107 lines
4.8 KiB
Plaintext
107 lines
4.8 KiB
Plaintext
What to say to drive away hucksters who telephone
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during dinner or in the middle of a riveting TV show
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peddling sides of beef, municipal bonds, alum-inum siding,
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computer software or whatever:
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1. "The police photographer is still here, and
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the county medical examiner hasn't released
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the body to the coroner yet. Can you call
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back a little later?
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2. "You called at the right time, buster. I'll
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order carloads of whatever you got just to
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restore my credit rating. Those turkeys down
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at the bank go bananas over one little
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bounced check or two.
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3. "I'm sorry. The taxi is at the door right now.
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We're heading off on a 90 day world cruise
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aboard the Empress of Burmuda.
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4. "Well, you'll have to send the stuff to my new
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address. As of next Wednesday, it'll be: care
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of the warden, maximum security wing, Attica
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Correction Facility, Attica, N.Y.
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5. "What's that you say? Speak up, please, will
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you? The battery has run down on my hearing
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aid. Louder, please, Louder. Is that the best
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you can do? I'm afriad we're just not
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communicating"
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6. "I'm afraid you have the wrong number. This is
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a funeral home or what we like to call a
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consoling chapel for the bereaved. Visiting
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hours are from 2 to 5 and 7 to 10.
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7. "I'm just house sitting here, buddy. The
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owners won't be back for a couple months. You
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wouldn't have a good deal on off-brand
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whiskeys and beer by the case, would you?
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Maybe a little grass or snow?
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8. "Too late pal. As of tomorrow, Uncle Sam will
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take care of all my necessities. But you
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might try my drill instructer at Camp
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Pendleton. In other words tell it to the
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Marines
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9. "I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby
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is due any minute now. Quick someone, get
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some hot water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta
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hurry now, don't go away
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10. "Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call
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back. The better business people said I need
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more positive identification to file my
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complaint. Now first let me have your name
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and telephone number. Hello? Hello?
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11. "Well, if this ain't the living end. The
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furniture is out on the sidewalk the
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sheriff's auction is about to begin and you
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want to sell me a freezer full of prime beef.
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Keep talking. I can dream, can't I?
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12. "The number you have called is a working
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number like you would'nt believe.
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Let me make you a counterproposal. How about
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the company of one of our swinging little
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ladies for an evening? Our personalized
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dating service guarantees satisfaction, and
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we do take credit cards.
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13. "Sorry to cut you off like this but Uncle
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Harry is choking on something.
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Oh, my, he's turning purple. Could you tell
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me how to administer that bear hug first aid
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grip? I'd better go.
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14. "The furnace just conked out, there's a foot
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of water in the basement and I nearly broke
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my neck on the kid's skate board getting to
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the phone. You wouldn't have a special on
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cyanide, would you?
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15. "You better talk to my wife when she gets back
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from Reno. This place will be all hers then.
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16. "The dog just died and I'm so glad to have
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someone to talk to...
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And of course, there is this old one....
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17. What the fuck is your problem asshole??
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What ever the fuck you are trying to
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sell or give away or whatever, I don't
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need it because if I did, I would have it,
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and if I have one already, I sure the fuck
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don't want another one from you !!!!
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Why can't leeches like you get a real job,
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why the fuck do you gotta call me?? What the
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fuck is your problem. If you call one more
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time I will come through the phone line
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and eat your tonsils!! Now go away you
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maggot and crawl back under the rock
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from which you came.
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