89 lines
4.0 KiB
Plaintext
89 lines
4.0 KiB
Plaintext
The Virtues of a Cucumber
|
|
Submitted by Lexi
|
|
|
|
I keep getting asked about the poster in my bathroom ("Why A Cucumber Is
|
|
Better Than A Man"). Then I noticed this book on sale: Cucumbers are Better
|
|
than Men Because.. I give up. Here's some of the distilled wisdom on
|
|
cucumbers (phrasing has been changed to protect against copyright
|
|
infringement).
|
|
|
|
Cucumbers will stay hard for more than a week. A cucumber is usually at
|
|
least six inches long. Cucumbers don't tell you size doesn't count.
|
|
Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, hair dresser, or tennis
|
|
instructor.
|
|
|
|
A cucumber won't ask about your previous lover, or speculate about
|
|
the next.
|
|
A cucumber won't make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the
|
|
fridge. A cucumber won't proposition your best friend. A cucumber doesn't
|
|
want to improve your mind. A cucumber doesn't care if you don't shave your
|
|
legs. A cucumber won't bug you about losing weight or going to exercise
|
|
class. A cucumber can stay up all night.
|
|
With a cucumber, you don't have to sleep on the wet spot.
|
|
Cucumbers can't carry a cold or the clap -- they grow
|
|
their own penicillin. A cucumber won't tell you a vasectomy
|
|
will ruin it for him.
|
|
A cucumber won't tell you he had a vasectomy when he really didn't.
|
|
A cucumber won't use your toothbrush, deodorant, or hair spray.
|
|
A cucumber doesn't leave hair in your sink or a ring in your bathtub.
|
|
A cucumber won't serve to your backhand.
|
|
Cucumbers grow in "it"; they aren't full of it.
|
|
A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
|
|
With a cucumber, you'll never find used jogging shorts in your lingerie.
|
|
A cucumber doesn't expect you to do his laundry.
|
|
A cucumber never asks your age.
|
|
No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
|
|
|
|
You can fondle a cucumber in the supermarket, and know how firm it is
|
|
before you take it home. A cucumber will never give you a hickey. A
|
|
cucumber can get away any weekend. With a cucumber, you don't have
|
|
to check in as "Mrs. Cucumber."
|
|
|
|
You can go to the movies with a cucumber, and see the movie. A cucumber
|
|
won't eat all the popcorn and send you out for nachos.
|
|
A cucumber will always respect your privacy, and not want to
|
|
do it in unusual places.
|
|
A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
|
|
|
|
Cucumbers never need a round of applause. Cucumbers never suffer from
|
|
performance anxiety. A cucumber doesn't ask "Was I the best?"
|
|
A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
|
|
With a cucumber, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
|
|
Cucumbers don't compare notes.
|
|
|
|
Cucumbers don't have sex hangups, and aren't into chains
|
|
and leather and talking dirty.
|
|
A cucumber won't make you wear kinky clothes.
|
|
|
|
You can have as many cucumbers a night as you can handle.
|
|
You can eat a cucumber whenever you feel like it.
|
|
|
|
A cucumber won't ask for a transfer just when you're
|
|
in line for a promotion.
|
|
A cucumber doesn't care if you make more money than he does.
|
|
A cucumber doesn't bum cigarettes and ask you to cook dinner.
|
|
A cucumber won't switch channels from your soaps to "All Star Wrestling."
|
|
Cucumbers don't turn your sewing room into a gym,chill
|
|
their Nikes in your fridge, or lift weights by hoisting
|
|
you over their head.
|
|
A cucumber doesn't call with "I have to work
|
|
tonight" and then come home totally sloshed.
|
|
A cucumber doesn't lose its firmness when pickled.
|
|
|
|
A cucumber doesn't ask "Can we try something new?"
|
|
A cucumber doesn't have allergies to your cat.
|
|
A cucumber doesn't leave whisker burns, drool on your
|
|
sheets, or fall asleep in the middle of a conversation.
|
|
Cucumbers don't ask for breakfast in bed.
|
|
|
|
A cucumber doesn't make *you* go to the 7-11.
|
|
You'll never find out later that your cucumber is still married.
|
|
A cucumber won't call you Jill when your name is Nancy.
|
|
A cucumber doesn't expect you to play Florence nightingale.
|
|
|
|
Well, I'm yet to meet a cucumber who felt rejected because I didn't feel like
|
|
eating it just then.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|