2402 lines
118 KiB
Plaintext
2402 lines
118 KiB
Plaintext
(5.59++/CIS1.1) id AA09618; Wed, 30 May 90 12:34:08 CDT
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id AA20065; Wed, 30 May 90 13:33:35 EDT
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ENTERPRISE vs GALACTICA, chapter 1 of 6
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To anyone who, with considerable justification, might wonder what exactly this
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is, let me (somewhat) explain.
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I do not have access to the rec.arts.startrek bboard, but I do have some
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friends on Internet who keep me posted on the latest and/or strangest on
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various boards. My recent favorite has been the running debate on the
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rec.arts.startrek bulletin board about which ship could kick which ship's butt,
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the new Enterprise (NCC-1701D) or the Battlestar Galactica.
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For a while we were content to simply read the debate and laugh among our-
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selves that people had nothing better to write these. (Of course, you can
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only laugh about that so far before having to explain why you've been FOLLOWING
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this debate so faithfully, too.) However, in the interests of further annoying
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a few people, we felt that we should write something which would not just set
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the record wrong, but set it DEFINITIVELY wrong, and annoy a maximum number
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of people at the same time. This story is my own fault... but a few others,
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including the poor lad posting this for me, are guilty of encouragement.
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So here's a story to that end, which you can either read or, if you DO have
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something better to do with your time, discard promptly.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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OPENING SCENE: The Enterprise (the new one, yes) hanging out in space, minding
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its own business, when along comes this Romulan Bird of Prey ship thing. On
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board the Enterprise, various people react badly.
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Captain Jean-Luc Picard reacts like this...
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PICARD: Uh-oh. Must be another season finale.
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First Officer Will Riker reacts like this...
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RIKER: I sure hope we get to do some shooting this time.
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Weapons Officer (and Klingon) Worf reacts like this...
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WORF: Klingon honor dictates that we shred them to bits.
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Acting Doofus Wesley Crusher reacts like this...
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WESLEY: Ho hum, I'll probably have to save the ship again...
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And the rest of the bridge crew reacts like this...
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EVERYONE: Will you SHUT UP, WESLEY!!!
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The Romulan ship appears not to react at all.
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PICARD: What do you make of it, Will? They're just sitting there.
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RIKER: Looks hostile to me, sir. Need I remind you that the Romulans live for
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nothing but fights, destruction, and painting neat stuff on their ships?
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PICARD: You need not.
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RIKER: Then let's blast them before they, uh... well, whatever mean nasty
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thing I'm sure they're planning.
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PICARD: No. Let's see what they're up to. Open a hailing frequency, Uhura.
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UHURA: I'm not in this series.
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PICARD: Right. Uh, somebody get that. Anybody; you've all got the same
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blinking bits to push anyways.
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GEORDI: Hey wait everybody. Look what's happening on the screen.
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EVERYONE: Oooh. Aahh. What the...?
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PICARD: Interesting. Geordi, what do you make of it?
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GEORDI: Well, I see lots of vertical lines...
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RIKER: That's that banana comb you've got over your eyes.
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GEORDI: Oh, right. Okay, I see pulsating swirls of strange colors, extending
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even into the invisible radiation frequencies. Data, what do you think?
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DATA: Records have many similar references, but none without the aid of
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recreational pharmaceuticals.
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PICARD: Any theories?
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DATA: Check what went into the crew's lunch today.
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PICARD: Uhhh... any OTHER theories?
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DATA: Possibly another of those space-time warp things, sir. The possibilities
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are virtually limited only by the writer's imagination.
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PICARD: Is this something the Romulans are doing?
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DATA: It seems unlikely, sir. They, too, are scanning the object.
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TROI: Captain, I sense confusion and distrust on the Romulan vessel. They are
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no doubt wondering if WE are responsible.
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PICARD: Hmm... what do you make of this, Will?
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RIKER: It's got to be a Romulan trick. Let's blast them AND the phenomenon!
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PICARD: No.
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RIKER: We never blast anything. I thought this was gonna be a fun ship.
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PICARD: However, you COULD assemble your Away Team.
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RIKER: Okay! But what for?
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PICARD: I just want you to go Away.
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Suddenly the Enterprise is rocked by an attack, or at least the camera bounces
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around a good bit.
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WORF: Sir! The Romulans are attacking!
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WESLEY: Minor damage and extreme annoyance on all decks, sir. Shall I save
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the ship now?
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PICARD: Not yet, anyway. Worf, status?
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WORF: Red alert, shields up, phaser and photon torpedoes ready, adrenalin
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flowing freely. I recommend immediate retaliation.
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PICARD: That depends. Will, what do you say?
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RIKER: Hit 'em hard.
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PICARD: No, then. We'll sit here and take it.
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WORF: Sir!! Klingon honor demands we kick their butts, sir!
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PICARD: Well... okay then. Fire away.
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DATA: Sir! The phenomenon is expanding! It appears it will swallow both
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ships...
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WORF: I think I can still get this shot off...
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At this point, of course, there would have to be a commercial break.
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Once the commercial break was past, we would find ourselves in a totally new
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situation, which at first would appear to be totally unrelated. This time,
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hanging about in space and minding its own business, is the Battlestar
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Galactica, along with a rag-tag fleet comprised of various vehicles well past
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their prime and not that good to start with-- mostly Chrysler Volares.
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Zipping about like mad since they have nothing better to do with their fuel
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are a few small Viper fightercraft. In the cockpits of these small craft, a
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conversation is going on...
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APOLLO: Well, another sector completed. Still no sign of Cylon nasties.
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STARBUCK: Yes, well, isn't that surprising. We're flying around ahead of the
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fleet, the Cylons are behind the fleet, what did we expect?
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APOLLO: You never know when the Cylons could circle around in front of us.
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STARBUCK: How long has it been since they bothered? In fact, there hasn't
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been ANYTHING exciting in quite some time. I wonder if maybe our series was
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canceled.
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APOLLO: Quit your babbling, do you see what I see?
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STARBUCK: Well, I think so.
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APOLLO: What do you see?
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STARBUCK: Stars. Lots of them.
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APOLLO: Besides that.
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STARBUCK: Uh... black space in between them?
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APOLLO: Are you even looking?
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STARBUCK: Well... you remember my idea for a way to get my cigars in my flight
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suit?
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APOLLO: Please don't tell me.
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STARBUCK: It works great except for all this smoke. Can't see felgercarb
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through it...
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APOLLO: Great. And you're on patrol. Well, I'll tell you what I see.
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STARBUCK: Do that.
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APOLLO: There's an area of swirling colors and strange, whorling patterns.
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STARBUCK: Oh, so you DID try some of that drink in the rec room?
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APOLLO: NO, there's something out here! Look at your sensors!
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STARBUCK: Sensors... right. Squarish screen, lower middle of the panel,
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right?
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APOLLO: Arggh. We've got to get back and warn the fleet. C'mon!
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STARBUCK: Right. I'll follow your vapor trail. At least I can see that...
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Shortly, Apollo and a slightly woozy Starbuck report to Commander Adama, on
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the bridge of the Galactica.
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APOLLO: Commander, sir, pilots Apollo and Starbuck to report.
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ADAMA: I'll have no such familiarity on this bridge.
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APOLLO: Sorry, daddy. Listen, pop, while I was out in the Viper...
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ADAMA: You didn't hit anything, did you?
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APOLLO: No, dad, listen--
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ADAMA: You got a ticket?
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APOLLO: NO, we just--
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ADAMA: Well, what did you do this time?
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APOLLO: We saw this area of swirling lights and flowing colors.
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ADAMA: That does it. How many times have I told you not to fly right after a
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party. You're in big trouble now mister.
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APOLLO: But, I wasn't...
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ADAMA: Starbuck, you I can trust. What really happened out there?
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STARBUCK: Oh. Well, uh, we... what was it?
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APOLLO: Flashing colors.
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STARBUCK: Yeah, flashing colors, we saw flashing colors, and what was that
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other thing?
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APOLLO: Swirling lights.
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STARBUCK: Yeah, that was it, swirling lights, man you shoulda seen those
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swirling lights.
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ADAMA: Where?
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APOLLO: Sector 6.02x10^23.
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ADAMA: Whatzat?
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APOLLO: The area in front of us.
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ADAMA: So we're headed for some strange spatial phenomenon, then?
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APOLLO: Uh, yes sir. We should be picking it up on the forward sensors in a
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few centons.
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TIGH: Commander Alpo-- I mean, Adama, we're actually picking up some sort of
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sensor disturbance right now.
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ADAMA: Put it on some screens.
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TIGH: Which ones, sir?
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ADAMA: Umm... pre-empt MTV for this.
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TIGH: Yes sir. Image is ready... now.
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ADAMA: Hmmm... Colonel Tigh, I thought I told you to pre-empt MTV.
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TIGH: I did, sir. That IS the sensor image.
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ADAMA: Oh. Very strange. It's growing to encompass us, too, isn't it?
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TIGH: Well, yes, sir, it is.
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ADAMA: Can we outrun it?
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TIGH: Let me see... yes, we could, but we'd have to leave our fleet behind.
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ADAMA: Where is the Council of the Twelve now?
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TIGH: Here, on board the Galactica.
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ADAMA: Oh well, no point in abandoning the fleet then. Hold position here,
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and let's see what is facing us...
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There is a tense moment for everyone but Starbuck, who is attempting to
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seduce one of the console technicians while Athena isn't looking. Then the
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colors wash over the fleet, the bridge rocks a little bit, and the screens
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suddenly clear to a whole new star pattern, somehow brighter and fuller. And
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five gazillion alarms all go off at the same time.
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TIGH: Sir! We have a ship dead ahead!
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ATHENA: Make that two ships! One just appeared in our sensor scan!
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STARBUCK: Well, maybe AFTER the crisis we could get together in my cabin for
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a friendly drink or two?
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ADAMA: What are they? Is it Cylons?
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TIGH: Don't know, but they're firing!
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A blast rocks the Galactica's cameras. Those red lights go on that make
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everything ten times harder to see. Smoke drifts in the air, but it's mostly
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coming from Starbuck's flight helmet.
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TIGH: Some sort of pulse energy weapon, sir. Moving at substantially sub-
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light velocity. But it packs quite a wallop.
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ADAMA: What's our damage?
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ATHENA: We seem to have suffered no structural damage, although I don't know
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why. We have reports of minor injuries all over the ship. I have the
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Council of the Twelve on hold on lines three through fourteen.
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ADAMA: What's the other ship doing?
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TIGH: Moving off, it seems. That ship... appears to have a bird painted on
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it. I don't believe these are Cylon vessels.
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ADAMA: No, but whatever they are, they have attacked our fleet. Apollo!
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Starbuck!
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APOLLO: Sir!
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STARBUCK: Look, one drink won't make you lose any control of... uh, what?
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ADAMA: Assemble blue squadron! Get clear of the Galactica, take up defensive
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posture around the fleet, and await my orders!
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APOLLO: Right!
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STARBUCK: Errmm... right!
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ADAMA: Colonel Tigh, open fire on the hostile vessel when ready. Keep spare
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batteries trained on that other ship; we don't know WHAT we've gotten into
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here...
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Of course, the hostile vessel is the Enterprise, whose last shot intended for
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the Romulan Bird of Prey went wild and smacked the Galactica a good one. Also
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of course, Worf will never admit that he did any such thing.
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PICARD: What happened? Did we just fire at that ship?
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WORF: I didn't do anything, sir.
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RIKER: I didn't see anything either. Sensors were all a jumble there for a
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second... where are we, anyway?
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DATA: Attempting to get a fix on the star positions now, sir. So far, nothing
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correlates within a reasonable radius. Increasing the search.
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PICARD: What is that ship?
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DATA: Also unknown, sir.
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RIKER: It could be Romulan. They may be behind this all. Let's blast it.
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PICARD: No, I'd like to know what they're up to.
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WORF: They are firing energy cannons at us, sir.
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PICARD: Okay, now I know. Red alert!
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WESLEY: May I save the ship now?
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PICARD: Permission denied. Sit down and shut up. Don't you have homework to
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do?
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WESLEY: You wouldn't treat me like that if I were older.
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PICARD: You wouldn't whine like that either. Do as you're told. Worf,
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return fire, but aim to damage, not destroy.
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WORF: Damage, as in screaming pain?
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PICARD: Uh... no, damage as in, cannons inoperable.
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WORF: Damn.
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TROI: Captain, I sense a great many beings with conflicting emotions.
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PICARD: Well, there are three ships in a tight area here.
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GEORDI: Four, Captain. Another ship just appeared on the periphery. It
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appears to be a Klingon vessel.
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PICARD: What do you make of that, Worf?
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WORF: I'm busy destroying that ship, sir.
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PICARD: Yes, well, that's the fifth shot you've taken that hasn't made a dent
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in them so knock it off.
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DATA: Actually, apart from heavy shaking, we appear to be undamaged as well.
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RIKER: Data, have you found our location yet?
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DATA: Well, not yet, sir. I am still working on that as well.
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RIKER: Well work on it more, and stop giving us this "undamaged" stuff. We're
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at war here, and I don't want anything distracting us from that.
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WORF: That's a Klingon ship all right, but not a recent design.
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PICARD: How can you tell?
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WORF: It's nowhere near as ugly as the way we make them now. Look, it's
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mostly smooth.
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PICARD: Well, how did it get here?
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GEORDI: How did ANY of us get here?
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WESLEY: When do I get to save the ship?
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EVERYONE: Shut up, Wesley!!
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DATA: Another vessel just appeared on the scanners, sir. Once again, unable
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to identify.
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PICARD: Is there a pattern to these appearances?
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DATA: Yes, sir. So far, no object has appeared inside another.
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RIKER: Find our position yet?
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DATA: Working on it. So far I've ruled out the entire galaxy.
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PICARD: Why is that ship still firing at us?
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GEORDI: Actually, it seems that the large ship with all the cannons is
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shielding a number of smaller ships, all of varying but unfamiliar
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configuration. At least, I don't recognize them. We could ask Data, but it
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looks like Commander Riker would hurt him.
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PICARD: So they may actually be taking a defensive posture?
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WORF: Sir! Klingon honor demands that we not consider such possibilities! We
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must take steps to destroy them!
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PICARD: You tried phasers, you tried photon torpedoes, and I even heard you try
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one or two Klingon curses under your breath; none of these have done a thing.
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What do you suggest?
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WORF: The Romulan ship. We haven't tried blasting them yet.
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PICARD: They haven't fired on us.
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WORF: But they could. We should try this, just to see if this new vessel is
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of Romulan design.
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PICARD: How would we know that?
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WORF: If our shots just bounce off, we know that both ships employ the same
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technology. If the Romulan vessel gets trashed, however, we'll know that it
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was a mistake.
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PICARD: What do you think, Will?
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RIKER: I agree with Worf completely, sir.
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PICARD: Good. We will do no such thing. Geordi, Data, I'd like you two to
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compile as much information as possible on the technology of that vessel
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blasting away at us. What can we learn from them? Worf, I authorize return
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fire on any vessel that fires upon us, but you will break off combat at any
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time that it appears pointless. Deanna, see if you can sort out those
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emotions to specific sources. And Wesley, it's your turn to take out the
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trash.
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RIKER: What's my function?
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PICARD: I've been wondering that since the show started.
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DATA: About our position, sir... I've ruled out every known and extrapolated
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point in the known universe. We are either thoroughly removed from any area
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known to be previously visited by man... or in another universe altogether.
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RIKER: Don't be so Sappish.
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PICARD: Would you care to explain that statement, Mr. Data?
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DATA: I have no explanation. It's merely a sort of foreshadowing, to keep
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this story from bogging down with all these ships that keep popping up.
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GEORDI: Like that last one? It's very small. A comprehensive pattern search
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through the computers suggests that it may in fact be a 1987 Ford Escort.
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DATA: Intriguing. Sensors indicate that a major structural element of that
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vehicle is black sticky tape.
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PICARD: A Ford Escort?
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DATA: Yes sir. An automobile, from the late twentieth century. It is not a
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spacecraft at all. The curious part is, there is a life form on board. How
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anyone could be alive there escapes me.
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PICARD: This is weirder all the time, but I want us to focus on that large
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ship. All this shooting doesn't appear to be hurting us, but our shields
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can't last forever.
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GEORDI: Actually, shields haven't suffered one bit.
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PICARD: Oh. Well... my feet can't take this vibration for much longer. I'm
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not as young as I once was.
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RIKER: Nor have you been for some time.
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PICARD: So get cracking on that report.
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GEORDI: Okay, but should it include that squadron of small fighters which is
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now attacking us as well?
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PICARD: Sure, why not.
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WORF: I can blast them, right?
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PICARD: We can try...
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The new attackers are, of course, Blue Squadron, named after the color the
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pilots would become after sitting in a cold dark spaceship for long patrols.
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But this is a very active mission now. Everyone is blasting away like mad at
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the Enterprise, which continues not to look like it cares overmuch.
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STARBUCK: That ship doesn't look like it cares overmuch that we're blasting
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it!
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APOLLO: Possibly because we have yet to do any perceptible damage. Let's keep
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getting closer. And look alive; just because they're not firing now doesn't
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mean that they won't.
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STARBUCK: Whoops, they just did start. Yow!
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APOLLO: Any damage?
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STARBUCK: Uh... no. But that light beam nailed me good. I thought I was
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maneuvering better than that.
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APOLLO: Maybe their computers are better than our maneuvers. But as long as
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their weapons aren't hurting us...
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EXPENDABLE PILOT: eeeyyyAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHGH!
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STARBUCK: No, no, a battle cry is more triumphant than... oh. Hey Apollo,
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we just lost What's-his-face.
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APOLLO: What happened?
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STARBUCK: They fired one of those torpedo things. I don't think the weapon
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itself did any damage, but the shaking seems to have knocked the ship right
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apart. You know our ships aren't what they used to be.
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ANOTHER EXPENDABLE PILOT: aaauuuhhhhRRRRGGGGGGG!
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APOLLO: I see that. Starbuck, get back with the rest of the pilots and return
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to that defensive formation around the fleet. I'm gonna try something.
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STARBUCK: What are you doing?
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APOLLO: I think they've only got those couple of torpedo launchers, I'm trying
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to get in close where they can't get me and see just how solid that surface
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REALLY is.
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STARBUCK: Sounds risky, pal. Glad it's YOU doing this.
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APOLLO: So far so good, I'm in real close, coming up on the surface-- AaaaHHH!
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STARBUCK: What? What's happening?
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APOLLO: Some sort of shielding, I think! My ship is breaking up on me!
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STARBUCK: Eject! Eject!
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APOLLO: What do you think this is, lower atmosphere? Think!
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STARBUCK: Pray! Pray!
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APOLLO: I think that's about it; my ship is blowing--
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A large explosion which again fails to in any way affect the Enterprise pretty
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well puts an end to that line of thought.
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STARBUCK: Well doesn't that really stink.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Did Apollo really die? Who will win this battle? How many of us really care?
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How many of us are already so annoyed by just this first chapter to jot off
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some quick hate mail right now?
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Direct hate mail to:
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******************************************************************************
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* Internet: marky@draco.ece.cmu.edu * For T-shirts with "Will Riker for *
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* Home address: withheld for the * Janitor," send $25 to... well, never *
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* sake of my life * mind... *
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******************************************************************************
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From rog@draco.ECE.CMU.EDU Wed May 30 12:34:23 1990
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(5.59++/CIS1.1) id AA09627; Wed, 30 May 90 12:34:23 CDT
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Received: by draco.ECE.CMU.EDU (5.54-ECE2/5.17)
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id AA20069; Wed, 30 May 90 13:33:56 EDT
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Date: Wed, 30 May 90 13:33:56 EDT
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From: Roger Brockenbrough <rog@draco.ece.cmu.edu>
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Message-Id: <9005301733.AA20069@draco.ECE.CMU.EDU>
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To: jfy@ksuvax1.cis.ksu.edu
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Status: OR
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GALACTICA vs ENTERPRISE, chapter 2 of 6
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When last we left this sappy tale, the Enterprise, the Galactica and
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miscellaneous other ships had found themselves thrust together via some sort
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of space anomaly thing. In an attack by Blue Squadron on the Enterprise,
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Apollo's Viper got close to the Enterprise but then broke up and exploded.
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Meanwhile, on board the Enterprise...
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WORF: Sir, I've successfully destroyed two of the craft. The rest are turning
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in cowardly flight.
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PICARD: Okay, hold your fire.
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WORF: Sir! You said I need only stop if it seemed pointless. Clearly it is
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not.
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PICARD: They're leaving, Worf. Let them go.
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WORF: Sir, Klingon honor demands that this insult not go unpunished.
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PICARD: Funny how Klingon honor always demands whatever it is you're after.
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WORF: Klingon honor now demands that I ignore that comment.
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PICARD: Good. Cease firing. I'm going down to visit our new guest, and when
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I come back, I want a meeting with my heads of staff.
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Picard hurries down to the transporter room, where several security people are
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keeping a tight, phaser-ready watch on a rather dazed Apollo, who is sitting
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on the transporter disk.
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PICARD: Keep an eye on him. Sir: I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship
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Enterprise.
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APOLLO: You speak my language?
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PICARD: It would appear so. And you are...?
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APOLLO: Captain Apollo, of the Battlestar Galactica. Where am I, and how did
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I get here?
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PICARD: You are on board the starship your vessels were attacking. Further
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details can wait for now.
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APOLLO: Then I am a prisoner?
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PICARD: Or an ambassador to clear up whatever misunderstanding exists between
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our vessels.
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APOLLO: Are you associated with the Cylons?
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PICARD: I am not familiar with that name, although our ship's computers may
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have some record. Someone will be here shortly to collect any information
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you are willing to give us, but for now I need to know why your vessels
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attacked my ship.
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APOLLO: What ship is that?
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PICARD: Why, this vessel. The Enterprise.
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APOLLO: You command this vessel?
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PICARD: Yes. In... our system of rank, "captain" is generally a starship
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commander.
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APOLLO: Oh, I see. Well, I think our question would be why you fired upon
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the Galactica?
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PICARD: We were... engaged in combat with another vessel when both ships
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were engulfed by some form of space-time anomaly, which thrust us here. I
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assume, then, that one of our shots was affected by this event as well.
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APOLLO: You state, then, that you are not responsible for this anomaly?
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PICARD: Correct.
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APOLLO: Great. We were brought here by some sort of similar event, I don't
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understand how it happened.
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PICARD: Obviously we will attempt to find a way to reverse the situation, but
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at the moment our vessels would appear to be at war.
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APOLLO: The other ships which were destroyed... did you somehow capture those
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pilots as well?
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PICARD: No, there was not enough time to react in their cases. Your fighter
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was breaking up slowly enough that we were able to... retrieve you.
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APOLLO: I suppose there's no point in asking how that was accomplished.
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PICARD: At least at this time, no.
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APOLLO: I see. So what happens now?
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PICARD: You'll be taken for a complete physical examination while my officers
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and I decide how to proceed.
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APOLLO: So, you're leaving now?
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PICARD: Yes, that's quite enough plot development for one scene.
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How to proceed is a question on other minds as well. On board the Galactica,
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nobody is quite sure what to do.
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ADAMA: Well, cease fire anyway. It's just using our energy.
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TIGH: I don't understand this situation, sir. Our weapons are useless against
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them, yet their weapons are useless against us. It doesn't seem to make a
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lot of sense.
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ADAMA: And yet we only have sustained losses in the case of a physical impact.
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Colonel Tigh, you should evaluate the possibility of using some sort of
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high-velocity battering ram. Perhaps we could use one of the ships in our
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fleet.
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TIGH: I thought you said high-velocity.
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ADAMA: Relatively speaking, of course.
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TIGH: Sir, "slow crawl" is nowhere near "high velocity."
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ADAMA: Evaluate it anyway.
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TIGH: Righty-ho, good enough for me.
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ADAMA: All right, now... what's this?
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A small child, Boxey, has entered the bridge, accompanied by his pet, Muffit,
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a mechanical creature which moves like a monkey and makes noises like it has
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serious allergy problems.
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BOXEY: You wanted to see me, granddad?
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ADAMA: Don't call me granddad, Boxey.
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BOXEY: Okay by me, you're not all that great a granddad to start with. When's
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the last time you took me to a ball game? When's the last time we just sat
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on a swing and talked? When's the last time we drank lemonade together?
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ADAMA: Boxey, I have something difficult to tell you.
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BOXEY: Yeah?
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ADAMA: Your dad just kicked the bucket.
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BOXEY: Apollo was killed?
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ADAMA: Bought the farm, kid. He's outa here.
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BOXEY: Uh.. listen, I'm a bit upset about that.
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ADAMA: Here, I'll show you on this monitor. This is your dad's viper... and
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here it is, blowing up. I think we can zoom in on that image... yeah, right
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there, that blobby thing? Could be anything, but I'm betting it's your dad's
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major intestine.
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BOXEY: Well, thanks for showing me. So, is the ship in trouble then?
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ADAMA: Yes, well, I believe it may be.
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BOXEY: Ho hum, I may just have to save the ship.
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ADAMA: Is it just me, or does every starship have a spoiled youngster with
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delusions of grandeur?
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TIGH: Excuse me, sir.
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BOXEY: Yes, what is it, Tigh?
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TIGH: The Council of the Twelve is here to get all over your grandfather's
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case.
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ADAMA: Oh, terrific. Send them in.
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A group of nattering idiots enters the bridge, speaking broken Bureaucracy
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Babble. They surround Adama like a squad of grade school playground monitors,
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shaking their fingers and looking randomly cross.
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BUSH: Commander Adama, this time we will not let you ignore us!
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ADAMA: Yes, Councilor Bush. What is it you want?
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BUSH: Er, well, ummm... what was it we wanted again?
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QUAYLE: Control of the bridge, sir.
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BUSH: Yes, right, control of the bridge. You cannot keep ignoring our
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demands--
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QUAYLE: Opinions.
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BUSH: Opinions, yes, that's right, as well as the people's opinions--
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QUAYLE: Demands.
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BUSH: Demands, right, you can't keep ignoring the demanding people.
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ADAMA: And what is it you want me to do, gentlemen?
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BUSH: Uh, well, hmmm yes, what was that again?
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QUAYLE: What is it we want him to do?
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BUSH: Yes, no, the answer, what is our answer?
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QUAYLE: Our unanimous will, sir.
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BUSH: Oh, right. We want you to accept the unanimous will of the Council of
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the Eleven.
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QUAYLE: Twelve.
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BUSH: Twelve. That's what we want. ...Twelve? Are you sure?
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QUAYLE: Yes sir. You're on the Council too.
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BUSH: Oh right.
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ADAMA: I... see. And what is the unanimous will of the Council, if I'm not
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hurrying you along too fast?
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BUSH: Uh... tell him, men!
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COUNCILOR: Blast the big ship!
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COUNCILOR 2: No, blast the little ship!
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COUNCILOR 3: No, no, it was the ship with the bird on it!
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COUNCILOR 4: I liked the motion about raises for the Council myself.
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COUNCILOR 5: Don't blast anything unless it's a Cylon!
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COUNCILOR 6: No, make peace with the Cylons!
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COUNCILOR 7: Forget the Cylons, let's go through that neat color thing again!
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COUNCILOR 8: Fire Adama!
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COUNCILOR 9: Yeah, fire Adama! At one of those ships, maybe.
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COUNCILOR 10: I seconded the motion about raises for the Council.
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BUSH: So, Adama, there you have it. Do you give in to our wishes?
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ADAMA: Which ones?
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QUAYLE: Why, all of them of course.
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ADAMA: Allow me a moment to consult with my staff. Psst, Boxey.
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BOXEY: Yeah, granddad?
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ADAMA: About saving the ship?
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BOXEY: Yes sir?
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ADAMA: Start by siccing Muffit on the Council members.
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BOXEY: You bet!
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The scene of pandemonium immediately following this discussion is best left to
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the reader's imagination.
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Meanwhile, another meeting is taking place on board the Enterprise...
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PICARD: Okay, I'd like to call this meeting to order just as soon as you get
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out of my chair, Will.
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RIKER: I like this chair.
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PICARD: I'm sure you do but it's the Captain's chair.
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RIKER: I'll be captain some day, and then you'll be sorry.
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PICARD: So will your crew. Let's get started. Mr. Data, have you found us
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yet?
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DATA: Since it is our own point of reference being considered, sir, it is not
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we that must be found. Rather, it is our position with respect to what we
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consider home which is the unknown.
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PICARD: Thanks for setting us straight on that one, and what have you found?
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DATA: That we are, for all practical purposes, completely lost. There is no
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point of reference to facilitate our return.
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RIKER: That does it. We have no idea where we are, and it's Data's fault.
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PICARD: Uh-huh. Okay, Will, it's your turn. What did you learn?
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RIKER: Weeeellll... I attempted to abduct the inhabitant of that automobile
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for interrogation.
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PICARD: Why?
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RIKER: He was in the only ship nearby that wasn't shielded.
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PICARD: I see. And?
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RIKER: Well... I missed. I got somebody from an entirely different ship
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instead. It's probably that transporter chief's fault. You know, what's-
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his-name.
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PICARD: Who did you get?
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RIKER: Some strange humanoid alien with two heads and incredibly tacky clothes.
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He said something about being the President of the Galaxy and that our ship
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was pretty hoopy, but I figured we needed more unrelated characters the way
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governments need spending incentives, so I had him identify his ship and sent
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him back to the same coordinates we got him from.
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PICARD: Interesting. Our transporters don't work quite properly here, then?
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GEORDI: Perhaps not, but remember we picked up the occupant of that one small
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attacking ship without difficulty.
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PICARD: Which brings us to another interesting point. What caused that small
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ship to break up? Our guest, Captain Apollo, does not appear to have caused
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its breakup intentionally, yet his ship was still outside the perimeter of
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our shields when it started to go.
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DATA: An interesting possibility, sir, is that we are not actually here in a
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complete sense.
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PICARD: Explain.
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DATA: We may exist in this place only by temporal extension of this ship into
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some other place, and the temporal condition only extends around the ship
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itself. Similarly, the other vessels may be here by similar extensions. It
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would also explain why the occupant of the automobile has not suffocated by
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now. And it would also explain why our weapons do not function properly.
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RIKER: What a stupid theory.
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DATA: Commander Riker, of course, has been with us in nothing more than a
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temporal extension for some time. Additionally, the temporal effect may cause
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a distortion in our transporter coordinates as we get further from the area
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of space which can be considered "ours."
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PICARD: Is there a way back?
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DATA: Unknown. Perhaps the best approach would be to determine whether any
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of the vessels here represent the agency responsible.
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RIKER: I still think it's the Romulans. Let's blast them.
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PICARD: No. Geordi, any way we can communicate with the other vessels?
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GEORDI: It doesn't seem that way.
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WORF: Full torpedo salvos.
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PICARD: I meant, peaceful communications.
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WORF: Oh.
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DATA: Actually, that poses a not unreasonable possibility. Since the shock
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waves did penetrate the temporal barriers, perhaps the best way to communi-
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cate is by sound waves, projected against other ships' barriers.
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PICARD: Can we modulate our phaser banks to be the carrier for such a signal?
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GEORDI: I suppose it's possible.
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WORF: Our weapons, being used for communications? I don't like this.
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PICARD: Deanna, have you come up with anything useful?
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TROI: Not much. There are large numbers of conflicting emotions of all sorts
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around us. I'm still trying to isolate individual groups. The only isolated
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source of emotional energy around us appears to be that automobile, and all I
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sense from there is watchful anticipation.
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PICARD: Hmm. Anything else?
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TROI: Well, growing frustration and impatience for some sort of conclusion by
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the readers, but I don't suppose that counts.
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PICARD: Well... do we want Wesley to save the ship?
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EVERYONE: NO!
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PICARD: Then we don't have a conclusion just yet. Geordi, see if you can form
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some sort of communications with our weapons system. Data, do you think you
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could extrapolate a revised coordinate system for our transporters based upon
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the measured error in Commander Riker's attempt?
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DATA: I can try, sir, but it's certain to be a risky situation. I wouldn't
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recommend sending key personnel on the first several attempts.
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PICARD: Sounds good. Commander Riker, assemble your Away Team.
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RIKER: Hey, wait a minute.
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PICARD: Anything else?
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WORF: Sir, Klingon honor demands that we shoot somebody soon.
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PICARD: You can shoot Whoopi Goldberg if she wanders onto the bridge, how
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about that?
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WORF: Good enough.
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PICARD: Have the Klingon or Romulan vessels done anything?
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GEORDI: Well... a little bit ago, the Klingon ship tried to move up next to
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the Romulan ship, the Romulan ship fired a torpedo at it, and the two ships
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took pot shots at one another for a while. It didn't do them any good
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either, so they quit.
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DATA: It is worth pointing out that the Romulan ship is quite possibly
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within the same temporal extension we are, and the protection we have from
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the large battleship's weapons may not exist with the Romulans.
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RIKER: Great! Let's blast them and find out.
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PICARD: No. Shut up about it, would you? Maintain shields and defensive
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status, and let's see who we can talk to. Worf, no phaser communications
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with the Romulans if you please.
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WORF: Aww.
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PICARD: I have no wish to prematurely cook our goose.
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DATA: Sir, cook our goose? What does the meal service have to do with the
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present situation?
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PICARD: It's another of those old Earth expressions I like to throw in there
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to show that I'm hip, cool, and three and a half centuries out of date. It
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means to be in trouble.
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DATA: Ah, trouble. Danger. Precarious circumstances. Up the creek without
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a paddle. Looking death in the eye. Imminent--
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PICARD: That's enough. Data, I thought you had pretty well gotten over your
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little thesaurus complex.
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DATA: Sorry, sir. I don't know what came over me.
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PICARD: Very well. Let's all get busy, everyone. I'm sure the readers have
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other things to be doing.
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On the Galactica, however, nobody is quite sure what sorts of things to be
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doing. Adama is taking a nap --wait, excuse me: resting his eyes-- when
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Colonel Tigh interrupts with news.
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TIGH: Sir, wake up!
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ADAMA: ZZzzz grrphtthk, wha? Hrrrmpphhh, gag, yes, Colonel? I AM awake.
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TIGH: Of course, sir.
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ADAMA: So what do you want?
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TIGH: The large vessel has directed an energy beam weapon at us again.
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ADAMA: Doing any more than last time?
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TIGH: No sir. Less. The beam is steady and at a lower power. I'm not sure
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what they're trying to do.
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ADAMA: Well, that's very odd...
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PICARD: Attention, battleship.
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TIGH: Huh?
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ADAMA: Who said that?
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TIGH: It sounds like it's coming from outside the ship! How can that be?
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PICARD: Attention, battleship. This is the Federation Starship USS Enterprise.
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We would like to establish peaceful communications.
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TIGH: This is interesting, sir. They appear to be using the energy beam as
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a communications carrier.
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ADAMA: Could it be that the firing before was simply a communications attempt?
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TIGH: No, not unless they were trying to project heavy metal music, sir.
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PICARD: Attention, battleship. This is the Federation Starship USS Enterprise.
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We would like to establish peaceful communications.
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ADAMA: Can we respond?
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TIGH: Not immediately. I think we can refit one of our cannons for this
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purpose, though.
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ADAMA: Well, let's do it. I have a thing or two to say to those people!
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PICARD: Attention, battleship. This is the Federation Starship USS Enterprise.
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We would like to establish peaceful communications.
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ADAMA: All RIGHT already, we heard you!
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TIGH: They've shut off the energy beam.
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ADAMA: Thank goodness. I was afraid they'd put on some Muzak or something.
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TIGH: I've put some of our best minds on modifying a laser cannon.
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ADAMA: How long do you think?
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TIGH: A few minutes at least. First they have to make it stop shooting those
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little colored pulses and making "kerZAP" sounds.
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ADAMA: Harrumph. We paid a lot for those special effects. Well, Universal
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did, close enough.
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TIGH: Uh, yes sir, whatever you say, sir.
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ADAMA: Well... hey look at that!
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TIGH: What?
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ADAMA: On the screen!
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TIGH: Sir, there's about fifteen gazillion screens here. Are you pointing to
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any screen in particular?
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ADAMA: The one with the ship with graffiti all over it.
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TIGH: Actually, I think they painted that bird there on purpose.
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ADAMA: Well, anyway it's shooting a beam just like that other one, what was it
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called?
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TIGH: The USS Enterprise?
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ADAMA: Yeah. Maybe the bird people want to talk to us now.
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ROMULAN COMMANDER: Attention, battleship.
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ADAMA: Oh, not again.
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ROMULAN COMMANDER: This is the Romulan Bird of Prey Garg'zunthicht.
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TIGH: Bird of Prey?
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ADAMA: Garg'zunthicht? Sounds like a German just sneezed. What kind of a
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name is that?
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ROMULAN COMMANDER: You're probably wondering what kind of name Garg'zunthicht
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is.
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ADAMA: As a matter of fact...
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ROMULAN COMMANDER: Well, it's not a very good name. In fact, it stinks. It
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doesn't even sound Romulan!
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ADAMA: Then why do they use it?
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ROMULAN COMMANDER: But we use it because it was my mother's name, so anyone
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who makes fun of it, we'll just have to destroy on the spot, immediately and
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EXTREMELY painfully.
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ADAMA: Make a note of that, Tigh. No making fun of the Romulan Bird of Prey
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Garg'zunthicht.
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TIGH: Noted, sir.
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ROMULAN COMMANDER: We also desire communications, we just thought we should
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warn you while you make your preparations that any Garg'zunthicht jokes will
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NOT be tolerated thank you very much. Please respond, and reply to us FIRST.
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Do not attempt to contact the Federation vessel Enterprise.
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ADAMA: Why not?
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ROMULAN COMMANDER: You're probably wondering, why not?
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ADAMA: All right, I'm not feeding this guy any more lines.
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TIGH: We'd all appreciate that, sir.
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ROMULAN COMMANDER: Well, I'll tell you why not. They are your enemies, they
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attacked without provocation, they are holding one of your pilots, and their
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ship is fairly tacky looking when you get right down to it. You fired back
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at them, which makes you allies of the glorious Romulan empire! Your fight
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is our fight! Your enemies are our enemies!
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ADAMA: Hmm, this could be helpful against the Cylons. These guys seem pretty
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extreme.
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TIGH: Well, the bird on their ship suggests nature lovers. You know how
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radical conservationists can get.
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ROMULAN COMMANDER: So we'll be allies, and destroy the Federation attacker,
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and maybe get together some time so our industrial spies can check out that
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technology you've got there. Maybe some social time too.
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ADAMA: Interesting.
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ROMULAN COMMANDER: Reply when you get a chance, but remember: not to the
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Federation vessel. 'Bye!
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TIGH: Sir, the message beam is gone.
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ADAMA: Well, what do you make of all this?
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TIGH: It seems we've stumbled into somebody else's feud.
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ADAMA: But if one of these parties can offer aid against the Cylons...
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TIGH: If either of these parties can be bothered to drop their own battle.
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It may turn out that we have nothing to gain, and much to lose, from an
|
|
association with either of them.
|
|
ADAMA: Perhaps we should ask the Council of the Twelve.
|
|
TIGH: Sir???
|
|
ADAMA: That was a JOKE, Tigh. Lighten up, will you?
|
|
TIGH: Sorry.
|
|
ADAMA: Is it safe to assume that the cannon modifications should be done soon?
|
|
TIGH: Yes sir.
|
|
ADAMA: So the question becomes: who do we reply to, the Enterprise or the
|
|
Garg'zunthee... gargle'zunthick... grag'zoothich... Tigh?
|
|
TIGH: Something like that, sir.
|
|
ADAMA: Quick, replay their conversation. We don't dare call back if we can't
|
|
pronounce his mother's name.
|
|
TIGH: I would also like to listen to the conversation again. Did the Romulan
|
|
say something about the Federation ship holding one of our pilots?
|
|
ADAMA: Well, yes, but that can't be... can it?
|
|
TIGH: I don't know, but it bears further examination. It may be that Captain
|
|
Apollo or one of the others escaped destruction.
|
|
ADAMA: In which case the question becomes: as an act of mercy, or as a prison-
|
|
er of war?
|
|
TIGH: I do not know... but the fact that the Federation ship did not mention
|
|
one of our pilots does not speak well of the situation.
|
|
ADAMA: Or it is all a trick to make us distrust that ship? I do not know,
|
|
Tigh. The Cylons must be on our tail somewhere, and yet we must tread very
|
|
lightly here.
|
|
TIGH: Not really, sir. This deck is fairly solid.
|
|
ADAMA: That's not what I meant. Pay attention!
|
|
TIGH: That was a JOKE, Commander. Lighten up, will you?
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Who will the Galactica side with? What will be the outcome? Will Adama or
|
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Tigh ever lighten up? Will the author ever get serious?
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|
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Check the next installment for more of this nonsense...
|
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******************************************************************************
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* Internet: marky@draco.ece.cmu.edu * Support the rec.arts.startrek.creative *
|
|
* Outernet: cmu@earth.sol.milky_way * bboard concept! Keep idiots like me *
|
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* * off the rec.arts.startrek board! *
|
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******************************************************************************
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From rog@draco.ECE.CMU.EDU Wed May 30 12:35:04 1990
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Received: from DRACO.ECE.CMU.EDU by ksuvax1.cis.ksu.edu (SMTP)
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(5.59++/CIS1.1) id AA09654; Wed, 30 May 90 12:35:04 CDT
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Received: by draco.ECE.CMU.EDU (5.54-ECE2/5.17)
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id AA20077; Wed, 30 May 90 13:34:35 EDT
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Date: Wed, 30 May 90 13:34:35 EDT
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From: Roger Brockenbrough <rog@draco.ece.cmu.edu>
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Message-Id: <9005301734.AA20077@draco.ECE.CMU.EDU>
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To: jfy@ksuvax1.cis.ksu.edu
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Status: OR
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GALACTICA vs ENTERPRISE, chapter 4 of 6
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The story at this moment: due to bizarre applications of poorly understood
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physics principles vaguely remembered by this author, the Enterprise, in two
|
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pieces, and a Romulan vessel are hurtling toward each other. At the last
|
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minute, Wesley's save-the-ship plan is implemented to avoid certain death.
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|
There is an incredible crashing, the very stars seem to shake, and people are
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knocked all over the place. And this is just on the Galaga^H^Hctica. On board
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|
the Enterprise, in the secondary hull, it feels like the entire ship has just
|
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been fed through a food processor.
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Things stop shaking, the normal lights start to come back on, and people pick
|
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themselves up again, very slowly.
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PICARD: So, we survived.
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DATA: So it would appear.
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PICARD: Damage report?
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RIKER: We could save some time by asking for a report on things that still
|
|
work.
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WORF: Not so. Most of our systems are operational. It's just the crew that
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took a beating.
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GEORDI: Sir? Sensor readings are different outside now.
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DATA: It would appear we did indeed break the temporal barrier.
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|
PICARD: How is the primary hull?
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GEORDI: Drifting not far away.
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PICARD: What about the Romulan ship? Are they still after us?
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GEORDI: Checking... sir, the Romulan ship appears to have sustained heavy
|
|
structural damage to the rear. A large part of their drive system is knocked
|
|
in, and their power is way down!
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|
PICARD: How did that happen?
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|
WORF: Umm, er...
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|
PICARD: Worf?
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WORF: I jettisoned some large, heavy cargo pods just before our maneuver.
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Since they didn't warp away like we did, they struck the Romulan dead-on.
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PICARD: Excellent work, Worf.
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|
WORF: You approve??
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PICARD: Just this once.
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WORF: Gee. So that's what it feels like.
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GEORDI: Captain! The Romulans are firing torpedoes at us!
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WORF: Hmm, that wouldn't be so bad if our shields weren't dead.
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PICARD: So we're going to die anyway?
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The Enterprise shudders a little bit.
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GEORDI: They got us.
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PICARD: A direct hit on no shields, and we just shuddered a little bit?
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DATA: Interesting. We appear to now be in a SEPARATE temporal boundary from
|
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the Romulan vessel. How convenient for us.
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PICARD: This is too weird. Can anybody destroy us at the moment?
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DATA: It seems unlikely.
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PICARD: Fine. Let's get damage control parties going, let's link up our two
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hulls again and get that idiot Vader off the bridge, and let's get those
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|
drinks served I was talking about. If anybody can see straight afterwards
|
|
we'll have another meeting of the heads of staff.
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RIKER: I like this plan.
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|
|
On board the Battleaxe Galactica, meanwhile, pieces of the puzzle, formerly
|
|
theorized only by Data, but now required to be understood by the Galactica
|
|
bridge crew in order for the plot to progress in a direction remotely approach-
|
|
ing forward, begin to be understood.
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ADAMA: I don't know what sort of battle the Federation and Romulan ships are
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|
used to, but it looks suspiciously like playing Chicken.
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|
TIGH: Commander, sir. Mr. Wizard to speak with you.
|
|
ADAMA: Oh, yes? Send him in.
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|
MR. WIZARD: Hello, Commander. I have some theories to share with you for the
|
|
purpose of advancing the plot.
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|
ADAMA: Very good. Er... who are you again?
|
|
MR. WIZARD: I'm the guy who synchronized all two trillion CRTs on this bridge
|
|
to flicker in sync.
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|
ADAMA: Ah, another genius. Tell me, can you do something about Muffit? He
|
|
keeps leaving cyber-droppings in the halls, see, and--
|
|
MR. WIZARD: That's a different wizard. Shut up and pay attention.
|
|
ADAMA: Sorry.
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|
MR. WIZARD: Our ships here are surrounded by temporal extensions of our own
|
|
place in the universe into this place. The alien ships were not playing
|
|
Chicken; their attempts to stretch the temporal boundaries too far caused
|
|
them to be hurled back together, and may indeed have shattered the temporal
|
|
boundaries surrounding their ships.
|
|
ADAMA: Why, thank you.
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|
MR. WIZARD: Not at all.
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|
ADAMA: Guards, take this man off the bridge and throw him in a small room with
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|
Boxey until he talks straight.
|
|
MR. WIZARD: No, wait! This is plot! You need this! Aaaaaaaahhhhh.....
|
|
ADAMA: That's rid of him. Tigh, what do we do now?
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|
TIGH: No idea, sir.
|
|
ADAMA: Okay. Let's talk to the Romulans. Rig the cannon for communications.
|
|
TIGH: Got it.
|
|
ADAMA: Attention, Romulan vessel Garg'zunthicht. Please respond.
|
|
ROMULAN COMMANDER: (gag, ack) This is the Garg'zunthicht. Whaddya want?
|
|
ADAMA: You appear to have had your ship's butt royally kicked. Do you require
|
|
assistance?
|
|
ROMULAN COMMANDER: No, no, that's fine. We're all fine here. No real damage.
|
|
ADAMA: Yeah, well on our sensors your engines are trashed and your power
|
|
readings are fading. Boy did you guys get slammed.
|
|
ROMULAN COMMANDER: No, really, everything's fine. We're just conserving our
|
|
strength.
|
|
ADAMA: Yeah, sure looks like you'll need all the strength you can conserve
|
|
just to get that bucket moved.
|
|
ROMULAN COMMANDER: Really. Nothing wrong here.
|
|
ADAMA: I understand, you must be used to having the back half of your ship
|
|
reduced to compost.
|
|
ROMULAN COMMANDER: All RIGHT already! We suffered SOME damage. That cursed
|
|
Federation ship. We'll blow them away momentarily.
|
|
ADAMA: Like, when you get one of your weapons rebuilt?
|
|
ROMULAN COMMANDER: If I could get my hands on you... er, listen, ally: why
|
|
don't you shoot at the Enterprise some for a while, just for grins?
|
|
ADAMA: Righty ho, good enough for me. Tigh, fire something at the Enterprise.
|
|
TIGH: For all the good it'll do... Firing. ...Commander!
|
|
ADAMA: What?
|
|
TIGH: Look! We did damage that time! We blasted a nice hole in part of the
|
|
round saucer!
|
|
ADAMA: Our weapons are working now!
|
|
ROMULAN COMMANDER: Wonderful! Wonderful! Shoot again!
|
|
ADAMA: Listen, we can probably figure THAT out on our own.
|
|
ROMULAN COMMANDER: Well, don't talk! Blast them! Destroy the Earth ship!
|
|
ADAMA: Right! Tigh, prepare to THE EARTH SHIP???!!!
|
|
ROMULAN COMMANDER: Er, hello?
|
|
ADAMA: Did you say, Earth ship??
|
|
ROMULAN COMMANDER: Uh... yes. I did say that. Why?
|
|
ADAMA: We're related to them! That's our colony! We've been looking for them
|
|
for yahrens! They're our friends! --YIKES, what's happening?
|
|
TIGH: Sir, our new-found friends just put a torpedo in one of our launch bays.
|
|
Shields were only partially effective; I think we'll be needing new paint in
|
|
that section.
|
|
ADAMA: Wait! They're FAMILY! Why are they shooting at us?
|
|
TIGH: Because we've been shooting at them since we met? That's just a guess.
|
|
ADAMA: Well, let's explain things! Aim that communications cannon their way.
|
|
TIGH: Yes sir. ...uh, maybe that wasn't a good idea. We're melting their
|
|
hull now.
|
|
ADAMA: Whoops. Turn it off.
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|
TIGH: Yes, sir. Enterprise firing again. ...well, so much for THAT shield.
|
|
ADAMA: We've got to let them know we're friendly!
|
|
TIGH: You mean, before we let them blow us out of the sky.
|
|
ADAMA: Right! Oh. What can we do to communicate?
|
|
TIGH: Shoot at the Romulans?
|
|
ADAMA: Right! Good thinking! Open fire on them!
|
|
TIGH: Firing. Sir, our weapons don't appear to be affecting them, though.
|
|
ADAMA: Doesn't matter! Keep firing! Launch our fighters, away from the
|
|
Enterprise, and have the rest of the fleet pull back. If the Enterprise
|
|
doesn't realize we're changing alliances, we're probably cooked.
|
|
TIGH: Sir, the Council of the Twelve is on the line, requesting access to the
|
|
escape pods.
|
|
ADAMA: Do you think we can trick them into the torpedo tubes instead?
|
|
TIGH: Doubtful. They caught on last time we tried that.
|
|
ADAMA: Well, then respectfully tell them they can get fried with the rest of
|
|
us. Do you think the Enterprise is catching on yet?
|
|
TIGH: I don't know. I imagine they're probably pretty confused right now.
|
|
|
|
PICARD: I must say, I'm pretty confused right now. What do you suppose is
|
|
happening?
|
|
WORF: I don't know, sir, but they must realize they could destroy us while our
|
|
shields are ineffective. They certainly put a hole in the primary hull.
|
|
RIKER: Let's blast them. We know we're hurting THEM, now.
|
|
DATA: Interesting. Apparently our ships burst out of OUR temporal boundary
|
|
and into THEIRS.
|
|
GEORDI: I wouldn't suggest provoking them to attack us again, sir. Not while
|
|
our shields are still a mess and we haven't regained the primary hull.
|
|
TROI: Captain, I sense a great deal of tension on the Galaga.
|
|
PICARD: Galactica.
|
|
TROI: Whatever. It seems like they have suddenly realized some mistake, and
|
|
are hoping to make up for it.
|
|
PICARD: Recommendations?
|
|
TROI: Seek some sort of peaceful contact with the Galactica.
|
|
PICARD: Galaga.
|
|
TROI: Whatever.
|
|
PICARD: Well, all fine and good. But what about our primary hull?
|
|
|
|
An excellent question which deserves an answering scene...
|
|
|
|
VADER: Why is that OTHER ship firing at me? Why doesn't anybody like me?
|
|
APOLLO: Because your outfit is UGLY.
|
|
VADER: What--? Who are you?
|
|
APOLLO: Captain Apollo of the Battlestar Galactica.
|
|
VADER: Well, what do you want?
|
|
APOLLO: To know what's going on. Who are you?
|
|
VADER: I command this vessel.
|
|
APOLLO: What happened to Captain Picard?
|
|
VADER: Uh... he's on the other half, over there.
|
|
APOLLO: You're part of his crew?
|
|
VADER: Uh, no... listen, why am I answering your questions? Who do you think
|
|
you are?
|
|
APOLLO: The man who's relieving you of command.
|
|
VADER: What??
|
|
APOLLO: The men lying all around the deck here are wearing the same uniform as
|
|
Picard. So you've taken this vessel by force. I'm taking it back. See this
|
|
blaster in my hand?
|
|
VADER: You fool, don't you know your weapons are useless against the power of
|
|
the Force? Here, feel the grip of power...
|
|
APOLLO: No thanks, I'll stay right here.
|
|
VADER: Wha--? You're not choking.
|
|
APOLLO: I'm not in a choking mood.
|
|
VADER: Well, here! How about this-- the light saber!
|
|
APOLLO: How about this-- the Colonial blaster!
|
|
--Zap--
|
|
VADER: You sizzled my light saber!
|
|
APOLLO: Whatever powers you possessed, big and ugly, they've gone away now.
|
|
Let's take a little walk over here.
|
|
VADER: What's over here?
|
|
APOLLO: The broom closet. Get in.
|
|
VADER: You need me, Apollo. You'll never figure out the controls of this
|
|
ship without experienced help.
|
|
APOLLO: No, I'm betting the computers have context-sensitive help. Get in
|
|
there.
|
|
VADER: All right all right. I'm in. But I'll be back out.
|
|
APOLLO: I'm sure that's true. Sooner or later, we'll need a broom.
|
|
|
|
GEORDI: Captain Picard! A message from the primary hull!
|
|
PICARD: Very well. Picard here.
|
|
APOLLO: Captain Picard, this is Captain Apollo.
|
|
PICARD: Huh? What are you doing on?
|
|
APOLLO: I've imprisoned the big ugly guy in the broom closet. All the shaking
|
|
this vessel has received, plus the big explosion we experienced, broke one
|
|
of the walls out in my cell, so I went to the bridge and saw that the ship
|
|
had been commandeered.
|
|
PICARD: Excellent, excellent. Let's hook these two hulls back together and
|
|
see what's happening.
|
|
APOLLO: Not so quickly, Captain. Is your vessel at war with mine?
|
|
PICARD: Uh... I'll be frank.
|
|
APOLLO: Please.
|
|
PICARD: We're not sure. We were exchanging shots, but now they've started
|
|
firing upon the Romulans, our enemy.
|
|
APOLLO: I see. What do you plan to do?
|
|
PICARD: I don't know. What would you suggest?
|
|
APOLLO: Talking to the Galactica, sir. See what is really happening here.
|
|
PICARD: We don't appear to have any further mode of communications in common,
|
|
though.
|
|
APOLLO: So send people over to talk to them. You DO have shuttle craft of
|
|
some sort, I assume?
|
|
PICARD: Yes...
|
|
APOLLO: So, if I agree to help join your ship back together, will YOU agree
|
|
to include me on the shuttle that goes to meet them?
|
|
PICARD: Very well, Captain. Turn your bridge computers over to ours.
|
|
APOLLO: All right, computers switched over... now.
|
|
WORF: Captain! Now's our chance! We can make the primary hull's computer do
|
|
anything we want!
|
|
PICARD: Worf, why wouldn't we just do what we said we'd do?
|
|
WORF: Uh... hmm, I hadn't thought of that, sir.
|
|
|
|
TIGH: Commander Adama, there's a shuttle of some sort approaching from the
|
|
Enterprise.
|
|
ADAMA: Train a cannon on it but don't fire. Let's see what they do. Could
|
|
it be a weapon?
|
|
TIGH: How should I know, sir?
|
|
ADAMA: Don't get smart with me, mister. I'm allowed to ask asinine questions,
|
|
I'm the commander here.
|
|
TIGH: Yes, sir. The shuttle is slowing down. They've stopped, sir. Holding
|
|
position about halfway between us and the Enterprise.
|
|
ADAMA: Let's send a shuttle of our own. Have Lieutenant Starbuck and some of
|
|
his fellow lunatics go meet them.
|
|
TIGH: Right. Uh, Commander, I'm sure the Council of the Twelve would like to
|
|
be represented as well.
|
|
ADAMA: You're right. Have Starbuck and the others slip out quietly before the
|
|
Council knows what's happening.
|
|
TIGH: My thoughts exactly.
|
|
|
|
The two shuttles meet in space. They connect. They discover that their
|
|
docking bays are incompatible. Several hours and several new shuttles later,
|
|
they get it to work.
|
|
It is for reasons like this that we don't mix stuff from different shows
|
|
more often. There's just too much incompatible technology.
|
|
|
|
STARBUCK: Apollo! You're alive!
|
|
APOLLO: Starbuck! You're right!
|
|
STARBUCK: Well, wait a centon; I THINK you're alive. You seem to be alive,
|
|
but I've had some interesting experiences before when drinking that stuff in
|
|
the rec room. Are you really alive?
|
|
APOLLO: (sigh) Yes.
|
|
RIKER: So, you two know each other?
|
|
STARBUCK: Who's this feeb?
|
|
APOLLO: He's Commander Riker, second in command of the Enterprise.
|
|
STARBUCK: Oh, so he's important, then?
|
|
APOLLO: I can't tell. I got the impression that Captain Picard just wanted him
|
|
off the bridge for a while.
|
|
RIKER: Hey, that's not nice. ...True, maybe, but definitely not nice.
|
|
APOLLO: Well, anyway, this is a momentous meeting between two groups of humans,
|
|
etc. etc. Now what?
|
|
RIKER: Uh, now your fleet surrenders all its forces to our ship, and we all go
|
|
home.
|
|
STARBUCK: He's from Earth, did I get that right?
|
|
APOLLO: Yeah.
|
|
STARBUCK: We've been looking for that colony all this time, and they're all
|
|
nincompoops?
|
|
APOLLO: Well, perhaps. But so are we.
|
|
STARBUCK: Good point. Look, Commander Riker, get a clue. We're not surrender-
|
|
ing our forces to you or anybody. Especially when your ship is defenseless
|
|
to ours.
|
|
RIKER: Your ship isn't doing so hot against us right now, either.
|
|
STARBUCK: We could still kick your butts.
|
|
RIKER: Could not.
|
|
STARBUCK: Could too.
|
|
RIKER: Could not, could not, could not. Nyaah, nyaah.
|
|
APOLLO: Wait. Gentlemen, I hate to interrupt this witty dialog, but we're not
|
|
here to resume hostilities, but to clear them up.
|
|
PICARD: He's right.
|
|
RIKER: AAAAGHHHH! Who said that?
|
|
PICARD: I did, Will. I left your communicator active so I could hear what's
|
|
going on. Obviously Captain Apollo has more sense in one foot than you've
|
|
ever had in your entire life.
|
|
RIKER: Huh? What's so great about his foot?
|
|
PICARD: Never mind. Do you remember what it was you were SUPPOSED to do in
|
|
this meeting?
|
|
RIKER: Uh... blow up their shuttle?
|
|
PICARD: Wrong.
|
|
RIKER: Hold them captives?
|
|
PICARD: Three strikes and you're out a rank, mister.
|
|
DATA: Three strikes, sir?
|
|
PICARD: Data, stay off this channel. Especially if you're going to start
|
|
playing word associations again.
|
|
RIKER: I... was supposed to welcome the visitors back to the Enterprise for
|
|
some friendly discussion.
|
|
PICARD: See, I knew you could do it.
|
|
APOLLO: There, finally. Starbuck, what do you say?
|
|
STARBUCK: I don't know. Friendly discussion, did they say?
|
|
PICARD: Well, that and drinks.
|
|
STARBUCK: Ah! Drinks! That changes things. Sure, we'll come.
|
|
PICARD: Good. Stand by to beam aboard.
|
|
STARBUCK: Stand by to what?
|
|
|
|
hmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
|
|
|
|
STARBUCK: What happened? Where are we? Where are the drinks?
|
|
APOLLO: We're back on the Enterprise. This is how I got here in the first
|
|
place.
|
|
STARBUCK: Wow. Weird. Too bad about those shuttles.
|
|
RIKER: What do you mean?
|
|
STARBUCK: Since we didn't know if you guys would be friendly, we rigged our
|
|
shuttle to explode if anything weird were to happen to me, or to any of these
|
|
other officers here without speaking parts.
|
|
RIKER: What kind of weird?
|
|
STARBUCK: I'm not sure exactly what the parameters were, but I'd say getting
|
|
yanked away in a swirl of rainbow colors would qualify.
|
|
RIKER: Riker to bridge. What's going on?
|
|
PICARD: The shuttles just exploded. Wait, the Galactica is firing at us
|
|
again--
|
|
|
|
CCRRRUMMPP!
|
|
|
|
RIKER: This time isn't my fault!
|
|
PICARD: Shut up, Will. Worf, do NOT return fire!
|
|
RIKER: I just want everybody to understand that this time is not my fault.
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PICARD: Bring your guests up to the bridge, and hurry!
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RIKER: We're on our way. Come on, you guys.
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STARBUCK: Are we prisoners here, or what?
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RIKER: How should I know? Just get moving!
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Is the situation Riker's fault? Will he be blamed anyway? Does anybody out
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there like Riker's character? These and other questions will still be
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unanswered at the end of the next installment.
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******************************************************************************
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* Internet: marky@draco.ece.cmu.edu * You think YOU need a life? Check out *
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* Planet of origin: debatable * the author of THIS story... *
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******************************************************************************
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^
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No argument there, Marky boy.
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From rog@draco.ECE.CMU.EDU Wed May 30 12:34:44 1990
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Received: from DRACO.ECE.CMU.EDU by ksuvax1.cis.ksu.edu (SMTP)
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(5.59++/CIS1.1) id AA09637; Wed, 30 May 90 12:34:44 CDT
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Received: by draco.ECE.CMU.EDU (5.54-ECE2/5.17)
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id AA20073; Wed, 30 May 90 13:34:15 EDT
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Date: Wed, 30 May 90 13:34:15 EDT
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From: Roger Brockenbrough <rog@draco.ece.cmu.edu>
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Message-Id: <9005301734.AA20073@draco.ECE.CMU.EDU>
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To: jfy@ksuvax1.cis.ksu.edu
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Status: OR
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ENTERPRISE vs GALACTICA, chapter 3 of 6
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For no apparent reason, some of you are still reading this story. OK... the
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Enterprise and the Romulans have each contacted the Galactica in an effort to
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make mutually exclusive friends. On board the Galactica, people are confused.
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On board the Enterprise, there is also much to keep people's interest.
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RIKER: Those copy cats! Those copy cats!
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PICARD: What are you ranting about?
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RIKER: They stole our idea!
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PICARD: Who stole which?
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RIKER: The Romulans! They saw us communicating on a phaser beam, and they
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did the same thing.
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PICARD: Do we know what they said?
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GEORDI: Negative. I tried to measure the vibrations with our ship's sensors
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but they couldn't pick up the actual signals.
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PICARD: Well, what good are they?
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WESLEY: If you won't let me save the ship, at least let me rewire the sensor
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banks to interpret future transmissions.
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PICARD: Will you stop your whining?
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WESLEY: I wasn't... uh, yes sir.
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PICARD: Good. Get to it. Counselor Troi, what do you think the Romulans
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are up to?
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TROI: I sense meanness... scheming evil intended for the enemy vessel...
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RIKER: Well there you go. Let's blast them.
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TROI: And that's just from Will here.
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RIKER: Er, what??
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TROI: But the Romulans are up to something. I can sense that, Captain. That
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and embarrassment about the ship's name.
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PICARD: Great. Any other good news, anyone?
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GEORDI: Another vessel incoming.
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PICARD: Ah. What now?
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GEORDI: Another small one. It seems to be tumbling out of control.
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PICARD: Can we ignore it?
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GEORDI: Only if we move quickly. It's going to hit us.
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PICARD: Worf!
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WORF: Weapons ready sir!
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PICARD: No no NO. Tractor beams. Stop that sucker.
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WORF: Oh all RIGHT, if it'll make you wimps happy. Gotcha! I stopped it.
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DATA: With a deceleration in excess of forty Gs.
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GEORDI: Well, scratch that pilot.
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DATA: Not exactly scratch. More like splatter. Or puree.
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PICARD: Once again, Mr. Data, you are babbling at the mouth.
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DATA: Babbling. Running on. Talking excessively and to no purpose.
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PICARD: Would you kindly shut up.
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DATA: Shut up. Silence. Cease talking. Be quiet. Clam up. Shut your trap.
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Seal it-- mmhmmmhhmmm. mmm hmmmm mmm. hmmmhmmmmmmhhmm... Oh. Who put
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that bucket over my head?
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GEORDI: Actually it looks like that pilot survived. Sensors indicate life.
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WORF: Well, I tried.
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PICARD: What can you tell us about this latest ship?
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GEORDI: Small single-person vessel, not long range for sure. It seems to
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operate on ion engines, but I gather those panels on the side are for some
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sort of recharging or shielding. A fighter, I'd say, but no configuration
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I ever saw before. Also damaged; one of the panels is damaged and there
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appears to be structural damage to one of the engine mounts. Power readings
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are pretty weak, too, but I don't know what's normal for this craft.
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PICARD: Can we do a rescue? Pull it into the shuttle bay?
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GEORDI: Sure thing, Captain.
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PICARD: Do that. Worf, don't touch the tractor beam controls ever again.
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WORF: Klingon honor demands that I defend myself.
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PICARD: Well, do it in writing. This story is too long to add more dialog.
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Where were we?
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RIKER: Worrying about the Romulans.
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PICARD: Oh yes. I suppose you think we should blast them.
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RIKER: Yes sir!
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PICARD: How about, instead of that, you take an Away Team on board their
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vessel and sabotage their weapons systems!
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RIKER: Uh, yeah, but their shields are up. If I try to transport through
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their shields I'll arrive in a consistency like tapioca pudding.
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PICARD: Drat, I didn't think you knew that.
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GEORDI: The small vessel is docked in our hangar bay.
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PICARD: That's good, I guess. Uh, what about the large ship? Have they tried
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to talk back to us?
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GEORDI: Not yet, sir. I imagine they're probably modifying one of their
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cannons for the task.
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PICARD: How long would that take?
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GEORDI: Hard to say. First they'd have to deactivate the circuit that makes
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the "kerZAP" sounds. That's always a tricky one.
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PICARD: I see. Well, I suppose I should go down and meet our newest guest,
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or whatever is left of him.
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WORF: Wait, sir. Look!
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PICARD: Uh oh. The battleship is talking... but not to us. To the Romulans.
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RIKER: Well there you go. Let's blast them both.
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PICARD: I'm getting really sick of hearing that.
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RIKER: Well, then give in.
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PICARD: I have another idea.
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RIKER: I won't like it.
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PICARD: That's the point. I think we should separate the hulls, and send the
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|
primary hull away from the area, since things are looking precarious.
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RIKER: So we're getting ready to fight?
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PICARD: Maybe. Oh, and Will? By the way, I'd like YOU to command the primary
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|
hull in going away.
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RIKER: What??!! Aww, MAN!
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PICARD: Just do it, before I do something which I probably wouldn't regret.
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Meanwhile, the Galactica's bridge crew (Adama, Tigh, and two dozen people who
|
|
never get any better speaking parts then "Section Twelve, Launch Bay Alpha,
|
|
stand by to launch viper probe," truly a boring sort of bit part don't you
|
|
think?) is also considering action they may regret.
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ADAMA: I don't know, Tigh. It's an action we might regret.
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TIGH: That's why you're the Commander and not me. Somebody has to take the
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|
felgercarb, and frankly I don't want it.
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ADAMA: Thanks all the same.
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TIGH: Well, what are you going to do? Throw in with the Romulans?
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ADAMA: We have to ask what the Romulans want, though. We've already shown
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|
that our weapons don't have any affect on the Enterprise. So what sort of
|
|
allies would we be to them?
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TIGH: It's another good question.
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ADAMA: Maybe we should contact the Enterprise and see what they have to say.
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TIGH: The Romulans said that if they see us do that, they'll destroy us.
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ADAMA: Which they may or may not have the means to do.
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TIGH: Right.
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ADAMA: Wait. What if the Romulans don't know we talk to them?
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TIGH: How could we do that?
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ADAMA: We already took out the part of the cannon that makes the "kerZAP"
|
|
sounds. All we'd have to do is ALSO take out the part that makes the pretty
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|
bright light.
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TIGH: Sir, you're a genius.
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ADAMA: You mean that'll work?
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TIGH: I think so, yes.
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ADAMA: Gosh. I mean, yes, of course, I knew it all along. Colonel, see to
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|
this.
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TIGH: Right. Giving the orders... okay.
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ADAMA: How come you never talk to anyone to do that?
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TIGH: I don't have to. I just set the engine room telegraph to "Engines Stop;
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|
Make Laser Cannon Colorless" and somebody will take care of it.
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ADAMA: Gosh, isn't high tech neat?
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|
TIGH: The question is, what can we ask the Enterprise to find out their true
|
|
nature?
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|
ADAMA: Hmmm... ask them about our pilot. See what they tell us.
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|
TIGH: There's a thought. Okay, the engine room is showing "Laser Cannon Now
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|
Colorless." Let's give this a try, sir...
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|
Meanwhile, on board the Enterprise, Picard has made his way to the shuttle
|
|
bay while the rest of the bridge crew switches to the battle bridge in the
|
|
starship's secondary hull. The pilot of the damaged fighter ship has gotten
|
|
out, and a strange looking figure this is...
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PICARD: Good heavens, what sort of being is this?
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|
VADER: I (hiss) am (hiss) Darth (hiss) Vader.
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|
PICARD: I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the Federation Starship USS
|
|
Enterprise. Welcome aboard.
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|
VADER: Are (hiss) you (hiss) the one (hiss) responsible (hiss) for (hiss)
|
|
knocking (hiss) my ship (hiss) all around (hissss)?
|
|
PICARD: No.
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|
VADER: I guess I can quit this hissing, then. I just do that to intimidate
|
|
people. Right now I could intimidate a few people, let me tell you. What
|
|
a day I have had. A bunch of rebels just blew up my space station!
|
|
PICARD: I see. Is that your natural appearance, or are you wearing some
|
|
sort of armor?
|
|
VADER: This is my body armor. My natural appearance is actually worse. Or
|
|
at least, less socially acceptable. What manner of vessel am I on?
|
|
PICARD: A Federation starship.
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VADER: Are you allied with the Empire?
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PICARD: Uh... which Empire?
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|
VADER: The Empire. THE Empire.
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PICARD: Sorry, we seem to be out of touch. Where I come from there is a
|
|
Klingon empire, and we're allied with them, and a Romulan empire, and we're
|
|
not allied with them. Does this help?
|
|
VADER: Not a bit. Never mind, I need to get back.
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|
PICARD: So do we, so far to no avail. Is this your natural section of space,
|
|
or did you pass through a brightly colored, cloudy discontinuity?
|
|
VADER: Oh, so that was real? I was seeing lots of things after my ship went
|
|
into a spin. But that's not important. I must get back to the Emperor,
|
|
quickly, and make sure he understands that the whole ugly mess was Tarkin's
|
|
fault, not mine, and that I should be promoted.
|
|
PICARD: When we get out of here we'll send you on your way.
|
|
VADER: Very well, I will command your efforts.
|
|
PICARD: In a pig's eye.
|
|
VADER: (hiss) What (hiss) did (hiss) you (hiss) say (hissssss)??
|
|
PICARD: I said, you're welcome as our guest while we try to resolve about
|
|
five different problems at the same time, but you are simply that, and not
|
|
in command here.
|
|
ADAMA: Attention Federation vessel!
|
|
VADER: What was that?
|
|
ADAMA: Attention Federation vessel! This is the Battlestar Galactica. Are
|
|
you holding one of our pilots? Please respond.
|
|
PICARD: Whoops, I've got to get to the bridge. Security!
|
|
VADER: Whoa. For a moment I thought it was the Emperor! I hate it when he
|
|
sneaks up on me with that big projection...
|
|
PICARD: Security, keep an eye on this fellow. Keep him on the primary hull
|
|
when we separate. I'll be on the battle bridge...
|
|
|
|
Picard hurries to the battle bridge, where the full bridge crew (except Riker)
|
|
is present. He presses one of the buttons which, on the last episode, was
|
|
the garage door opener, but on this episode controls the phaser communications
|
|
link.
|
|
|
|
PICARD: This is Jean-Luc Picard of the Enterprise.
|
|
ADAMA: Are you holding one of our pilots?
|
|
PICARD: We... currently have one pilot on board, your Captain Apollo.
|
|
|
|
There is a moment of silence.
|
|
|
|
PICARD: Well, what do you all think? Did I say the right thing?
|
|
|
|
The Enterprise goes KERRRUMP as the Galactica opens fire.
|
|
|
|
WORF: I would say... no.
|
|
GEORDI: The Romulan ship is also opening fire on us, sir.
|
|
|
|
The Enterprise begins to shake about in a distinctly more pronounced way.
|
|
|
|
GEORDI: Sir, the Romulan shots are working normally. Shields are taking a
|
|
real pounding this time! Nothing's blocking THOSE shots.
|
|
PICARD: Return fire! Worf, put that cursed Klingon honor to some good use.
|
|
WORF: Opening fire, sir. (I love this part of my job.)
|
|
WESLEY: And Commander Riker's not here to see it.
|
|
PICARD: I want the primary hull separated NOW.
|
|
GEORDI: The order is given. Splitting now.
|
|
PICARD: How are we doing?
|
|
WORF: Shields weakening, sir. Still returning fire.
|
|
PICARD: How are the Romulans doing? Sensors?
|
|
WESLEY: Uh... I rewired them to monitor phaser communications links.
|
|
PICARD: All of them? You mean the regular abilities are GONE now?
|
|
WESLEY: Well, yes.
|
|
PICARD: FIX THEM!
|
|
WESLEY: A major engineering task performed in mere minutes from two different
|
|
bridges, and do I get thanks? No. Do I get abuse? Oh, yes.
|
|
PICARD: Fix them AND stop whining or you're going to your room, where you will
|
|
die horribly like the rest of us.
|
|
WESLEY: All right all right...
|
|
PICARD: Worf, concentrate on the Romulan ship; we'll assume that the Galactica
|
|
isn't affected by our shots. Geordi, did the primary hull get away?
|
|
GEORDI: They're heading out of the engagement now.
|
|
PICARD: Put me on with Commander Riker.
|
|
FUDD: Hello, this is acting bridge officer Lieutenant Fudd on the primary
|
|
hull.
|
|
PICARD: Yes, Commander Riker please.
|
|
FUDD: Uh, he's not on board sir.
|
|
PICARD: What? Where is he?
|
|
FUDD: He stayed on board the secondary hull, sir.
|
|
RIKER: Here I am, sir.
|
|
PICARD: Commander, what are you doing on this vessel? Didn't I order you to
|
|
take command of the primary hull? You'd even get to use the captain's
|
|
chair. But instead you are here.
|
|
RIKER: I meant to go, really I did, but I was in the john when they split,
|
|
and wouldn't you know it, it was a john in the secondary hull, boy was I
|
|
upset to learn that, and... uh...
|
|
FUDD: That's not what happened, Captain.
|
|
RIKER: You shut up, Fudd!
|
|
FUDD: That's not what happened. He did it on purpose. I saw him.
|
|
RIKER: Nobody likes a tattle-tale, Fudd.
|
|
PICARD: Well, all I can say is... Fudd, what's the matter?
|
|
RIKER: What kind of comment is that? Oh... Lieutenant Fudd is choking. Well!
|
|
Maybe next time he won't be so quick to be a tattle-tale, now will he?
|
|
PICARD: What is it? What are you choking on?
|
|
FUDD: Acckk, gasp! Aaaaaauuuuuugggghhhhhhh... (thud.)
|
|
PICARD: Hello? Hello? Primary hull?
|
|
RIKER: I think I heard a thud.
|
|
PICARD: A fudd?
|
|
RIKER: No, a thud. A falling-down-dead sort of sound.
|
|
VADER: Hello again, Captain Picard.
|
|
PICARD: What are you doing on that bridge???
|
|
VADER: Taking command, of course. I have displaced your security forces and
|
|
your bridge crew. I can find my own way home now.
|
|
PICARD: Dammit, Will, you were supposed to BE on that hull.
|
|
RIKER: But I'd be dead now.
|
|
PICARD: Precisely. Listen, Vader...
|
|
VADER: I'm not interested, Captain Picard. Be glad we are now on separate
|
|
vessels... or I would have to deal with you as well.
|
|
PICARD: Wait, Vader, there are innocent men, women and children aboard that
|
|
hull... hello? Hello! He hung up. He hung up!
|
|
GEORDI: Could be worse. He could have called collect.
|
|
PICARD: Well, this is great. Just great. Anything else anyone would like
|
|
to share with me?
|
|
WORF: Our shields are just about to collapse.
|
|
PICARD: Well thank YOU also. Mr. Data?
|
|
DATA: Captain?
|
|
PICARD: Get us out of here. Full speed away from the Romulan vessel. Let's
|
|
go after our primary hull.
|
|
WORF: Sir! Klingon honor demands that we stay and fight!
|
|
PICARD: And die? Is that it? Is that what Klingon honor demands?
|
|
WORF: Hmmm... maybe that's why our population tends to stay low.
|
|
DATA: Warp speed away from the Romulans: course locked in.
|
|
PICARD: Engage.
|
|
|
|
ADAMA: All right, disengage.
|
|
TIGH: Sir?
|
|
ADAMA: They're fleeing. Besides which, we didn't accomplish anything anyway.
|
|
Only the Romulan shots had any effect.
|
|
TIGH: Well... whose shots made it break up like that? Theirs or ours?
|
|
ADAMA: A good question. Yet both sections appeared to be powered. Perhaps
|
|
it was two vessels in tandem. I wonder which one was the Enterprise?
|
|
TIGH: Probably the round one. Who would give a name like Enterprise to a
|
|
vessel that looks like a headless chicken?
|
|
ADAMA: Maybe somebody whose mother wasn't named Garg'zunthicht.
|
|
TIGH: Sir, the Romulans are opening communications again.
|
|
ADAMA: Okay, rig the cannon for response.
|
|
ROMULAN COMMANDER: Attention, Battlestar Galaga.
|
|
ADAMA: Galactica.
|
|
ROMULAN COMMANDER: Right, Galactica. That battle was well fought. The
|
|
cowardly Federation ship turned tail and fled.
|
|
ADAMA: Thank you... but we couldn't have done it without you.
|
|
ROMULAN COMMANDER: Very true. But let's celebrate anyway. Lower your shields
|
|
and we'll send over some of our officers for debriefing and partying.
|
|
TIGH: Our shields? Sir--
|
|
ADAMA: Uh, lower our shields? We can admit a shuttle to one of our hangar
|
|
bays in this status.
|
|
ROMULAN COMMANDER: Yes, but we'd like to just beam over. You need to lower
|
|
your shields so we can do this.
|
|
TIGH: Commander, I don't trust this...
|
|
ADAMA: Sir, I'm not sure what you mean by "beam over"... but our present
|
|
defensive posture and the number of unknown ships in the vicinity suggest
|
|
that this would be an unsafe move.
|
|
ROMULAN COMMANDER: Look, you'll do as your told, or else crrztt pffth...
|
|
ADAMA: Don't curse at me, daggit dropping!
|
|
TIGH: No, sir, his signal is breaking up.
|
|
ROMULAN COMMANDER: zzt ckrk Sorry about that, we're having trouble with the
|
|
communi ffrrzt link here, chkknpft hmmmmm....
|
|
ADAMA: What's the matter?
|
|
TIGH: Well, it seems the Romulan ship is drifting from its position, and their
|
|
energy beam keeps drifting with them. Okay, they're correcting with their
|
|
main drive... what's going on here?
|
|
ADAMA: Don't ask me, you're the one with five dozen sensors and a Cray at
|
|
your fingertips.
|
|
TIGH: They're moving opposite their drive! They're starting to drift backwards
|
|
even with their drive on!
|
|
ADAMA: That doesn't make sense.
|
|
TIGH: That's why you're the Commander, you just pick right up on this stuff.
|
|
|
|
PICARD: What's happening? Number one?
|
|
RIKER: Why do you always ask me?
|
|
PICARD: Good question. Geordi?
|
|
GEORDI: We've closed our distance on the primary hull... but they're slowing
|
|
down. So are we.
|
|
PICARD: Well, don't slow down until we reach them.
|
|
GEORDI: I'm not, sir. We're still at full warp. It's just that we're losing
|
|
speed. It's almost like we're pushing against some sort of barrier.
|
|
UHURA: Message coming in, sir.
|
|
PICARD: You're not in this series.
|
|
UHURA: Sorry.
|
|
PICARD: Open a channel, somebody.
|
|
VADER: Captain (hiss) Picard! (hiss) I demand (hiss) you release me. (hiss)
|
|
PICARD: You're in no position to demand anything. You are holding part of my
|
|
ship.
|
|
VADER: (hiss...) If I knew how to work your weapons system you wouldn't be
|
|
saying that.
|
|
RIKER: Well boy, isn't he STUPID. All our computers have context-sensitive
|
|
help.
|
|
VADER: Oh yeah? Thanks. Wait a minute.
|
|
PICARD: Commander Riker!!
|
|
RIKER: Whoops.
|
|
PICARD: Go stand in the corner.
|
|
RIKER: Yes, sir.
|
|
WORF: Primary hull opening fire.
|
|
PICARD: How are our shields?
|
|
WORF: Terrible. Permission to return fire?
|
|
PICARD: No.
|
|
WORF: Sir! Klingon honor demands that we return fire!
|
|
PICARD: That's OUR SHIP you want to fire on, laser brains.
|
|
WORF: Oh yeah.
|
|
GEORDI: Speed dropping off more sharply, sir. On both hulls.
|
|
PICARD: Well, fix that! New course, heading... er... something away from the
|
|
primary hull AND the Romulans until our shields recharge.
|
|
DATA: I have a theory...
|
|
PICARD: And we couldn't be more excited. Later, Mr. Data.
|
|
GEORDI: Course change entered... but we're not moving terribly fast.
|
|
PICARD: Increase engine output.
|
|
GEORDI: I did. The engine room is calling.
|
|
ENGINEER: Captain! Me engines canna take much mo' o' this!
|
|
PICARD: Talk normal.
|
|
ENGINEER: Sorry. Captain, the engines can't take much more of this.
|
|
PICARD: So get out and push. Why does everyone tell me their little problems?
|
|
What do I look like, Dear Abby?
|
|
RIKER: Maybe what Abby will look like by the twenty-fourth century, anyway.
|
|
PICARD: Mr. Riker, I notice you're not standing in a corner.
|
|
RIKER: The bridge is ROUND, sir. There are no corners to stand in.
|
|
PICARD: Keep looking until you find one. Geordi, are we making progress?
|
|
GEORDI: Well... moving out of firing range, but our speed is dropping rapidly.
|
|
We'll be sub-warp in a second.
|
|
DATA: I have a theory.
|
|
PICARD: All right already. What is your theory?
|
|
DATA: You'll recall that the Romulans were able to fire on us unimpeded by the
|
|
temporal effect.
|
|
PICARD: You bet your buns I recall. And we'll all be recalling it when the
|
|
insurance rates go up on this ship.
|
|
DATA: Bet your buns?
|
|
PICARD: Don't start.
|
|
GEORDI: We're now sub-warp.
|
|
PICARD: Go on, Data.
|
|
DATA: Very well. We can then safely assume that the Romulan vessel occupies
|
|
the same temporal extension as this ship, actually both parts of this ship.
|
|
PICARD: So far so good. Is this going somewhere?
|
|
DATA: Hopefully. So in separating the three ships, if we can count the hulls
|
|
as separate entities, in opposing directions, we are in effect STRETCHING the
|
|
temporal extension significantly. The boundaries of the temporal extension,
|
|
unless it were to break, are impeding our progress.
|
|
PICARD: So, we can't go much further, then?
|
|
GEORDI: We're now dead in space.
|
|
DATA: Actually, Captain, it's much worse than that.
|
|
PICARD: Uh... what are you saying?
|
|
DATA: It may be that tremendous kinetic energy is being transferred from our
|
|
warp drives into the temporal barrier. Energy which has to be transferred
|
|
back in some fashion.
|
|
PICARD: What does that mean?
|
|
WESLEY: I know! I know!
|
|
PICARD: Wesley, are the sensors fixed?
|
|
WESLEY: Uh... almost.
|
|
PICARD: Shut up then.
|
|
GEORDI: Captain! We're starting to move backwards!
|
|
PICARD: Backwards?
|
|
GEORDI: So is the primary hull!
|
|
PICARD: What the devil does this mean?
|
|
DATA: It's what I was trying to say, sir. Having stretched the boundary to
|
|
its limits... the boundary will now snap back together.
|
|
PICARD: Huh?
|
|
DATA: And throw the three ships back at each other at warp speeds.
|
|
EVERYONE: WHAT!!!
|
|
DATA: It's just a theory.
|
|
GEORDI: Reverse velocity approaching warp speed. We're headed back for the
|
|
Romulans all right.
|
|
PICARD: So, this is it. We're going to die.
|
|
DATA: Well, that's the gist of the theory, yes. It cuts through the details
|
|
a bit but you're essentially correct. We ARE going to die.
|
|
PICARD: Number One, come here a minute.
|
|
RIKER: Yes sir? What do you OWWWWWW!!!!
|
|
PICARD: That'll be all.
|
|
RIKER: You just hit me!
|
|
PICARD: You noticed. I've always wanted to, and if we're about to die now I
|
|
figured I might as well.
|
|
WESLEY: Captain! Captain! The sensors are fixed!
|
|
PICARD: Excellent. We can watch our impending death in detail.
|
|
WESLEY: Can I save the ship now?
|
|
PICARD: NO! Err... does anybody ELSE have an idea for saving the ship?
|
|
(dead silence)
|
|
PICARD: Frak. All right, Wesley... what's your plan?
|
|
WESLEY: Just before impact, we engage the warp drive in a vector to just miss
|
|
the Romulan ship, and try to break free of the temporal boundary altogether.
|
|
PICARD: That's it?
|
|
WESLEY: Pretty much, yeah.
|
|
PICARD: A simple plan like that, and nobody else on this bridge thought of
|
|
it???!
|
|
DATA: By breaking the temporal boundary, we may be breaking whatever small
|
|
link we have with our home galaxy.
|
|
PICARD: A plan, however, which does beat dying. Let's do it. What about the
|
|
primary hull?
|
|
GEORDI: What about it?
|
|
PICARD: Could we pick it up with a tractor beam and bring it along with us?
|
|
GEORDI: No way. We'll be traveling at ludicrously high warp. But we COULD
|
|
use the tractors to push it around the Romulan ship in the other direction
|
|
from us, so at least it won't collide.
|
|
PICARD: Uh... right. Whatever you just said.
|
|
GEORDI: We're starting to get close. Everybody, hold tight, and hope the
|
|
shields are still up to this!
|
|
PICARD: I'm the Captain, I get to make general warnings like that.
|
|
GEORDI: Sorry, go ahead.
|
|
PICARD: Attention, crew! This is your Captain speaking. We are going to be
|
|
experiencing some turbulence, so please take your seats and observe the
|
|
"Fasten Seatbelts" signs. Thank you.
|
|
GEORDI: Nice.
|
|
PICARD: If we survive this, drinks will be served. Lots of drinks.
|
|
DATA: Closing on the Romulan ship; impact in seven seconds. Well, make that
|
|
six, er, five really, four, let's call it three, two, uh, well, one...
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
What will happen next? ...actually, we know what will happen next, how it
|
|
will happen, and why. Despite this total lack of suspense, many of you will
|
|
keep reading anyway. Go figure.
|
|
|
|
This story is almost exclusively the fault of:
|
|
******************************************************************************
|
|
* Internet: marky@draco.ece.cmu.edu * "If 'flame wars' are the object, this *
|
|
* Favorite color: blue * story must be a Molotov Cocktail." *
|
|
******************************************************************************
|
|
|
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From rog@draco.ECE.CMU.EDU Wed May 30 12:35:20 1990
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|
Received: from DRACO.ECE.CMU.EDU by ksuvax1.cis.ksu.edu (SMTP)
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(5.59++/CIS1.1) id AA09661; Wed, 30 May 90 12:35:20 CDT
|
|
Received: by draco.ECE.CMU.EDU (5.54-ECE2/5.17)
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id AA20082; Wed, 30 May 90 13:34:54 EDT
|
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Date: Wed, 30 May 90 13:34:54 EDT
|
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From: Roger Brockenbrough <rog@draco.ece.cmu.edu>
|
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Message-Id: <9005301734.AA20082@draco.ECE.CMU.EDU>
|
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To: jfy@ksuvax1.cis.ksu.edu
|
|
Status: OR
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ENTERPRISE vs GALACTICA, chapter 5 of 6
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|
|
For any of you who did not read the preceding chapters... now is not a good
|
|
time to start. The Galactica is at war with the Enterprise once more.
|
|
On the bridge, things are once again pretty frantic. (Actually, the only time
|
|
the bridge of the Enterprise is a dull place to be is between episodes, which
|
|
is also when the characters usually catch up on their sleep.) Once again,
|
|
those annoying red lights are on, but at least everyone's back to the main
|
|
bridge, the dead and injured from Vader's brief stint at command have been
|
|
cleared away, and the seats are more comfortable than on the battle bridge.
|
|
Vader is still periodically ranting from inside the broom closet, but nobody
|
|
is really paying attention to that. (The prevailing theory is that his powers
|
|
vanished through prolonged distance from his proper space-time whatsit, but
|
|
this theory is about as muddled as the rest of this story.)
|
|
|
|
PICARD: Worf, how are our shields?
|
|
WORF: In a word: bad.
|
|
PICARD: How about, in several words?
|
|
WORF: Extremely, horrendously, unacceptably bad.
|
|
PICARD: I thought we were having Wesley fix them.
|
|
WORF: He got some back, but the shots from the Galactica are knocking them
|
|
back down. Can we PLEASE shoot them back, just a little?
|
|
APOLLO: Don't do it.
|
|
WORF: You, shut up.
|
|
PICARD: Riker, Apollo, guests, what do we do now?
|
|
WORF: We blast the Galactica.
|
|
STARBUCK: Oh no you don't...
|
|
APOLLO: Starbuck, put the gun away. Listen, whatever your name is...
|
|
WORF: I am Worf.
|
|
APOLLO: Worf, then. Whatever happened to your head seems to have scrambled
|
|
your brain, too. If you return fire, there is no chance for peace, and no
|
|
chance for your vessel.
|
|
WORF: Your forces are that good?
|
|
APOLLO: They have survived overwhelming odds through vast reaches of space.
|
|
Yes, they're that good.
|
|
WORF: Hah! A challenge! Klingon honor demands I beat you up.
|
|
PICARD: Worf! Stop being such a bully. Captain Apollo, how can we indicate
|
|
that we are trying to be friendly, and get the message across BEFORE the
|
|
Galactica's fire does serious damage? If that happens, we'll have to return
|
|
fire just to protect our own lives.
|
|
APOLLO: Well, you should have thought of that before you used that "beam
|
|
aboard" thing.
|
|
PICARD: You're a fat lot of help, arrogant twerp. Keep that up and I'll lock
|
|
you up in a small room with Wesley.
|
|
VADER: I could advise.
|
|
PICARD: What? I thought I heard something from inside the broom closet.
|
|
VADER: I said, I could advise your battle.
|
|
APOLLO: Oh, great.
|
|
PICARD: No thanks. You haven't done so well thus far, you know.
|
|
VADER: I was a great warrior in the past, I'll have you know!
|
|
PICARD: Was that when your space station got destroyed and your ship bashed up?
|
|
VADER: No, before that. I was a warrior in the Clone Wars.
|
|
RIKER: The what?
|
|
VADER: Clone Wars. Mostly a battle to make the universe IBM-compatible.
|
|
DATA: Uggh. What happened?
|
|
VADER: We won. Then we discovered that IBM compatability is a rapidly moving
|
|
target as well as a pain in the rear. So we ditched them in favor of the
|
|
Risc-2 model processors, and now we've got R2 units everywhere.
|
|
PICARD: This is NOT helping. Is there ANY way to get the Galactica to stop
|
|
shooting at us?
|
|
|
|
Suddenly, the Galactica stops shooting.
|
|
|
|
PICARD: Oh, good. What did we do? And whose idea was it?
|
|
RIKER: Mine. My idea.
|
|
PICARD: I doubt that.
|
|
RIKER: Well, it was worth a try.
|
|
GEORDI: Captain, we've got a new set of sensor images incoming.
|
|
APOLLO: May I see?
|
|
GEORDI: Sure. Computers can't identify them, but then, that's no big surprise
|
|
either, at least here.
|
|
APOLLO: Starbuck, do you see what I see?
|
|
STARBUCK: In this case, yes. I'd say that's why the Galactica stopped firing.
|
|
PICARD: What is it?
|
|
APOLLO: Cylons. It's the Cylon fleet, our mortal enemies, coming in to destroy
|
|
us.
|
|
WORF: Good.
|
|
GEORDI: Sensor readings indicate several large ships, and a massive number of
|
|
small fighters. We're showing life readings on the ships, but very limited
|
|
brain wave traces. It looks like that planet of network television execu-
|
|
tives we scanned a while back.
|
|
PICARD: How long until they get here?
|
|
GEORDI: I'd say about ten minutes at the outside.
|
|
PICARD: Can we outrun them?
|
|
GEORDI: At higher warps, yes, definitely.
|
|
DATA: If we don't have more trouble with those temporal boundaries, that is.
|
|
GEORDI: Oh yeah. And if our warp drives are still working properly at the
|
|
moment.
|
|
APOLLO: The Colonial Fleet couldn't outrun them.
|
|
PICARD: So, the question is this: do we attempt to intervene on behalf of the
|
|
Colonial Fleet and offer assistance, assuming we're NOT still at war with
|
|
them? Or do we intervene on behalf of the Cylons, assuming we ARE still at
|
|
war with the Galactica? Or do we sit back and watch, invoking the Prime
|
|
Directive?
|
|
STARBUCK: Uh, personally, the first one of those was MY favorite.
|
|
PICARD: I don't know that the Prime Directive really applies here... but the
|
|
Galactica has been a most erratic ally. I personally lean toward staying out
|
|
of the confrontation.
|
|
RIKER: You would.
|
|
WORF: Sir, Klingon honor demands that we fight SOMEBODY. It doesn't matter
|
|
who.
|
|
APOLLO: I would urge you, Captain Picard, to aid our cause. Before the battle
|
|
with the Cylons becomes your cause as well, and without the Colonial fleet
|
|
as allies.
|
|
STARBUCK: Yeah. What he said.
|
|
PICARD: I don't know. Will, what do you think?
|
|
RIKER: Captain, I say... wait! I've figured this out!
|
|
PICARD: Figured what out?
|
|
RIKER: Never mind. Sir, I strongly recommend that we reject Captain Apollo's
|
|
suggestion, and avoid this fight.
|
|
EVERYONE ELSE: Huh?
|
|
PICARD: You want to AVOID this fight?
|
|
RIKER: Yes sir, that's what I recommend.
|
|
PICARD: Frak. Well, then. Captain Apollo, we're prepared to aid your cause.
|
|
RIKER: Hah! It works!
|
|
DATA: "Frak," Captain? That's the second time you've said that.
|
|
PICARD: So it is. Uh... actually, I don't know where I got that phrase.
|
|
STARBUCK: It's one of our curses.
|
|
PICARD: But not one of ours.
|
|
DATA: It may be that the more time we spend in these crossed temporal barriers,
|
|
the more our thought processes will overlap, and tend to stray from their
|
|
norms.
|
|
PICARD: You mean, we're all acting like lunatics becuase of these temporal
|
|
whatsits?
|
|
DATA: Well, at least partially.
|
|
GEORDI: It may also explain why Data's back to being a babbling idiot.
|
|
DATA: I resemble that remark.
|
|
PICARD: We've got to get back home, and soon.
|
|
RIKER: Uh, right, let's do that, and let the Galactica rot.
|
|
PICARD: Oh yeah, we have to help the Galactica first. Geordi, are the warp
|
|
engines operational?
|
|
GEORDI: They SEEM to be, sir.
|
|
PICARD: How about the tractor beams?
|
|
GEORDI: Oh, they're fine, sir. We just can't use them with the shields up,
|
|
that's the only problem.
|
|
PICARD: Can we pull the whole Colonial fleet?
|
|
GEORDI: No way, sir. We don't have nearly the power output.
|
|
PICARD: Okay, have Wesley redesign the power system so we can do it. He has
|
|
five minutes.
|
|
GEORDI: Sounds good.
|
|
APOLLO: Captain, what is it you're planning?
|
|
PICARD: Run franticly in the other direction.
|
|
STARBUCK: Sounds like good Colonial policy.
|
|
APOLLO: None of these other ships can aid us in battle with the Cylons?
|
|
PICARD: We are attempting to AVOID this battle, Apollo. Besides, we've got
|
|
the Romulans out there, who hate our guts, and the Klingons, who may or may
|
|
not be willing to help, and... what other ships?
|
|
GEORDI: That Ford Escort, sir. And various unidentified craft.
|
|
PICARD: So, things don't seem really conducive to quick alliances. Geordi,
|
|
has Wesley redesigned the power system yet?
|
|
GEORDI: He just finished.
|
|
PICARD: Good. Lock the Colonial fleet in our tractor beams, Mr. Worf-- no,
|
|
scratch that. Mr. Data, you do it. We'd like some of them to survive this
|
|
maneuver.
|
|
DATA: Shields down, sir, and tractor beams locked on.
|
|
PICARD: Now, let's just hope the Galactica doesn't decide to shoot at us for
|
|
this maneuver.
|
|
|
|
CCRRUMMPP!!!
|
|
|
|
PICARD: Zarking fardwarks!! Captain Apollo, when we get out of this, remind me
|
|
to find the commander of the Galactica and punch him in the face.
|
|
APOLLO: That's my father you're talking about.
|
|
PICARD: Really? You'll do, then.
|
|
APOLLO: OOWWWWWWWCCCHHH!!!
|
|
PICARD: I'm starting to really enjoy this episode.
|
|
GEORDI: Cylons closing fast, Captain.
|
|
PICARD: Right. Warp engines, thattaway, engage! Floor it, Geordi.
|
|
DATA: Floor it, sir?
|
|
PICARD: Go very fast.
|
|
DATA: Ah. Floor it. Go very fast. Accelerate. Punch it. Get it in gear.
|
|
Positive delta vee. Hit the road, Jack--
|
|
EVERYONE: SHUT UP, DATA!!!
|
|
DATA: Oh, right. Shutting up now. Sorry about that, I don't know what came
|
|
over me. Intriguing.
|
|
PICARD: Data, I mean it!
|
|
DATA: But I am shutting up, sir. I'm shutting right up now. You don't have
|
|
to worry about me, when I'm told to shut up I just shut right up. Some people
|
|
don't know when to shut up, but not me, no sir. I just shut right up without
|
|
any problem at all. Pulling away from the Cylons now; I mention this just to
|
|
keep you informed, but really I'm shutting up now so you won't have to listen
|
|
to any excessive chatter or have anything distracting you from the fact that
|
|
the other vessels around us seem to be pulling in closer to us, yes indeed,
|
|
now that I know that you want me to shut up, I'm just shutting right up, and
|
|
I don't think you have anything to worry about as far as me shutting up,
|
|
because like I already told you, I'm good at shutting up. So I'm done, now.
|
|
That's it. ...where did everybody go?
|
|
VADER: Battle bridge.
|
|
DATA: What was that?
|
|
VADER: They went back to the battle bridge again. It's quiet there.
|
|
DATA: Why are you still here?
|
|
VADER: I'm locked in this stupid broom closet, WHAT DO YOU THINK? Are you
|
|
STUPID?
|
|
DATA: Well, yes, apparently. Shall I talk to you for a while?
|
|
VADER: AAAGHH!! SOMEBODY LET ME OUTA HERE!!!
|
|
|
|
On board the Galactica, for variety, the stress is from entirely different
|
|
sources. For example:
|
|
|
|
ADAMA: I seem to have misplaced my bifocals again.
|
|
TIGH: Commander!
|
|
ADAMA: Yes, Tigh, what is it now?
|
|
TIGH: I think what the Enterprise is doing is pulling us, and our entire fleet,
|
|
out of range of the Cylons.
|
|
ADAMA: Oh, so they ARE on our side after all?
|
|
TIGH: At least for the moment, that seems to be the case.
|
|
ADAMA: This is getting very weird. I'm having a lot of trouble keeping track
|
|
of when we like them and when we don't.
|
|
TIGH: I just hope our men are okay. Starbuck alone accounts for 37% of our
|
|
audience share in the single young women category.
|
|
ADAMA: So, we're currently out-running the Cylon fleet?
|
|
TIGH: Correct, sir. We ought to steal that ship just for their engines.
|
|
ADAMA: Maybe we can learn from it from here. Send Mr. Wizard back in.
|
|
TIGH: Just a moment, sir.
|
|
MR. WIZARD: You sent for me, Commander?
|
|
ADAMA: Yes, I did. Can we derive the basic technology basis for the engines
|
|
of that ship out there pulling us, and build our own engines like that?
|
|
MR. WIZARD: Well, yes but no.
|
|
ADAMA: Why but why not?
|
|
MR. WIZARD: I've studied the ship out there through my instruments, and have
|
|
come to the basic conclusion that that ship cannot possibly function.
|
|
ADAMA: What do you mean?
|
|
MR. WIZARD: They seem to be powered by the release of energy from a crystal
|
|
structure which is impossible to our physics.
|
|
ADAMA: You mean, we don't know how to do it.
|
|
MR. WIZARD: No. I mean it is physically impossible. Molecules do not combine
|
|
like that. Anywhere.
|
|
ADAMA: Obviously you're mistaken.
|
|
MR. WIZARD: And obviously you're a clueless old geezer who ought to be doing
|
|
dog food commercials. Listen. The structural elements of their ship, and
|
|
everything, all show similar molecular structure. And it's ALL physically
|
|
impossible. Those materials cannot exist.
|
|
ADAMA: What are you saying?
|
|
MR. WIZARD: That that ship does not belong in this UNIVERSE at all. Or else
|
|
we do not. Or maybe, both.
|
|
ADAMA: That's stupid. They're from EARTH. Our lost thirteenth colony. They
|
|
have to be from the same universe.
|
|
MR. WIZARD: I didn't write this episode, so don't ask me to explain it. I'm
|
|
just telling you: the Galactica and the Enterprise do not belong in the same
|
|
universe at all.
|
|
|
|
On board the Enterprise, back on the battle bridge, other concerns are brewing.
|
|
So is some coffee.
|
|
|
|
GEORDI: Captain, there's something that's bothering me.
|
|
PICARD: What, Geordi?
|
|
GEORDI: These chairs. They're nowhere near as comfortable as on the main
|
|
bridge.
|
|
PICARD: Well, we've got Wesley working on a volume control for Data, and when
|
|
he's done we can all go back.
|
|
RIKER: I like this, keeping Wesley busy making stuff all the time. It keeps
|
|
him out of sight.
|
|
PICARD: It pains me to agree with you, Number One.
|
|
RIKER: Don't I know that.
|
|
GEORDI: Actually, Captain, there's something else that's bothering me.
|
|
PICARD: What is it?
|
|
GEORDI: The way the other ships have been pulling close around us. I mean,
|
|
we're under high warp, and they don't appear to have their engines on at all.
|
|
And that automobile. I don't think it has a warp drive at all. But it's
|
|
pulling close too.
|
|
PICARD: I see. Theories?
|
|
GEORDI: Maybe the temporal boundary things are doing some weird thing. I
|
|
don't know; do I look like Data?
|
|
RIKER: No. For one thing, your face doesn't look bleached.
|
|
PICARD: What do sensors say about the other ships?
|
|
GEORDI: Well, that's weird too. The sensor readings keep changing subtly.
|
|
It's like they keep drifting out of focus or something, but that's not it.
|
|
PICARD: Counsellor Troi, can you tell us anything useful? For a change?
|
|
TROI: I sense lots of people having no idea what's going on.
|
|
PICARD: This is not news.
|
|
TROI: I also sense someone, or several people, I can't tell where, with a
|
|
sense of anticipation.
|
|
PICARD: Could it be the Cylons, perhaps?
|
|
TROI: I don't think so. But it's hard to pin down.
|
|
PICARD: Keep trying.
|
|
GEORDI: Captain, I have a theory I don't like.
|
|
PICARD: Keep it to yourself, then. We've got enough stress here as it is.
|
|
WORF: Sir! The Romulans are opening fire.
|
|
PICARD: Big whoop. They can't hurt us.
|
|
|
|
CCRRASSSSHHHH!!!! (snap, crackle & pop)
|
|
|
|
GEORDI: Actually, that was the theory I didn't like. I thought maybe the
|
|
temporal boundaries were combining together. We're all in the same arena
|
|
now.
|
|
PICARD: Great. Any other good news?
|
|
GEORDI: Sure. That shot there just blew out our main power system. Warp
|
|
drives inoperative. We're slowing down.
|
|
PICARD: Kill the tractor beam.
|
|
GEORDI: It's dead all on its own.
|
|
PICARD: Raise our shields!
|
|
GEORDI: Actually, we have no shields left.
|
|
WORF: Sir! Permission to blow the Romulans away?
|
|
PICARD: Will, what do you think?
|
|
RIKER: No way. Leave those poor guys alone.
|
|
PICARD: Permission granted, Worf. Blow their buns off!
|
|
DATA: Blow their buns off, sir?
|
|
PICARD: Oh no. Data, what are you doing here?
|
|
DATA: I came down to assist in the mad panic and screaming.
|
|
PICARD: If you start running off at the mouth again you're getting re-booted,
|
|
you hear me?
|
|
DATA: Yes sir. Can I assist with anything?
|
|
PICARD: We'll let you know.
|
|
APOLLO: So what happens now?
|
|
PICARD: Well, one well-placed shot and we all die, that's what. Hey, what is
|
|
the Galaga doing?
|
|
APOLLO: Galactica.
|
|
PICARD: Whatever. Where are they going?
|
|
APOLLO: It looks to me like they're pulling between you and the Romulans, what
|
|
does it look like to you?
|
|
PICARD: So, then, we're allied with the Galactica again?
|
|
WORF: Sir, the Klingon ship is firing at us! What is going on?
|
|
PICARD: So, the Klingons are allied with the Romulans for some reason.
|
|
GEORDI: But the Romulans just shot at the Klingons. Now the Klingons are
|
|
returning fire on them.
|
|
PICARD: Okay, so the Klingons are back on our side, and the Romulans are
|
|
fighting them.
|
|
WORF: Galactica opening fire on the Klingons.
|
|
PICARD: Oh, so the Galactica is allied against the Klingons, who are allied
|
|
with us, but also with us, who are against the Romulans, who were allied
|
|
with the Galactica. No. Wait, do I have this right?
|
|
GEORDI: Doesn't matter, the Galactica switched back to shooting at the
|
|
Romulans.
|
|
STARBUCK: I think I need a score card.
|
|
APOLLO: I think I need an asprin.
|
|
PICARD: I think we need a peace conference.
|
|
RIKER: Aw, man, he ALWAYS does this.
|
|
APOLLO: Yeah, but if we can't outrun the Cylons, we need to all turn and fight
|
|
them. So we have to be allies first.
|
|
RIKER: My head hurts.
|
|
PICARD: Small wonder. I don't know about this fighting the Cylons bit, but I
|
|
think we need to stop this battle or there'll be nobody left of any of us to
|
|
ever go back home.
|
|
DATA: Sir, I find it interesting that we've done almost nothing since coming
|
|
through that space discontinuance thing but battle amongst ourselves in
|
|
various combinations.
|
|
PICARD: I find it interesting too, in a MORBID and SICK sort of way.
|
|
DATA: What I mean, sir, is that I have to wonder if this wasn't set up delib-
|
|
erately in some way.
|
|
PICARD: You mean, that awful "Q" character again?
|
|
DATA: Not necessarily. But the possibility exists that some sort of higher
|
|
intelligence has staged this entire situation.
|
|
PICARD: Not again. Don't these so-called "higher intelligence" types have
|
|
anything to do but mess with people?
|
|
DATA: Insufficient data to comment, sir.
|
|
PICARD: Well, whatever the cause, we certainly need to come to terms with one
|
|
another. Now, how do we contact them?
|
|
RIKER: How about the radio?
|
|
PICARD: Don't be stupid.
|
|
RIKER: I am NOT being stupid. Why do you always assume I'm being stupid?
|
|
PICARD: It's true 99% of the time, that's why.
|
|
RIKER: Well, in this case it's not. We can communicate with the Romulans and
|
|
the Klingons, I would think. The Galactica is already prepared to be at
|
|
peace with us if we can avoid scaring them again, and the other vessels in
|
|
the area just watching all of this appear to be unshielded to transporters.
|
|
So we can have a meeting right here, on the Enterprise, with EVERYBODY.
|
|
PICARD: He's got a good point, doesn't he?
|
|
GEORDI: Seems that way, sir.
|
|
PICARD: I hate that as much as I hate Wesley saving the ship. Oh well. Let's
|
|
get this peace thing underway. Captain Apollo, would you like to take a
|
|
shuttle and go back to the Galactica?
|
|
APOLLO: Sounds great to me.
|
|
PICARD: Tell your commander that we'll beam him over here, and not to get all
|
|
bent out of shape this time.
|
|
APOLLO: Righty ho, good enough for me.
|
|
WORF: Sir! Klingon honor demands that we shoot some more people!
|
|
PICARD: Hang on, Worf. The story's not over yet.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Only one more installment to go, and then you can start flaming in ernest!
|
|
|
|
Since I don't get rec.arts.startrek in my neck of the Internet woods, post
|
|
the really nasty stuff directly to:
|
|
******************************************************************************
|
|
* Internet: marky@draco.ece.cmu.edu * Any resemblance between the characters *
|
|
* Novell Network: network 00000001, * in this story and the original ones is *
|
|
* node 00000000000A (like this is * entirely coincidental, and DEFINITELY *
|
|
* helpful somehow) * not intentional. *
|
|
******************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
From rog@draco.ECE.CMU.EDU Wed May 30 12:35:40 1990
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|
Received: from DRACO.ECE.CMU.EDU by ksuvax1.cis.ksu.edu (SMTP)
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(5.59++/CIS1.1) id AA09670; Wed, 30 May 90 12:35:40 CDT
|
|
Received: by draco.ECE.CMU.EDU (5.54-ECE2/5.17)
|
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id AA20086; Wed, 30 May 90 13:35:13 EDT
|
|
Date: Wed, 30 May 90 13:35:13 EDT
|
|
From: Roger Brockenbrough <rog@draco.ece.cmu.edu>
|
|
Message-Id: <9005301735.AA20086@draco.ECE.CMU.EDU>
|
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To: jfy@ksuvax1.cis.ksu.edu
|
|
Status: O
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|
|
GALACTICA vs ENTERPRISE, chapter 6 of 6
|
|
|
|
We're on the home stretch here... Picard has decided to hold a peace
|
|
conference between the various warring, observing and even disinterested
|
|
parties in this story, and find some common ground before the Cylons reach
|
|
them and start killing people at random. (Worf is disappointed by this.)
|
|
After a number of long and tedious conversations we won't report (not to be
|
|
confused with all of the long and tedious conversations already part of this
|
|
story), an uneasy truce exists on the bridge of the Enterprise (yes, the main
|
|
one AGAIN) as representatives of the various ships hang out together and eat
|
|
tasteless little hors d'oeuvres.
|
|
The Klingons, however, refrain from this. Worf is attempting to talk to
|
|
the officers from the Klingon ship, and although they are howling at each
|
|
other in the manner of badly wounded dogs, they don't appear to understand a
|
|
word each other is saying. Finally they break it off.
|
|
|
|
WORF: Talk proper Klingon, you fools!
|
|
KOLOTH: I AM talking fluent Klingonese, what is YOUR problem?
|
|
WORF: Fluent Klingonese from what era? That's NOTHING like the way Klingons
|
|
talk. You don't look like proper Klingons, either.
|
|
KOLOTH: Oh, I suppose "proper Klingons" all look like they have lobsters
|
|
embedded in their skulls.
|
|
WORF: As a matter of fact they do.
|
|
KOLOTH: You're no Klingon. What are you doing on a ship of the enemy?
|
|
WORF: The enemy?
|
|
KOLOTH: Yes! A ship even bearing the same name as our hated enemy, James
|
|
Kirk! Who humiliated us just two days ago at Sherman's planet!
|
|
WORF: Wait a minute, James Kirk was captain of the first two "starship
|
|
Enterprise" vessels. That was years and years ago.
|
|
KOLOTH: Years and years, freak?! We just this morning finished trampling all
|
|
those damned tribbles he inflicted on us! We'll be picking colored fur and
|
|
tribble guts out of our equipment for years and years, THAT's where the years
|
|
and years come in to this!
|
|
WORF: You are obviously deranged.
|
|
KOLOTH: And you are obviously a traitor! Serving on a Federation vessel!
|
|
Wearing Federation pajamas!
|
|
WORF: Traitor? Sir, Klingon honor demands I require your apology!
|
|
KOLOTH: Apology? Fool! Klingon honor demands I stick my thumb in your eye!
|
|
WORF: Ow! An assault! Klingon honor demands that I show no pain, but ram my
|
|
fist up your nose!
|
|
KOLOTH: Mmff grmffpht mfff--
|
|
WORF: Oh, sorry.
|
|
KOLOTH: Thank you. You dog! Klingon honor demands that I ignore all the blood
|
|
running down my face, and smash you over the head with this chair!
|
|
WORF: Oooooooooooofff. That didn't hurt. Where'd you go? Oh. That was
|
|
nothing, you offspring of Milli Vanilli! Klingon honor demands I ignore the
|
|
chair leg sticking out of my ear, and stuff you into this tiny service panel
|
|
here--
|
|
PICARD: Worf, now that you guys are done greeting each other, come over with
|
|
the rest of us. This is interesting.
|
|
WORF: Do I have to?
|
|
PICARD: Now.
|
|
KOLOTH: He orders you? And you call yourself a Klingon??
|
|
WORF: I'll settle with you later.
|
|
KOLOTH: I look forward to it.
|
|
PICARD: Commander Adama, tell us that part again.
|
|
ADAMA: In Colonial lore, there was a thirteenth tribe that left the home
|
|
worlds and started another colony far away. This colony's planet was known
|
|
as Earth.
|
|
PICARD: Curious. Data, can that be?
|
|
DATA: It seems most improbable, sir. Checking computer references now.
|
|
PICARD: Commander, what is the source of your information?
|
|
ADAMA: Mostly what is written in the book of Kobol.
|
|
PICARD: What else does it say?
|
|
ADAMA: Lots of weird stuff about writing extremely verbose computer programs,
|
|
and ending every command with a period or the compiler freaks. The book of
|
|
Kobol isn't very popular with our young people.
|
|
PICARD: Indeed?
|
|
ADAMA: Yes. They switched to the book of Fortran, and later the book of C.
|
|
Sacrilegious louts.
|
|
GEORDI: How about Ada? Anybody use that?
|
|
ADAMA: (sigh) Ada was written by our Council of the Twelve. ...You can kind
|
|
of tell, actually.
|
|
PICARD: Mr. Data, are you finding anything?
|
|
DATA: Actually, yes. No solid evidence that the Earth was a Colonial tribe
|
|
of any sort, but I did find one interesting reference. It appears that in
|
|
Earth's late twentieth century, the Battlestar Galactica did reach the planet
|
|
Earth.
|
|
STARBUCK: What do you mean, "did reach"?
|
|
DATA: It's part of our history from three and a half centuries ago.
|
|
ADAMA: So, we are displaced in time right now. Or we will be. Either way,
|
|
we know we'll survive this encounter with the Cylons and finally reach the
|
|
Earth!
|
|
STARBUCK: That's great! We're going to make it!
|
|
DATA: Er, well...
|
|
APOLLO: What's wrong?
|
|
DATA: Not by these records, you don't. When the Galactica reached the Earth,
|
|
apparently neither of you two young men were still alive. Commander Adama
|
|
here was one of the few still alive.
|
|
STARBUCK: Figure that one out, folks.
|
|
APOLLO: You mean, Starbuck and I are going to die before we reach Earth?
|
|
DATA: Yes.
|
|
STARBUCK: That's terrible!
|
|
DATA: Not really. You, for example, were quite a hit on the A-Team, which has
|
|
received a lot more syndication than Battlestar Galactica ever did.
|
|
ADAMA: I didn't quite follow that last bit.
|
|
DATA: Well, it's hard to tell from our records; what we have on the twentieth
|
|
century seems to be as confusing as the century itself. But it may be that
|
|
the whole story of the Galactica was a work of fiction.
|
|
ADAMA: You're starting to sound like my Mr. Wizard. In other words, you're
|
|
making absolutely no sense at all.
|
|
DATA: What I'm saying is, to the universe from which the Enterprise comes,
|
|
the Earth isn't a Colonial colony, and your vessel and your people never
|
|
really existed. Just as, in the universe from which you come, the Enterprise
|
|
probably does not exist.
|
|
ADAMA: Amazing. Mr. Wizard said something like that. He said your ship could
|
|
not exist in our universe.
|
|
PICARD: Wait just a minute. You're saying that these people are a work of
|
|
fiction?
|
|
DATA: As we also may be, sir.
|
|
PICARD: This explains a lot. Will Riker must've been a typo.
|
|
DATA: An author in the twentieth century, a Robert Heinlein, suggested that
|
|
the works of creative fiction may all have "real" existence in some other
|
|
universe somewhere.
|
|
PICARD: And this is another two-bit sci-fi theory we have to take seriously
|
|
now, is that it?
|
|
DATA: Basically.
|
|
WORF: This explains a lot. Obviously the Klingons I know, and these idiots all
|
|
bent out of shape about a bunch of little tribbles, came from different
|
|
imaginations. Or at least, I came from a better makeup department.
|
|
RIKER: What else did this Heinlein say?
|
|
DATA: Well, later in life he suggested that people should have sex with anyone
|
|
and anything, regardless of circumstances, preference and gender. I'm not
|
|
sure what that had to do with science fiction, but he sure started to write a
|
|
lot of it.
|
|
RIKER: I like the sounds of this Heinlein.
|
|
PICARD: Yes, well, stay away from the rest of us. This theory is nice enough,
|
|
I suppose, except it still doesn't answer what we will do when the Cylons
|
|
get here to kick some Colonial butts. How long, Geordi?
|
|
GEORDI: Another half hour and they'll have caught back up, sir.
|
|
PICARD: So, what do we do? Maybe some of the other ship's representatives
|
|
have some comments. Who do we have here?
|
|
TROI: People from the Heart of Gold, the Nostromo, the Eagle, something called
|
|
a Tardis, the Palomino, and miscellaneous extras from Lost in Space, Buck
|
|
Rogers, Dune... sir, the list goes on and on. I suggest, in the interests
|
|
of keeping our already absurdly diverse cast list to a minimum, that we
|
|
ignore the lot of them.
|
|
PICARD: Agreed. Stop feeding them, then.
|
|
GEEK: What about me?
|
|
PICARD: What about you? Who are you?
|
|
GEEK: I was out watching from my car.
|
|
PICARD: Oh, I see. What do you want?
|
|
GEEK: I want you guys to get back to fighting.
|
|
PICARD: Excuse me?
|
|
GEEK: That's what I'm here for. To see the battle.
|
|
WORF: Which one?
|
|
GEEK: Any of them, but the real important one is the Enterprise versus the
|
|
Galactica. A lot of us have money down on who will win.
|
|
ADAMA: What are you talking about?
|
|
PICARD: Who, exactly, are you?
|
|
GEEK: My name is not important. I am one of the frequent patrons of the
|
|
rec.arts.startrek bboard, and we want to know which ship can kick which
|
|
ship's butt, the Enterprise or the Galactica. There's been a lot of people
|
|
discussing this, you know.
|
|
RIKER: Is he serious?
|
|
WORF: Captain Picard sir! Klingon honor demands we blame this whole icky mess
|
|
on this geek here, and tear him to shreds!
|
|
PICARD: No.
|
|
WORF: Huh?
|
|
PICARD: We're not going to fight any more.
|
|
DATA: Uh, sir, who are you addressing?
|
|
PICARD: Whoever arranged this event. DO YOU HEAR ME? WHOEVER YOU ARE,
|
|
WHEREVER YOU ARE! WE'RE NOT GOING TO FIGHT ANY MORE!
|
|
KOLOTH: See, he even solves episodes like James Kirk. What a woobie.
|
|
TROI: Captain, I sense extreme annoyance from beings around us. Captain! The
|
|
emotions are focusing here on the bridge--!
|
|
|
|
Suddenly, with a shimmer of light and some other neat special effects sorts of
|
|
flourishes, two figures appear, reminiscent of half a dozen episodes from The
|
|
Old Show. They are clearly beings from a higher plane of existence, since
|
|
they are wearing Greek togas.
|
|
|
|
H.I.M.B. #1: Greetings, peons. We are the H. I. M. B.
|
|
PICARD: Excuse me, you're the what?
|
|
H.I.M.B. #1: The H. I. M. B. It stands for Hyper-Intelligent Meddling Beings.
|
|
It's rather a self-explanatory acronym, really.
|
|
ADAMA: What is it you want with us?
|
|
H.I.M.B. #2: Well, some of those hors d'oeuvres would be quite nice. Particu-
|
|
larly those cheesy ones, please?
|
|
H.I.M.B. #1: Yes, but we are also here because we are exceedingly displeased.
|
|
You people are not proceeding in a manner at all conducive to good, clean
|
|
senseless violence. We have set up a situation with conflicting alliances
|
|
and hatreds, and what do you do halfway through shooting each other up real
|
|
good? You go and hold a peace conference. You all DISGUST me.
|
|
PICARD: Well, with all due disrespect, we find the idea of beings meddling
|
|
with the lives of others to be quite disgusting as well. It's to avoid just
|
|
such situations that we have the Prime Directive.
|
|
ROMULAN COMMANDER: And when somebody does that to US, we demolish them and
|
|
make them our slaves.
|
|
H.I.M.B. #2: Say, these are DELICIOUS. Could we have the recipe?
|
|
PICARD: I mean, just who do you think you guys are?
|
|
H.I.M.B. #1: Well... just a couple of guys, you know? We got kicked off the
|
|
Brockian Ultra-Cricket team, and have time on our hands to just play tricks
|
|
on people.
|
|
H.I.M.B. #2: Yeah. Take the Horse Head Nebula, for example. No big deal,
|
|
right? But who do you think stole the horse's body? Huh?
|
|
GEEK: I wanna know who would win! Make them fight!
|
|
WORF: Silence!
|
|
H.I.M.B. #1: Well, it really doesn't matter, we ran a computer simulation to
|
|
see how it would end up. I guess that's all we have, since you guys won't
|
|
be fighting now.
|
|
PICARD: Ah, finally. So, you're going to return us all to our own universes,
|
|
then?
|
|
H.I.M.B. #1: Well, not exactly. We'll leave you here for a few centuries just
|
|
to see if your descendants feel more like fighting.
|
|
|
|
There is one of those ominous silences throughout the bridge.
|
|
|
|
H.I.M.B. #2: You had to go tell them that already, didn't you? I don't suppose
|
|
I'll be getting any more food now.
|
|
PICARD: You're going to do WHAT?
|
|
H.I.M.B. #1: Don't be getting any ideas, Picard. We're higher beings, you
|
|
know. We outpower you puny beings.
|
|
H.I.M.B. #2: That's right! We're the equal of any ten or so of you!
|
|
|
|
Another silence occurs, during which time the forty or fifty people on the
|
|
Enterprise bridge count to see how many people are there. The silence is
|
|
broken as they all pile on top of the two H.I.M.B.s.
|
|
|
|
H.I.M.B. #1: Ow!! Oooh! AAAAHHHH!
|
|
H.I.M.B. #2: No, please, don't rip the robe! Hey!!!
|
|
H.I.M.B. #1: You had to go tell them that, you fool!
|
|
H.I.M.B. #2: Well, we can still wave our arms and change all this!
|
|
H.I.M.B. #1: Can you move YOUR arms?
|
|
H.I.M.B. #2: Well... no.
|
|
H.I.M.B. #1: Then SHUT UP about it!
|
|
GEEK: Who would win? That's what I want to know.
|
|
H.I.M.B. #2: If we tell, will you let us up?
|
|
GEEK: Sure!
|
|
H.I.M.B. #2: It was a draw. The two ships destroyed each other completely.
|
|
GEEK: Yes, but who won?
|
|
H.I.M.B. #1: Aren't you listening? Nobody won!
|
|
GEEK: Somebody had to survive!
|
|
H.I.M.B. #2: Sure. Data and Muffit. Muffit then tried to bite Data, and they
|
|
both shorted out. Happy now?
|
|
GEEK: Not really.
|
|
H.I.M.B. #2: So, you'll let us go now?
|
|
EVERYONE: NO.
|
|
H.I.M.B. #2: Oh, hey, not fair.
|
|
H.I.M.B. #1: Oh, DO shut up.
|
|
GEEK: Wait! Which ship would win a battle, the Enterprise or the Death Star?
|
|
H.I.M.B. #1: Kid?
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GEEK: Yeah?
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H.I.M.B. #1: Just GET A LIFE, would you?
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All the excitement over, the two meddling beings are securely tied with heavy
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cords and bundled into a shuttle from the Galactica. With essentially no fond
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farewells at all, the shuttle is programmed to intercept the approaching Cylon
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forces, without any weapons of course.
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The transporter room in the Enterprise is busy sending people back to their
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own vessels again. The Galactica members linger behind.
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ADAMA: So, we believe that when the Cylons destroy that shuttle, this strange
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set of circumstances which brought us together will be over?
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DATA: That's the theory. And the only way of ending this story in the few
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lines of text which remain.
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ADAMA: So, I suppose that we will be back to our seperate private struggles.
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PICARD: It would seem so. But it was inspiring to know that, in other,
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different universes than our own, good is still triumphing over evil so
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valiantly. Or at least, running away fast enough.
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STARBUCK: I can't tell if that was a compliment or an insult.
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APOLLO: Don't worry about it.
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PICARD: How long until the Cylons reach the shuttle?
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GEORDI: Just another minute.
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PICARD: Gentlemen, you'd better be going, then.
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|
ADAMA: Right. Come on, you two.
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APOLLO: Uh, dad?
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|
ADAMA: Now what?
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|
APOLLO: Starbuck and I have decided that, on the whole, if we're not going to
|
|
make it to Earth and you are, we'd rather it be because we stayed back here.
|
|
ADAMA: What! That's stupid! Are you crazy? I'll never agree to this!
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|
DATA: Commander Adama, we have to send you back NOW.
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ADAMA: Oh. Okay, I agree. Bye, son! Good luck with your new life.
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|
Commander Adama disappears from the transporter deck.
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|
GEORDI: That's the last of them. Even sent Vader off in his beat up ship
|
|
again. I guess we're ready for whatever happens.
|
|
PICARD: Starbuck, Apollo, you are welcome in the Federation, of course. I
|
|
just hope you do not find yourself seperated from us and drifting in space
|
|
once the different universes seperate again.
|
|
STARBUCK: Aren't you a bundle of cheer?
|
|
APOLLO: I'm not too worried. With all the logical points which were stretched
|
|
or just plain ignored in this story, I'm sure we'll get away with it.
|
|
GEORDI: Sir! The Cylons opened fire on our shuttle!
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|
PICARD: Well, here we go then...
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|
GEORDI: Sir! The H.I.M.B.s must have gotten loose! They are blasting away
|
|
at the Cylons! They destroyed two of those big ships!-- Wait, the Cylons
|
|
got them...
|
|
|
|
All the strange colors and sensations return for a moment. But only a moment.
|
|
Please do not adjust your set.
|
|
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|
PICARD: Bridge! Are we back in normal space yet?
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|
RIKER: Well, there's stars and black space. It looks okay, anyway.
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|
PICARD: Thank you Mr. Riker.
|
|
APOLLO: What a crew.
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|
DATA: From here sensors show the same quadrant we were in before all this
|
|
started. And there's the Romulan ship again, sir. Still pretty well
|
|
damaged.
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|
WORF: Bridge to transporter room! Sir, permission to kick their butts before
|
|
we leave?
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|
PICARD: I don't know. Will, what do you think?
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|
RIKER: Let's get them!
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PICARD: Mr. Data, Geordi, Wesley, etc., set us a course for starbase fifty-
|
|
two. It's time we were going home.
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|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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|
This concludes our epic tale of senseless stupidity.
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|
On the off chance that you were not thoroughly annoyed by it, please send me
|
|
email and I'll try to correct this for you.
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Once again, my legend...
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******************************************************************************
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* internet: marky@draco.ece.cmu.edu * Klingon names start with "K" or "W". *
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* usenet: but don't abuse net * So do American radio stations. Why is *
|
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* bitnet: tasted awful * this? Enquiring minds want to know! *
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******************************************************************************
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