all because of a homophobic 
ignoramus."

Scully shook her head and smiled.  "Well, that's too bad, Mulder - I guess
our underdeveloped race just wasn't ready yet.  But at least the missing 
persons case was solved."

Jerry added, "Well, at least our dryers should be back to normal, anyway.  
Good thing too, since I'm all out of clean clothes.  I'm down to my 
last pair of underwear!"

Kramer interjected, "Well, Jerry, you know what I do?  I take the underwear 
out of the hamper, and I put it on top of the heater!  and in a few hours, 
it's all dry and good as new."

George added, "Hey, that's a good idea, Kramer - I'll have to try that.
You know, back in college, we used to turn our socks inside out, and
wear 'em again - you can go twice as long without doing the laundry
that way."

Kramer added, "Hey, you know, you can do that with underwear too!  Although
personally, when I run through the underwear two or three times and run 
out again, I just go without!"

George responded, saying, "No underwear? yeeouch! that doesn't sound too 
comfortable!"

Jerry jumped in, saying, "Ah, the great underwear debate.  To wear or not 
to wear.  Whether to suffer the scratches and abrasions of outrageously
rough trousers..."

Kramer added, "It's actually okay, as long as you're careful in the john.  
You don't wanna get anything caught in the zipper, if you know what I mean.
Believe me, it can get *quite* painful."

Mulder rolled his eyes and waved off the group.  "Well folks, it's been a
blast, but agent Scully and I really have to be going.  It was nice
meeting you all."

Scully barely managed a smile at the group, then dashed off to hail a
cab.  She was glad she wouldn't be returning to this town anytime soon.


THE END

[Roll credits]

"Why is it," asked Jerry to the audience, "that we so hate doing our
laundry?  I mean, we try to put it off for as long as possible, waiting
until we're down to our last pair of socks or our last piece of underwear.  
I mean, speaking for myself, I'd rather go out and buy another pack of 
underwear than do my laundry."

"And what's the result of putting off the wash day? You end up digging 
through your closet for something clean to wear, and you find the only thing
left is a lime-green tight polyester turtleneck and a pair of bell-bottom 
jeans with colorful patches on the back pockets.  And you're suddenly
thinking to yourself, hey, this isn't so bad; I'd rather wear these than 
do the laundry!"

"You know, I wonder what this says about our society.  Every great period 
in history had its hangups.  The Greeks and the Romans refused to wear 
pants, preferring instead to just drape a sheet over themselves.  The people
in the middle ages, they refused to take baths; they thought it made them 
sick.  And us, why, we refuse to even wash our clothes unless we absolutely 
have to.  Kind of shows you just how far our society has come in two 
thousand years, doesn't it?"


THE END (really)


-- 
Steven Han - shan@nyx.cs.du.edu - finger for PGP key

Insert questionable wisdom here