217 lines
9.4 KiB
Plaintext
217 lines
9.4 KiB
Plaintext
_The Unsinkable Cassiopeia, Pt. I, Section A, Chapter 1, Subsection (b)_
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(Last time, we left our heroes, Rocky and Bullwinkle, at the brink
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of...oh, never mind.)
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"Ship ahoy, Captain." Sez the extra.
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"Who is it? Can you make out his color?" Shouted the Dread Pirate Thoth.
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"Hold on...It's HIM!"
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Him. That can only mean one person. The person who is the dreadest
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pirate on the Seven Seas, dreader than even dread pirate Thoth himself.
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The person whose name is fearfully whispered by shipping merchants while
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checking behind their backs. The person whose name sends shivers down
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the spines of the sailors of the royal fleet. The person whose name is
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used to scare little children when they don't behave. The person whose
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name sends dogs, cats, and other assorted animals scurrying for cover,
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whimpering all the while. The person whose name is...
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Mr. Bubble.
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Captain Thoth and Orbis stood by the rails and watched the majestic galley,
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the Porcelain Piscina, glide effortlessly and silently, except for the
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sails batting in the wind, the creaking of the hull, and the grunting of
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the sailors hard at work, toward them. Thoth wondered why Mr. Bubble would
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be sailing in this part of the world. His questions will be answered
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shortly, as the Porcelain Piscina slid close to the Ayukawa Madoka. Thoth
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watched silently as several people climbed into a rowboat that has been
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lowered into the water. He watched as the rowboat slowly made its way
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across the intervening water, to rest next to Madoka. Thoth watched as
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the people in the rowboat watched him expectantly. Thoth watched. People
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watched. Thoth watched.
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"Um, Captain, shouldn't we lower a rope ladder or somethin'?" Inquired
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Orbis.
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"Hmm? Oh, yes, of course. Hey you!" Thoth hollered to one of his crew,
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"throw down a rope ladder or somethin'!"
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Thoth watched as the rope ladder uncoiled like a whip down the side of
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the ship, coming to rest just above the heads of the people below. Thoth
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watched as they climbed, one by one, up the side of his ship. The first
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one over the rail was a flunky, probably there as a catapult fodder, should
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anything go awry. Next up was a person of some authority, but Thoth did
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not recognize him. Then Mr. Bubble himself mounted the deck (OK, get your
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mind out of the sewers. I meant he arrived on board). Thoth strode up
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to grasp Mr. Bubble's hand and clasp him on the back.
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"It's been a long time, Bubble."
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"Not long enough." Bubble breathed under his breath. "I'd like you to
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meet my first officer," Bubble said, waving toward the second person that
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came aboard.
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"Ah, you must be Bi Gal." Thoth extended his hand.
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"Um, that's 'Big Al.'" Corrected Big Al, taking Thoth's hand in a firm
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grip.
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"Oh, sorry, ol' chap. Bubble misspelled your name in his Eel-Mail." Thoth
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then turned his attention back to Mr. Bubble. "What brings you to this part
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of the woods?"
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Mr. Bubble looked around for the lumber to which Thoth was referring to,
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but seeing none. He nonetheless tried to answer the question: "We are
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looking for the Kitty Litter. Rumor has it that the fair Princess
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Cassiowhatshernameia is on board." Mr. Bubble leered, "I intend to get
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my hands on her fair...feet."
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Thoth scratched his temple uncomfortably. "Uh, well, the Kitty Litter
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is probably about 100 leagues under where your ship is right now, and
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descending rapidly."
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"??!" Bubble ??!ed.
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"We sort of got into a disagreement. Apparently their hull disagreed with
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my flaming catapult munitions." Thoth sounded apologetic.
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"Jeez, you didn't let them all drown, did you? Tell me you at least saved
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the princess!" Babble exclaimed.
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"Hell no, I didn't let them all drown," Thoth responded indignantly, "what
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kind of monster do you think I am??? I saved all the women, tortured all
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the men, and only let all the children drown. Sheesh."
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"Does...does that mean you have the princess?" Mr. Bubble slobbered.
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"Yes," Thoth wiped off some of the slobber that came flying across, "but
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the operative phrase here is '_I_ have the princess', get it?" Thoth
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glared menacingly.
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Mr. Bubble narrowed his eyes and carefully evaluated Thoth. "Sure, buddy,
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I wouldn't want to see Ayukawa Madoka going down anymore than I would
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want to see the Porcelain Piscina go down over some floozy." (hey, don't
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get mad at me, Cass, I didn't say it. Bubble said it.)
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"Well...OK." Thoth agreed suspiciously.
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"Excellent! Now, would you mind if I take a look at her? I would love
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to admire her beauty, even if I can't have her."
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"Sure. This way." Thoth led Mr. Bubble and Big Al over to where the
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princess was tethered. Cassiopeia looked up through her sweaty and
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matted bangs at the approaching gang of hoodlums.
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"GAWD! What a beauty!" Gasped Mr. Bubble. "You sure I can't interest
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you in a trade or something? I've got a shipload of kumquats that we
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just rescued from a fruit slaver that I'll trade for her."
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"A shipload of kumquats, eh? Very tempting, but no. I like my prize."
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Thoth ogled at the exposed princess.
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"What are these?" Big Al bent close to Cassiopeia's chest, staring
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intently at her breasts.
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"Um, those are breasts, or commonly referred to as 'tits' or 'boobs'."
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Thoth turned to Mr. Bubble and whispered, "you know, I think your first
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officer has a few screws loose."
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"No no no, not those," Big Al said as he poked his finger at the welts
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on her chest, causing her to wince in pain, "these...these welts. The
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pattern looks like that of the L. A. freeway system."
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"The who?" Thoth stared.
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"The what?" Mr. Bubble stared.
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"The L. A. freeway system. It is from a legend. L. A. was a fabled city
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of extreme riches and extreme poverty. Assortment of warriors lived at
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this place. The freeway system was an arena where the warriors would take
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their armored horses and do battle daily with other warriors. You can
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find references to it in the Ancient Guides of Thomas." Big Al rambled.
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Thoth and Mr. Bubble looked at each other and shrugged.
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"Anyway, Thoth, would you mind if I play with your new toy a bit?" Asked
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Bubble eagerly.
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"Well, as long as all her digits and limbs are in the correct places after
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you're done. Also, no permanent damage. It's not nice to damage other
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kids' toys, you know." Thoth advised motherly.
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"Great!" Mr. Bubble then turned to one of his crew that he brought on
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board. "Get me my equipment. Oh, and get one of the Tools."
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The sailor disappeared back over the railing, then reappeared moments later
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with a sack over his shoulder. He placed the sack on the deck and started
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rummaging through it.
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"Which one would you like, o' master? The purple one?"
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"No, that's too small. This calls for The Big One, The Tools Majora.
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Get me the plaid one!" Shouted Bubble.
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The sailor searched a bit more in the sack until, finally triumphant, he
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pulled out the biggest, meanest, most horrid looking plaid shoe stretcher
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Thoth had ever seen. Mr. Bubble snatched it away as soon as it appeared and
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rushed over to the hapless princess, who can only stare and squeak in object
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terror (because she's terrified of the 'object', get it?). For the next hour,
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Mr. Bubble applied the shoe stretcher to the princess with utter passion--
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sweat beaded on his brow, muscles rippled under his shirt--he was a man
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possessed. The princess screamed, yelled, moaned, groaned, wheezed, and
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overall made assortment of racket under the cruel treatment by Mr. Bubble.
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Everyone else stood by and were awed and horrified by the incredible orgy
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of lust and violence they were witnessing. The things Mr. Bubble did to the
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princess were so horrible, so inhumane, that they cannot be described with
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mere words. (Besides, this author has absolutely no idea how one would go
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about using a shoe stretcher in an inhumane fashion, so it is probably best
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that it isn't described in words.)
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After the ordeal was over, Mr. Bubble wiped the sweat out of his brows and
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handed the now soiled shoe stretcher over to his flunky. Princess Cassiopeia
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hung near lifeless on the mast, the only evidence of life being her short,
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raspy breaths and the occasional spasms that shook her body.
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"Wow, that was something," croaked Thoth, trying to catch his own breath.
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"No wonder they consider you the dreadest of the dread pirates. OT," he
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turned toward his student, "why don't you go and get us something to eat
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and drink? I think we all need a bit of a rest after that."
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"Hey, thanks for letting me have a go at her," Bubble thumbed at the
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princess over his shoulder, "sorry I left her in such a lifeless state."
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"Don't worry about it," Thoth smiled, picking up the wicked whip OT had
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left behind. "It won't take much to get her stirred up again." Thoth
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stood back and shook the whip a bit, getting the feel of it in preparation
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of some enjoyment of his own.
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As he was about to take the first swing, a call from the crow's nest
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shattered his concentration.
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"Ships on the horizon, Captain!"
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"What the Fu...Who the hell is it this time?" Thoth yelled, his frustration
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showing in his voice. He tried to spot the ships in question, squinting
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into the setting sun.
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"Possibly the royal fleet sir. Wait...It's flying the Sword Wielding Buddha
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banner!"
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"The Sword Wielding...That can only mean...Shit! It's Martelli!" Thoth
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exclaimed.
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"Martelli!" Mr. Bubble croaked.
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"Martelli!" Big Al yelped.
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"Martelli!" Cassiopeia squealed.
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"Martelli!" The crew shrieked.
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"Crumpets and tea, anyone?" Orbis offered.
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