371 lines
22 KiB
Plaintext
371 lines
22 KiB
Plaintext
StarTrek - The Next NeXT Generation
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Since my last attempt to capture the true spirit of Next Generation
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episodes, I have been informed by certain members of the Spaced-Out community,
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to which I proudly belong, that not all Next episodes fall so nicely into my
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pattern, and some are actually budgeted enough to afford a way-team. So, this
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is it: The Next NeXT Generation. This one, unlike the first, is a co-production
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of Mikisoft and Startrek Enterprises Inc. (I would like to point out that these
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two names are ordered alphabetically, and not nessecarily by contribution, so
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the fact that my name appears first should by no means account to anything
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other than the fact that it is alphabetically previous to the other.)
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blatuntly,
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Michael Brand
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a.k.a. Tiny
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a.k.a. Tiny the Indestructible
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a.k.a. hdz
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and
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Elad Sion
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a.k.a. ArchiDruid
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P.S. Don't hesitate to bother us at brand@ccsg.tau.ac.il, or at a
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theatre near you.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICK-CARD: "Captain's log, stardate 936035.1, which also
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happens to be my birthday. Today, the Enteprise is sad to say goodbye
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to the LITTLE NE... Log, cross that out."
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LOG: "Oh. Just when it was getting good."
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PICK-CARD: "Captain's log, stardate 936035.1. Today, the Enteprise is sad to
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say goodbye to a good friend who was with us for a very long time.
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Drinks will be served in the conference room the minute he is gone,
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to celebrate his departure. Weasly Crush-'er is leaving us to learn
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for four years in the Starfleet Academy, and with any luck, will not
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return until I've lost all my hair."
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LOG: "Should I cross that out, too?"
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PICK-CARD: "Definetely not. I don't need everybody at StarBase to know that I
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now shine with wisdom."
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LOG: "Well, in that case, how about giving me 50 SpaceBucks for not sending
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your last sentence to StarBase."
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PICK-CARD: "This is ridiculous. Logs can't spend any money."
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LOG: "Yeah, and they can't talk either. Talk about civil rights."
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(PICK-CARD shuts the log off, and walks out of his ready room and into the,
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bridge, still looking rather frustrated after being out-thought by a
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machine. After he has left, the door to his ready room opens again,
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and a 33-22-33 blond teleporting engineer pokes her head out, to make
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sure that nobody is looking. When she is convinced that the coast is
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clear, she sneaks out and heads for the TurboLift, where she is met by
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DR. BEAVERLY CRUSH-'ER, who is also on her way to the bridge.)
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CRUSH-'ER: "Captain, what was that teleporting engineer doing in your ready
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room?"
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PICK-CARD: "Keeping me ready. Anna and I talked strictly about business. Why?"
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CRUSH-'ER: "Because if I'll ever see you two again, I'm going to rip you into
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a - "
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VOICE-OVER: "Mess - The final front ear. These are the voyages of the start-
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(In the background CRUSH-'ER: Wait, I am not through lecturing yet)
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chip 18Primes, on its continuing mission to seek out new wives and new
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symbolization. To boldly show what no <Fill in the Blank> has shown
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before. To see how much more the people are willing to take before
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they decide to censor this program for good."
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LT. COMMANDER BETA: "Captain, we are now in range of the federation base.
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Following normal orbit around the planet."
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PICK-CARD: "good, enter orbit around the planet."
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LT. WARP: "Captain, this is strange. I get no readings of life on the planet."
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COMMANDER WILLIAM STRIKE-'ER: "That IS strange. Normally that only happens in
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old generation episodes. We've scanned 11% of the galaxy and we still
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didn't find any planet without intelligent life. Maybe we should make
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it a natural reserve so that no intelligent life will be able to
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penetrate it. (Excited) Yes, that could be it: The starchip energize
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on its final mission to seek out no life and no civilization, cool!"
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PICK-CARD: "Looking at you, I sometimes wonder whether intelligent life exists.
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What Warp was trying to say, is that the federation commitee, designed
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to test Weasly, as to whether he should be sent to StarFleet Academy
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or not, is still not here, and therefore cannot be bribed to
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disqualify him."
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WARP: "Er... actually I meant what Strike-'er said."
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PICK-CARD: "Shut up."
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(Dramatic music followed by a commercial break. The commercial is for Pepsi-
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Light - The only drink to survive warp speed nine and still taste just
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as oogy and disgusting as it did before.
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This is followed by an outside shot of the Enteprise hovering in orbit
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around the planet. The planet is mostly brown, but has green specs on
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it surface which, when connected might, or might not, spell a very
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very rude word.)
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PICK-CARD: "Captain's log, stardate 936035.2. (Yes, that is 93MACH.O) It seems
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I have spoken too soon. Weasly might not be leaving us so quickly after
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all, so you can forget that Christmas Bonus I told you about. We have
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waited for an entire commercial break for the StarFleet delegation to
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come, but still no sign has been seen from them. I will be on the way
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team to the planet, because it is in my contract, the rest of the
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team will be the people who lost the bingo game for us against smart-
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dip Endevour. We will give this planet a visit to see if something
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happened, or maybe we can call it an episode."
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LT. TASHA YAWN: "Captain Pick-Card. I do not believe it is safe for you to go
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down to the surface of the planet at this stage. I mean, why not keep
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the viewers in suspense for a couple of parsecs more?"
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PICK-CARD: "Your remark has been noted and will be rejected after long and
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serious consideration."
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(Red lights begin flashing and a voice in the background says "RATES ARE
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DROPPING, RATES ARE DROPPING.")
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(PICK-CARD is somewhat taken aback and tries to explain the reason behind
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his last remark)
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PICK_CARD: "I mean, we have kept the viewers in suspense since the beginning
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of the season. I believe it is time for some ACTION."
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(Chuck Noris bursts in from the TurboLift.)
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CHUCK: "You wanted action? You got it. I'm taking this ship to Cuba!"
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PICK-CARD (yawns unimpressively, at YAWN): "Has Weasly been playing on the
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holo-deck, again?"
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(YAWN nods, presses a few ominous Turbo-Buttons on her control panel and Chuck
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disappears, leaving us forever to wonder about stuff like: "what is the
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meaning of life?", or "where is there a parking space in Cuba?")
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YAWN (keeping her fingers on the turbo-control panel): "Anybody else?"
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(Everybody continues doing whatever they were doing a second before, trying to
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make sure it keeps them within safe distance of YAWN. WEASLY,
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STRIKE-'ER, WARP and PICK-CARD, for example, are heading for the
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transporters. They are beamed down to the planet.
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The picture dissolves into a planet-surface shot. The way team is
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being beamed down. PICK-CARD has been beamed down in the act of
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winking to Anna, the teleporting engineer, so he looks a bit more
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silly than usual. STRIKE-'ER, on the other hand, was in the middle of
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picking his nose so he looks rather more sophisticated.)
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PICK-CARD (to STRIKE-'ER): "There seems to be no one on this planet, this is a
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great opportunity to tie down WEASLY and beat the hell out of him."
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(STRIKE-'ER begins to answer but he is interrupted by BETA.)
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BETA (from the speakers): "Captain, my scans still detect no intelligent life
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on the planet."
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COUNCELLOR DIE-ANNA TROI (from the speakers): "I sense great irony."
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BETA (from the speakers): "This is rather interesting, captain. In every
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planet we beam to, there is always exactly the kind of atmosphere
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which sustains human life. Don't you think that is rather strange?"
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PICK-CARD: "Are you kidding? Since when can Hollywood sustain human life?"
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STRIKE-'ER: "Look at this! There are foot prints of four people! Look! They
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start over there from no where, and go all the way down to this spot
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we are standing on!"
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WEASLY: "Yes, Strike-'er. These are OUR foot prints."
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STRIKE-'ER (disappointed): "Why don't I ever get to say the really exciting
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sentences like: 'Watch out! There's a pear shaped alien hiding inside
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that phone-booth!'"
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PICK-CARD (alarmed): "What phone booth? Where?"
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STRIKE-'ER: "No, I meant, why don't I ever get to say these really exciting
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things?"
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WEASLY: "Maybe its because you are about as exciting as an accountant?"
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WARP: "Watch out! There is a pear shaped alien hiding inside that phone-booth!"
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STRIKE-'ER (Scratching his turbo-thick skull): "See what I mean?"
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PICK-CARD: "Don't you start with that, too, Warp. I have enough trouble as it
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is. You should know that the reason Strike-'er couldn't say that
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line, is because there are no phone-booths on unhinhabited planets."
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WEASLY: "Except for the one over there, with the pear shaped alien hiding
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inside it."
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PICK-CARD: "Ok! Ok! I give up! There's a pear shaped alien over there, that
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thinks he's Clark Kent. So what?"
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WEASLY: "So maybe we could ask him about the delegation?"
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WARP: "Maybe he IS the delegation?"
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STRIKE-'ER: "I'm hungry."
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(PICK-CARD walks over to the phonebooth which stands there within the barren
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landscape, unconnected to all other things in the universe, except
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for a pear shaped alien which is hiding inside it.
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Picard knocks on the plastic door. The door opens and the pear shaped
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alien looks at him with some disapproval.)
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E.T. : "E.T. phone home."
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PICK-CARD: "Long distance call. I see."
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E.T. : "E.T. phone home?"
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PICK-CARD: "Oh, no, we are the S.S. Enteprise. You don't happen to know -"
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E.T. (alarmed): "E.T. phone home!"
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(E.T. slams the phone-booth's plastic door on PICK-CARD's nose.)
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PICK-CARD: "Ouch!"
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E.T. (barely audible through the door): "That's my line!"
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(Suddenly, E.T. disappears in a flash of special effects, and where his phone-
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booth was, now lies the entrance to a cave in the rocks. On the cave
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door, the letter 'Y' is imprinted, which, in the native tongue, means
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'WHY?!')
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BETA (from the speakers): "Captain, I believe I understand what you have just
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seen. It is an illusory hologram, made by certain races to protect
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their home terrain from primitive life which might be fooled by this
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little trick and will actually believe that a pear shaped alien
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might - "
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PICK-CARD: "That's quite enough of that, Beta. Don't get too technical with
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me."
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(The cave door opens and out of it a small, pear shaped alien - )
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PICK-CARD: "Not again!"
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(Yes, again, a pear shaped alien emerges from the door.)
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YODEL: "So, I see that you have arrived after all. Wise of you to. My name is
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Yodel, and I am the delegation sent by the federation to pick up a
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certain Weasly Crush-'er, who is to be sent to the StarFleet Academy
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after receiving his basic training from me."
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WARP: "I'm Crush-'er."
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WEASLY: "Yeah, and I am King Kong."
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YODEL: "Very well spoken, my boy. Your speech shows wisdom beyond your years."
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WARP (to PICK-CARD): "Told you."
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PICK-CARD (to WARP): "Shut up."
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WARP: "But our scanners detect no life on this planet. How is that possible?"
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YODEL: "Yes, I am sorry. I thought you were from the Old Generation. They never
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go to planets that have life on them. They want to always go where no
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man has gone before. If you will come with me, I will show you how the
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mechanism works."
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(YODEL goes back through the door to his cave, and WARP follows him there,
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knocking the door to fit HIS size in the process. As they go, YODEL is
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heard to be saying: "You see, the entire planet is surrounded by a
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giant Somebody-Else's Problem field, and so.....")
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PICK-CARD: "Well, I think our business here is finished."
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STRIKE-'ER: "Yes, It seems our business here is finished."
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WEASLY: "I wouldn't count on it."
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PICK-CARD: "How do you mean?"
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STRIKE-'ER: "Yes, how do you mean?"
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PICK-CARD: "Stop repeating me!"
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STRIKE-'ER: "I wasn't repeating you!"
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PICK-CARD: "Our script writers have a hard enough time already, but using every
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line in an episode twice is totally ludicrous."
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WEASLY: "Well, anyway, if our business here is finished, then I'm to be sent to
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StarFleet Academy, right?"
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PICK-CARD: "That's the main idea."
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WEASLY: "But every time we've tried that before something awful and terrible
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happened at the last moment to prevent it. And since I figure this is
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the last moment - "
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YAWN (from the speakers): "Captain! An unidentified vessle is approaching us!"
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LT. BOREDOM LA-FORGE (from the speakers): "It's...
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EVERYBODY: "We know, it's like nothing you've ever seen before!"
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YAWN (from the speakers): "What do you mean, it's like nothing you've ever seen
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before? It looks exactly like the Enter-prize!"
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BOREDOM (from the speakers): "What do you expect from a blind guy?"
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PICK-CARD: "Never mind that, now. Send hailings in all frequen - "
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(Two figures which seem to have been teleported onto the planet's surface from
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the alien vessle begin materializing. Their teleportation looks exactly
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the way End-demise teleportations don't.)
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PICK-CARD: "Forget the hailings. I'll deal with this myself."
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(The figures materialize and take the shape of two uniformed men.)
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CAPTAIN GAMES T. JERK (honestly pleased with himself): "They don't make these
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special effects like that anymore."
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MR. STOCK: "Our readings showed no life forms on the planet, that's why we
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beamed down, but look at this!"
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(JERK turns to consult STOCK. As he does so, his back is turned to the camera
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and the imprint on his shirt can be easily read: 'My Middle Name's
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Trouble.')
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JERK: "Yes, next time the lavatories don't work, make sure Spotty beams us
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down to someplace more private. Can you hypothesize as of the identity
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of these people?"
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STOCK: "Yes. I believe these are the people who came in the Enteprise-like
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vessle we have seen."
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JERK: "What an exceptional mind you have, Stock. And what is that Enteprise-
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like vessle we have seen?"
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STOCK: "Oh, I've figured that one, too. It's the vessle which belongs to these
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people over here."
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JERK: "Amazing, Stock, amazing."
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PICK-CARD: "What do you mean, Enteprise-like?"
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(JERK turns to face PICK-CARD. The difference in their charisma is clearly
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noticable. STOCK's ears are practically glowing with delight.)
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PICK-CARD: "We come in peace."
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JERK: "Oh, yeah, well we come in peace, too."
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PICK-CARD: "But we came in peace before you."
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JERK: "And you'll be leaving in pieces."
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PICK-CARD: "I've had just about enough of you!"
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JERK: "Have some respect for the elder generation!"
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PICK-CARD: "Have some respect for wise bald men!"
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JERK: "Where? I don't see any!"
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(At this point RICHARD DRYFUSS appears out of no-where and tries to intervene.)
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DRYFUSS: "Peace! Peace! Peace in the galaxy!"
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(He is being completely ignored, and so begins to humm a five tone melody on
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his harmonica.)
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STRIKE-'ER: "Go away. I won't give you any money for playing like THAT."
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DRYFUSS: "Help, Help, I am begin supressed."
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(As this attempt has also failed, he looks for the largest pile of dirt avail-
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able in the area and begins molding it to the likeness of a mountain
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whose top is completely flattened.
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This might have given him the attention he deserves, hadn't at this
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point one of the StarTrek crew suffered a small but inconsequential
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injury to his upper left arm. The identity of this member will at this
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point not be revealed for the sake of suspense.)
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WEASLY (to STRIKE-'ER): "See, Q.E.D."
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(The cave door opens, and Yodel, who had been disturbed by the shouts, rushes
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out, followed by WARP.)
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JERK: "A KLINGON! Shoot to kill!"
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(Everybody pulls out his respective phaser, and begins shooting at eachother.
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At this point WARP suffers a small but inconsequential injury to his
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upper left arm, by a passing shot. This shot also happens to pass
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straight through YODEL, making him look like a human pin-cushion.)
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STRIKE-'ER: "Warp! Don't die on me now!"
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WARP: "We are a fighter race! We do not indulge ourselves in such actions."
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(Amidst the shooting, WEASLY crosses over to YODEL.)
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WEASLY: "Yodel, is Darth Vader my father?"
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YODEL: "Well, I would like to put it this way. After you and princess Leah have
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been seperated at birth, your mother remarried the third husband of
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Darth Vader's first wife. This caused Alexis to re-marry Dex for the
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third time, this time because of his oil supply, and his knowlege of
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the Carrington firm. So, even though legally speaking, Darth Vader is
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not your father, he is a closer relative to you, than was your step-
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mother who shared 3 of the same fathers as your daugher. Thus
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technically speaking, Darth Vader more resembles your mother than your
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father, whom you've never met. Does that answer your question?"
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WEASLY: "I can't remember what I asked you now."
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PICK-CARD (talking to his shirt pocket): "Eery-lies! Come in, Silly-ties! This
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is an emergency!"
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SPOTTY (from the speakers): "Yes, what is it?"
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PICK-CARD: "Not you! The other ink-supplies! Come in! Get sick bay ready! Five
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to beam up! Quickly!"
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(As we watch, YODEL turns into a lighter shade of pale, which is in his case
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green, and disappears promptly.)
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PICK-CARD: "Correction. Four to beam up!"
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STRIKE-'ER: "What happened?"
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(Yet a third pear shaped alien pokes his head out from YODEL's (r.i.p.) cave)
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ALF: "Maybe he dropped into a parallel dimension? I've seen it happen!"
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(Then, noticing the hostile look he gets from PICK-CARD at being not only the
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third pear shaped alien they've met on this episode, but also the
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wisest, ALF decides to take his business elsewhere, and goes away.
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At this moment, the teleporters are turned on, and the entire way team
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is being beamed up to the IllArrives's sick bay. This leaves only JERK
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and STOCK on the surface, since ALF and RICHARD DRYFUSS decided they
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don't stand a welk's chance in a supernova against this.)
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STOCK: "Now what, captain? We seem to have eliminated all life on this planet."
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JERK: "In that case, our mission is completed. We have succesfuly sought and
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destroyed new life and new civilisations. Let's get out of here."
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(The camera shows an outside picture of the twin Enteprises, as the old
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generation decides to hit the bricks.)
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BOREDOM: "N'th officer's log, stardate 936035.9. Lt. Boredom LaForge
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reporting. It seems again that Weasly will not be going to the
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StarFleet Academy, and so we are heading in warp speed out of here.
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All members of the way team have been released from the sick bay
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healthy and intact. It seems that somebody have been planning something
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nasty, and won't tell me about it."
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(Camera dissolves to an inside shot of the Enteprise, as WARP leads PICK-CARD
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out of the TurboLift.)
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PICK-CARD: "Where are we going?"
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WARP: "You'll soon find out."
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PICK-CARD: "Is the ship still in orbit around the planet?"
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WARP: "No, sir." (he beams happily) "We're in WORF speed."
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PICK-CARD: "I wish somebody will tell me what's going on. Who is left on the
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bridge?"
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WARP: "Only Yawn and Boredom. Everybody else is down here."
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PICK-CARD: "Do you think it's wise to leave them alone there?"
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WARP: "What's the worse thing that can happen? Yawn will fall asleep, and
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Boredom will make a log entry."
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PICK-CARD: "But she bears his child."
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WARP: "funny, he doesn't look like a bear."
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VOICE: "You are now entering HoloDeck 4. Do you wish to terminate the currently
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running program?"
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WARP: "With everybody in there? It would be an interesting experiment."
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(The HoloDeck's doors open and the two step in. Inside are indeed most of the
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Enteprise's crew. The scene is that of a mud-wrestling tournament.
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Inside the ring are Anna and Beaverly. As PICK-CARD enters. The fight
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is already in its midst.)
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STRIKE-'ER: "Strike her!"
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CRUSH-'ER: "Crush her, mom!"
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DIE-ANNA: "Die, Anna!"
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(BETA takes out an 8mm BETAMAX and begins recording.)
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WARP (to PICK-CARD): "Don't tell me. Warp speed out of here?"
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PICK-CARD (exposing all of his gold fillings): "Are you kidding? I wouldn't
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miss this for the world!"
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(Closing credits)
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The producers would like to thank:
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Steven Spielberg for the exploding tower scene.
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Lucasfilm Productions for the scene where Yodel jumps off an
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airplane and freefalls for 10,000 Ft., before being
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gracefully caught by Captain Games T. Jerk.
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Paul Newmann for his special appearance as Rhonda.
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The producers of "Never say Never Again", for letting us use
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excerpts of the atomic explosion scene,
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and all other people who contributed to scenes which were cut
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out in the final editing.
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And last but not least, the two bright intelligent young
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humans who have managed, through hell and exams, to breathe
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life into an otherwise sorry episode of......
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StarTrek - The messed iteration.
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They are not as famous/rich as destiny has sought them to be
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and would therefore welcome any contribution greater than
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$49,999.99 (in cash).
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(StarTrek - The Next NeXT generation was filmed entirely on location in the
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Milky-Way Galaxy, before a live studio audience, at least until the
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old generation stepped in.)
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