111 lines
6.0 KiB
Plaintext
111 lines
6.0 KiB
Plaintext
MISTRESS OF ETIQUETTE
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Last issue, we proposed the reintroduction of the formal
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introduction and handshake, rather than a sloppy intro and a big
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hug when meeting someone for the first time. But - what do you
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do when you meet someone you are certain you've met before, but
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can't remember their name?
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Don't panic! Because of the formality of the original
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introduction you can probably remember either the setting of the
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intro, or perhaps even who introduced you. If that person is
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present now, slide up to them quietly and ask, "What was the name
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of that person over there, the one you introduced me to last
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month?" If that's not an alternative available to you at the
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moment, you can be direct and ask. Even the best of us have
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memory lapses, and it's quite possible they, too may have
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forgotten your name. "I'm sorry, but I know we've met, and I
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can't recall your name. I'm _____, and I think we may have met
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at ________."
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Shy people may have trouble going up to strangers, so if you
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can manage it, do it, for they may be too shy to. Remember, its
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you who wants the chance to talk to them further and strengthen
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the acquaintanceship. They might want to as well, but are too
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shy.
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A related problem that seems self-evident but is constantly
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being repeated, is introducing people by an incorrect name.
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Incorrect in the sense that it is inappropriate in the particular
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setting. Some people adopt two or more names: their given name
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which is well known to their friends, an outer-court name which
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they use for gatherings and the larger Pagan community where they
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are relative strangers, and one or more circle names (a 3rd
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degree person may have 3 or more).
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Some of these chosen names can be almost unpronounceable (a
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thoughtless choice) or are too long for practical use. Even a
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common birth name can lead to confusion when it has variations.
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We all know Pete at the Tabernacle, but how many of us know his
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name is Pierre? Faux pas are committed when someone introduces
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you at a gathering by your given name when you would prefer to be
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known by an outer-court name.
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Going up to a person and asking lets them decide just how
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they wish to be known to you. Allowing the other person the
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opportunity for choice is rarely wrong.
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The more serious breach of manners/etiquette/morals, even
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rarely occurs with formal introductions. This would be if I
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turned to a relatively new acquaintance and said, "See ______?
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She is a witch, too." Unless I have explicit permission to tell
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you, I have done a terrible thing, for now you know a very
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personal thing about someone who does not know you know it. Even
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if your friends seem to be completely open about their craft
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connection, it is wrong to assume that you may pass that
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information on without their knowledge and permission. If I have
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told you such a bit of information about someone, I may also have
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assumed too much about you and am pushing you further than I have
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the right to, or than you wished to go.
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Back to etiquette! In Europe, hugging is a common form of
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greeting. Touching while talking is common, and personal space
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is smaller than for Americans. Because touch is more common over
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there, there is a subtle body language that says "I'm about to
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touch you." If you are unwilling, slight movements can convey
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that feeling. Here, especially in the Pagan community, "huggers"
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do not have this background, so in most cases the huging greeting
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doesn't allow you much choice as the "hugee." To back away, or
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even break away, is taken as a personal affront, an
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unwillingness to share space, energy, love, etc. Many Pagans
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look upon the hug as a chance to get close, inside each other's
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barriers. Or at least, that is what it symbolizes. In
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actuality, with the great proliferation of hugs, we simply
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develop new barriers so that touching can not breach them. Once
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these new barriers are erected, they are harder to dismantle.
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I am not saying hugging should be forbidden. Rather, that
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we need to develop our own awareness of why we are seeking or
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giving hugs. After all, we come from more Anglo-Saxon roots,
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many of us, which are more formal, rather than the Latin or
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southern Mediterranean. If you want to hug someone, go up and
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ask them if they'd like a hug, or would mind giving you a hig.
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Be sure to phrase it a way that they will feel comfortable to
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decline. Slightly different rules apply with people with whom
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you have a fairly close relationship, and assumptions might be OK
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here, where by experience you know hugging is accepted.
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There's a lot of wisdom in the old addage, "Don't assume
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anything - it makes an ASS out ofU and ME.
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We all feel we are the center of the world, and when we
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leave a party, somehow it ceases to be interesting. So, when we
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leave, we thank our hostess or host, and then make the rounds,
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telling everyone we are leaving. This would be OK if we do not
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break up conversations in the process. The only polite reason to
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break into another's conversation is if they had previously asked
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you not to leave without telling them. It is more appropriate to
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stand near the door and say in a reasonably loud voice, "Well, I
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must be leaving now. Good bye, everyone." Anyone who chooses
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may then halt their conversation to respond if they wish, or go
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on talking. It will be their choice.
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So now, we are being introduced, we are recognizing our
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memory lapses as minor, common occurrances. We are thinking both
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of ourselves and of others in allowing personal space to be of
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variable size, and not demand instant and constant access.
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Future columns will discuss other manners, etiquette, problems,
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or your differing opinions, as they come to my attention. Any
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comments?
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-MOE
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