112 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
112 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
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If you're one of those unfortunate people who can sit down
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on Sunday afternoon, or late at night, and tolerate almost any
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program that happens to come across your television screen,
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whether it be the telephone auction or a weight loss seminar, you
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may have already come to the conclusion that there isn't much
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difference between televangelism and professional wrestling.
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The similarity became obvious during the early days of the
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PTL scandal, when most intelligent people found themselves
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wondering, "is this real, or is it all just part of the act."
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The startling revelation of Jimmy Swaggart's disgraceful
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mortal sins has to be the most astonishing turn of events since
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Andre the Giant became a villain. Swaggart was once the ultimate
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fundamentalist, preaching out against the evils of our modern
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society. Jimmy was always so frighteningly believable that
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people who didn't believe in what he was preaching still took him
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seriously because he seemed so committed to his cause -- however
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fascistic it may have been. When Jimmy Swaggart turns out to be
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an adulterer, you've got to start wondering what's going on. What
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follows is a brief comparative list of a few of the many traits
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televangelism and pro wrestling share. Coincidence, or more? You
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be the judge.
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1. Like pro wrestlers, evangelists are not nearly as scary as
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the people who believe in them. Sure, Tammy Faye is
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frightening, but we all know she's not real. The people
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who send Tammy money for mascara are the frightening
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ones.
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2. Despite claims to the contrary, there appear to be no
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rules. Pro wrestling is the ultimate anything goes
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sport. The referee affects the final outcome of the
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match about as much as a pro football cheerleader might
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influence the final score of the Super Bowl.
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Evangelists heal people, stop hurricanes and claim God
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is holding them hostage for $8 million ransom. There's
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nothing to stop any of these people from testing the
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outer limits of acceptable conduct in their professions.
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3. Both have their own special languages. From body slams
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and back sliders, to pile drivers and the rapture.
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They even share some common jargon, like the classic,
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but meaningless, phrase "believe you me."
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4. Good guys are subject to become bad guys overnight,
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without prior warning. According to this theory we can
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expect to see the return of Jim and Tammy sometime in
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the near future. As all wrestling fans know, once
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you've changed from good to bad, the cycle isn't
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complete unless you come back into favor before the end
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of your career.
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5. Both attract large T.V. audiences of non-believers who,
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despite their doubts, are still fascinated by the
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unbelievable spectacle of the whole thing.
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6. Long a part of wrestling, costumes and outlandish
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outfits have become a recent fixture for many of the
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more flamboyant televangelists. In fact, there are
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even a few Tammy Faye clones around the country. It may
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not be long before we see evangelists in those
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ridiculous wrestling masks.
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7. The participants are prone to becoming instant media
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celebrities no matter what horrible events they may have
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recently perpetrated. Breaking legs, embezzlement,
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adultery -- it doesn't really matter. Regardless of
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your past criminal record, success awaits you in these
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chosen fields.
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8. Outlandish claims and lies. Treachery of the first
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degree and slanderous name calling. It's all there in
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abundance in both of these sports.
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The ultimate proof, however, is that Oral Roberts, Jim
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and Tammy, Jimmy Swaggart, and all the rest, wouldn't seem
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out of place if they suddenly showed up as managers in the
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World Wrestling Federation. Could we possible be witnessing
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the strange plot development of the next Wrestlemania?
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###
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Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
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& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
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The Salted Slug Strange 408-454-9368
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 510-527-1662
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
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Tomorrow's 0rder of Magnitude Finger_Man 415-961-9315
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My Dog Bit Jesus Suzanne D'Fault 510-658-8078
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New Dork Sublime Demented Pimiento 415-566-0126
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