74 lines
4.9 KiB
Plaintext
74 lines
4.9 KiB
Plaintext
A CHILDHOOD FEAR TURNED FETISH
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I am 60, strongly heterosexual, handsome I am told, divorced ten years after a
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very successful 29 year marriage which died of inattention, both mine and hers.
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There are three grown children, all normal and taking care of themselves. So,
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with all this normalness, what's the problem? Well, there is no problem. I
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simply submit this narrative as evidence that fetishism can be (and probably is)
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a part of every "normal" life, although my reading on the subject suggests that
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it is probably stronger among males than among females.
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Not being a psychologist, any analysis I might make herein is based on a
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layman's interest and hinges purely on the reading I have done over the years.
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I have never seen a reference to the fetish I am about to describe in any
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literature from Havelock Ellis to Psychology Today. Thus a forum member might
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just find himself here and come away happier in the knowledge that he is not
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alone and discard the notion that he might be some kind of a "freak".
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Based upon the well established fact that fetishes are imbedded in the
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subconscious during early childhood, perhaps even in infancy, I will recollect
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some early experiences.
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I distinctly recall a strong fear, as a child, of any sudden impending
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explosion, e.g. a magician on the stage about to fire a gun, a clown with a
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gadget that I knew was going to explode before the act was over, a chum
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inflating a balloon, etc. My two older brothers easily observed my panic at
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these times and when they were in a mood to tease me they would exploit my
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terror accordingly, as big brothers will do. I fully understand that this fear
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is very common among children. The only little detail I might add is that the
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terror was greatly enhanced if I did not know WHEN the explosion would take
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place. In fact I had no fear whatsoever of firecrackers or any situation that
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was in my own complete control. The uncertainty seems to have been the key.
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Beginning at about age 10-12, puberty, I began to be fascinated with toy
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balloons. I knew nothing, of course, of fetishism. At this time, the early
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fear was still there, but was strangely accompanied by sexual arousal. I still
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recall several birthday parties at which my pals blew up balloons for fun. It
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was at this stage that I realized there was an association with attractive
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girls. The most powerful arousal I can remember was at such a party where an
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aggressive girl whom I liked very much inflated a large balloon until it popped.
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I held my ears, as did everyone else, and was glad that no one paid any
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attention to me and my intense arousal. That experience remains in my conscious
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mind even today! Over the teen years, I had a variety of experiences which very
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certainly established the toy balloon as a fetish for me. I recall watching
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dime store clerks (female) blow up balloons at the toy counter while I pretended
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to browse, trying to talk my girlfriend into blowing one up "just for fun".
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Actually any such experience served as a masturbation fantasy later in the
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privacy of my bedroom. The combination of fear and arousal remained, although
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in every case the latter predominated. Fear made the adrenalin flow and arousal
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raised the blood pressure, a delicious combination.
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I was not sexually active in my teens and my wife was the first real-life
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experience I had had. I think she probably knew of my quirk, but never at any
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time showed any signs of exploiting it. Oh, what a thrill it might have been
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for her to blow up a balloon for us as part of our foreplay! Remember, this was
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prior to the sexual revolution when no one talked about such "unnatural" things
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as fetishes. I am convinced that such plain talk about our secret fantasies
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might have prevented our marriage from becoming stale.
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In the past ten years, I have had two lovers and each of them was receptive to
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the idea of exchanging fantasies. This, of course, has been fantastic for me in
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two ways. First I am able to indulge in my own "live" fantasy which, by the
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way, is every bit as exciting as it is in my dreams and also am able to give my
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partner her wants and desires. One of them thought all of this was kind of
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silly but the other really got into it. We "took turns" pleasing each other.
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Unfortunately, she and I are not compatible in too many other ways and are not
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willing to commit our lifetimes to each other.
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So, what have we here? I believe that the perfectly normal childhood fear of
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unanticipated pops and bangs transformed itself into a powerful sexual fetish
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which remains in my subconscious today at age 60. The intense fear has greatly
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subsided but the arousal remains. I am long past the stage of believing that I
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am "unusual" because any student of psychology will ask you to name an inanimate
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object and will then tell you that someone somewhere in the world is possessed
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by that object as a sexual fetish. Any comments??
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