264 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
264 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Borg.
|
|
|
|
By Christopher Keavy.
|
|
|
|
Starring Peter Jones as The Book.
|
|
|
|
(Music: Journey of the Sorcerer)
|
|
|
|
Narrator: It is of course a well known fact that The Hitchhiker's Guide
|
|
to the Galaxy contains many omissions. Some people have asked how the
|
|
Guide can contain an omission, since obviously, it can not contain
|
|
something that isn't there. Nevertheless, this story is an attempt to
|
|
fill one of those omissions, concerning an incident that occurred
|
|
whilst Ford, Arthur, and Zaphod were on the starship Heart of Gold, but
|
|
before they actually arrived on the planet Brontitall. This story has
|
|
never been told before due to the fact that it happened in the
|
|
future, and could not be revealed in the present. Since the time
|
|
frame of that event has now gone by, and it is now in the past, we can
|
|
reveal the events that transpired.
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: OK, computer. Where are we?
|
|
|
|
Eddie: Hi, there! I know this sounds highly improbable, but we seem to
|
|
be inside another spaceship. In fact, since you ordered me to use
|
|
maximum improbability to escape the Vogons, we've also managed to land
|
|
right in the middle of their docking bay, at an improbability level of 2
|
|
to the power of 5,086,362,826 to 1 against.
|
|
|
|
Ford: With our luck, we moved backwards ever so slightly and landed in
|
|
a Vogon ship.
|
|
|
|
Eddie: No, its not the Vogons, this ship's too neat and tidy.
|
|
|
|
Arthur: Can we hear what's going on out there? Are they doing anything
|
|
about us?
|
|
|
|
Eddie: Well, I can tap into their in-house communications and listen to
|
|
the command centre.
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: Do it!
|
|
|
|
Narrator: Meanwhile, on the bridge of the starship Enterprise, an alarm
|
|
was sounding.
|
|
|
|
Riker: Data, what's happening? Worf, hold fire!
|
|
|
|
Data: A spacecraft has just materialized in our hanger bay.
|
|
|
|
Wesley: Not the blue box again?!?
|
|
|
|
Data: No, Wesley. The ship is shaped differently, and is painted gold.
|
|
|
|
Riker: Worf, let's listen to them and find out who they are.
|
|
|
|
Worf: Sensors on in the hanger bay.
|
|
|
|
(Several seconds of silence follow)
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: I don't think anyone's up there.
|
|
|
|
Wesley (simultaneous with Zaphod): I don't think anyone's down there.
|
|
|
|
Ford: I just heard something while you were talking.
|
|
|
|
Worf (simultaneous with Ford): I just heard something while you were
|
|
talking.
|
|
|
|
Arthur: Everyone quiet and listen.
|
|
|
|
Riker (simultaneous with Arthur): Everyone quiet and listen.
|
|
|
|
(Another several seconds of silence, a bit longer than the previous
|
|
several seconds of silence)
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: Stop monitoring, there's no one on board that ship.
|
|
|
|
Riker (simultaneous with Zaphod): Stop monitoring, there's no one on
|
|
board that ship.
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: Computer, open the hatch. We're going to have a look around
|
|
this derelict.
|
|
|
|
(SFX: Communicator badge)
|
|
|
|
Riker: Riker to security. Send some people down to the hanger bay and
|
|
have a look at that derelict.
|
|
|
|
Locutus: Improbability is irrelevant.
|
|
|
|
Riker: Who mentioned improbability?
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: Come on, you guys. I found a lift. Best of all, it doesn't
|
|
talk back!
|
|
|
|
(SFX: turblift door closes)
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: Take us to the bridge!
|
|
|
|
(SFX: lift running)
|
|
|
|
Arthur: You might as well have said `Take us to the brig'.
|
|
|
|
(SFX: lift stops, then starts)
|
|
|
|
Ford: Nice going Arthur.
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: Take us to the bridge!
|
|
|
|
(SFX: lift stops and starts)
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: Now keep quiet monkeyman.
|
|
|
|
(SFX: lift opens)
|
|
|
|
Worf: Who are you?
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: I'm Zaphod Beeblebrox!
|
|
|
|
Riker: Are you the captain of the ship in our hanger bay?
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: I'm President of the Galaxy, man! Don't you watch the sub
|
|
ether Tri-D TV?
|
|
|
|
Riker: The what?
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: Oh, Zarquon!
|
|
|
|
Locutus: Prophets are irrelevant.
|
|
|
|
(SFX: Lift door opens)
|
|
|
|
(SFX: Clanking, grinding, dragging noise)
|
|
|
|
Arthur: Marvin what are you doing here?
|
|
|
|
Marvin: I was getting too bored about being depressed on the Heart of
|
|
Gold, so I decided to be truly miserable about being depressed up here
|
|
instead.
|
|
|
|
Ford: Just what we need to cheer us up.
|
|
|
|
Marvin: I'm not getting you down, am I?
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: So who's the dude with the headgear?
|
|
|
|
Riker: Our captain. He's been taken over by the Borg.
|
|
|
|
Arthur: The Borg?
|
|
|
|
Ford: Let's look it up in the book.
|
|
|
|
Shelby: What book?
|
|
|
|
Ford: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
|
|
|
|
(SFX: book motif)
|
|
|
|
Book: The Borg is a single mental entity whose sole function in life is
|
|
to take over any civilisation it may stumble across, and turn the beings
|
|
of that civilisation into cyborgs to repair and maintain their ships and
|
|
computer equipment. If you are reading this entry, you have probably
|
|
encountered a Borg and want to know what to do next. The best thing to
|
|
do at this point is to place this copy of the Guide in a safe place, so
|
|
that it will be of use to whoever may find it in the future, because
|
|
your hitchhiking days are now over.
|
|
|
|
Arthur: I'm beginning to hate that book.
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: They don't seem like a happy bunch, do they?
|
|
|
|
Marvin: I've tapped into it's computer system, and I'm feeling much
|
|
more depressed now.
|
|
|
|
Shelby: How can you tap the Borg computer?
|
|
|
|
Marvin: I've only got a brain the size of a planet, but no one ever
|
|
wants to make use of it.
|
|
|
|
Data: Are you saying that you are not being used to your fullest
|
|
capabilities?
|
|
|
|
Marvin: It's the terrible pain in all the diodes down my left hand side
|
|
that really makes me miserable.
|
|
|
|
Arthur: Look, if the Borg are so depressing that they make Marvin seem
|
|
cheerful, why don't we show them a really happy computer?
|
|
|
|
Zaphod and Ford: The ship's computer!
|
|
|
|
Ford: I'll go put Eddie on the sub ether computer link.
|
|
|
|
(SFX: lift opens and closes)
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: You know, you're starting to get the hang of all this.
|
|
|
|
Arthur: Oh, really?
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: Yeah. In fact, you're not a monkeyman any more. I'm promoting
|
|
you to apeman.
|
|
|
|
Arthur: Gee ... thanks ... I think ...
|
|
|
|
(SFX: lift opens and closes. Ford charges across the hanger bay and
|
|
into the Heart of Gold)
|
|
|
|
Ford (slightly winded): Computer!
|
|
|
|
Eddie: Hi, there! What can I do for you? Did you know there's a Borg
|
|
ship right outside this one we're in?
|
|
|
|
Ford: Yeah. Can you link up with the Borg computer? You know, discuss
|
|
the weather, that sort of thing?
|
|
|
|
Eddie: Sure thing! No problem!
|
|
|
|
(SFX: computer noises)
|
|
|
|
Eddie: Boy, that Borg is a real party pooper.
|
|
|
|
Ford: Why don't you show it how to have a really good party, Pan
|
|
Galactics for all, just everyone being cool and froody?
|
|
|
|
Eddie: OK!
|
|
|
|
(SFX: more computer noises)
|
|
|
|
Narrator: And on the bridge of the Enterprise ...
|
|
|
|
Riker: You're saying that you can defeat the Borg by hooking a computer
|
|
to it?
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: Trust me baby. Its all under control.
|
|
|
|
Arthur: I think its starting to work. Those Borg are drinking Pan
|
|
Galactic Gargle Blasters.
|
|
|
|
Worf: The Borg units are having trouble standing up.
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: Geez, haven't they ever had a good drink before?
|
|
|
|
Wesley: Maybe the Borg always considered alcohol to be irrelevant.
|
|
|
|
Data: Power levels on the Borg ship are fluctuating. It appears that
|
|
the intoxication of the individual units is now causing feedback into
|
|
the main system.
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: Belgium! I never saw a drunk computer before!
|
|
|
|
Worf: We are being hailed by the Heart of Gold, in the hanger bay.
|
|
|
|
Riker: On speakers.
|
|
|
|
Ford (through PA): Zaphod, Arthur. You'd better get down here. I just
|
|
picked up a Galactic Police ship on the scanners.
|
|
|
|
Zaphod: Yeah, right Ford. Come on apeman. You keep coming up with
|
|
ideas like that, and I'll promote you again.
|
|
|
|
Arthur (with only a mild trace of extra heavy sarcasm): I hope I'll b
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|