519 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
519 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
Greetings!
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I see that you have my story, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Borg on your website.
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I wrote it in 1990 during the summer between the original airing of The Best of Both Worlds, Part One and Part Two. It is one of many stories that were posted in the Science Fiction form on CompuServe, as we tried to keep ourselves amused while waiting for Part Two.
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Oddly enough, the improbability factor is not a random number, but is the phone number of my parent's house, where I was living at the time. This is because the improbability factor used by Douglas Adams was the phone number of the flat he was living in when he wrote Hitchhiker's. (I personally believe that if you're going to do something like this, you have to do it properly. <g>)
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I noticed that your copy of the story is incomplete, so here's the full version.
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Chris
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- - - - -
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The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Borg.
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By Christopher Keavy.
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Starring Peter Jones as The Book.
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(Music: Journey of the Sorcerer)
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Narrator: It is of course a well known fact that The Hitchhiker's Guide
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to the Galaxy contains many omissions. Some people have asked how the
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Guide can contain an omission, since obviously, it can not contain
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something that isn't there. Nevertheless, this story is an attempt to
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fill one of those omissions, concerning an incident that occurred
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whilst Ford, Arthur, and Zaphod were on the starship Heart of Gold, but
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before they actually arrived on the planet Brontitall. This story has
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never been told before due to the fact that it happened in the
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future, and could not be revealed in the present. Since the time
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frame of that event has now gone by, and it is now in the past, we can
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reveal the events that transpired.
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Zaphod: OK, computer. Where are we?
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Eddie: Hi, there! I know this sounds highly improbable, but we seem to
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be inside another spaceship. In fact, since you ordered me to use
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maximum improbability to escape the Vogons, we've also managed to land
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right in the middle of their docking bay, at an improbability level of 2
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to the power of 5,086,362,826 to 1 against.
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Ford: With our luck, we moved backwards ever so slightly and landed in
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a Vogon ship.
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Eddie: No, its not the Vogons, this ship's too neat and tidy.
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Arthur: Can we hear what's going on out there? Are they doing anything
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about us?
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Eddie: Well, I can tap into their in-house communications and listen to
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the command centre.
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Zaphod: Do it!
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Narrator: Meanwhile, on the bridge of the starship Enterprise, an alarm
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was sounding.
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Riker: Data, what's happening? Worf, hold fire!
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Data: A spacecraft has just materialized in our hanger bay.
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Wesley: Not the blue box again?!?
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Data: No, Wesley. The ship is shaped differently, and is painted gold.
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Riker: Worf, let's listen to them and find out who they are.
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Worf: Sensors on in the hanger bay.
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(Several seconds of silence follow)
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Zaphod: I don't think anyone's up there.
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Wesley (simultaneous with Zaphod): I don't think anyone's down there.
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Ford: I just heard something while you were talking.
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Worf (simultaneous with Ford): I just heard something while you were
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talking.
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Arthur: Everyone quiet and listen.
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Riker (simultaneous with Arthur): Everyone quiet and listen.
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(Another several seconds of silence, a bit longer than the previous
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several seconds of silence)
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Zaphod: Stop monitoring, there's no one on board that ship.
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Riker (simultaneous with Zaphod): Stop monitoring, there's no one on
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board that ship.
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Zaphod: Computer, open the hatch. We're going to have a look around
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this derelict.
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(SFX: Communicator badge)
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Riker: Riker to security. Send some people down to the hanger bay and
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have a look at that derelict.
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Locutus: Improbability is irrelevant.
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Riker: Who mentioned improbability?
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Zaphod: Come on, you guys. I found a lift. Best of all, it doesn't
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talk back!
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(SFX: turblift door closes)
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Zaphod: Take us to the bridge!
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(SFX: lift running)
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Arthur: You might as well have said `Take us to the brig'.
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(SFX: lift stops, then starts)
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Ford: Nice going Arthur.
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Zaphod: Take us to the bridge!
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(SFX: lift stops and starts)
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Zaphod: Now keep quiet monkeyman.
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(SFX: lift opens)
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Worf: Who are you?
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Zaphod: I'm Zaphod Beeblebrox!
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Riker: Are you the captain of the ship in our hanger bay?
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Zaphod: I'm President of the Galaxy, man! Don't you watch the sub
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ether Tri-D TV?
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Riker: The what?
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Zaphod: Oh, Zarquon!
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Locutus: Prophets are irrelevant.
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(SFX: Lift door opens)
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(SFX: Clanking, grinding, dragging noise)
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Arthur: Marvin what are you doing here?
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Marvin: I was getting too bored about being depressed on the Heart of
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Gold, so I decided to be truly miserable about being depressed up here
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instead.
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Ford: Just what we need to cheer us up.
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Marvin: I'm not getting you down, am I?
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Zaphod: So who's the dude with the headgear?
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Riker: Our captain. He's been taken over by the Borg.
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Arthur: The Borg?
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Ford: Let's look it up in the book.
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Shelby: What book?
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Ford: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
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(SFX: book motif)
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Book: The Borg is a single mental entity whose sole function in life is
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to take over any civilisation it may stumble across, and turn the beings
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of that civilisation into cyborgs to repair and maintain their ships and
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computer equipment. If you are reading this entry, you have probably
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encountered a Borg and want to know what to do next. The best thing to
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do at this point is to place this copy of the Guide in a safe place, so
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that it will be of use to whoever may find it in the future, because
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your hitchhiking days are now over.
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Arthur: I'm beginning to hate that book.
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Zaphod: They don't seem like a happy bunch, do they?
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Marvin: I've tapped into it's computer system, and I'm feeling much
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more depressed now.
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Shelby: How can you tap the Borg computer?
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Marvin: I've only got a brain the size of a planet, but no one ever
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wants to make use of it.
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Data: Are you saying that you are not being used to your fullest
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capabilities?
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Marvin: It's the terrible pain in all the diodes down my left hand side
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that really makes me miserable.
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Arthur: Look, if the Borg are so depressing that they make Marvin seem
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cheerful, why don't we show them a really happy computer?
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Zaphod and Ford: The ship's computer!
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Ford: I'll go put Eddie on the sub ether computer link.
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(SFX: lift opens and closes)
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Zaphod: You know, you're starting to get the hang of all this.
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Arthur: Oh, really?
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Zaphod: Yeah. In fact, you're not a monkeyman any more. I'm promoting
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you to apeman.
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Arthur: Gee ... thanks ... I think ...
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(SFX: lift opens and closes. Ford charges across the hanger bay and
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into the Heart of Gold)
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Ford (slightly winded): Computer!
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Eddie: Hi, there! What can I do for you? Did you know there's a Borg
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ship right outside this one we're in?
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Ford: Yeah. Can you link up with the Borg computer? You know, discuss
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the weather, that sort of thing?
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Eddie: Sure thing! No problem!
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(SFX: computer noises)
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Eddie: Boy, that Borg is a real party pooper.
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Ford: Why don't you show it how to have a really good party, Pan
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Galactics for all, just everyone being cool and froody?
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Eddie: OK!
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(SFX: more computer noises)
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Narrator: And on the bridge of the Enterprise ...
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Riker: You're saying that you can defeat the Borg by hooking a computer
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to it?
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Zaphod: Trust me baby. Its all under control.
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Arthur: I think its starting to work. Those Borg are drinking Pan
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Galactic Gargle Blasters.
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Worf: The Borg units are having trouble standing up.
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Zaphod: Geez, haven't they ever had a good drink before?
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Wesley: Maybe the Borg always considered alcohol to be irrelevant.
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Data: Power levels on the Borg ship are fluctuating. It appears that
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the intoxication of the individual units is now causing feedback into
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the main system.
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Zaphod: Belgium! I never saw a drunk computer before!
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Worf: We are being hailed by the Heart of Gold, in the hanger bay.
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Riker: On speakers.
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Ford (through PA): Zaphod, Arthur. You'd better get down here. I just
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picked up a Galactic Police ship on the scanners.
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Zaphod: Yeah, right Ford. Come on apeman. You keep coming up with
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ideas like that, and I'll promote you again.
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Arthur (with only a mild trace of extra heavy sarcasm): I hope I'll be
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able to handle the excitement.
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(SFX: clanking, grinding, dragging noise)
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Marvin: I might as well go with you. No point in boring total
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strangers to death when I can be truly miserable with people I already
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despise instead.
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(SFX: lift opens and closes)
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(SFX: communicator badge)
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Riker: Riker to Dr. Crusher. Medical team to the transporter. You're
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going to bring the captain back.
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Data: The Heart of Gold has just improbbed out of our hanger bay, and
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the Police ship is changing course to pursue it.
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(Music: Journey of the Sorcerer)
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Narrator: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Borg was written by Christopher
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Keavy, based on the universes created by Douglas Adams and Gene
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Roddenberry. The show was produced by Geoffrey Perkins, and starred
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Peter Jones as The Book, Simon Jones as Arthur Dent, Geoffrey McGivern as
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Ford Prefect, Mark Wing-Davey as Zaphod Beeblebrox, Steven Moore as
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Marvin, the paranoid android, David Tate as Eddie, the shipboard
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computer, Jonathan Frakes as Commander Riker, Michael Dorn as Worf,
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Brent Spiner as Data, Wil Wheaton as Wesley, and some chick we dragged
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in off the sidewalk outside the studio as Shelby.
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Musical arrangements were by Paddy Kingsland, and sound effects by Alick
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Hale-Munro and his crack team of hardened drinkers at the BBC
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Radiophonic Workshop.
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Stay tuned for `The best of the worst Vogon poetry' being broadcast next
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over BBC Radio 4, unless someone comes up with something better within
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the next five minutes.
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(Music: Journey of the Sorcerer)
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- - - - -
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P.S. Here's another one that I wrote at about the same time. It was inspired by the fact the guy who played "Mad Dog" Murdock on The A-Team appeared twice as a crewmember on Star Trek Next Generation. It is still in the original format it was written in, a series of messages posted to CompuServe. You have my permission to add it to your site.
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- - - - -
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Subj: The A-way Team Section: Star Trek
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From: Chris Keavy 76100,2111 # 178877, 4 Replies
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To: All Date: 04/18/91 01:59:02
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Yes, its time for ... The A-way Team.
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Starring Lt. Barclay as Mad Dog Murdock.
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William Riker as Hannibal Smith.
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Worf as B. A. Baracus.
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and Data as Face.
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The away team was on the transporter platform, ready to beam
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down to the planet San Elvador. The mission was to rescue a team of
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Starfleet negotiators who had managed to negotiate themselves into a San
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Elvadoran prison. Just as O'Brien was about to send them down, the
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intercom sounded.
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`Bridge to transporter room.' Only one person on the ship could
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have such a commanding voice. `Do not beam down. The ion levels are
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increasing, and we won't be able to beam you back. You'll have to go by
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shuttlecraft.'
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Worf's reaction was as immediate as it was expected. `I ain't
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getting in no shuttlecraft with that fool, William!'
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O'Brien touched a control, and a blue gas spewed from the
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ceiling above Worf's head. He took one breath and collapsed. Data and
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Barclay supported him before he could fall to the deck.
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A few minutes later, Worf awoke to find himself strapped into a
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shuttlecraft chair. He tugged at the straps, then decided that he
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didn't need more black marks on his record for destruction of Federation
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equipment. Barclay was piloting, of course, and was spewing his usual
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random nonsense.
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`And I'm telling you, this baby can do loop the loops and barrel
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rolls, and you won't even feel it.'
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`Barclay,' said Riker, `We've got a job to do. Put us down in
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that clear spot on the mountain overlooking the prison. And don't let
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them see us.'
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`Righto, daddyo. I'll land this thing so softly you won't know
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we touched down.'
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Data looked up from the co-pilot's instruments and announced,
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`Now that we are below the level of the ion storm, I have a fix on the
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negotiators. They are all in the prison, but their life signs are
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weak.'
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`Right. We move out as soon as we land. Worf, you and Data go
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in through the back gate while Barclay and I create a diversion outside
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the front gate.'
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...To be continued...
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Subj: The A-way Team Section: Star Trek
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From: Chris Keavy 76100,2111 # 179906, * No Replies *
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To: Chris Keavy 76100,2111 Date: 04/21/91 23:35:05
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The A-way team, chapter two.
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`Oh, gee willikers, William, I always go create a
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diversion.', protested Barclay. `Why don't I go with Worf and Data
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can help you with the diversion?'
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`Sure, why not?'
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`If you get in the way or cause any trouble, I'm gonna eat
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you!', roared Worf.
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`I didn't know you Klingons practiced cannibalism', returned
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Barclay.
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`We don't. But in your case, I'll make an exception.'
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Riker knew this would go on all day if he didn't do
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something. `OK, you two, knock it off. Give us an hour to get into
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position, then move in.'
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Fifty-five minutes later, an old man and his wife approached the
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front gate of the prison. They insisted they were there to visit their
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son, but the guard got suspicious when he tried to push the woman away
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and found it was like trying to push a shuttlecraft. Twenty seconds
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later, Data and Riker were inside the prison, and the guard was yelling
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something about losing his keys to a pickpocket.
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Data and Riker threw off the peasant clothes that covered their
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uniforms and began firing their sub-machine phasers at anything that
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moved, and most things that didn't, while lobbing a few photon grenades
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every once in a while to add to the confusion. Although they never hit
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anyone, the effect was more than spectacular enough to bring all the
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guards to the front gate.
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Worf and Barclay heard the commotion and hurled themselves at
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the rear gate. While Barclay held his shoulder in agony, Worf barrelled
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through the gate and stopped inside. `Come on, fool! William and Data
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won't be able to hold them off forever!'
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`Now don't get over excited big fella, I'm just taking a
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tricorder reading. OK, they're this way.' He marched twenty steps,
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then turned left. `No, they're this way.' Worf shook his head and
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followed menacingly.
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At the front gate, Riker and Data found themselves a bit out
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gunned, and were forced to surrender.
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To be continued ...
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Subj: The A-way Team Section: Star Trek
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From: Chris Keavy 76100,2111 # 180770, * No Replies *
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To: Chris Keavy 76100,2111 Date: 04/24/91 19:11:15
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The A-way team, chapter three.
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While Barclay and Worf followed the tricorder readings to find
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the negotiators in the prison on San Elvador, Riker and Data were being
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thrown into the prison director's office.
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`So, you trick your way past my guards, fire sub-machine phasers
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all over the courtyard, toss photon grenades at all our equipment, and
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get captured without hurting a single person. It seems that Starfleet's
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military is even more pathetic than its negotiators. GUARD!! Put them
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in a cell somewhere.'
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The director took a second look at the guard as he herded Data
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and Riker out the door. He knew a few new men had arrived the week
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before, but that fellow with the ridges on his head was someone he
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hadn't met yet. He decided to have a meeting with the new men as soon
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as possible to get to know them.
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`Good work, Worf,' mumbled Riker, keeping his voice low so no
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one else would hear. `Are the negotiators all right?'
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`Barclay's taking them back to the shuttle. But getting you out
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of here won't be easy. They doubled the guards less than ten minutes
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after Barclay left.'
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Suddenly, Data froze in mid-step. Worf jabbed him with a
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phaser, but nothing happenned. Riker walked over to him and openned a
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panel in Data's side. `He just needs a little adjustment, nothing to
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worry about.'
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The guards along the corridor started laughing, making crude
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jokes about Starfleet robots, then they started falling as Riker spun
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around and began blasting them with the phaser he had taken from Data's
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hidden storage compartment. Data grabbed another phaser from within
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himself, and both he and Worf systematically took down the remaining
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guards.
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`Let's move it!', screamed Riker, as he charged toward the rear
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gate. Guards in the wall towers rained down a hail of phaser fire as
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the three men ran into the gate like a batterring ram . . . and nothing
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happenned.
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To be continued ...
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Subj: The A-way Team Section: Star Trek
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From: Chris Keavy 76100,2111 # 181626, * No Replies *
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To: Chris Keavy 76100,2111 Date: 04/28/91 00:40:19
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The A-way team, chapter four.
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Even Worf staggerred backwards after they failed to break down
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the rear gate of the prison. The solid wooden door hadn't budged at
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all.
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`You people are really pathetic!', screamed the prison director
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over the P.A. `Do you think we'd fall for the same thing twice? That
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door is a fake! We filled in the wall behind it.'
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He was cut off by a sudden swooshing noise, followed by several
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explosions that toppled the guard towers along the rear wall. Despite
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all the noise, no one could miss the loud `YAAHH-HHOOOO!' that came
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from the shuttlecraft as it did barrel rolls over the prison.
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After scattering everyone within a 50 meter radius, Barclay
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dropped a line from the shuttle door. Riker, Data, and Worf attached
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themselves to it. As the guards ran out of ammo, and started throwing
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their phaser rifles at the shuttle out of frustration, Barclay pulled
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the A-way team out of danger and back to a safe spot.
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It took no time at all to set the dangling crew members down on
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the ground and land the shuttle some 40 kilometers from the prison.
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Worf took one look at Barclay, and screamed, `You fool! What took you
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so long? We nearly got killed in there? And don't think I'm gonna ride
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in any shuttle you're piloting. I'll wait for the ion storm to pass so
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they can beam me ...'. His voice trailed off as Data touched a hypo to
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his neck and guided Worf to fall into one of the chairs while Barclay
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fired up the shuttle for liftoff.
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Riker took out a short, stubby paper wrapped wad of tobacco,
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stuck it between his lips, looked at the confused, but safe,
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negotiators, and boasted, `I love it when a plan comes together!'.
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THE END
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See how not to make an auction at http://members.cox.net/ckeavy |