268 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
268 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
STAR WHORES
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or LAST TANGO ON TATOOINE
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by Jefferson Morris
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C3PO stepped out the oil bath slowly, savoring the feeling of
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his newly-lubricated servomotors and gears sliding sensuously in
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place. Ignoring the towel offered to him by R2 (who carefully
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averted his baleful blue eye), 3PO stepped demurely over to Luke.
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"Luke."
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"Call me Master, bitch."
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"I see, Sir Luke."
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Luke slapped 3PO sharply.
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"What do I look like, a Jedi knight? Come on."
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3PO gently reached down with one glistening gold hand,
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caressing the bulge beneath Luke's sand-worn utility belt. He
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smoothed Luke's khaki pants, then moved his hand up to a small
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device hanging on the belt.
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"Would you like to restrain me, Master?"
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Luke gripped the restraining bolt activator tightly,
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extricating it from 3PO's grasp.
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"What about the condensers on the North Ridge, Master?"
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"Fuck 'em."
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Luke gently flicked the switch. With a metallic shudder,
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barely perceptible in the waning light of the twin sunset, 3PO was
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immobilized. Luke waved a hand in front of his eyes.
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"Are your speech centers still activated?"
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"Yes, Master."
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"I want it in Bocce."
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"Suuejik gelia iksta moom." (I'm hot and ready)
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"You like it with humans, don't you, whoredroid?"
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"Suuejik huis napra refilia." (I fuckin' love it)
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Luke dropped to one knee, his eyes fixed on 3PO's gleaming
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groin. He licked it brusquely, leaving a filmy swath of saliva
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over its glistening sheen, obscuring the reflection of his own
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flushed visage. He pried 3PO's codpiece loose and began chanting
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rhythmically, breathlessly.
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"I'm gonna get a dianoga, and I'm gonna have the dianoga fuck
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you. And the dianoga's gonna vomit in your face, and I want you to
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swallow the vomit. You gonna do that for me?"
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"Woon." (Yes) 3PO tingled at the thought of the dianoga's
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long, slimy tentacles wrapping themselves around him, its red,
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bulging penis (often mistaken for an eye on a stalk) forcing itself
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into his warm metallic confines.
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"I want the dianoga to die while you're fucking him. Then I
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want you to go behind and smell the dying farts of a dianoga. You
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gonna do all that for me?"
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"Woon, iksta baga lampeel. Baga lampeel!" (Yes, and more
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than that. And more!)
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Luke gripped his modestly-sized penis. As soft and shapeless
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as a dead mynock. He snorted.
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"I'm not hard yet, whoredroid. Tell me a story. Something
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dirty that'll get me going."
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"I'm sorry sir, I'm really just an interpreter, and not very
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good at telling dirty stories."
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Luke looked up at him, his eyes shining. "You know what I did
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to my last protocol droid?"
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"No, master."
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"Disintegrated his ass. Improvise, whoredroid."
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3PO's circuits began blazing, trying to come up with
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something. He began shaking with the effort.
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"Well master, uh...a long time ago..."
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"Yeah?" Luke began masturbating listlessly.
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"On a planet...really far away..."
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"Go on, whore."
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"There was this new hope for, uh...Actually it was a dark time
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for the...Rebellious Fighters."
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"Which was it?"
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"Well it was a dark time...but there was also a new hope. The
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Rebellious Fighters had just...stolen the blueprints for a space
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station built by the...the evil Galaxy Federation."
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Luke dropped his flaccid penis. "You're right, you can't tell
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stories for shit. Well, you had your chance." Luke wearily got to
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his feet.
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"Viilesa japsta womoni pustell iks bambam." (Master, I am
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fluent in over 6 million forms of fellatio)
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"Save it for the Spice Mines of Kessel. Or maybe I'll just
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blast you into...who-the-fuck-knows-what." Luke unhooked his
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blaster from his belt, and put it on its highest setting. 3PO
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began trembling.
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"Viilesa, gradoo!" (Master, wait!)
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"Now what the fuck?"
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"R2 is projecting some kind of message."
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"Yeah, right."
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"The message appears to be important. A young lady."
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"Is she hot?"
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3PO shrugged. "Nothing to shout about."
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"Shut the fuck up, then. Fucking protocol bullshit. I told
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Uncle Asshole I didn't want another babbling protocol 'bot. But
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whatever Luke wants, he has to do the opposite. Sometimes I wish
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some Imperials would burn his wrinkled ass down with a blaster on
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low. Set me free from this shithole. I'd lick their boots clean."
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"Human-cyborg relations, huh kid?" The familiar voice
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startled Luke. He whipped his head around. A dark figure stood in
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the corner of the bay, leaning insouciantly on Luke's T-16.
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Slowly, he stepped out of the shadows.
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"Good with droids is one thing. Good with the living. That's
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something else." Solo's disarming, lopsided grin spread over his
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handsome face. Luke's heart sped up a beat.
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"Feel like partying, Solo?"
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"Kid, I been from one end of the galaxy to the other, I've
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seen some pretty strange stuff, but..."
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"Save it, Han. Smuggle anything in your ass lately?"
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"Try smuggling this, kid. Beru said it was a treasure more
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precious than stolen data tapes." Han pulled his perfectly
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circumcised cock out from behind his zipper. It glistened with
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pre-ejaculate, the urethra hanging slightly open like an expectant
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mouth. It reminded Luke of the new vaporator he had installed on
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the South Ridge last week, protruding from the landscape and
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hungrily sucking moisture from the parched Tatooine air.
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"What a piece of junk."
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"It's the dick that made the Kessel run in less than 12
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parsecs. It may not look like much, but it's got it where it
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counts, kid. I've made a few special modifications myself."
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"Tired of Wookies, huh?"
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"You should talk, puttin' the moves on Goldenrod. Next you'll
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be programming binary load lifters and shaking down jawas for
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landspeeder rides. I shudder."
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"You think I dig mechanicals? I was just about to burn this
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metal prickteaser down."
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Han pulled his own blaster from its holster. "I could help
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you with that." He flipped the safety off.
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3PO's eyes widened...
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The blasts illuminated the bay like a flashbulb. 3PO's limbs
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scattered in all directions. A whiff of ozone settled over the
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room. Luke and Han put away their guns.
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"What are you gonna tell your uncle?"
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"I don't know. I'll tell him it had a bad motivator. Won't
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be the first time."
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"Beru tells me your uncle has a bit of a bad motivator
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himself."
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"Yeah, she gets the itch bad. Put the moves on me once."
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"No shit, kid. How was she?"
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"Dry as the South Ridge. We almost caught fire. The low
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point of my otherwise shitty life. Why do you think I'm hustling
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droids?"
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Han slapped his thigh. "Today's your lucky day, kid. You
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ever make it with a Corellian?"
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"Can't remember."
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"What are you waiting for, a writ from the Emperor?"
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Luke strode over and gripped Han's shaft, which seemed to
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squirm in his hand like an exotic fish. It swelled with blood, as
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if it was taking a breath.
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"You're hung like a ewok, for Christ's sake. The Sarlacc
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wouldn't swallow this."
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Han smirked. "You've sucked off so many Womp Rats, you don't
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know a real dick when you see it. I've made Tauntauns blush."
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"No wonder they call you 'Hand Solo.' I've got a bad feeling
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about this." Luke held Han's cock between thumb and forefinger,
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examining it clinically.
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"What did you expect, an ion cannon? If you can't make it to
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hyperspace it won't be my fault, kid. You've been stretched by
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every Snaggletooth and Stormtrooper in the sector. Show me one toy
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in this bay that wasn't bought with some lonely Imperial fruit's
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per diem, and I'll eat a bowl of Wampa shit. They've got your
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biography up in the cantina bathroom. You should read it
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sometime."
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"I wrote some of it."
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"Is it true you can ride a Bantha through your ass?"
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"On a warm day."
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"On this dust ball? You got any Banthas around?"
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"I'm off Banthas. Krayt dragons are my kick now."
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"Then don't blame me. Use the Force. Either that or hit the
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bricks and open up a leather bar in the Jundland Wastes."
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Luke began working Han's cock in his hand, kneading it like
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dough. Han closed his eyes.
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"How's Biggs?" Han's voice was barely a whisper.
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"Big as ever. He's still working drunk Tuskan Raiders on
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weekends. Saving up for the Academy."
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"And that old Jap fossil you used to hang with? Oki-Ben
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Whatshisname?"
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"That wizard's just a horny old man. Stumbles through Mos
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Eisley babbling about the Clone Wars and showing minors his
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'lightsaber.' Needs the Force to get it up. Then he feeds 'em a
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line of shit about how their fathers were Jedis, and how they were
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offed by 'a pupil of mine, before he turned to evil, blah blah
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blah.' Can you believe he still catches people with that shit?"
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"So you got the fuck out?"
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"Fuck yeah. Split when I found him with Greedo's cock
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mysteriously stuck up his ass. 'Vital to the survival of the
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rebellion,' he said." Luke shook his head. "Old bastard."
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"Tough break, kid. What was your father, anyway?"
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"A navigator on a spice freighter."
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"Another space-lifer, huh? Whatever happened to him?"
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"Got gang-fucked to death by a bunch of bounty hunters on Ord
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Mantell. So they say."
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"Sorry to hear that, kid."
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"I don't give a shit anymore."
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"Well in that case..." Han's right hand slid slowly into
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Luke's pants, playing over his soft buttocks.
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"Let me hang you, Luke."
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Luke shrugged. "Boring conversation, anyway."
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*********
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Luke slowly extracted the hydrospanner from his rectum, then
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fell with a fluid, sated plop, piss and shit running over his
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thighs. Han waved an arm in front of his face.
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"What an incredible smell you've discovered."
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"Fuck you, Corellian."
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Han was already lighting up a Tibanna gas pipe. He held the
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gas in his lungs, then passed the pipe to Luke.
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"Good shit. I've got a connection on Bespin."
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"Who doesn't?" Luke inhaled sharply, nearly coughing.
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"So what are you gonna do now, kid?"
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"I don't know. Stick around one more season, tops. Maybe
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join the Imperial Legion. A lot of new jobs on that Death Star."
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"I hear you can't see shit out of those helmets. A pregnant
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Dewback could be lying next to you and you wouldn't notice unless
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you looked right at it. And the armor is shit. You take a drained
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blaster shot in the ankle and you're galactically fucked."
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"Well...it's a living, right?"
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"That it is, kid. That it is." Han blew a smoke ring at the
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ceiling, then coughed. "What about that Jedi thing? You still
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blindfolding yourself and letting remotes zap you in the ass?"
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"I'd rather blow a dead Ugnaught in a sandcrawler's john."
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"No, in other words?"
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"I can't believe I was once that stupid."
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"Believe it."
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"Eat me."
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Han and Luke sat in silence. Luke reached for a tissue, and
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wiped semen from his hand, frowning.
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"My uncle smells you on me and I won't eat for a month. I'll
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be bumming rootleaf at the Toshi station."
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Han slapped his knees with both hands and got up.
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"Where are my shorts, kid?"
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"Fuck should I know?"
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Han found his clothes and began dressing. He squinted at R2.
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"You know, that droid over there has been playing the same
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message over and over all night."
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"I'm gonna have its memory erased. Never buy from a drunk
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Jawa."
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"Who's the chick? Wouldn't mind smuggling something in her."
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"Some princess."
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"A message for you? Shit, kid, I'd go for it."
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"With my luck we're probably related."
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"Well then, you think a princess and a guy like me..."
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Luke blew a raspberry. "Probably only fucks other members of
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the Alderaanian royal family. Gotta preserve the bloodline."
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"I was on Alderaan once, on leave from the fleet. Couldn't
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get a spice-addicted whore for 1000 credits. Corellian come ain't
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tasty enough, I guess. Everybody there thinks they shit ice cream.
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Somebody ought to blow up that fucking planet."
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"Amen. Maybe I'll deactivate that droid and make it into a
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waste disposal unit."
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Han began dancing around the room, pitching his voice like a
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little girl. "'Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope! Help
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me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi,
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I just blew the pope!"
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Luke laughed, and sucked the last wisp out of the pipe.
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"This bud's dead."
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Han abruptly stopped dancing. "Yeah, I better get back.
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Chewie's probably pulled someone's prick out of its socket by now.
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Never should have bought that chess game. Need anything?"
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"Just somebody to teleport me off this fucking rock. If
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there's an asshole of the universe, we're on the planet that's
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closest to it."
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"10,000 credits and I'll take you. You're pretty good in bed.
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I could use you."
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"You think your dick is made of carbonite? I'll pass."
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"What are you gonna do?"
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"Pick my ass and eat it, I guess. So long, Solo."
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Han's voice was suddenly serious. "May the Force be with you,
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kid."
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Luke spat a brownish lunger on the floor. "Stick the Force up
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your ass."
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Han grinned, flipped Luke the bird, and left.
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