784 lines
16 KiB
Plaintext
784 lines
16 KiB
Plaintext
************************************************************
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Here it is! The actual script of the season finale. And boy, is it
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a cliffhanger!!
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This script was taken from an FBI building in Washington DC
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at great personal risk. They must have intercepted it
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from somewhere. Now read on....
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SPOILERS...
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Fooms
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=====
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A *PARODY* by Glenn Wallace (glenn@fedfil.com) Copyright (c) 1994.
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[May be distributed without charge. May not be published without author's
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consent. All rights reserved. This script is neither endorsed nor
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approved by the Federal Bureau of Investigation or Fox Television.
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Based on characters created by Chris Carter. The truth is out there.]
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v1.0 5/1/94
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Prologue (teaser)
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--------
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EXT DAY. Chicago street
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SubTitle: Chicago, Illinois
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A Chicago city bus is parked at an odd angle against the curb. Ambulances
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and police cruisers surround it, lights flashing. A crowd is being held
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back at a safe distance by a police line.
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Rescue workers move in and around the bus in HazMat suits. One of them
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leaves the bus and moves towards one of the cruisers. He removes his mask
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as he approaches a burly, black police officer.
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RESCUE WORKER
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Well, Dan, the total dead now is six.
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OFFICER DAN
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(shocked) What a horrible, horrible way to die.
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RESCUE WORKER
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You think there's a good way to die? (shakes his head)
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Of course, we won't know for certain the cause of death until
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we do the autopsies.
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OFFICER DAN
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I don't need an autopsy to tell me what my eyes can see!
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Any residue or evidence of the gas?
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RESCUE WORKER
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We've collected some atmospheric samples from inside the bus.
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What do we do now?
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OFFICER DAN
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Impound the bus, remove the bodies, and put the cat out.
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I have a phone call to make.
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RESCUE WORKER
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One more thing. We found ... this...
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He holds up a brown man's shoe, with a hole worn in the bottom.
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OFFICER DAN (into cellular phone)
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Get me Special Agent Fox Mulder of the FBI.
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Dramatic music, ECU on the shoe as we go to...
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Stock footage: title sequence
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-----------------------------
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Act 1
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-----
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INT DAY. FBI Headquarters, Mulder's Office
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SubTitle: FBI Headquarters, Washington DC.
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Scully is sitting at Mulder's desk. On the desk in front of her are three
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Big Macs(TM), four subs, two pizzas and some kind of ice cream dessert.
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Mulder is preparing a slide projector.
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MULDER
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You know you shouldn't eat so much junk food, Scully.
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SCULLY
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Hey, I'll eat what I want, Mulder. Besides, lately I just
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can't seem to satisfy my appetite.
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MULDER
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Well I guess it could be worse, it could be liver.
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(beat) OK, I've got it.
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Mulder turns the lights off. The slide projector comes on
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and we see a CU of a dead body. The man has a pained expression
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on his face, like at the actual moment of death he was suffering
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greatly.
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MULDER
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Chicago, Illinois. Chi-town. The windy city.
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Officer Dan Tullis of the 2nd Precinct called me,
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he's an old friend. We used to go drag racing together
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when we were young foolish teenagers.
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SCULLY
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That's a side of you I never imagined, Mulder.
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MULDER
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Of course we had to give it up after we stopped wearing
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our mother's dresses.
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Mulder steps to the next slide, a CU of a dead woman, clutching
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her purse.
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SCULLY
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Cause of death? (eats some more food)
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MULDER
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Toxic gas inhalation. Or so it would seem.
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SCULLY
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(pauses eating) Well, surely the city has to deal with
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that. A sewer leak, perhaps? Or maybe a toxic waste truck
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drove by and hit a bump and it leaked out. I think you're
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jumping to conclusions, Mulder. There are other more rational
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explanations.
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MULDER
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(hurt) But I didn't say anything! No, no, this time I
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know it wasn't the Grays. (beat) The autopsy didn't show
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any conclusive evidence of this gas other than a
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slight inflammation of the sinuses. In all six deaths,
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the victims seem to have died an extremely horrible
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death, with is what we deal in here at the X-Files.
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SCULLY
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You think there's a good way to die? (shakes her head)
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So where now?
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MULDER
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Gas up the Taurus, and have them get that smell out.
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I have someone to talk to. (stern look)
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I'll met you at National at 6am. Delta has a 6:50am
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flight to Chicago.
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Fade to:
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INT NIGHT. Mulder's Apartment
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Mulder unscrews the bulb from his desk lamp. From his pocket
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he produces a red bulb, which he screws in. He turns the lamp
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on and points it at his window. He reaches for another switch
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and a light shines on a rotating disco mirror ball, also in the
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window.
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EXT NIGHT. Mulder's Apartment
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We see the red lamp and mirror ball clearly from the street.
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You can't miss them.
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INT NIGHT. Mulder's Apartment
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Mulder lies on the couch, watching reruns of the Mary Tyler-Moore
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Show. He falls asleep.
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The phone rings, waking him. Dragnet is on TV. As he crosses the floor,
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he fails to notice 6 screws, a nail, 2 wing nuts, a vent panel, a light
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fitting and a floor board mysteriously lying around.
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Mulder picks up the phone.
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PHONE
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Click. Click. Click - click - click.
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MULDER
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No, wait! Was that 2 then 3 or 3 then 2?
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PHONE
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(louder) CLICK. CLICK. CLICK - CLICK - CLICK.
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MULDER
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(writing) OK, I think I got it. 2 then 2,
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right? That means I should kill the President.
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PHONE
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No, you fool. 2, then 3. Meet me at Daingerfield Park!
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(dial tone)
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EXT NIGHT. Daingerfield Park
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As Mulder walks through the parking lot we see a lot of cars; it looks
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like quite a few people are making out.
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Mulder sits on a park bench, by the river. Across the river we
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can see an array of monuments to dead Presidents.
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>From out of the shadows, Deep Throat emerges. He is wearing the
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obligatory trench coat.
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MULDER
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It's been a while.
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DEEP THROAT
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Look, sonny, I don't want to hear your problems.
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He passes Mulder a plain envelope. Mulder opens it.
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Inside we see photos of JFK's corpse, photos of a young
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Deep Throat proudly holding a rifle, photos of the same
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young Deep Throat at Red Square in Moscow, photos
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of the same young Deep Throat waving from a grassy knoll
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in Dallas.
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Mulder raises his eyebrows.
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MULDER
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This isn't the case I'm working on.
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Deep Throat looks at the photos, and quickly takes the envelope
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back. He produces a different envelope, which Mulder opens.
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We see photos of bodies much like Mulder's slides.
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MULDER
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These people all died the same way as the ones
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this week? They're from Chicago too?
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Deep Throat nods.
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DEEP THROAT
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This was five years ago. We had to keep it quiet,
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there was an election on and we didn't want it
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to affect the outcome.
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MULDER
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What a horrible way to die.
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DEEP THROAT
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You think there's a nice way to die? Now, as usual,
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you must give me complete anonymity. No one can know
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I am talking to you. My identity must remain a
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total secret.
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MULDER
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Yes, but Dr. Kissinger, there's just one more thing I
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need to know. Will _she_ be there?
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DEEP THROAT
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(heavy Jewish accent) Oy! These kids. (normal voice)
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I should think she's the last of your worries.
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Now I must go.
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Deep Throat walks off into the shadows. As he passes a couple
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on another park bench, he opens his trench coat and flashes
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them. Luckily, a Fox TV crew (WTTG channel 5) are waiting
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and we see a blaze of lights as they fire up their cameras.
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Mulder, heading the other direction, sees none of this.
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Act 2
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-----
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EXT DAY. The Taurus, in traffic.
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ECU of a bumper sticker "I brake for Alien Entities".
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INT DAY. The Taurus, in a traffic jam.
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SubTitle: Washington National Airport, Washington DC.
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Mulder is driving, Scully is looking tired.
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SCULLY
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Gee, it was lucky you happened to be sleeping
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in your car outside my apartment.
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MULDER
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Yes, well I was in the area.
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SCULLY
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We should have taken the Metro. I can't believe
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this traffic. At 6am!
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MULDER
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Well, this is actually a left-over traffic jam
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from yesterday evening's rush hour.
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INT DAY. Washington National Airport, Main Terminal.
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SubTitle: Main Terminal, Washington National Airport, Washington DC.
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Mulder and Scully are walking around, looking quite confused.
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Scully approaches an information desk.
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SCULLY
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We're looking for the Delta counter.
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INFORMATION GIRL
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Interim terminal.
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SCULLY
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Oh thanks, I remember it was there the last time
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I was here.
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She walks up to Mulder, whispers to him, and they walk away.
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INFORMATION GIRL (to herself)
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Damn FBI agents, couldn't find their asses with
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a funnel.
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INT DAY. Washington National Airport, Interim Terminal.
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SubTitle: Interim Terminal, Washington National Airport, Washington DC.
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Scully is busy feeding her face from an array of junk food, as usual.
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Mulder is looking pensive, as usual.
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MULDER
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Say Scully, did you ever see that movie where that
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guy on the spaceship kept eating and eating and then
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this thing burst out of his chest?
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SCULLY
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(through food) Can't talk. Eating.
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MULDER
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Before we board there's one small thing I need to check
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on. I'll be right back.
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Mulder walks up to a shoe shine stand. He sits down. The shoe shine
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man starts buffing his white sneakers with black Kiwi shoe polish.
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The shoe shine man looks a lot like the shoe shine guy from
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"Police Squad!".
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MULDER
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It's been a long time.
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SHOE SHINE MAN
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Listen kid, I don't care about your problems.
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Now, you come to me for information.
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Mulder passes him a 20.
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MULDER
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OK, what have you got on the deaths in Chicago?
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Mulder gets out his note pad and prepares to write.
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SHOE SHINE MAN
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Sure. There have been quite a few cases like this
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over the years in Chicago. Some very odd places,
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people just collapse, then lapse into a deep coma
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and die for no apparent reason.
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Now I'll tell you something else, there's a link
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between these deaths and the Green River killings
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a few years back. Do you remember the name of the
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guy that did those?
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Now, Groom Lake is actually a base for secret
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UFO testing. The government has a joint R&D
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project going with the aliens. They provide
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us with the technology, and we provide them
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with supplies of strawberry ice cream.
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Also, JFK was murdered because of his secret
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connections with the Russian Mafia. If you check
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with a Miss Henny F-f-f-f-farmer in Pasadena, she
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will give you the evidence you need to start
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a congressional inquiry.
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You got all that?
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MULDER
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(reading back) "...some very odd places,
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people just collapse..." What was after that?
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INT DAY. Office, Cook County Morgue, Illinois
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SubTitle: Cook County Morgue, Illinois
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Scully, seated, is eating from a nose-bag. Mulder and Officer Dan are
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looking at photos.
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OFFICER DAN
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These latest deaths occurred at the New Market Mall.
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MULDER
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Gruesome. Scully, want to start the autopsy?
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Scully nods, and removes her nose bag.
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SCULLY
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Let's get the body of the most recently deceased.
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Mulder opens a body drawer. It is Richard Nixon. He closes it.
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Mulder opens the next drawer.
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MULDER
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OK, this is Rosemary Friendly. Age 47. Time of death,
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around 1pm today. Can we get someone to move her to the
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autopsy room?
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We move to...
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INT DAY. Autopsy Room, Cook County Morgue, Illinois
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Scully is performing the autopsy, burger in one hand, scalpel in
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the other. Officer Dan and Mulder watch, both looking quite green.
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SCULLY (into mic)
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...weight of liver 6 pounds. Boy, did Eugene miss out
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on a good un' here. No abnormal lung tissue. Minor
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lesions on esophagus. Gross inflammation of sinus tissue.
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Yep, looks like the same thing, all right.
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MULDER
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Any clues as to the actual cause?
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SCULLY
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Looks like the inflamed tissue blocked airways sufficiently
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to cause near instant suffocation.
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OFFICER DAN
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What a horrible way to die.
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MULDER and SCULLY (together)
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There's no nice way to die!
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OFFICER DAN
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Oh yeah, we found another shoe at the scene.
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Same cheap type as the first one, same wear pattern.
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ECU on the shoe. As we .... go to a soap powder commercial.
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Act 3
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-----
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INT DAY. Office, Cook County Morgue, Illinois
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Mulder and Scully are sitting down, reviewing some medical reports.
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Scully is drinking a milkshake, using three straws.
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MULDER
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You know, you should watch your weight. People
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will start to notice it.
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SCULLY
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I just can't explain this hunger.
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MULDER
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(screams) Chest burster!! haha!
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Scully chokes.
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MULDER
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Hey, just kidding.
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Scully continues to choke.
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MULDER
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Look, sorry I scared you. You can stop now.
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Scully goes pale.
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MULDER
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Oh-my-God!!!
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Scully hurls her cookies, all over the floor. Luckily we are spared
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any view of this.
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INT DAY. Cook County Medical Examiner's Lab
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Scully is hooked up to an ultrasound machine. Mulder has turned slightly
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maniacal, operating controls, zooming in and out on the screen.
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He's in paranoid mad scientist mode.
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MULDER
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Well, it looks definitely like....
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SCULLY
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What, Mulder, what?
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MULDER
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...there is something growing inside of you.
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SCULLY
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No.
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MULDER
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Yes. I'm afraid you're.... pregnant.
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SCULLY
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(incredulous) But how?!
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MULDER
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There have been many cases reported like this,
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dating back to Biblical times. More recently
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some lesbians have reported going to parties,
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getting drunk, and waking up pregnant.
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This is your basic Immaculate Conception.
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Also, UFO abductees have made similar reports
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under hypnosis
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SCULLY
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I don't believe you.
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MULDER
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You and Phil Klass. You don't believe me or you
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don't _want_ to believe?
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SCULLY
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(still shocked) You know what this means?
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MULDER
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I'll be getting a new partner, that's for sure.
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INT NIGHT. Hotel Room
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Mulder is watching the Home Shopping Channel. We hear a knock
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on the door.
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Mulder opens to the door. Standing before him is a very anonymous
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looking man. He is of average build, height, complexion and dress.
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Actually, he's _wearing_ an average looking dress.
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Mulder lets him in and closes the door.
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MAN
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Fox Mulder. At last we meet.
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MULDER
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Who are you? How did you know I was here?
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MAN
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You can call me "Deeper Throat". I've been
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watching you for a long time.
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MULDER
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How long?
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MAN
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Remember when you were at the baseball game looking for
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that murderer? I was the guy sitting behind you.
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When you were chasing the computer killer? I was the guy
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crossing the street as you walked into the office building.
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When you were on the Indian reservation? I was the elder
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you spoke to.
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(quickens pace)
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When you were in the Washington forest? I was a small furry
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animal up a tree. When you were in Alaska? I was the dog.
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When you were chasing the EBE body? I was the hooker you
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tried to solicit in Atlanta.
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When ---
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MULDER
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I get the picture. You've been watching me for a long time.
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Why are you here?
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MAN
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To put you on the right track of course.
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MULDER
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And what track might that be?
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MAN
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Don't you want to find the cause of this? Who is behind it?
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MULDER
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Why are you doing this?
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MAN
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Guilt. A sense of fair play, righting wrongs. Bringing
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the _truth_ to light.
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MULDER
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I understand.
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MAN
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9764 Jeopardy Lane.
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EXT NIGHT. Outside the house.
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Mulder is at the front door of the house. It has an orange door
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and the number beside the door reads "9764".
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Mulder counts to himself...
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MULDER (under his breath)
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1..2....3!
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Mulder kicks the door in, gun in hand. In the squalid living room he
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sees a man sitting on a couch watching TV. His hair is thinning and he
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has one hand in his pants.
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He once played high school football. (4 touchdowns in one game.)
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His bare feet are on the coffee table. Mulder goes down in the
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doorway.... gasping.
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PEGGY BUNDY (VO from upstairs)
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Al! Have you got your shoes off again?
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MULDER (to himself)
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(fading fast) What a horrible way to <gasp> die....
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Fade out.
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Stock footage: end titles
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- END -
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-----------------+-------------------------------------------------------------
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Glenn Wallace | Don't turn your back on the world. Turning your back is what
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glenn@fedfil.com | happens when you're busy looking the other way.
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fedfile@digex.net| - Ron Nasty (the Rutles)
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