textfiles/sf/STARTREK/bizarret

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From: v130qh57@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (sandra guzdek)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: part 2, bizarre trek (also easy-to-read!)
Message-ID: <1992Mar28.173951.14236@acsu.buffalo.edu>
Date: 28 Mar 92 17:41:00 GMT
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as promised, part 2. i'm feeling brave.

for those of you who were wondering, i'm too lazy to hit the shift key on a 
regular basis.  :)  ;)  :)

enjoy....
as we left off, the enterprise tries furiously to find that fish....

[scene of exterior of ship]

picard [voice only, full of remorse]: captain's log, supplemental.
sweetlips, er, i mean beverly, has just been swept up by a strange race 
of aliens called the b'tins. they apparenly think, as i do,
that she is a goddess of some sort...

[cut to bridge, where picard is seen exiting from the ready-room.]

picard: mr. laforge, anything?

geordi [voice only]: captain, i'm picking up strange readings around the 
nutra system.

picard [hopeful]: do you think it's the enemy ship?

geordi: what?

picard [angrily]: the FISH! do you think it's the fish!?!

geordi: possibly. but i think it's the enemy ship we're sensing.

picard: PICARD OUT. [he storms over towards troi, mumbling] when the hell 
is going to get his H.E.A.D.P.H.O.N.E. fixed???? [turns to troi] counselor, 
when they were on screen, did you get any feelings of malice towards 
beverly?

troi: and why should THEY have to be on screen for me---oh, malice from 
THEM.....well, what do *i* look like, a mind-reader? [she dons a pair of 
round framed sunglasses and kicks back with jack kerouac's _on the road_.]

[picard turns to a not-before-seen ensign at a console, overlooking worf's 
shoulder.]

picard: who are you?

anson: i'm ensign anson, sir.

picard: what are you doing on the bridge?

anson: i'm the requisite expendable ensign that will get phasered later on 
in the show, sir.

picard: oh. fine job, keep it up. [he pats anson on the back, then goes to 
sit in his chair, and starts playing with the craftmatic-like controls] 
ensign, set a course for the nutra system, warp 3.

riker: uh, 5, sir.

picard: warp 5. engage. [pauses as they leap forward in space.] well--- the 
most we can do is wait.


[hours pass]

data [tiredly]: what now, sir?

picard [looking anxious and restless]: let's....step up to red alert, then 
back down again. evacuate all upper decks, and then as soon as they're out, 
tell 'em to report to stations. that'll amuse us and keep them on their toes.

riker [with a goofy grin]: all RIGHT!

[the crew is poised and ready to clap-on when a beep is heard from worf's 
console.]

worf: sir, we're being hailed again.

[pan to his right where a group of officers are on their knees, kowtowing 
to the crew]

picard [under his breath] damnable timing. [louder] ah, i suppose we should 
open a channel.

[everyone on the deck pulls out a can of beer and cracks it open]

picard: i said a channel, not a budweiser.

troi: but they *do* sound so similar, sir. sorry.

[screen flashes on to reveal the interior of the female locker room on 
board the enterprise. flustered, picard presses a button and the regal 
figure of the alien king replaces it.]

king: silly picard-captain. you think you can just take back our queen. MY 
queen. you are very wrong!

[beverly comes proudly out, adorned in rich fabrics and gold and jewels.]
[her outfit is also VERY sexy.]

picard [to himself]: yowsa.

beverly: hello, jean-luc.

picard [slapping his communicator]: cheif o'brien, lock on...

beverly [wearily]: don't bother. i'm sick of sitting around, day in, day 
out, waiting for YOU. my king here will give me whatever i *want*, and 
compared to you, he's got one of the biggest----

picard [quickly]: BEVERLY!

beverly [continuing]: ----shiniest chrome-domes than any i've seen in the 
galaxy. 

[king removes regal head gear---head glows, radiates like a supernova]
[all of the crew's eyes are wide with disbelief]

data: my gosh, i didn't think that possible......

[picard seethes]

beverly: goodbye, picard. better luck with deanna.

troi [not looking away from her book, under her breath]: fat chance, 
cue-ball.

[picard's face distorts in the realization of something very important]

picard: o'brien.......NOW!

[at once, beverly appears beside picard]

picard: sheilds up!

[crew all throw bars of deodorant soap into the air]

king: what is the meaning of this?

data: if you don't know what "this" means, you really ought not to be the 
king....

worf [standing, arms in the air]: what is the meaning of any of this? why 
must one being be at odds with another? why must we fight? are we not all 
mortal, do we not all bleed---

all: SHUT UP!

[beverly rubs her head, and looks disoriented]

beverly: what's happened?

picard: buttertongue, you're back on the enterprise. [lowers volume] go 
wait for me in the ready room...i'll...give you a...complete 
physical...make sure they haven't hurt you anywhere....
[the side of his mouth is curled up in a grin]

[beverly smiles, and scoots away joyfully]

data [aside to riker]: cappy's getting it....

king: so, how did you know?

data: well-- it is pretty obvious...

king: no, i meant, how did you know beverly was....

picard [proudly]: under a strange influence? simple. when she's dressed as 
she is, she's not *physically* able to call me anything else than 
jean-luc.... 
but she called me "picard"; and i knew something was wrong.

king: rats! if it hadn't been for you meddling---

picard: get the hell outta my space. [channel closes] ensign anson, put us 
on a course for the sega-genesis system. [he tugs down his shirt and heads 
for ready-room]

[anson does so]

anson: but sir, what about....?

picard: oh, RIGHT. [pulls out a phaser and zaps him]

anson [in a dying croak]: carry on, sir.

picard: riker, you have the bridge.

riker [whining, pouting]: but i don't WANT the bridge!

data [wearily]: *i'll* drive.

picard [with an anticipatory grin on his face]: ENGAGE.

************************************************************************

thus endeth the story. please e-mail me with your opinion, good or bad. i'm 
feeling up for it.
copyright 1992 by sandra g. don't even think about scamming it....
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
sandra g.                    .  .          
ub illustration            \______/   buffalo, ny
                                      username:v130qh57@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu  
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"if women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the 
beginning of our menstrual cycle when the female hormone is at its lowest 
level, then why isn't it logical to say that, in those few days, women 
behave most like the way men behave all month long?"
                                                     --gloria steinem
:):):):):):):):):):) ;) :):):):):):):):):):):):) ;) :):):):):):):):):):)
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