714 lines
20 KiB
Plaintext
714 lines
20 KiB
Plaintext
1
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This is a transcription of the Saturday Night Live sketch, "The Last Voyage
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of the Starship Enterprise"
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THE LAST VOYAGE OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE
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(Saturday Night Live -- June, 1976)
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CAST:
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Captain James T. Kirk -- John Belushi
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Mr. Spock -- Chevy Chase
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Lieutenant Uhura -- Doris Powell
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Mr. Sulu -- Leo Yoshimura
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Doctor McCoy -- Dan Aykroyd
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Mr. Scott -- Dan Aykroyd <filtered voice-over>
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Herb Goodman -- Elliot Gould
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Cutis -- Garrett Morris
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(OPEN ON: VTR OF 1968 NBC COLOR LOGO OF PEACOCK UNFOLDING)
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ANNOUNCER <V.O.>:
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The following program is brought to you in living color by NBC.
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(CUT TO: THE BRIDGE OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE. MUST INCLUDE CAPTAIN'S
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CHAIR, HELM AND NAVIGATOR STATIONS, MAIN VIEWING SCREEN, COMMUNICATIONS
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STATION, LIBRARY COMPUTER STATION, RED HANDRAIL, BANKS OF LIGHTS AND
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SCREENS, AND TURBO-LIFT WITH WORKING ELEVATOR DOORS... THE TIME IS THE
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TWENTY-THIRD CENTURY.)
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(SFX: BRIDGE SFX)
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(SPOCK IS SPEAKING INTO INTERCOM ... )
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SPOCK:
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(WITH SOME METALLIC ECHO)
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Captain Kirk to the bridge! Captain Kirk to the bridge!
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(KIRK ENTERS BRISKLY THROUGH TURBO-LIFT DOORS)
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(SFX: PNEUMATIC DOOR)
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KIRK:
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Yes, Mister Spock.
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SPOCK:
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Sensors are picking up an unidentified vessel, Captain, headed straight
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toward us.
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KIRK:
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Range, Mr. Sulu?
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SULU:
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Point zero four light years, sir, and closing fast.
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KIRK:
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Lieutenant Uhura, open a hailing frequency.
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UHURA:
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I've been trying to raise them but there's no response, sir.
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KIRK:
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(PUSHES BUTTON OR TALKS INTO MICROPHONE) This is Captain James T. Kirk
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of the starship Enterprise. Identify yourself. (TO UHURA) Put them on
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the viewscreen, full magnification.
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UHURA:
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Aye aye, sir.
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(SFX: VIEWSCREEN SOUNDS)
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KIRK:
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(PUSHES BUTTON OR TALKS INTO MICROPHONE) Repeat -- identify yourself.
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(CUT TO: MOCKUP OF BRIDGE SCREEN ON WHICH IS KEYED A MAROON '68 CHRYSLER
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LIMO "DRIVING" TOWARD THE VIEWER THROUGH A FIELD OF STARS WHICH CONTINUALLY
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RECEDE, TO INDICATE MOTION ...)
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What kind of ship is that, Mr. Spock?
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SPOCK:
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Fascinating, Captain. It would appear to be an early gas combustion
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vehicle, at least two or three hundred years old.
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KIRK:
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(TO SPOCK) Run it through the computer. Find out what those little
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numbers mean. I want answers.
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SPOCK:
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(TO COMPUTER) Process visual feed. Analyze and reply.
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KIRK:
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I have a hunch, Mr. Spock, that we are about to face a menace more
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terrifying than the flying parasites of Ingraham B; more insidious
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than the sand-bats of Manark 4; more bloodthirsty than the vampire
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clouds of Argus 10. I have a hunch that "thing" out there is more
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deadly than the Klingons, the Romulans, and the Gorns, all rolled
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into one.
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(SFX: COMPUTER)
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(A STRIP OF PAPER COMES OUT FROM CONSOLE ...)
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SPOCK:
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Here is the readout, Captain. The computer has identified the alien
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vessel as a 1968 Chrysler Imperial with a tinted windshield and retrac-
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table headlights.
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KIRK:
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And the little blue and orange numbers?
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SPOCK:
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That's called a "California license plate", and it's registered, or
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was in 1968, to a corporation known as "NBC".
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(SFX: COMPUTER SFX)
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(MORE PAPER STRIP COMES OUT FROM CONSOLE SLOT ...)
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SPOCK: (CONT'D)
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Wait, here's something more. The computer isn't sure, but it thinks
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this NBC used to manufacture cookies.
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KIRK:
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Could that (POINTS AT SCREEN) be some sort of illusion, Mr. Spock?
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SPOCK:
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It's no illusion, Captain. Scanner readings indicate two life forms
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inside that craft.
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KIRK:
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Mr. Sulu, increase speed to warp factor eight.
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SULU:
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But, sir, that's only for the most extreme emergencies. The ship can't
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take it.
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KIRK:
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You heard my order, Mr. Sulu.
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SULU:
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Aye aye, sir.
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(CUT TO: MODEL SHOTS OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE ZIPPING THROUGH SPACE,
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OLLOWED CLOSELY BY THE CHRYSLER LIMO)
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(MUSIC: STAR TREK THEME)
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(SUPER: STAR TREK)
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(SUPER: THE LAST VOYAGE OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE)
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KIRK:
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Captain's Log, Stardate 3615.6. On a routine delivery of medical
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supplies to Earth Colony 9, we are being chased through space by an
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automobile three centuries old, owned by a company that manufactured
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cookies. It would all seem silly if it weren't for this feeling of
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dread that haunts me, a sense of impending doom.
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(MUSIC: OUT)
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(CUT TO: BRIDGE ...)
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(SFX: BRIDGE SOUNDS)
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SULU:
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They're right behind us, Captain.
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KIRK:
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Let's lose them, Mr. Sulu. Prepare for evasive action. Helm hard to
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port!
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(THEY LURCH TO RIGHT AS CAMERA TILTS)
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Hard to starboard!
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(THEY LURCH TO LEFT AS CAMERA TILTS)
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Hard to port!
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(THEY LURCH TO RIGHT AS CAMERA TILTS)
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SPOCK:
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Frankly, Captain, I'm exhausted.
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KIRK:
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Me too. Stabilize, Mr. Sulu.
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(CAMERA LEVELS)
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SULU:
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Look, Captain!
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(CUT TO: MODEL OF CHRYSLER LIMO, MUCH CLOSER THAN BEFORE)
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It's no use. We can't shake them.
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KIRK:
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Then we'll give them a fight they won't forget. (INTO INTERCOM, WHICH
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MAKES FOR SOME METALLIC ECHO) All hands! Man your battle stations!
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(SFX: WHOOPING ALARM)
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This is not a drill! Red alert! Man your battle stations! Red alert!
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SPOCK:
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But, Captain --
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KIRK:
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(METALLIC ECHO LOST)
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Lock phasers on target, Mr. Sulu.
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SULU:
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Phasers locked on target, sir.
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SPOCK:
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But, Captain, you can't --
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KIRK:
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Stand by to fire.
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SULU:
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Phasers standing by, sir.
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(SFX: FADE WHOOPING ALARM OUT ...)
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SPOCK:
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But, Captain, we don't know who the aliens are or what they want. To kill
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them without warning would be highly illogical.
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KIRK:
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Fact -- their intentions are unknown. Fact -- I am responsible for the
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lives of 430 crewmen. And, fact -- I can't afford to take any chances.
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(TO SULU) Fire main phasers! (PAUSE WHEN NOTHING HAPPENS) I said, "Fire
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main phasers!"
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SULU:
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(FRANTICALLY HITTING BUTTONS) I'm trying, sir. Nothing is happening.
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KIRK:
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Arm and lock photon torpedoes, Mr. Sulu.
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SULU:
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They're not working either, Captain.
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KIRK:
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Deflectors up.
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SULU:
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Captain, the helm does not respond. The controls are dead.
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SPOCK:
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We're slowing down, Captain. We're stopping.
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(THE LIGHTS DIM AND FLICKER A BIT IN THE BRIDGE ... )
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KIRK:
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(PRESSING BUTTON OR TALKING INTO MIKE)
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(SFX: BEEP)
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Bridge to Engine Room, acknowledge.
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SCOTTY: <FILTERED V.O.>
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Scotty here, Captain.
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KIRK:
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What in blazes is going on, Scotty?
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SCOTTY: <FILTERED V.O.>
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I dinna know, Captain. We're losing power and I don't know why.
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KIRK:
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Well, do something, man. Go to manual override. Cut in auxilliary
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systems.
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SCOTTY: <FILTERED V.O.>
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Saints preserve us, Captain, but even the emergency systems are out.
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KIRK:
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Well, fix it, Scotty. I don't care how, but fix it. The lives of 430
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crewmen hang in the balance. Kirk out.
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SPOCK:
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Life support systems are still operative, Captain.
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KIRK:
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But for how long, Mr. Spock, for how long? Lieutenant Uhura, inform
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Starfleet Command of our situation.
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UHURA:
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All communications are dead, Captain.
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(SFX: PNEUMATIC DOOR)
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(FROM TURBO-LIFT, McCOY BURSTS INTO ROOM ... )
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McCOY:
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Jim, Jim, I -- I .... Jim --
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KIRK:
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Great god, man, spit it out.
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McCOY:
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The aliens have boarded us, Jim. And they're headed this way.
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KIRK:
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But how, Bones? How did they get on board? Did they beam on? Did
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they suddenly materialize?
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McCOY:
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No, they just sort of stepped out from behind the curtains.
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SPOCK:
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Describe them, Doctor.
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McCOY:
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There's two of them. Bipeds, humanoid in appearance. Their clothing is
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drab except for a bright piece of cloth worn around the neck of the
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leader.
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SPOCK:
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Was there anything else odd about their clothing?
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McCOY:
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I'm a doctor, not a tailor, dammit! Wait, there was one other thing
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about them that seemed strange. They spoke English! Quick, Jim, I
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hear them coming up the turbo-lift! They'll be here in seconds!
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KIRK:
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We'll be ready for them, Doctor.
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(KIRK, SPOCK, AND McCOY QUICKLY WHIP OUT THEIR PHASERS AND TRAIN THEM ON
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THE TURBO-LIFT DOORS)
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(THE DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE TO ADMIT HERB GOODMAN AND CURTIS ...)
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(SFX: PNEUMATIC DOORS)
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Welcome aboard the starship Enterprise. I'm Captain James T. Kirk,
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representing the United Federation of Planets.
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GOODMAN:
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(ABOUT TO GLAD-HAND KIRK) Hi, I'm Herb Goodman, head of programming
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for the network.
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KIRK:
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Stand back. I won't hesitate to shoot.
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(GOODMAN SORT OF IGNORES HIM AND ADDRESSES THE GROUP ... )
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GOODMAN:
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Can I have your attention? (TO CURTIS) Curtis, you want to turn off
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those sound effects?
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CURTIS:
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Sure thing.
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(EXITS OFF CAMERA, NOT INTO TURBO-LIFT)
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GOODMAN:
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(ADDRESSING GROUP AGAIN) Everyone, please, can I have your attention?
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I have an announcement to make.
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(SFX: BRIDGE SOUND EFFECTS GRIND TO SILENCE LIKE A RECORD SLOWING DOWN
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AND STOPPING)
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(AT THE SAME TIME, THE BLINKING LIGHTS ON THE PANELS FADE AND GO OUT ...)
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Due to the low Neilsens, we at NBC have decided to cancel "Star Trek".
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KIRK:
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(TO SPOCK AND McCOY) Fire at my command.
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GOODMAN:
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On your way out, stop by the cashier's office and pick up your checks.
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KIRK:
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Set phasers on "stun." Fire.
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(THEY SET PHASERS ON STUN AND ATTEMPT TO FIRE AT GOODMAN, BUT NOTHING HAPPENS)
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McCOY:
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They're not firing, Jim.
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KIRK:
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(CASUALLY) Try "kill".
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THEY SET PHASERS ON "KILL" AND AGAIN TRY TO SHOOT GOODMAN, BUT NOTHING
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HAPPENS ...)
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McCOY:
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Nope, still nothing.
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GOODMAN:
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(TO THE THREE OF THEM ABOUT PHASERS) You'll make sure the property
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department gets those things back, won't you, fellows?
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SPOCK:
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Most peculiar, Captain. I can only conclude that they possess some sort
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of weapons deactivator. In which case, I shall merely render him uncon-
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scious with my famous Vulcan nerve pinch.
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GOODMAN:
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Of course, if it was up to me you could keep them -- as souvenirs, give
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'em to your kids, whatever. But, you see, they're planning to market a
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complete line of Trekkie merchandise, and I have to send these to Taiwan
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to be copied.
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(AS HE SPEAKS, SPOCK APPROACHES HIM AND ATTEMPTS TO KNOCK HIM OUT WITH THE
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VULCAN NERVE PINCH. IT HAS NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER AND SPOCK DOES DISBELIEF
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TAKE ON HIS HAND)
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(SPOCK TRIES NERVE PINCH A SECOND TIME, AND GOODMAN THINKS HE'S ADMIRING
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HIS SUIT)
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Isn't that fabric something? You just can't buy material like this in
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the States. No way! But I was lucky enough to find this great little
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tailor who flies in from London four times a year --
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(SPOCK, NONPLUSSED, TURNS TO WALK AWAY)
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Oh, Nimoy, we'll need those ears back too, I'm afraid.
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(HE PULLS OFF THE TIPS OF SPOCK'S EARS AND POCKETS THEM)
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McCOY:
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(TO GOODMAN) For God's sake, man, we're on a five-year mission to
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explore space, the final frontier, and dammit, we've only been out
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three years!
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GOODMAN:
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Sorry, but it's those Neilsens. If it was up to me, of course ....
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KIRK:
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What are those "Neilsens" that the alien keeps mentioning, Mr. Spock?
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SPOCK:
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If I remember my history correctly, Captain, Neilsens were a primitive
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system of estimating television viewers once used in the mid-twentieth
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century.
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McCOY:
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If Man were meant to fly, he'd have better ratings, is that what you're
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saying, Mr. Goodbody, whatever your name is? (TO SULU AND UHURA) Come
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on, George, Nichelle, let's go tie one on.
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UHURA:
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I'm with you, Kelley.
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SULU:
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Maybe I'll just go home.
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KIRK:
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(TO McCOY) Belay that kind of talk, Doctor McCoy.
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McCOY:
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(TO KIRK) Forget it, Bill. We lost. It's over. (TO SPOCK) Are you
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coming, Leonard?
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(SPOCK TRIES VULCAN NERVE PINCH ON McCOY)
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(BRUSHING HIM ASIDE) Knock it off, you joker!
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(McCOY, UHURA, AND SULU EXIT. SPOCK STARTS TO EXIT ... )
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KIRK:
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(A BIT DESPERATE NOW) Wait, Mr. Spock. We have yet to try Vulcan
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mind meld, where you actually enter the alien's brain, merge with
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his intelligence, and read his thoughts.
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SPOCK:
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I entered Mr. Goodman's mind while you were talking to Dr. McCoy, Captain.
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(CURTIS ENTERS HERE OR A LITTLE BEFORE, NOT REALLY NOTICED, AND STARTS TO PRY
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APART THE SET WITH A CROWBAR)
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(SPOCK CONTINUES SPEAKING, OBVIOUSLY SHAKEN BY WHAT HE HAS SEEN IN GOODMAN'S
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MIND ... )
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It was all ... all dark and empty in there. And ... and there were little
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mice in the corners and spiders had spun this web --
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KIRK:
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(GRABBING HIM) Spock!
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SPOCK:
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I kept bumping my head on the ceiling, and --
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KIRK:
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(SHAKING HIM) Snap out of it, Spock!
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SPOCK:
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(WITH A SHUDDER) It's okay, Captain. I'm all right now.
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GOODMAN:
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What do you think, Curtis? Any chance we can sell this junk to
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"Lost in Space"?
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(CURTIS HAS PRIED APART A SECTION OF THE SET AND IS TURNING IT AROUND ...)
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CURTIS:
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Well, it all comes apart.
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KIRK:
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(TO CURTIS) Hey, get away from there!
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(CURTIS DOES NOT TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY, AND THROWS HIM A MOCKING SALUTE)
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CURTIS:
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Right on, Buck Rogers! Is that an order?
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KIRK:
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No, it can't end like this. I won't let it! This is MY ship! I give
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the orders here! I give the commands! I am responsible for the lives
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of 430 crewmen, and I'm not going to let them down! There's got to be
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a way out! (POUNDS PANEL IN FRUSTRATION)
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SPOCK:
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You are becoming quite emotional, Captain. Needless to say, my trained
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Vulcan mind finds such open displays of emotion distasteful. Emotion,
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you see, interferes with logic, and it is only by dealing with problems
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in a logical, scientific fashion that we can arrive at valid solutions.
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Now, with regard to the alien takeover of the Enterprise, I would suggest
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that we seek some new alternative, based upon exact computer analysis, of
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|
course, and taking into consideration elements of -- (SUDDENLY BREAKS DOWN
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INTO SOBBING WACKO) Oh, God! I don't believe it! We're cancelled! How
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could they do this? Everybody I know loves the show! I have a contract!
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What about my contract? I want my ears back! (ETC ...)
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GOODMAN:
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(LEADING SPOCK OFF) Curtis, can you give me a hand here?
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CURTIS:
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I have a couple Valium in my tool box. Maybe that'll help.
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(GOODMAN AND CURTIS HELP SPOCK OFF THE SET ... )
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KIRK:
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So it's just me, is it? Well, I've been in tougher spots. Surrender?
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No way. I'd rather go down with the ship.
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GOODMAN:
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(EXITING) Oh, Shatner, your agent called you. Something about a mar-
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garine commercial. He said he'd call back.
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(KIRK IS LEFT ALONE. TIRED, DEFEATED, HE SINKS INTO HIS COMMAND CHAIR AND
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PUNCHES THE BUTTON TO MAKE HIS FINAL ENTRY)
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KIRK:
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Captain's log, final entry. We have tried to explore strange new worlds,
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to seek out new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
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And except for one television network, we have found intelligent life
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everywhere in the galaxy. (HE GIVES THE VULCAN SALUTE) Live long and
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prosper. (KIRK CLOSES HIS FINGERS) Promise. Captain James T. Kirk,
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SC 937-0176 CEC.
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(PULL BACK TO SHOW HIM ALONE IN WHAT IS NOW OBVIOUSLY A SET IN A TV STUDIO,
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WITH SOME OF SET BROKEN UP AND ONE PIECE TURNED AROUND SO ONE CAN READ "STAR
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TREK BRIDGE #4" CRUDELY PAINTED ON THE BACK. CONTINUE PULLING BACK TO SHOW
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CAMERAS -- WITH CONTEMPORARY NBC LOGO MASKED -- BOOMS, TECHNICIANS)
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(SLOW FADE .....)
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[1] Tfiles: (1-2,?,Q) : |