92 lines
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92 lines
5.0 KiB
Plaintext
Subject: Star Trek meets Lost in Space
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Article-I.D.: yang.1992May27.201025.18505
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Star Trek Meets Lost in Space
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By Uri Lessing
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inspired by Jeremiah Wilton
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Captain Picard was sipping tea in personal quarters. There was only calm
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in is face, as he enjoyed a few moments alone from all of the weirdos he
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had on board his ship. Thoughts drifted to France. "Ahh Paris", he
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thought sadly.
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Suddenly, a voice cut through the air. "Captain, you better come to the
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bridge! There is an unidentifyable vessel appearing on our scanners."
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"Damn that Horseshoe crabed headed Klingon!", said Picard aloud.
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"I heard that, Captain", shouted Worf,"and just what IS a horseshoe crab?"
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Picard stepped into the turbo-shaft and told it to take him to the bridge.
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When the doors opened, there stood the entire crew. Data was there looking
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as pale as ever. And Wesley was there too, annoying Worf by shooting
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rubber-bands at him.
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"Captain, tell Wesley to quit it", shouted Worf in his booming voice.
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But all the captain could think about was what he saw on the viewing
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screen. There was the oddest spaceship he had ever seen. The vessel
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seemed to resemble two 20th century Earth paper plates that had been glued
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together."
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"Captain", said Data,"If you wish I could realine the subwertonian beams,
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and polatarize the yogos ion mix, and transport one of the crew here."
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"Like finding Waldo in an Arabian dessert.", said Riker from the back of
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the room.
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"Yes, exactly Sir."
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"Make it so.", beamed Picard in his favorite comanding voice.
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Data pressed a few buttons, and all of a sudden a the air shimmered in the
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center of the bridge. Suddenly, a scrawny looking man in his 60s
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appeared. He was dressed in a skin tight polyester uniform, that seemed
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to resemble the uniforms of the first Enterprise. Just at that moment
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Conselor Troi entered from the Turbo-shaft.
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"I'm DOOMED!", he cried, "Help me, oh pleeeasse...I'll give you
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anything...Pleasse!!!"
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"Captain, I sense fear in him",said Troi.
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"Of course you sense fear, Counselor; he is obviously scared out of is
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wits! Do you ever tell us anything we don't know?", snapped Riker.
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"That's enough, Will!", cried Picard. He turned to the strange man they
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had beamed aboard who was attempting to hide under one of the control panels.
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"Who are you?",said Picard.
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"Oh please...Don't hurt meeee. What? You want to know who I am.",slowly
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the man rose, "I, sir, am Doctor Zachary Smith. I am a scientist
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extrordanaire. And who might you be, young lady?"
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Slowly, Doctor Smith nuzzled his head in Counselor Troi's busom.
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"That's enough!", cried Worf, who proceded to charge Doctor Smith, who let
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out a loud yelp and held his hands in front of his face. Unfortunatly,
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Worf's head slammed right into the central mohogany wood paneling, and
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fell right to the floor.
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"Why do I always get hurt?", moaned Worf,"I'm the strongest crew member.
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Why oh Why?", and then he fell unconcious.
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"Take him away you albino ninny!",cried Doctor Smith at Data.
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"Sir, I am not an albino. I am an android. I am programmed to..."
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"Shut your trap you bucket of bolts!", cried Doctor Smith.
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"Captain, what is a bucket of bolts?, inquired Data.
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Just then the air in the center of the bridge shivered again, and there
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stood a cute red-headed boy, and a curious looking robot.
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"A BORG!!!!", shrieked Wesley, as he soiled his yellow spandex uniform.
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"WARNING! WARNING!", cried the Robot.
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"Captain, these electronic creature is extraordinary.", said Data,"Its
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protective shielding seems to be made from sheet metal wrapped in aluminum foil"
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"DANGER! DANGER!", cried the Robot.
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"Captain, its arms also seem to be made out of this strange 20th century
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plastic tubing.", continued Data,"and it has a goldfish bowl over the
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computational section of its system."
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"Golly, you can't say that about my Robot!",cried the red-headed boy.
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Suddenly Wesley Crusher stood up,"Hi, I'm Wesley. Will you be my bestest
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buddy?"
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"Sure!", shouted the boy, and they skipped off to explore the enterprise.
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"WARNING! WARNING!", shouted the Robot.
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"Look, can't you make that thing shut-up.", said Picard impatiently.
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"Why certainly..", Data replied. He reached behind the Robot's
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goldfishbowl head and simply switched him off. The robot's plastic tube
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arms sucked back into its body, and its head drooped.
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"Ahhh! We're doomed!", screeched Doctor Smith.
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Picard turned to Riker. "Shoot him, set to kill."
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A few hours later, Riker and Picard sat in the Enterprise's lounge
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drinking replicated Coor's lights.
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"It's a shame we had to eject the kid and Robot into space.", said Riker.
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"Now, now, Riker. They were to horrible even for us to save.",replied
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Picard,"Although I did feel a bit guilty about blowing up that ship. It
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was classic engineering."
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"Hey Captain!",exclaimed Riker,"Didn't we just break the prime directive."
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"Screw the prime directive",was Picard's response as he downed his Coors
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and wondered what space would throw at him next.
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--
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Uri J. Lessing | Earlham College | Richmond, Indiana
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